Been thinking...

[really]

One of the things that happened in my relationship with my exGF was that I lost a huge part of my sense of self.    I have lost a sense of my needs, my needs... .  and perhaps some of values - if not values, then certainly what are acceptable boundaries.

MY ex was still with someone when she started our relationship.   She was adamant it was over, he didn't want to get married, he had cheated on her (I know this to be true).   I did not want to get involved too physically until she had dealt with that.   She didn't, she said she was a coward and things became difficult. The times I tried to walk away and wait for her to deal with things, she would always pull me back.   And by then I was too smitten to walk away for good.    Eventually she did it but it had all taken a huge toll on me.  I was begged for forgiveness, I gave it in spades but I damaged myself, my self belief, my trust in others... .  I protected her feelings at the cost of my own.

She then cheated on me again with someone else.

Throughout all this she professed her undying love, her wish to get married to me, have a family etc.   I was the most "handsome, intelligent, generous, kind, loving wonderful man, who she loved sososososososososososososo much" - her words.   

When she dumped me cold, two days after Christmas before last I fell apart, sought explanations, bombarded her with texts and emails... .  and got a year of abuse (but for one night when she came back threw herself at me, told me she had just panicked and loved me so much). 


There are times when I have wanted to expose her lies and cheating to others, when I have wanted to write to her family and tell them about her behaviour, but I have not done so because I would hate myself if I did.

I have really struggled this past year.   I have been less than who I should be.   I have begged, tried to get her to see sense, and failed to simply accept that for reasons that she is either unwilling or unable to change, she will never be able to make up for what she did.

It's got me thinking, that the one thing that I need to get back is my sense of core values, and one is loving genuinely.

There are some remarkable people who have been through far worse and yet have the ability to forgive... .  Nelson Mandela, holocaust survivors... .  

Years ago I read Victor Frankls book Man's Search for Meaning, it was after another painful life experience.

The following is a quote from the book

A thought transfixed me: for the first time in my life I saw the truth as it is set into song by so many poets, proclaimed as the final wisdom by so many thinkers. The truth – that love is the ultimate and the highest goal to which man can aspire. Then I grasped the meaning of the greatest secret that human poetry and human thought and belief have to impart: The salvation of man is through love and in love.



So today I accept without reservation that she is ill, that she either will not or cannot change how she deals with those who get close to her, and I chose to love her, so loving her as I do, the only thing I can do is to set her free, allow her to make her own choices in life without regard to me.   Trying anything different will not work.   Ruminating about it all has not worked, contacting her and asking her to consider what we had and why things were difficult has not worked, getting angry has not worked, turning anger on myself has not worked.   

Time to love her by letting her go forever, as hard as that feels right now it is what I need to do. 

[TheDude]

Time to love her by letting her go forever,

Yes! This will also be a great step toward loving yourself. 

[benny2]

So very true. I actually thought and did the same. Let him go. I could not change him. I also thought of telling his family of his illness, although they know something is wrong, but I did not. I felt it was not my place, although I think in his fear of me telling them so, he has also painted me black with them, and that hurts. I feel like I am stuck in a no win situation. Its so very hard. I have lost my self also. I find it hard to trust anyone now and I think this whole thing has damaged me, but hopefully in time I can get that back. I just don't know.

[Tausk]

Really:  So very sad and inspiring at the same time.

I try and remember two phrases:

1: The greatest gift they can give us is to hurt us to the point where we must let go and then look at our own issues.  The greatest gift that we can give to them is to let go and detach (and for me, keep no contact).

and;

2:  I cry when I mourn, and I cry twice as hard because I know that my ex cannot mourn for herself.  All she can do is paint me black, forget, and lay with another man.


It's so very hard and pathetic.  My ex deserves my pity, and I would help her if I could, but any contact is destructive to both of us.  So that leaves me not option but to look inward... .  and only inward.

In support,

Sp