My mother has just died.

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I have just been told by the funeral home that my mother died 10 hours ago.  She was an undiagnosed BPD and terrorised me for much of my life.

She had in the last week brought in lawyers to forbid anyone to tell me of her condition, she changed her will and apparently disowned and disinherited me. 

I am not bothered about the money as she always used that to manipulate people.  I am just so shocked and sad to learn that she was taken into a hospice two weeks ago and her friends were all told not to tell me by her lawyers.  Now I have been told I will not be arranging her funeral as the lawyers have power of attorney over her and her affairs.

To the end, she was a btch and control freak and now I am alone.  I have no siblings and she chased off all relatives and decent friends many years ago.  I have a wonderful partner and two caring children.

I feel empty inside.  In fact I don't know how I should feel.  Happy she is gone, sad for the mother I never had or what?

Please give me your thoughts on how I might feel, how the next few weeks might look.  How others have faced death of a BPD loved-one (yes I loved her) and does it get better?

Thank you.

J x

[Odysseus.]

I have just been told by the funeral home that my mother died 10 hours ago.  She was an undiagnosed BPD and terrorised me for much of my life.

She had in the last week brought in lawyers to forbid anyone to tell me of her condition, she changed her will and apparently disowned and disinherited me. 

I am not bothered about the money as she always used that to manipulate people.  I am just so shocked and sad to learn that she was taken into a hospice two weeks ago and her friends were all told not to tell me by her lawyers.  Now I have been told I will not be arranging her funeral as the lawyers have power of attorney over her and her affairs.

To the end, she was a btch and control freak and now I am alone.  I have no siblings and she chased off all relatives and decent friends many years ago.  I have a wonderful partner and two caring children.

I feel empty inside.  In fact I don't know how I should feel.  Happy she is gone, sad for the mother I never had or what?

Please give me your thoughts on how I might feel, how the next few weeks might look.  How others have faced death of a BPD loved-one (yes I loved her) and does it get better?

Thank you.

J x

[pinkhairedmama]

I'm sorry for your pain and confusion. Death is our final loss with a BPD parent, but it's still death, and grief is unique in each and every case. You can't control what you feel, nor is there any "right" thing to feel but it WILL get better.

Since you have been forbidden to attend the funeral, perhaps your friends and loved ones can help you devise some sort of letting-go ceremony that will help give you some peace and perspective. You mention you have a wonderful partner and two caring children - they will be even more so in the next few weeks, I imagine!

I cried when I read your post as I have an elderly BPD mom (that I also love) and have often wondered what I will feel when she passes. I wish you peace.

[justine1984]

Odysseus, wow. I am so sorry. 

I too have wondered what it will be like when she dies. And chances are it will happen in the same manner that you had it. Yes, I can see it coming.

What she did is like having the final word in a conversation that you can never ever start again no matter what. I would be very hurt and angry if I were you because it is a very selfish and mean thing she did. I don't know your history but I am sure you would have deserved better. You would think that at least the fear of death can make a person's eyes and heart open, but I guess not.

[GeekyGirl]

Hi Odysseus,

I'm so sorry for your loss.   It's ok to feel however you feel right now, and even though I haven't been through what you're going through yet, I can imagine that you're feeling a range of emotions. Don't judge them, but allow yourself to feel them and find comfort in ways that feel right to you. I'm glad to hear that you have a caring partner and children, as having supportive, loving people around you will help you immensely.

Be good to yourself, and please let us know in the coming days and weeks how you're doing.  

[DogDancer]

Odysseus,

So sorry for your loss. Your feelings -- all of them -- are yours, and they are all valid. You loved her even though she was AWFUL because she was your mother. You're already grieving her. It's difficult grieving a BPD parent; my dxBPD mother died when I was 28. It was terrible to say goodbye knowing that there would be no more chances for anything to change or get better between us. Frankly, though, even in the depths of my early grief, I also felt... .  relief.

