Angry now.

[Mupetto]

Two months of NC and I am increasingly angry with my exUBPD wife and myself.

I took us on. I dived in to the r/s very quickly and completely in spite of so many red flags. “Time” I would say to myself. “Time” will make her insecurity and reactivity go away. We will – “in time”, return to those perfect early days. In reality it just got worse. More unsubstantiated judgment, sacrifices, projection, condemnation, abuse, sleepless nights, illnesses, enemies, shopping sprees etc etc.

So now I attempt to heal the wounds and rebuild both my life and self esteem. It’s slow going. And I have some anger now. Angry with myself for being so foolish and not seeing the obvious. For investing so much and being sold out, taken down. Angry with her for taking us on this crazy ride down into the abyss.

I try to forgive myself and am having some success. But with my life in such chaos as I relocate and re-establish I am finding it easy to be negative towards myself and my outlook.

With the retro spectroscope now in sharp focus I can see that I let her behave very badly towards me. I spent every waking moment trying to please her and got nothing in return. She has burned me. Scared me. Damaged me. She shook me so hard I am still in complete disarray.

Look forward – I tell myself. You’re free now. But the rebuilding process is harder than I first thought. I do all the right things like relax (that’s hard if the mind is in overdrive), exercise, sleep (also often difficult), read books, and engage with healthy people (it’s often easier to isolate myself).

[Newton]

Mupetto... .  detaching is a process... .  anger is a natural part of that process... .  it takes time.

The very fact that you are posting here shows you are on a path to healing... .  congratulate yourself for that... .  it may seem a small victory... .  a battle won with losses along the way.  You are on the path to winning the war 

[Rose Tiger]

Angry is one of the phases, it's a good one because lots of energy.  It's completely normal to feel this way.  Try to focus the energy into good outlets, versus hurting anyone.  It's not a bad thing that you worked to make the relationship successful.  It's one of the reasons we all wrestle with how disordered our partners' really were, because it's a waste if they are full blown BPD but not so bad if they were just difficult.  Bottom line, they were abusive and we got out.  

[waitaminute]

Been feeling a little anger too lately. Feels good

I just mean that WERE I to respond to one of her hateful emails, she would find my sarcasm as cutting as hers. I spent 3 years with her in my life in one way or another and never said an unkind word. Argue? Yes. Make my point with a loud voice? Yes. But never unkind. Even when I said goodbye, I said it with love.

But it's just a fantasy to think of what I would say now with some healthy anger. I won't actually break NC (I hope).

[LuckyEscapee]

never said an unkind word

Me neither, but apparently my 'please stop your hatred and leave me alone" was evil incarnate.

I get angry still sometimes, angry with myself that I ever fell for his illusion in the first place, angry that I let him treat me like complete ****, and angry that I have always been fairly polite, when he SO didn't deserve it.

The only things I am angry with him about is that he refuses to get any help, and that he will go on to repeat and reek havoc with other women.

Angry is natural, normal. I escaped a future fate I daren't even contemplate so my blessings outweigh any residual angry. Time and space is a wonderful stabiliser. Be very kind to yourself at this early stage please. Treat yourself very well and feel whatever it is you need to feel.

[Mupetto]

The difficulty is that I have nowhere to place the anger. I continue to receive emails from her that tell me what a shocking husband I was. The awful things I did. What a terrible human being I am. It’s all an illusion. Her distorted perception. I gave up my life for her. Became her servant. Her whipping post. All in the hopeless pursuit of her happiness. I became caught up in trying to achieve something unachievable. And in the process lost myself.

I will not reply because that’s the game we played for four years. So I have stopped the dysfunctional cycle. But I would be pleased if she could feel the damage that she inflicted. The damage she has done. The pain she has created. Revenge is not my style. Never has been. But I remain incredibly frustrated that she places all the dysfunction on me. She truly believes that ALL the problems in the r/s were of my doing.

I know I need to let it go. Just let it go. Feel the cool breeze on face. Enjoy not being smothered or mind raped (a saying I have read on other posts). I know this part of the process but I wish it would hurray up.

I stood on a headland overlooking the pounding surf the other day. I was alone and screamed at the top of my lungs. I found that helpful.

[Rose Tiger]

The next best thing is a therapist that will validate your experience.  Me and T had some great chow down on the ex sessions.  I'd say, I'm still angry about "X".  She'd say remember when he did "Z"?  Oh yes, I'd forgotten that, grrr.  We would trash him like nobody's business.  Yes, we did.  It felt good.  He will never ever ever acknowledge the abusive things he did but having T do it, so validating!  There are things that happened that were total crap, acknowledging that yes, that sucked, makes it so you can let it go and move on.  I'll bet the most common sentence on this forum is "Who does things like that?"  Crazy no sense things.

Can you block her or throw them in a file unread?  I read emails like that as fast as I could, just skimming so the words wouldn't sink in.  A person that loves and cares about you does not write such cruel words.  Who does things like that?

