Closure

[freshlySane]

LETS FACE IT WE WILL NEVER GET CLOSURE


I know reading this may set triggers and it hurts but its the truth this morning i was so angry and hurt and i reverted back to being the victim.

She told me on countless times i am always moody and how being with me was frustrating because i never look happy and it was hard for her to be with someone who was always moody and I blamed myself for this.

It played in my head all morning still as i type this it hurts ... .  I heard this before from another ex its not that i am moody i have fun with my friends and family. My mother told me the other day she has not seen me this  happy in such a long while. I use to walk around singing and joking and smiling ... .  i was having a good day i guess... she told me when i was with my pwBPDex i was always angry and moody and withdrawn. I dont look happy all the time i am a thinker i zone out when i am asked if i am ok i respond no i'm fine i  get frustrated when i say yes i am fine and then they ask are you sure. I know its childish but i really am ok i am just thinking.

So what i do is i talk to my ex i imagine i am standing in front of her and she is fine no disorder and i tell her all the things she has done and i apologize for things i did. it helps

I think here you should post things you would of said if you could of had closure it helps

ill start

The reason why i'm always moody is because you put a lot of stress on me i constantly have to hear how sad you are about being unemployed how you can not take being home in the shelter with the kids and how your frustrated with them. Everyday is a constant battle if i want to call you because i miss you and you don't like what i say or its not going the way you imagine you blame me for ruining your mornings. it's a lot to be reminded of my short comings trying to care for a women who is unhappy in life. So i am moody, the fact that you are talking to other men and cheating on me of course i can not say anything when i see you get a text from him in front of me and i clam up because i cant make you smile like that anymore.  I work crazy shifts and the brunt of the work is on me and when i come home to you and we are talking. Sometimes i need a night to be about me

I am tired of being responsible for your emotions and can not deal with mine. You don't like that i smoke cigarettes but i started when i met you the real you. I pay your bills and watch your kids and I do little things to show you i love you. you say your tired of the up and down relationship its a two way street.

this is just some of my emotions towards her but this morning it helped me so tell your ex or soon to be ex what you feel here.

get it off your chest

[afterdeath]

LETS FACE IT WE WILL NEVER GET CLOSURE


I know reading this may set triggers and it hurts but its the truth this morning i was so angry and hurt and i reverted back to being the victim.

She told me on countless times i am always moody and how being with me was frustrating because i never look happy and it was hard for her to be with someone who was always moody and I blamed myself for this.

It played in my head all morning still as i type this it hurts ... .  I heard this before from another ex its not that i am moody i have fun with my friends and family. My mother told me the other day she has not seen me this  happy in such a long while. I use to walk around singing and joking and smiling ... .  i was having a good day i guess... she told me when i was with my pwBPDex i was always angry and moody and withdrawn. I dont look happy all the time i am a thinker i zone out when i am asked if i am ok i respond no i'm fine i  get frustrated when i say yes i am fine and then they ask are you sure. I know its childish but i really am ok i am just thinking.

So what i do is i talk to my ex i imagine i am standing in front of her and she is fine no disorder and i tell her all the things she has done and i apologize for things i did. it helps

I think here you should post things you would of said if you could of had closure it helps

ill start

The reason why i'm always moody is because you put a lot of stress on me i constantly have to hear how sad you are about being unemployed how you can not take being home in the shelter with the kids and how your frustrated with them. Everyday is a constant battle if i want to call you because i miss you and you don't like what i say or its not going the way you imagine you blame me for ruining your mornings. it's a lot to be reminded of my short comings trying to care for a women who is unhappy in life. So i am moody, the fact that you are talking to other men and cheating on me of course i can not say anything when i see you get a text from him in front of me and i clam up because i cant make you smile like that anymore.  I work crazy shifts and the brunt of the work is on me and when i come home to you and we are talking. Sometimes i need a night to be about me

I am tired of being responsible for your emotions and can not deal with mine. You don't like that i smoke cigarettes but i started when i met you the real you. I pay your bills and watch your kids and I do little things to show you i love you. you say your tired of the up and down relationship its a two way street.

this is just some of my emotions towards her but this morning it helped me so tell your ex or soon to be ex what you feel here.

get it off your chest

Wow. Thank you for this. Minus the smoking cigarettes I think you just described the exact way I felt and could never actually articulate to her. Every time I'd try to put it in words like this it would come out like word vomit my mind rushing faster than my mouth and she would shut me down.

I'd be more than happy to chat with you any time as she always blamed me too for being mopey and ruining her days, yet when asked to provide specific examples so I may improve the situation she would just respond with I don't know you just are and just do.

She used to say she wanted the happy me who she fell in love with but yet her nick name for me in college was grump ass. I too am generally a happy go lucky guy, but when you come home every day to the woman you love texting other men while looking at you with disdain and pulling away from you for no reason and verbally and mentally abusing you, then yeah I am going to be unhappy when my partner says I need to grow up and deal with my problems like everyone else and should appreciate what I have.

Anyway, I did get closure twice when I discovered and then it was recently confirmed she was cheating on me while purposely abusing me so I would leave. It didn't help, just made me fell sick and in a sense raped of my heart, character, soul, and life.

And here I am still missing her. Why did she have to be so wonderful in the beginning n

[freshlySane]

Oh man its like flashes of Nam when I think of her Mine called me Eeyore from Winnie the pooh she always found shows and found her favorite character and name them me I like Sheldon from Big bang theory because he is a n A**hole like you. Or this guy is a loner like you.

