How can they honestly not miss us?

[Dave44]

I simply can not wrap my head around how they can not miss us? I read so many people's posts about how their partners put them through the push pull cycles, or how they relentlessly called, texted, emailed them. But in my case (a quiet borderline) there has been NOTHING. Not a single peep and that really hurts me not to mention leaves me extremely confused. How could she have been professing her undying love, saying "I've finally found the one and only for me" two days before a abruptly ending it? I don't understand how you can share something as meaningful and deep as we did and then NEVER want to speak to me again? Over nothing! How can you have feelings as strongly enough to want to marry and spend he rear of your life with someone and then almost overnight switch and say we're not right for one another? I know I'll never hear from her again... .  she made that quite clear... .  I can't fathom that. To share that with someone, to live with them and then never to hear from them again cold turkey? I think about her everyday all day and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I know I'm only into a month of NC but still... .  from the minute I get up from the minute I go to sleep (and sometimes in my dreams) I'm thinking of her and painfully missing her. Why isn't she doing the same? Im really hurting today... .  

[Jay08]

Just you wait. The breakup cycle is reverse for them. They have a tendency to comeback when you've begun moving on. If you read enough, you will see BPD partners coming back into contact usually after months or even a year. They always come back... .  

[morningagain]

the way i understand it is "out of sight, out of mind" - like a three year old perceives and feels about things.  their brains work different and that makes it very difficult for us to understand.

and it hurts.  a lot.

we will get through it.  this is our pain to go through, not theirs.  they have their pain they deal with, we have ours.  it is different because we are different, our brains work differently in some rather substantial ways.

if they did miss us like we miss them, we probably all would not be in our present situations.  they would not be BPD.

[benny2]

Just as you said, she told me she loved me and I was the one for her, just as surely she switched her mind in complete reverse and left you. You can be sure she will switch it again. Went through it for 17 years. Goodbye, hello. You just have to say enough is enough. Their minds are constantly and I mean constantly changing. That would be your life with her. Ask yourself, is this what I want? I'm sure its not. Who would. After a while you become an emotional reck. Its hard to relate to because we do not think the same as them. To us love is love, to them its just a four letter word.

[seeking balance]

I simply can not wrap my head around how they can not miss us? I read so many people's posts about how their partners put them through the push pull cycles, or how they relentlessly called, texted, emailed them. But in my case (a quiet borderline) there has been NOTHING. Not a single peep and that really hurts me not to mention leaves me extremely confused. How could she have been professing her undying love, saying "I've finally found the one and only for me" two days before a abruptly ending it? I don't understand how you can share something as meaningful and deep as we did and then NEVER want to speak to me again? Over nothing! How can you have feelings as strongly enough to want to marry and spend he rear of your life with someone and then almost overnight switch and say we're not right for one another? I know I'll never hear from her again... .  she made that quite clear... .  I can't fathom that. To share that with someone, to live with them and then never to hear from them again cold turkey? I think about her everyday all day and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I know I'm only into a month of NC but still... .  from the minute I get up from the minute I go to sleep (and sometimes in my dreams) I'm thinking of her and painfully missing her. Why isn't she doing the same? Im really hurting today... .  

This is one of the False Beliefs that keep us stuck from article 9... .  Belief that they experience the relationship the same way we do.

Unknown to you, there were many times your ex likely felt shame, guilt - extreme emotions that made the relationship with you volitile in her own mind.  Because of this, she may miss you, but she also remembers the very painful other emotions too.

Just because she doesn't call, doesn't mean she didn't love you.  It means the pain has outweighed the good - you are the trigger of the pain in her mind.

I am sorry you are having a rough day - these relationships are hard to process with all the layers.  What helped me during the hard times was read and reread the 10 False Beliefs that keep us stuck - my pain was tied directly to those false beliefs almost every time.

Peace,

SB

[KellyO]

Belief that they experience the relationship the same way we do.

This is something I struggle with all the time. I find myself thinking he thinks like me, feels like me and sees things like me. I know it is my false thinking. I have had enough glues of how he thinks, sees and feels... .  and I can't understand them, they don't fit in anything I know about men. Sometimes I have a feeling I spent two years with a teenage girl with... .  you know, male parts. Yes, that descripes it pretty well.

[happiness68]

Dave44 - I agree.  I was in a terrible state for month one, month two and now I'm into month three I'm starting to feel so much better. You will too.  You just need time.  Also I think when you realise your own worth and how you didn't deserve to be treated like that, you'll start to feel so much stronger.  Forgive her and forgive yourself and you will find it easier.  Also I agree with the comment about them coming back once you've moved on. I've a strong feeling, a very strong feeling, that this will happen to me.  Maybe you too.  However,  I hope that you, like me, will be able to say, sorry but no. 

[myself]

Some don't miss us because they're just not wired that way. Can only see themselves. Some do miss us because the love was real, they just aren't able to consistently reciprocate it or accept it. Some do miss us because they need someone around to project their pains, blame, and shame onto. That's one reason they jump from person to person, so they won't have to face themselves and actually deal with their own stuff. The pain and shame is overwhelming, and since they can't really blame themselves, it falls on us, in their eyes, and keeps them away because of it. The patterns repeat.

