Things BPD wife said

[cal644]

I only found this sight about a week ago and this is probably my 6th post because the last 19 years of my life are finally clearer nowing my ex wife had BPD. Below are a few of the things she told me this last month or throughout our marriage.  Just curious if you have heard similar things.

1.  I never wanted to be married to you or to anyone because of my past

2. How can I love you if I don't love myself

3. I have resented you for years

4. I resented all the things we did and going to church (but now she says she is a Christian woman)

5. I can't find God

6. My mind races all the time - you have no idea what it's like

7. I know she had s/abuse, v/abuse, p/abuse, m/abuse - but she said I had no idea how bad it was.

8. She could build a wall in a second if she took something out of context

9. I wish I could just melt into the ground and disappear

10. I love you but am not in love with you

11. I don't have the feelings like a wife should have

12. There are times I don't even feel anything for the girls

13. I know I should reach out to our good friends but I can't - you don't understand its like there is a fog or barrier that I can't reach them

14.I don't have a single happy memory in this last year

15. I've never had a good dream in my life - only nightmares

16. I don't know who I am

17. I was always the person you wanted me to be

18. She had major issues of not being able to sleep and would need to excersize hard for 1-2 hours a day to try to sleep.

19. I always resented going out with our friends

20. i have no friends

Sorry the list is long - but it could be alot longer

[freshlySane]

Yes not in those same word but in a similar context

I feel numb at times

she told the kids she can compartmentalize her feelings and comeback to them later

She felt shame and guilt for spending money on herself or wanting things

she felt like she wanted to run away because it would be better for everyone

she told me she felt invisible

and on and on etc etc... .  

[cal644]

oh yes - the spending money - she hated to but loved to and would feel bad afterword and If I said we can't afford that at this time $8,000 hardwood floors - she would become upset.  The feeling numb or nothing at all too - and how everyone would be happy if she wasn't around - like I said the list could go on and on.

[freshlySane]

unfortunately its the disorder i wish i could get a delorium and go back in time to help her but i can not.

This is her cry for help but still there's nothing we could of done or can do i learned that this is what they live with day in and day out.

support but heal you, love but love yourself, help but don't go over board,

we all have to do heavy lifting, they are no different they have to do it for themselves as well

only self awareness can bring change. Life has to continue for them to reach that point hopefully they do

[cal644]

That's the one thing that hurts - again before comming here I told her that because of her horrible horrible past and her actions and things she had told me I told her to look up some info on BPD (desribed her to the T) except the violence - her's was the silent and pissy type.  Big mistake she got really upset and told me she didn't have multiple personalities.  I explained it's not multiple personalities - but in her mind that's all she heard.  I do still love and care for her and hate to see what will happen with this new scum (who is now her knight in shining armor).  But maybe she will have to fall hard (realizing what she gave up) and hit rock bottom (new guy - violent, alcoholic, womanizer) to truely get the help she needs.  As for me after 6 months I have started to figure it out and get my own life back.

[freshlySane]

That's the one thing that hurts - again before comming here I told her that because of her horrible horrible past and her actions and things she had told me I told her to look up some info on BPD (desribed her to the T) except the violence - her's was the silent and pissy type.  Big mistake she got really upset and told me she didn't have multiple personalities.  I explained it's not multiple personalities - but in her mind that's all she heard.  I do still love and care for her and hate to see what will happen with this new scum (who is now her knight in shining armor).  But maybe she will have to fall hard (realizing what she gave up) and hit rock bottom (new guy - violent, alcoholic, womanizer) to truely get the help she needs.  As for me after 6 months I have started to figure it out and get my own life back.

As a non i am learning we get that ability to learn about us we get to change and be a better us. It is hard very hard but if you go thru it with fresh eyes and see the disorder for what it is you grow as a person.

No one said that life was going to be easy, life is the hardest thing there is, but you learn through it all. Whether you're making mistakes or living in the happiest moment in your life, there will be difficulties and you have to believe in yourself that you can succeed through it all. No one is holding you back but you.

no one said life was going to be easy... .  they just said it would be worth it

that's our reward for loving them we get to learn about us.

Help others by first helping yourself. Make the changes for you and you alone and maybe one day you can help her you can not save her but you may be able to help her see the light ... .  Easier said then done

[lost not dead]

it is so similar that it seems like some one singing the same song but getting a few words wrong.

I love you but Im no longer in love with you.

you hurt me worse than I hurt you so you deserved it

I am not attracted to you anymore. (later) why do you reject me when I want sex?