Here I am, so many years later at 46, in therapy for the last two years, and mainly I am focusing on healing from the hurt she caused me and a lot of buried frustration and anger, some really unhealthy emotional habits I developed because of her splitting of me as the bad child, and the lasting negative impact her behavior had on the dynamics on our family. BUT... .  I *am* getting better. I am healing. And you know what, there are still times I miss her even though I have long since completed grieving her loss.

Please keep reading and posting here. This is such a helpful, informative, supportive place. You are amongst comrades who understand. Be gentle with yourself in the coming days.

Peace and continued healing for us all,

DogDancer

[Odysseus.]

Dear Friends:

Thanks for your kind words and support.  I have struggled so often coming onto this site - being torn between knowing I am not alone, your support and the feeling that I was also swimming in the emotion of other people's stories.  So I have tried over the past couple of years to feel I was part of you, but I didn't share much.

At the end of the day it is down to me to work through this - Justine 1984 and DogDancer, you summed it all up as the conversation is over and this is true.  She tried to have the final word. 

Yet I am still alive and people need me and I must have the final words and they are 'it is over'.

I'll work through the FOG that is there.  The fear is no longer, the obligation is no longer and I will work through any guilt that I have. The lawyers, now they have power-of-attorney, can register her death and they can bury her.

I will now work through the Survivor's Guide - I am at 3 in Remembering.  For so long I didn't see her behaviour as abusive but as what I deserved or what I had to accept - the mental torture and the physical beatings.

This is the beginning of the rest of my life, I know.

Love x

J

[DogDancer]

Odysseus, friend --

I was thinking about you, and other friends and survivors with whom I've been talking since taking that step to move from being a reader here to a poster just this week. I came back to check if you'd said more. I'm sorry for your loss, I'm sorry that your mother died, I'm so sorry you're hurting.

It really hit me reading this morning how utterly selfish she was in her final wishes, and that's a theme it seems, too, with the BPDs who die untreated, unhealed and ultimately, terminally ill in spirit as well as in mind and body. It wasn't enough to abuse in you life, she had to abuse you in her death, too: By making it legally impossible for you to participate in her death, to bury her or arrange a funeral and memorial service, she's purposefully taken away the rituals of healing and loss that we undertake when someone we love -- or someone who has been an important part of our life -- dies in order to help ourselves move forward. So cruel. So terribly unfair.

Just as you are taking back the right, the survivor's right to have the final word, consider, friend, creating your own memorial service of some type, to say goodbye. Our rituals are important. They have meaning, and we create meaning in conducting them, and you deserve to say goodbye to your mother. You deserve all healing steps that you take. In some ways, you've walked right up to that by posting here and sharing with us, haven't you. Perhaps you could do something with your partner and children. Do you have any photos of you with your mother? Taking them out and talking about them might be part of a ritual. Writing a letter to her saying goodbye and then burning it or burying it somewhere outside that calls to you might be part of a ritual. This is for you.

"Swimming in the emotions of others" you said. Yes, I hear you. Sometimes it feels like we are all bathing in each other's tears, doesn't it. Let us wash ourselves clean, then, and clear of the FOG.

As to what to expect in the next two weeks, you'll have to see. You're in state of shock and everyone's grief is unique. You might roll through the denial, anger, bargaining, acceptance stuff. You might find yourself exhausted and needing to sleep the healing sleep of Lethe. Don't be surprised though if some outright joy or even what feels like "inappropriate" glee at her demise bubbles up through any sadness. There is no inappropriate. There is only what you need to feel. You're a surfer now, so ride the waves, and if you get tossed around, visualize the turbulent water as purifying and have faith in yourself that you'll surface. 

I hope you will post again. You know you have supporters here who understand and care.

Peace and continued healing,

DogDancer

[justine1984]

I agree with DogDancer - have a memorial or some ritual of your own. he funeral rituals have little to do with the dead, really. They are for those who are still here, to have closure, to say goodbye. I know how hard it is not having closure and I think  you deserve to have it.

