Lost job... now trying for MOTY

[sanemom]

We are sensing BPD mom's alienation tactics again, and it is worrisome since case is still open.  She apparently has lost her job (she held it for 3 months) and is all of a sudden interested in the boys' schoolwork after not doing much of anything their entire lives.  DSS14 is eating the attention up. 

I told DH that he needs to just make sure he is spending time with the boys to counter as much as possible.  Hopefully, their therapist will see the change as well.

Surely, the GAL will not think it a good thing that she only kept a job for three months, right? 

[Matt]

How old are the other boys?

How much time do they spend with each of you?

[sanemom]

The boys are 12 and 14.  They only are with mom EOW and for dinner one night a week.  The 14 year old is more easily swayed by Mom than the 12 year old.

Dh jus recently had a blow up with the 14 yo for lying, though, so even though dh apologized for overreacting, I am sure BPD mom is using that.  Unfortunately, dh prolly said things he should not have, but he is soo tired of seeing how good mom is at manipulating the boys (ESP DSS14) even now.  He told him "your mom is trying to hurt me"... .  I bet that made dss14 dig his heels in to protect mom.  :-(

I hate this.  She is good.

[Matt]

I doubt that the GAL will judge either parent for career ups and downs, though it might look like Mom isn't in a very stable situation.

Seems like you and your husband are both right to focus as much as possible on listening to the kids, giving them structure and guidance, and minimizing your focus on Mom.

If the boys are doing well - school, behavior, health, and relationships - then it's most likely that custody will be kept as it is.

Do you know your state's criteria for custody?

Could you show your strength for each of the criteria?

Do you have a lawyer for the custody issue?

[scraps66]

Interested in how the job loss turns out.  I sense my ex "cutting back" in exchange getting to spend more time with my boys, picking them up every day on my days, and in the process taking a $20k cut in pay which court accepted without question.

I'd like to believe that the stable environment that you and hsuband create would trump anyting that BP can provide.  I would be vey concerned with her just flat out "turning" the kids on dad and eventually have them ask to be with mom.  I can sense this with my S5 and S8 already.

If she's not working, has she or will she demand to have the kids more?  If there is some type of psychological info. in the case, or requirement that she work, I would use that to counter her games.  From my perspective I want my ex to work as much as possilbe to limit her time with the kids.  Just a practical way of limiting her effect and time to program.

[sanemom]

Interested in how the job loss turns out.  I sense my ex "cutting back" in exchange getting to spend more time with my boys, picking them up every day on my days, and in the process taking a $20k cut in pay which court accepted without question.

I'd like to believe that the stable environment that you and hsuband create would trump anyting that BP can provide.  I would be vey concerned with her just flat out "turning" the kids on dad and eventually have them ask to be with mom.  I can sense this with my S5 and S8 already.

If she's not working, has she or will she demand to have the kids more?  If there is some type of psychological info. in the case, or requirement that she work, I would use that to counter her games.  From my perspective I want my ex to work as much as possilbe to limit her time with the kids.  Just a practical way of limiting her effect and time to program.

I don't know if she will demand to have the kids more--doubt it.  She will just use it as a ploy to get them to see how wonderful it would be to live with her.  She owes DH about 6 years of child support (it was only $250/month so it isn't a lot of money) for when he was raising all three on his own.  She has never kept a job for longer than a year.  Her only career is MOOCHER as she seems to be able to find people to pay her bills (prior to the job loss she was unemployed for 15 months living off her mom's money).  

The GAL doesn't seem to go by criteria on custody--just does what the kids want.  He thought that mom would suddenly be stable because she had a good job when he made his decision last time (and quit the job four months after he made the decision).

I guess it is just sad to me how good she is at turning the kids... .  one by one... .  

And we do use Divorce Poison tactics.  I think my dh pushed too hard, though, because he was so upset and he may have lost traction doing that.  Fortunately, the boys have a therapist and hopefully they will work through the most recent incidents.  It just seems that mom gets DSS14 one weekend, allows him to go out on a date with a girl, and suddenly DSS14 thinks that his mom is the bomb, while DSS12 can see the big picture better.

[tog]

My SO has lost his temper and said things he shouldn't have too... .  it's hard to walk that fine line. We've had to learn to just let go and accept our limited amount of control; and just focus on our home and our relationship with SS.

The reality is, SS14 very well may choose to live with his mother and may have to find out the hard way that the promises she makes won't come to fruition, and there isn't a whole lot you can do about that, except make your home a place he wants to be and keep your relationship with him positive.

He probably still hopes that someday his mother will be the mother he wants her to be and so when she makes promises he eats them up. It's been hard for me to let go of the anxiety and not try to control the outcome, but it sure helps a lot when I do.  In our case, SS13 has surprised us and stood up for his time with SO. The hardest for me is knowing that she is surely campaigning and influencing him, but we can't do that. We can't pull on his other arm, we have to be the healthy ones in the situation.

Just correct any inaccurate information she gives him and let him work all of this out on his own. Ugh, I know how hard that is, though... .  been there.

[ForeverDad]

The GAL ... .  thought that mom would suddenly be stable... .  

That's what my GAL said when she wanted to keep equal time when I got custody, saying getting child support (alimony had just ended) would help her be more stable.   That was nearly 2 years ago and now I'm back in court spending even more money.  It shouldn't take 7 years for the court to figure it out, but I guess I ought to count my blessings.  We entered the court system when son was 3, 7 years have passed, 7 to go.  In another court I could be facing not a 7 year struggle to get a reasonable order but a 14 year one.