[GustheDog]

Some don't miss us because they're just not wired that way. Can only see themselves. Some do miss us because the love was real, they just aren't able to consistently reciprocate it or accept it. Some do miss us because they need someone around to project their pains, blame, and shame onto. That's one reason they jump from person to person, so they won't have to face themselves and actually deal with their own stuff. The pain and shame is overwhelming, and since they can't really blame themselves, it falls on us, in their eyes, and keeps them away because of it. The patterns repeat.

This is one of the primary reasons for this, IMO.  Once you've been scapegoated, you are soiled refuse.  Returning to you is to return to their own ___.

Another aspect is that, like children, they don't understand the value of postponed gratification, and how a bit of sacrifice, hard work, difficulty, and perhaps emotional pain now can yield far greater rewards in the long run.  They're not "big picture" thinkers because they don't have that capacity.  They mistake the forest for the trees at every turn, and are totally consumed by the feeling du jour.

The bottom line, I think, is that they do *whatever* makes them feel better *today* - this necessarily discounts your feelings and anything else not directly tied to their immediate gratification.  Follow the reward.

From 2010 (discussing how BPDs can rebound so quickly - I know you didn't bring this up in your post, but it's all related):

"The minute that the new guy doesn't return a phone call quickly or says something that she perceives to be uncaring or a slight criticism, her bad begins to take over- and when it does, a frantic search begins all over again for the needed replacements of good. You see, this isn't just a desire- it's a need. Borderlines live with two part time selves and they get much of their anxiety from trying to keep the pendulum from swinging back and forth. Now that the new guy cannot be counted on- he's considered a punitive, criticizing, withdrawing object away from good- much in the same way that was done to you.

"Her reward is found in actions toward the seeking out of good. Are you going to be called into action again? Possibly. You were an old repository of good, but you were also wearing the cloak of bad quite well. Because you were so committed to her, you've suffered- and your reflection is now of pain. Perhaps it's time for her to seek out a completely new person who doesn't know she's been bad.

"This way she keeps her rewarding objects close while fending off the bad she feels (oh yes, she cast off her bad onto you like a net- and you're wearing it still) while she's still stealthily searching for new objects. That search will be kept hidden. When someone has Borderline personality disorder, when someone is dependent upon something to feel better about themselves, they will not be and they cannot be emotionally available to develop an intimate relationship with you. They are too busy within the workings of the disorder.

"It's a disorder. You have to respect that fact. It is stronger than you and it is located within their mind, hidden from view. You do not control it. You cannot cure it. You can only control yourself- and that starts with acceptance of the problem and acceptance of the fact that there is nothing you can do about it. So stop worrying. Everything is going to be OK. You will get through this once you find resignation. Then you can begin the process of looking at yourself. And that's the most important job you will ever have."

[lipstick]

Hi Dave,

I'm so sorry that you're in pain. What they do to us truly sucks. "Emotional vampires", no? I have wrestled with what you're feeling / going through. My BPDex dumped me two days before my birthday and went running back to his BPD lapdog of a spouse. He's given me the Silent Treatment ever since (after proposing to me and a bunch of other total BS).

I will tell you this - I believe that they most certainly DO think about us. I know mine does for a fact. Don't ask me how.    But I do. I just think those reptilian brains can't deal with us on a mature level. So, run, run away. It's all about them. It's the disorder - and the disorder always wins.

I know you are hurting and none of this helps much. I actually had to start writing my thoughts down in a journal every.single.time that I felt the need to break contact. And yes - I had many, many setbacks. I fired off messages to his sorry azz about every three days initially. Continued to do so for about six weeks. What did I get for my efforts? More Silent Treatment. Totally devalues the person on the receiving end of it.

But it does get better. Do I still think about him? Absolutely! I love him and that hasn't changed. However, my life is now soo much more peaceful. Even my cats have stabilized and are calmer / happier. That tells me something right there! Get a journal. Start writing down the thoughts that are crossing your mind. Do it when you feel angry, weak, sad, whatever. Eventually, you will start to see a change in your writings and a change in yourself. It's a process. And it's hard. But I know how you are feeling! Hang in there!

[nowwhatz]

I simply can not wrap my head around how they can not miss us? I read so many people's posts about how their partners put them through the push pull cycles, or how they relentlessly called, texted, emailed them. But in my case (a quiet borderline) there has been NOTHING. Not a single peep and that really hurts me not to mention leaves me extremely confused. How could she have been professing her undying love, saying "I've finally found the one and only for me" two days before a abruptly ending it? I don't understand how you can share something as meaningful and deep as we did and then NEVER want to speak to me again? Over nothing! How can you have feelings as strongly enough to want to marry and spend he rear of your life with someone and then almost overnight switch and say we're not right for one another? I know I'll never hear from her again... .  she made that quite clear... .  I can't fathom that. To share that with someone, to live with them and then never to hear from them again cold turkey? I think about her everyday all day and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I know I'm only into a month of NC but still... .  from the minute I get up from the minute I go to sleep (and sometimes in my dreams) I'm thinking of her and painfully missing her. Why isn't she doing the same? Im really hurting today... .  