[InaMinorRole]

My uBPD mother died about 12 years ago. There's something about the death of a parent that rocks you to the core whether they were a good parent or a bad parent. This feeling passes quickly. Soon you will be able to process the whole life story better. Be patient with yourself and with other people who do not really understand how you feel.

I eventually landed on a complex mix of emotions. I feel anger that she treated me as she sometimes did, wistful that I didn't have a normal childhood, compassion for her in whatever it was that messed her up so badly, fondness for the good times we did have, and above all: relief that it's over.

[DogDancer]

Hear, hear, Ina! Well and succinctly said.

Peace to all here --

DogDancer

[Eureka1]

Odysseus

I am sorry that you are grieving.  Hold on tight to your partner and your children.

Loss of a parent is hard, no matter the circumstances.

[Lisallew]

It's so natural you're grieving, despite what you've been through over the years. So glad you have a strong partner and kids. That's wonderful.

Allow yourself to grieve, don't allow yourself to feel guilt or anything like that. Allow yourself to heal, and you can look forward to moving on in your life.

The thing with BPD parents I've found is that they have to have the final word. They like to hurt and manipulate, and that's what your mother has done - even 'beyond the grave'.

Try to rise above that last hurtful act and live a life that's not marred by the nasty words and acts of your mother.

Wishing you all the best and many many happy days ahead of you.

Lisa

[GreenMango]

Odysseus I am so very sorry to hear how this all panned out with your mom.  I remember reading when you were going to visit her while she was sick and things got worse.

When I read posts like these it's hard to not see how difficult on children with parents that have BPD their passing can be.  The grief gets compounded.

It's comforting to know you have a loving wife and kids.  How is the rest of your support?  Friends, other Family?

[WrongWoman]

I am so sorry.  ((hugs))

[Odysseus.]

After the funeral was postponed by the priest because he was busy, it's now been scheduled for next Tuesday. Thankfully the funeral home persuaded the executor of my mother's estate (a recent friend of hers) to involve me in the arrangements. Then the executor wanted to postpone the funeral again because she looks after her grandchild on Tuesdays.

I am so angry because she was my mother not hers. That this woman is now going through my mother's belongings and estate when she knows very little about her. And now she is 'offering' me bits of her cheap jewellery for my daughter. She is now the main beneficiary to her estate and that really upsets me. And to cap it all she tells me how crazy my mother was. Well this craziness was mine for 57 years not hers.

Me, my partner and my two kids are driving 300 miles to her funeral on Tuesday.  I have refused to join this woman and other cronies at a sit-down meal on the day, tucking into $1500 cash that she found in my mother's drawers. Who is she to decide how to spend her money.

But at the end of the day, it was Monster Mother that changed her will, that took executorship from me and disinherited me.

I dont feel any sadness at her passing, but I feel so angry at how much time and money I have invested in her over the years, all the craziness, wasted emotions and abuse.  I really wish I could stand up at her funeral and tell everyone what an awful woman she was. But I wont.

Tuesday will be an odd day. I dont know how I will feel.  But it is the start of the rest of my life.

[GeekyGirl]

I don't blame you for being angry and hurt about how this week has unfolded. You're right--you knew your mother better than the executor did, and yes, it does seem very unfair that this friend is seemingly taking advantage of her position as the executor of the estate. That's enough to anger just about anyone.

Tuesday will be an odd day. I dont know how I will feel.  But it is the start of the rest of my life.

That's a good way to look at it. Again, just acknowledge how you feel and do what feels right. I'll keep you in my thoughts this Tuesday, and I hope that the funeral brings you some peace to say goodbye and move forward. 

[DogDancer]

Odysseus hi,

Came back to see how things are going. I'm jacked on your behalf! I'd be angry, too. The whole thing sounds preposterous... .  because it is. 