All you ever do is spend money. by the way my bank account is overdrawn I know you have some saved money.

You keep brainwashing the kids to hate me. Your the best father I have ever seen.

I dont deserve love that is why I push you away. Why wont you hold me?

You were never suppose to fallin love with me I wanted to stay single

All you want to do is control me. I dont even know who I am anymore.


She finaly pissed me off bad enough I told her to "glaze it onto a plate for me". I spent 16 years fixing everything she said I did wrong. I took the blame for what I did and what she did to no aveil. When I finaly said no more I met the true her!

[freshlySane]

it is so similar that it seems like some one singing the same song but getting a few words wrong.

I love you but Im no longer in love with you.

you hurt me worse than I hurt you so you deserved it

I am not attracted to you anymore. (later) why do you reject me when I want sex?

All you ever do is spend money. by the way my bank account is overdrawn I know you have some saved money.

You keep brainwashing the kids to hate me. Your the best father I have ever seen.

I dont deserve love that is why I push you away. Why wont you hold me?

You were never suppose to fallin love with me I wanted to stay single

All you want to do is control me. I dont even know who I am anymore.


She finaly pissed me off bad enough I told her to "glaze it onto a plate for me". I spent 16 years fixing everything she said I did wrong. I took the blame for what I did and what she did to no aveil. When I finaly said no more I met the true her!

the money thing is scary she would get soo mad that i spent my money and how she was so good at saving but she never complained about the gifts for her and her kids she never complained when i paid the bills her rent and i went broke for weeks taking care of her. but i blame me I did those things but im not an idiot i loved her and you know what id do it again for a healthy person because i know that person would not take advantage of me. disorders thinking that what it is a cry for help too bad its not easily identifiable because all BPD people sound wonderful if they weren't dysfunctional but that's a perfect world something we nons know we dont live in.

[cal644]

One major thing that i forgot to mention.  This should have shown me how mentally ill she is.  She has told me throughout our marriage that she knows she is just my fill in wife.  That she could physically see the person in her mind that I belonged with (she could actually see this person in her mind).  She was blond about 5'7 georgeous and had a great personality like me.  But what kind of person can physically see the woman that belongs to their loving husband.

[freshlySane]

One major thing that i forgot to mention.  This should have shown me how mentally ill she is.  She has told me throughout our marriage that she knows she is just my fill in wife.  That she could physically see the person in her mind that I belonged with (she could actually see this person in her mind).  She was blond about 5'7 georgeous and had a great personality like me.  But what kind of person can physically see the woman that belongs to their loving husband.

That's just her fears coming through my ex thought i like Asian women and Spanish women because i dated a lot of different races of women in my past mainly Asian and Hispanic  in the past i spent a whole   hr telling her how much i loved her and i don't have a preference in race but she always said oh you like those Spanish girls that's why you want me to buy this or wear this it was crazy. i figure its their insecurity shining through she can see your partner because i guess she cant see why you are with her. Mine always said i wish i could see me through your eyes.

[freshlySane]

mind you this is just my opinion we cant fully know why they think this way in that topic only they cant rationalize it and when they do it is just mixed up

[TheRealSully]

Yeses are green, no's are left alone.

I only found this sight about a week ago and this is probably my 6th post because the last 19 years of my life are finally clearer nowing my ex wife had BPD. Below are a few of the things she told me this last month or throughout our marriage.  Just curious if you have heard similar things.

1.  I never wanted to be married to you or to anyone because of my past

2. How can I love you if I don't love myself

3. I have resented you for years

4. I resented all the things we did and going to church (but now she says she is a Christian woman)

5. I can't find God

6. My mind races all the time - you have no idea what it's like

7. I know she had s/abuse, v/abuse, p/abuse, m/abuse - but she said I had no idea how bad it was.

8. She could build a wall in a second if she took something out of context

9. I wish I could just melt into the ground and disappear

10. I love you but am not in love with you

11. I don't have the feelings like a wife should have

12. There are times I don't even feel anything for the girls

13. I know I should reach out to our good friends but I can't - you don't understand its like there is a fog or barrier that I can't reach them

14.I don't have a single happy memory in this last year

15. I've never had a good dream in my life - only nightmares ADDING TO THIS, MY WIFE WOULD SCARE THE HELL OUT OF ME WITH A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM ON MOST NIGHTS.

