Really need some input

[laelle]

I am going to have surgery on the 11th, but I have to travel half way across france to do it.  :)ue to complications with getting a pre surgery appointment with the anesthesiologist I have to leave on the 7th and check into the hospital on the 8th.  I can tell my boyfriend is already feeling the stress of having to be without me.  He has voiced that he is nervous, going to have to buy a new game to keep him occupied, having nightmares that I run off with another guy, making rude comments that I let some spaz touch my ass and things like that.

The back story to running off with another guy is that a few years ago we had broken up and I went on to start a new relationship for obvious rebound issues. (that I no longer have)  I did not realize that in a relationship I am suppose to get angry, brood a bit, then contact my ex to get back together with him. I understand that now.  

This guy and I spent some time together before my last surgery that I also had to travel a long way to have.  This guy came to see me in the same town that I had surgery in a few days earlier.

I can understand totally why my boyfriend is acting out on this.  He knows that I am not with anyone else, but its bringing up emotions that were really hard for him to deal with.  I jaded in the past about this, and I feel his snarky comments are a way for him to punish me for making him feel hurt.  In response to the nightmare, I validated that I loved him and that Im not running off with anyone anywhere.  I also asked if he thought maybe the nightmare was some kind of worry that he was having about my upcoming surgery.

As far as the video games, I have encouraged him to get one that he can lose himself in and we talk about ones he is looking forward to playing.

I have shown him I am concerned that we keep contact by downloading apps on my phone so we can contact eachother better.

He keeps taking digs at me about this guy tho, and so far I have managed to take it lightly an only give reactions like... .  the only spaz i have in my life is you.    I can see him trying to contain his emotions about it, but its spilling over.  

I refuse to go back in the past and jade about it.  I have tried and will continue to validate without jading, but I really feel he is just looking for an excuse to turn me black because he fears me leaving.  I really need some help with this.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[tuum est61]

laelle,

Isn't it "just so BPD" that you are the one having to leave town to have surgery and yet he's the one demanding the support?  

You are fully aware of the situation and you know how it is making your bf feel. You've validated his feelings. You've provided the truth that he's the only "spaz" for you.  You've even supported his self medication - in the form of a video game. (Ah yes, dealing with reality by immersing oneself in fantasy) There's little else you can do.  If he's going to split you black, that's what he will do.

Like all of us, you know it's going to happen, in fact know there's little you can do about it, but are still wanting an answer - a preventative measure. Unfortunately it doesn't exist.  

Telling you that you've been here before and that you will get through it again is all I can offer - and a  

[laelle]

Thank you Tuum... during one of my surgeries, I had spent all day in a train, Had come down with the flu, fell on my face leaving the train station and had just gotten to the hotel when I got a text from him telling me that he was breaking up because I had lots of other men. I couldnt text him back fast enough because I was on my cell phone with the internet going in and out so he just put me on ignore.  While traveling, the train had limited internet reception and he didnt know how to call me in France.  He saw my sporadic posts to facebook, but didnt get any of my emails.  He felt I was ignoring him.  At the time I didnt know about BPD and I didnt speak his language at all.

To be fair, WE have really progressed since then, but im still very nervous that im going to be in the hospital dealing with drama.  His, and my ex husband who is keeping the kids while im gone.

I live between France with my kids and him in Spain atm.  I have never truly loved anyone but him.  It was part of my confusion.  Loving a man who cant fathom that someone is trust worthy and that loves him.

I am hoping for the best this time, you know... .  im gonna miss him too.

[TigerEye]

Hey laelle

Had a similar situation to yours recently. I had to leave the UK to go to the US for 10 days and my anxiety was running high as whilst we had been apart for timeouts in the last quarter of 2012, my BPDSO had done some things that damaged our r/s to the point where I finished it. Long story short, after a long talk we recycled the r/s and things have been better since then but I was still nervous about being away as I am still having to rebuild my trust in her. She was showing signs of the push before I left and even though I could see that she was getting upset about the thought of me being so far away, she wouldn't admit to it, so I just rode it out and kept things simple.

I read here somewhere that it was best to just keep mentioning the trip, and what we would do when I got back, as this would help. I also left her with little reminders of us, such as a card I made with a picture of us in happier times with a message saying "I'll miss you, I'll be home real soon, I love you beautiful" on the front and a whole bunch of stuff inside, I got her to put this beside our bed. I also left her one of her favorite tops of mine with my aftershave on it, and other little bits and pieces just so as she had reminders that I was coming home. Whilst away, the best way to keep contact flowing was by text and phone calls as I had no internet connection, so video calling was a non starter. If you have that, I'm sure that will be even better.