However... .  I am glad that you can be involved in some arrangements now. It seems as though even with all the b.s. surrounding the executor that you've described... .  you might have a better time processing the whole thing this way than the total shut out that was teed up. Cold comfort, yes, but, take it and run -- although you know you deserve so much more. And you're entitled to feel HOWEVER you feel on Tuesday!

You bet it's the start of the rest of your life -- a much calmer, more sane one without this sort of nonsense lying in wait.   You hang onto that thought to get you through what ever emotions occur, and there may be more mixed ones than the righteous anger.

Ride the waves, friend. You're getting through this.

Peace and healing to you and your family,

DogDancer

[Demeter]

Peace be with you. and your family.

[Odysseus.]

Well it is all over now bar the healing.

The funeral was so sad but I had my partner and my two kids with me. My daughter stayed close to me and supported me - a bit difficult at a catholic funeral to have two men hugging. We didn't want to compound the issues.

I asked my father's relatives, and my only older relatives, to sit with me, my partner and my kids.  My mother had alienated them for 40 years but this was my opportunity for reconciliation.

The woman who is now my mothers executor and beneficiary decided to sit with the family - I was annoyed but wasn't in the mood for an argument.

I remembered what some of you had said and to accept whatever feelings  and emotionsI had. The hymns, chosen by my mother, were the most difficult as was the burial. Now music catches me unawares and I cry when I hear soulful music.

I look at her picture and the service sheet and I just dont know how to feel. Sometimes I cry sometimes I dont know. Jokingly two people have told me I'm an orphan and while meant as a joke,  I hate it.  I feel like I was when I was a child - alone and without an understanding mother. Why she made her final decision I will never know.

But now is the time to heal. Thank you all for your help and support. I shall stay around here.

X

[DogDancer]

Odysseus,

I'm so glad you posted again and have told us about the funeral. Thank you for sharing. Yes, the healing... .  In its own time, it will happen. It already is, although it is all new and raw.

You've been very brave. Please keep letting those emotions flow, even the uneasy ones.

Be extra gentle and loving with yourself now for a good while. You need it and deserve it. 

We'll be here to hear more when you do want to post. I do hope you will. You're thoughts and experiences and feelings have resonated with many of us.

Peace and more healing for us all,

DogDancer

[Odysseus.]

DogDancer:

Thanks for your kind thoughts.

Today in London is so beautiful, sunny and a little warm.  I'm so pleased that Spring is arriving.  I even went swimming at lunchtime and really enjoyed it too.

With your help and support and that of the rest of the forum I will work through this.  I am going to struggle with healing at the same time as challenging the will but I must do that - for my father's memory, for the person that cared for my mother the most over the past 15 years and for my family.  I know I will be pulled in several directions.

I am starting a journal and this will help me with my many feelings as will here.

J x

[WrongWoman]

Odysseus, I am glad that is all behind you, except, as you say, the healing.  I am sorry about the way you were treated by your mother and by her "executor".  Not that surprised, though.  Those who wreak havoc throughout their lives often don't miss the opportunity to do it from beyond the grave, as well.

I hope you can keep looking forward and find the peace that may have eluded you during her life.

[Odysseus.]

Wrongwoman, thanks for your kind thoughts.

For so long I have only seen my mother's wounds - of her upbringing and disability and discounted my own wounds.  I have fought long and hard to accept that I was abused.  Now she has gone, the opportunity is inescapable.  Her wounds affect her no more, mine do.

I'm continuing my journal and immersing myself in all your warm support and encouragement.  I am at 3/4 in Remembering in the 'Survivors Guide'.

Thank you

J x

[Kwamina]

Jokingly two people have told me I'm an orphan and while meant as a joke,  I hate it.  I feel like I was when I was a child - alone and without an understanding mother.

I can really relate to what you say here. Growing up I also often felt like a motherless child eventhough I lived with my mother. I hope you'll be able to find some healing and leave your difficult past behind you.