Hi Dave. I have almost the exact same situation. I am the one that does the calls and texts. Like seeking balances says they come back right when we are close to 'moving on.'  Although I have done much better during this off period of the recycle cycle... .  I am having a day like yours. I think the bad feelings are brought on by fatigue for me as I worked like crazy and got little sleep last week. Also I texted the ex and got a not very nice reply.

I contemplated telling her what I think by text but I know it accomplishes nothing. The only thing that can break this cycle is for me to do nothing until she tries to come back the next time (it is coming)... .  then... .  at that time in the future I have to reject her advances.

They do love you and miss you... .  that is why they push away... .  because they are afraid of love.

The hardest thing for me is not taking it personally.  I am not a good turn the other cheek person. I like to fight back... .  but again it accomplishes nothing with these people.

I think that is what you are going through now.  Hang in there brother. I know there are many good thoughts and prayers being sent your way. It will get better.

[tailspin]

Dave,

It takes time to work through the abandonment trauma you're going through.  I remember asking myself the same question.  I think she does miss you, but it's not as important to her as getting away from the trigger of being close to someone she knows will only disappoint her in the end.  

Those suffering from BPD have the same script that plays over and over again in their minds.  They spend their entire life looking for "the one" who will give them a happy ending without understanding they are destroying any chance of this ever happening.  The live their own self-fulfilling prophecy which says "I am not loveable and I will never find anyone to fill the emptiness inside of me."  They are compelled to walk away before the inevitable occurs and we leave them; this is the constant terror in their minds.  They are sure we will leave them even if it isn't true and no matter what we say or do; they don't really think they are worthy of love.  Their feelings become facts.  They leave us before we can leave them.

The fear of abandonment prevents them from attaching to anyone in a meaningful way.  In their minds, attachments are not safe and will always result in unspeakable pain.  They often do horrible things to us to make sure the ending is familiar to them; they like to control the demolition.  Familiar endings keep them from thinking something is wrong with them because acknowledging something is wrong with them will result in emotional annihilation.

Take the time to grieve without trying to avoid what you are feeling.  What you are feeling is real and it hurts.  You are going to be ok.

tailspin

[Coral]

I am so sorry you're hurting. My BPD sister wipes me out of her life for literally months at a time.  She has friends she's been close to for years who don't know she has a sister. Whenever I've met one of her friends, I was always sorry I didn't have a camera.

[almost789]

It is very much out of site out of mind Dave. Shes not thinking of you. Again, another defensive mechanism and/or object constancy and disassociation. Jay is right, they seem to come back around just when your starting to detatch and feeling better. Just remember what she did. She will do it everytime. Unless you want to go through this very same thing more than once. Please dont recycle.

Gusthedog, that is an amazing post by 2010. Ive never read that one.

[bb12]

Hi Dave

My ex cut me off 13 months ago and has never come back. When they paint you black and you become "all bad", sometimes they keep us that way forever.

We get stuck in understanding mode trying to reconcile what we are witnessing with our own back catalogue of truths. But because their is no closure, this all becomes a journey of self and less about them.

Self enquiry sets you free. What were the red flags and why did we ignore them? Was it really as deep as we thought or did we project a lot if own hopes onto them? What is it in me that needs to fix and rescue?... .  That is ok with giving more than I get?

Once we are exhausted by the mental processing of this illness we need to learn how to feel. We're not very good at that!

In the first few months after these cruel break-ups the constant obsession about them is probably a poor coping skill of our own as we avoid doing the emotional work and examine how it makes us feel!

The sooner we take the focus off them the faster we heal

Bb12

[freshlySane]

I love this rap song MY life by slaughter house and c lee green it makes me smile and feel hope... .  

I love my ex she was my world and it hurts that she doesn't think or care for me anymore but you know what this is my Mother F***ing Life sorry to be so vulgar but  no one is going to ruin it. They are gone they build us up and tore us down its like the dysfunctional army and that why we ended up here but you know what. Love you If you can not love yourself you can not truly love another something they lack. They cant miss us some do some don't but they lose out on people who was there for them and that;s an ultimate lose in my book. We are emotional more equipped then they are.

Love You, don't blame yourself and look at this is a disorder not them per say. It does get better and when you reach that state look back at this as a battle you won.

[Robbz]

Dave, I deal with this multiple times daily. The other day it was pitch black here about 3:30pm in the afternoon due to intense storms. I sat down on the floor and thought how on earth has she not called? It was an overwhelming dark dark feeling. Sometimes I think she has to be missing me. But then again, obviously not enough to make contact. I think it's important to note here, this question as it pops into my head each day is flat out debilitating. When it hits me I'm frozen for a good 30 minutes. It feels like a knife being struck through your heart. I hope that goes away one day. Today I found myself feeling intense anger at this thought. You are not alone.