So, this was abuse...

[Depression = 72% of members]

Wow. I'm new to this and finally admitting to myself that this must be what my Mother has. My Dad discovered it a while ago and has been telling me to read about it but since he told me so much I figured I knew all there was already. Finding all of you is a HUGE help.

I always thought my Mother was extreme and emotional and that, although not normal, the way she treated me was okay because in a lot of ways she treated me with love and she wasn't physically/sexually abusing me so who was I to say I was abused?

But... .  

Emotionally speaking... .  

I was.

I've never said that before.

[Caria]

Wow. I'm new to this and finally admitting to myself that this must be what my Mother has. My Dad discovered it a while ago and has been telling me to read about it but since he told me so much I figured I knew all there was already. Finding all of you is a HUGE help.

I always thought my Mother was extreme and emotional and that, although not normal, the way she treated me was okay because in a lot of ways she treated me with love and she wasn't physically/sexually abusing me so who was I to say I was abused?

But... .  

Emotionally speaking... .  

I was.

I've never said that before.

[DreamGirl]

 

It's hard to say for just about everyone.

Epsecially the first time.

[thespacebetween]

It is very difficult to say, to admit, to believe. It takes strength     It still sucks too , in plain english.

[GeekyGirl]

It's hard for a number of reasons. It was tough for me at first to acknowledge the abuse because even though my DH and T told me that I had been abused emotionally, I didn't believe that I had. I'd always thought that abused kids were beaten or abandoned, or on tv. The thing is, I didn't know any better and thought that my upbringing was normal because I didn't have anything else to compare it to. I hung out at steps 1 and 2 on the Survivor's Guide for a while.

It can also make us feel disloyal to our parents or "selfish." Many of us were taught that our needs were trivial, and that our parents' needs were a top priority, so facing our abuse and healing can feel very uncomfortable.

It is tough, but once you see it and acknowledge it, you can start healing from it. 

[justine1984]

I can relate to what you're feeling, I can still remember the moment when I first understood that it was abuse. It's like a fog had suddenly lifted and I was face to face with my humiliation and pain and finally allowed to name them what they were. It's not easy to admit that a loved one has abused you.

[NKS]

I think it's hard admitting that it is abuse - partly because you know the "abuser" has issues themselves. But it suddenly dawned on me that just because the "abuser" has mental illness, doesn't mean it isn't abuse. Just because there is a reason, or an excuse (she doesn't mean it, she's ill), it is still abuse. I still don't deserve to hear it., neither do you.

Well done for saying it - just know, it doesn't change who you are. I was scared of becoming a victim - then I realised that although things have hurt me a lot, not all people who are abused have problems. Lots lead happy, normal lives.

[BiancaRose]

Congratulations on being able to admit it. It was really hard for me too. Like you, I thought abuse was purely physical. And my mom hit me sometimes, but not a lot, so I just sort of figured it didn't count. It's hard to accept that someone you've cared about and lived with is an abuser. Good for you! You're getting stronger just by having that knowledge.

[justine1984]

And my mom hit me sometimes, but not a lot, so I just sort of figured it didn't count.

Same here. I always considered that my mother didn't physically abuse me, until I had an AHA moment with my T: what the eff, she beat the crap out of me, slapping me over my face, hitting me with some hard wires. How could I ever consider she didn't beat me?

[MeanLittleFace]

I think for me thinking of myself as a victim of abuse meant being "dramatic," and drama reminds me of her.

Also because anything she ever did to me was minimized and laughed away, so how dare I take it seriously?

[justine1984]

I think for me thinking of myself as a victim of abuse meant being "dramatic," and drama reminds me of her.

Also because anything she ever did to me was minimized and laughed away, so how dare I take it seriously?

That makes it difficult too, the fact that everyone else seemed to think it was all normal.

[MKG1015]

Caria-

Good for you for saying it! It is the hardest thing I've ever said in my life. I have been on these boards for several months and have recognized the abuse but I just said the words out loud last weekend. My husband and I were talking and I just said it: "this is because of the abuse growing up." I was so shocked I closed my mouth with a snap. My husband focused on me and said "I have been waiting to hear you admit that for a long time." It is a difficult concept to accept/write/say but keep saying it so you can begin to heal from it.

I think for me thinking of myself as a victim of abuse meant being "dramatic," and drama reminds me of her.

Also because anything she ever did to me was minimized and laughed away, so how dare I take it seriously?

This is always how I felt. Being abused was "dramatic" and I was STRONGLY discouraged from such behavior. My place was silent in the background while the Waif or the Witch took center stage. Now that I'm older I know it's not being dramatic it is the God's honest truth whether my mother likes it or not.

Hang in there, it will get better.

[Caria]

Yes, yes, yes! Thank you all for the replies and support! I SOO connect with the "dramatic" comment. Who am I to feel abused? How dare I have a feeling? WOOWWW. These boards are blowing my mind. I thought I was so alone in these feelings and I'm so incredibly amazed that we've all been in this boat.

[mosaicbird]

I can totally relate, though I'm still at the "But it wasn't THAT bad. Other people have had it worse!" stage of diminishing it... .  It's so difficult for me to call something 'abuse' when it wasn't intentional, you know?

[Elsegundo]

Mosaic and Carla, you are exactly in my head!

This was the "gift" I got from my ex wBPD: looking at my sitch made me realize I was abused.  I was so busy trying to be (rightly for a long time) in survivor mode that I couldn't see that a) I am fine now!  I did it!  I am a well respected adult w a career who is financially independent, b) I can relax now.  And move to really living instead of just surviving, c) it was abuse.  It just was.