They Idolize us in the beginning but that doesn't last and the devalue us when they get to know us. It sucks but that's the disorder

[afterdeath]

In the beginning I was described as the perfect boyfriend.

Eeyore sounds familiar, she may have tried that on me too.

In the end she said I want the fun confident some what cocky guy I fell in love with yet she then countered with I act like I'm better than everyone... .  I'm sorry... define cocky for me again?

Her office mates were the ones that supposedly talked bad about me because they didn't know me and she never introduced me to any of them so at their softball games when I was busy watching daughter and playing with her I was apparently being too good for everyone else.

I tell you, if I had bent over backwards any more to give her what she needed to please her, I'd be walking on my head.

Again, like a lawyer, in my defensive rebuttals I always asked for evidence or specific times for her accusations. Never had any. She would just repeat my supposed offense and say: you just do, or you just are.

Perfect communication honey. Gives me a great idea where improvement was needed. Sarcasm.

[waitaminute]

Yeah... .  No closure really. You can freeze the process and go with the last thing they say. But if you check back later, it's likely to change. I have heard the entire orchestra from her. Sometimes it's the violins, sometimes the drums, sometimes a weird sitar solos.

[KellyO]

I sort of got my closure, it was the last three months we were together. I had done so much work with myself I did not trigger him so much anymore, and at the same time I could clearly see how he acted, what he wanted and how he run the show. How self-centered he was. How he tried to control me in the more subtle ways because obvious ways did not work anymore, and he couldn't create the drama so much.  First time our relationship was almost like normal, and I was still very unhappy. We haven't spoken once after I ended it. I knew he wanted us to live together after while, and I knew I couldn't do it, I was horrified how he would turn again if we would live under same roof. He couldn't understand it and was hurt. If he would have said "I know I hurt you before when we tried, tell me everything you are scared of, I will do what it takes so we can be together", I would have never ended it. But he did not say it. He told me he was hurt that I don't want to live with him, if I loved him I wouldn't see him as such an awful person. So... .  that sort of gave me my closure. I can't give him what he wants. I can't make myself do it, I rather die. I can't live with him, period. So, it is only fair he is free to find someone who can live with him... .  and maybe he will learn something about himself when he finds out that women who live with him tend to suffer  

[afterdeath]

Yeah... .  No closure really. You can freeze the process and go with the last thing they say. But if you check back later, it's likely to change. I have heard the entire orchestra from her. Sometimes it's the violins, sometimes the drums, sometimes a weird sitar solos.

True. The reasons always changed and she would harp on them like a broken record until I would discredit them then she would make something else up.

[GustheDog]

Our newfound awareness and understanding of this disorder is our closure.  The traditional conception of "closure" implied in this thread is a mature, considerate, and respectful interaction between two adults.

Learning about BPD means learning that, fundamentally, our pwBPD are not mature, considerate, respectful adults.  Learning about BPD means learning that, *regardless of what you did or did not do*, you would have suffered the same terrible outcome.  Learning about BPD means learning that this isn't your fault, and that you can now stop carrying around the tremendous weight of your exBPD's troubles, intense emotions, and toxic blame.  Learning about BPD means learning that everyone before you and after you has received and will receive the same treatment. 

And, finally, it means appreciating the fact that this person saw enough strength and goodness in you to mirror you in an effort to "merge" with your self.  They were enamored enough with us and our various qualities that they actually sought to become us.  To me, that's a pretty high compliment.

I'm still very hurt, but I can no longer justifiably say that I haven't achieved closure.  Not from my ex, perhaps, but that is no longer important.

[benny2]

So very true and thanks for reminding me of being a good person that he wanted to mirror. He told me so many times what a good person I was, but he just could not be that good person for me. I do know he tried.

[afterdeath]

Thank you Gus. That helped me more than you'll ever know.

[GustheDog]

Thank you Gus. That helped me more than you'll ever know.

No problem, man.

And another thing - we're all going to come out the other side of this thing, and we're going to come out stronger, wiser, and healthier than ever before.

Here's where we can use those long-range thinking skills that our pwBPD lack.  Quite likely, we're going to have a better, richer life as a result of this experience.  So keep your head down, feel sad when you have to, try not to take it personally, but most importantly just keep moving forward.

[freshlySane]

Im glad to see people helping people on this thread i had a great day despite my horrible morning. I apply the steps i loved a mental ill person and its ok i did my best but i also want the best for me. We all will make it thru this happier.

[GreenMango]

Closure is facing the facts (I looked at the events of last year), accepting and surrendering (quit fighting your own emotions/self on this relationship), and moving forward in a better direction (Creative Action - Step 4 in Detachment).

Tall order for sure, but doable.

[FollowingBliss]

LETS FACE IT WE WILL NEVER GET CLOSURE


she always blamed me too for being mopey and ruining her days, yet when asked to provide specific examples so I may improve the situation she would just respond with I don't know you just are and just do.

My ex-husband was the same way. You were always put in no-win situations.

[cal644]

My soon to be ex wife said very similar things, She didn't want to get off work early because she didn't want to come home and face my mopy attitude (What the heck).  All the projecting and feelings and blame on me for her attitudes while texting her new found night in shinning armor.  Since we went LC because of the girls it has helped me to get closure - that way each text or conversation can't be turned around to say how horrible I was to her.  The closure started to come when I realized that I was not responsible for her anymore (I don't want to see her get hurt - which I know will happen) - but she is not my responsibility anymore.  It's like the 3 yr old within her - I will give her her wish and let her touch the hot stove - maybe she will get burned and then realize how she threw it all away - and then truely get the help she needs