16. I don't know who I am

17. I was always the person you wanted me to be

18. She had major issues of not being able to sleep and would need to excersize hard for 1-2 hours a day to try to sleep.

19. I always resented going out with our friends

20. i have no friends

Sorry the list is long - but it could be alot longer

[Vinnie]

My wife was different. She would never say a lot of those things you listed, because she just could not admit she had any struggles, faults, or weakness. If she was confronted with her bad behavior, she would totally blame-shift because it couldn't be her fault that she acted inappropriately. Such is the lack of ego strength of a pwBPD.

Her disorder caused her to seriously distort and overreact to things that others people said, if it contained a smidgen of criticism or challenge to her sense of self.  For example, I came home one day and found her upset and alarmed about a phone message left by the neighbor. The neighbor was complaining about our dog barking and keeping her awake during the day (the neighbor was a day sleeper).  She wanted me to call the police about the out-of-control "threats" the neighbor was making.

Well when I listened to the message, I was expecting threatening, belligerent yelling, but the voice just reflected some irritation and a reasonable but firm request to keep the dog quiet. She was angry at me for not recognizing the trauma the neighbor had caused her or the threat the neighbor was posing.

[GustheDog]

it is so similar that it seems like some one singing the same song but getting a few words wrong.

I love you but Im no longer in love with you.

you hurt me worse than I hurt you so you deserved it

I am not attracted to you anymore. (later) why do you reject me when I want sex?

All you ever do is spend money. by the way my bank account is overdrawn I know you have some saved money.

You keep brainwashing the kids to hate me. Your the best father I have ever seen.

I dont deserve love that is why I push you away. Why wont you hold me?

You were never suppose to fallin love with me I wanted to stay single

All you want to do is control me. I dont even know who I am anymore.


She finaly pissed me off bad enough I told her to "glaze it onto a plate for me". I spent 16 years fixing everything she said I did wrong. I took the blame for what I did and what she did to no aveil. When I finaly said no more I met the true her!

My ex's version of the "song" is in parentheses after your examples.  Quite a song.

- I love you but Im no longer in love with you.  ("I don't feel 'that way' about you anymore;" "I haven't felt 'that way' about you for a long time" (note that this was one month after she said getting married "sounds pretty great).)

- You hurt me worse than I hurt you so you deserved it.  (Never said I deserved it, but claimed I'd hurt her terribly.)

- I am not attracted to you anymore. (later) why do you reject me when I want sex?  (Claimed that because I'd "rejected her so many times in the past" that she didn't feel sexually attracted to me anymore.)

- All you ever do is spend money. by the way my bank account is overdrawn I know you have some saved money.  (Said my student debt "scared her."  She is a social-justice crusader with a relatively low-paying career (nothing wrong with that) and resented my "typical white male" career as a corporate attorney.  My father made $60k/yr at the height of his career and we were on food stamps for a short period when I was growing up, and her father is a multi-millionaire, she drives a brand-new Audi, wears a Cartier watch that's worth more than any single item I own (including my car), and can drop $300 on a pair of sunglasses like it's no one's business.  She'd always split things down the middle with me even when I offered to pay the way myself (and I often did anyway, despite her insistence), but in the end accused me of never doing anything to make her "feel special," and hung me out to dry for about $20k.)

- You keep brainwashing the kids to hate me. Your the best father I have ever seen.  (We weren't married and had no children, but I was "so terrible/horrible/awful/selfish/a sad little man," vs. ":)o you know how much I love you?/I could never love anyone this much/I have so much respect for you and hold you in the highest esteem/I admire your brilliant mind/I just love how rational you are/You're my angel/You're perfect."

I dont deserve love that is why I push you away. Why wont you hold me?  (Accused of not loving her, not caring for her, having "intimacy issues" and "serious issues with sex," mistreating her, abusing her, controlling her, and manipulating her.)

You were never suppose to fallin love with me I wanted to stay single  (One month after saying getting married "sounds pretty great" she says, "I think we should just cut ties."  When I attempted to propose to her she said, condescendingly (and on the phone b/c she did not show up to the hotel I'd booked), "No, Gus, not right now - maybe in the future.  I have to to go, I have plans - going out for drinks with my new roommates and now I'm gonna be late (heavy sigh).)

All you want to do is control me. I dont even know who I am anymore.  (Said I was "controlling and manipulative," and, referring to our relationship, she said, "That's not who I am!"

I'm sure there's a lot more I'm forgetting.  Thank God.