[Odysseus.]

Thanks for your comments Kwamina.  A work in progress to be sure.

[DogDancer]

Odysseus hello,

Glad you are  posting. I'm ill again -- on antibiotics again. It seems like I've been ill so much these last three months as I've been digging in so hard on this therapeutic process and reaching new levels of feeling/understanding/knowing. A coincidence? I somehow don't think so: We are within our bodies and minds and nervous systems and immune systems and thoughts and feelings -- one organism. When there is trauma in one part of ourselves, the rest is not segregated.

I had a particularly sad session in therapy today - looking at photos of myself as a young child. I love that brave, strong girl, and I'm so sorry she had to endure what she did, and I'm so proud of myself for honoring her.

Also, however, I'm tired of this process, tired of sadness, tired of being raw, even so knowing full well this healing process is helping me, feeling stronger within, feeling that core of anxiety diminishing, slowly, and almost imperceptibly, but steadily all the same. I am so wanting to... .  well, I want to not be feeling these things. I want to more healed already. I want... .  what most of us here want on some level -- to not have had this hurt to be part of our life story, our lives.

Patience, DogDancer, patience, and gentleness with yourself.   

I came back to the boards tonight to see what some you -- of us - have said today. And when I saw your post, I thought of all that you've been through these last weeks, and how tired and sad you might be feeling, friend. And of all who have posted here in response to your posts, and all who have not posted but who have clearly read them with interest, and I am sure, understanding. 

Thank you, friend, for enduring and now healing. When I read your posts, I feel the grief, but I feel your strength and quiet dignity. I am sure I am not alone in this.

Keep posting, keep healing.

Peace and continued healing for us all,

DogDancer

[imataloss]

Odysseus,

I'm just reading about the death of your mother, and want to express my belated condolences as you continue going through the grieving process.  Dealing with the death of a parent is so often one of those life-changing events.  And it's made so much more difficult when the relationship was an unhealthy one such as you had with your mother.  She did everything possible to ensure that the relationship would remain chaotic and uncomfortable for you all the way to her death, just as I'm sure she did while alive. She was determined to maintain total control and not allow you to make any decisions affecting her.  I would imagine it's been harder for you to deal with this because of being NC with her at the time of death.  But acceptance and closure would have been difficult regardless, because of the complicated and unhealthy nature of the relationship.  I hope you've been able to shed some of the guilt, anger, and resentment that this brought on.

Your story touched me because I can relate in so many ways.  I'm 59 years of age and in a stable long-term relationship with my partner (no children but we have 2 dogs that we treat like our kids!).  My 90 year-old mother moved into an assisted living facility last year.  As a result, I have more contact with her than before because she no longer drives and depends on me for transportation.  She's basically in good physical health considering her age, gets around well with a walker, and her mind remains sharp (a curse as well as a blessing for me!).  I'm an only child, live 3 miles away, so it's my responsibility alone.   

I call her and go to visit as seldom as possible because it's never a pleasant experience.  I describe our relationship at this stage as a "business" relationship rather than a personal one.  There are times such as now that I feel guilt that I'm unwilling (or unable?) to do more with her and for her.

Going through the dying process with her causes me a great deal of angst.  I have no idea how I'll feel when it happens.  I imagine it will be just as chaotic, complex, and unsettling as my relationship with her has been since childhood.  I'd like to believe that I'll feel a sense of freedom after the dust settles (no pun intended!).  I've made a great deal of progress over the years, thanks to lots of sessions with a gifted therapist.  But I still feel that I have so many of my mother's traits and characteristics, especially in my interpersonal relationships, even though my therapist continually reassures me that I'm not like my mother.

As usual, posting on this board has clarified my thought process and made me feel better.  It's always comforting to realize there are others who understand and are on the same journey to independence and wholeness.  Odysseus, I wish you peace and acceptance in coping with your loss.  Check in and let us know you you're doing.