With all this in place, things went reasonably well considering, there was only one night of dysregulation which was gone by the following morning, so I have to say that for me, this worked well.

Best of luck with your surgery, I hope all works out well for you both.

Take care.

TigerEye

[laelle]

Hey Tigereye thanks for sharing your experience.

I mention the trip alot, and I have already arranged the next plane tickets to see him a few weeks after surgery.

I am not at my most sympathetic today and I will have to watch myself.

[Cardinals in Flight]

Hey laelle,

I'm sorry you have to deal with this especially during your upcoming surgery time.  I too had to soothe the pwBPD up to and before a recent surgery myself, even down to the video game thing!  She was super scared, I could feel it, and I could also see it in the way she was dealing with everyday life a few weeks prior to the surgery.

I was my usual 'steady Eddy self', even hiding how scared I was!  There were other people in my life I turned to for support, that in itself made me very sad and emotional, but it is what it is when our significant other has BPD.

You are doing the best! We can't control how they will react, if they spiral, well they spiral, and we can be here when they come back up for air.

Not much in the way of help, but I just wanted you to know I understand, and wanted to also wish you the very best!

(())

CiF

[TigerEye]

I am not at my most sympathetic today and I will have to watch myself.

Time for a little healthy detachment, concentrate on YOU and YOUR wellbeing. It's times like this when the resentment and the lack of empathy from our SO can take a hold. You can only do what you can and then we have to accept that what will be will be, but we'll deal with that when it happens, we can't weigh ourselves down with the predictions we create about the future.

Good luck 

[laelle]

I think I am just coming out of the doghouse this evening.  He told me he would be around shortly this morning, he was just going to straighten... .  this normally takes him 20 minutes and then he would be online.  2 hours later, I was still waiting with no email telling me he was delayed.  I emailed him that I was going to go out and would be back shortly.

I went to store and came back and emailed him.  He wasnt having it.  Has ignored me most of the evening and is just now interested in talking.

I have really had to use my wise mind today to keep from making things worse

[elemental]

You are doing a really good job.

All of his anxiety and letting him know you are responsive probably is helping. I bet that train/internet thing really shook him up. He probably pulls back and thinks of disappearing, telling himself that if he can hole up and wait for the time to pass, when you are back, all of the bad stuff will be over and you are there again and ok.

It sounds like he is maybe trying to calm himself down and once he has centered he is able to be there and respond well.

[laelle]

TigerEye,

Didnt have the choice but to take care of me today.  I was in the dog house    I took two baths, had a nap, fixed a nice dinner, had a big glass of amaretto and played minecraft. 

[laelle]

Thank you Ele,

I think you nailed it.  He is so cute listening to him ramble about what he is going to do to occupy his time when I am gone.  I know its not so simple, and that he has real anxiety behind it,  but the fact that I mean so much to him is a real compliment for me.

All I can do is be there for him before, during and after my surgery.  If bad ~ happens, I will still be there for him the next day.  I know it helps to get through a bad day by knowing the people who care about you will still be there for you tomorrow.

[patientandclear]

Laelle:

Applause.  You could not be handling this any better.  He is very lucky you are who you are.  Sounds like he is also making an effort.

Just ... .  keep going.  One glass of amaretto every evening sounds like a good insurance policy

And remember, if it gets funky, tomorrow is another day.  You will probably be able to repair, using all these same skills.  So don't panic if it goes a little wonky for a bit.

Now if I could simply take my own advice.

[laelle]

Hey P&C, everything worked out fine last nite.  Its really hard to go through the day knowing that someone is "punishing" you for your reaction to something they did.  So many times I wanted to email him something snotty. (making things worse),  I didnt because I know he really needed that time alone.  He spends half his available time with me and the other half working.  He sits at a computer desk all day with a head set on talking to me.  He says he still talks to me on it even when im not there.

When he or I are having bad moments, we have this thing where we say... .  If you dont mind, I am going to take some time to myself today.  He mostly uses it, but I have been known to use it a couple of times.  He didnt use it yesterday, which is why I was thrown off guard.  He ignored me until he got a reaction out of me, then he used my reaction to anger himself and gave himself the validation he needed to take the time to himself.

Would have been easier if he has just used our "time out" words.

I think knowing that if things mess up he will still be around tomorrow or the day after (he's moody  ) has eased alot of the instability in our relationship.

 

[laelle]

Thanks for waiting my banishment out with me everyone.  

We really need to create a game website where all the banished can serve our time playing cards together. 

[tuum est61]

Hi laelle,

As others have said, you are doing well.

Hang in there. 

[laelle]

Thank you Tuum