[seeking balance]

I could have written your opening post at one point - it hit home.  I too, took it all on.  I did the "right" thing, certainly that would be enough, right?  We could finally have calm and happy, eventually, right?

I was angry at the world at one point.

The difficulty is that I have nowhere to place the anger. I continue to receive emails from her that tell me what a shocking husband I was. The awful things I did. What a terrible human being I am. It’s all an illusion. Her distorted perception. I gave up my life for her. Became her servant. Her whipping post. All in the hopeless pursuit of her happiness. I became caught up in trying to achieve something unachievable. And in the process lost myself.

boundary for yourself - stop reading this stuff.  Honestly, you have got to stop the cycle of abuse that you are in

I will not reply because that’s the game we played for four years. So I have stopped the dysfunctional cycle. But I would be pleased if she could feel the damage that she inflicted. The damage she has done. The pain she has created. Revenge is not my style. Never has been. But I remain incredibly frustrated that she places all the dysfunction on me. She truly believes that ALL the problems in the r/s were of my doing.

she has to believe you are the problem... .  part of the disorder. 

I know I need to let it go. Just let it go. Feel the cool breeze on face. Enjoy not being smothered or mind raped (a saying I have read on other posts). I know this part of the process but I wish it would hurray up.

too bad there is not a "Let go" button we can push, right?  Take control of the things you can control at this point - make a list of what those things are and what your boundaries look like.

I stood on a headland overlooking the pounding surf the other day. I was alone and screamed at the top of my lungs. I found that helpful.

Yes, this is a good thing to do.

I found physical outlets help tremendously... .  I got in great shape in this phase as I pushed my body to exhaustion.  Mine was hot power yogo - but I know of other folks who got punching bags, kick-boxing - again anything you can do to get that anger out in a productive way.

Anger is the fuel that offers change - sometimes we tolerate bad behavior until we are finally angry enough to make a change.

Hang in there,

SB

[Mountaineagle]

I'm finding I really paint her black now! It feels like the whole relationship was an illusion. I was obsessing about her on facebook. And in my weak moments I picture her finding someone else. And her being "well functioning"  like this ~ never happened. I berate her for the lying she did and what she has done to my sanity. I know I have issues as well, and I fear that painting her black now makes me into BPD, I certainly was a mess in the late stages of the relationship. It has been two months since I left her and 15 days of no contact. I was obsessing about her and hurting myself by checking her facebook. It is 15 days now of no checking. I think about her a lot every day, but have to really make her a monster in order to cope. Is this normal?

[myself]

You do what you need to do. Standing somewhere screaming into the wind does seem like good therapy, releasing that energy as forcefully as you can without harming anyone or anything. Wish I could go do that sometimes, nowhere around here to do it though. Some people get angry and write it all down in their journal, or go jogging cursing the ex with every step. One day I sat by a stream and broke sticks and tossed the pieces into the water and watched them float away, each one representing something I was upset about, a bad memory, things I would have done differently, etc. I tend to cry, feeling more sad than angry, but in those tears are often some very tough feelings I'm working through. The deeper stuff that has upset me most, things I'd like to say to my ex, questions I would ask, pains from wounds I'd buried under other newer wounds that kept coming in while with her. Bringing that stuff to light helps no matter how you do it, as long as it's productive, and again, doesn't hurt somebody else. 

[Mupetto]

I appreciate that others are going/gone through the same process – being angry and I appreciate hearing your strategies and stories.

I’m in a bit of cycle. Sleeping poorly leads to day tiredness. Increased tiredness leads to less patience/tolerance. So I find things that would normally not bother me cause niggles. Given enough niggles I get frustrated. Getting frustrated leads to agitation and round and round it goes. A terrible cycle and all driven by an overactive and negative mindset. I used to (pre-BPD exposure) be at peace with self and the world.

I/we have been worked over. Trashed. Trampled on. Disrespected. Abuse and discarded. In a just world there would be some invisible force that would give balance to this.

I know that I can and should do nothing. Just let it go. Learn from it. Let it add to my updated wisdom bank. It’s just a bit difficult to that right now.

Thanks for letting me purge. People on this forum “get it”.   

[cal644]

It is hell... .  but day by day you will get better... .  I'm slowly finding that out.  I was the same way - how could she just throw away all the love and attention she was given like it was nothing.  The more I look back at our marriage I always gave 165% she gave 35%.  I was angry about her affair and to her it was no big deal.  My feelings didn't metter to her.  If I pulled 1/100th of what she did I would have been hung out.  I'm a very loving guy but I did tell her for the first time in my life I truly hated her.  I have moved past that stage - but I still have my moments.  I don't think I will ever truly forgive her for her actions - but I'm trying to find it in my heart to forgive that little girl who was abused in ways that no one should ever have to go through that.