Coaches bullying D16.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

S14 and D16 started a new school two years ago - a charter school which is super-excellent academically, not much of an athletic program.  It's been great for them both.  They both get high grades, but there's a lot of homework, so time is short during the school year.

Neither of them are outstanding athletes, but D16 has run track and cross-country at this school, and it's been a good thing for her - very healthy, she's in great shape, and I think there are other good aspects - stress-relief, and being part of the team.  She loves it... .  

... .  but there is a problem with the coaches.  First, the boys and girls teams were both coached by Mr. E, who was a verbally abusive bully.  Several kids quit, including one who had qualified for the state finals.  Kids crying after practice.  Parents talked with Mr. E and with the principal.

I asked D16, "Should I talk with them now, or wait til after the season?", and she preferred I wait til after the season, so I did that - just over a year ago.  By that time, it was clear to me that Mr. E (a man in his 50s who had been coaching for many years, and is also the athletic director for the school) had received a ton of negative feedback from parents.  When I talked with him and the principal, together, he was defensive, and claimed "I'm old-school.", as if that justified inappropriate behavior.  My own view is, after so much negative feedback, for him to continue to deny any responsibility strongly suggests he has some form of mental illness, and after our meeting, I wrote to the principal telling her that, and recommending that he be removed from contact with the kids.

At that point, he was removed as girls coach, but continued coaching the boys.  A new coach, Ms. A, was hired for the girls, and at first that went well.  But recently D16 has been very upset - Ms. A has begun some similar behavior, including calling D16 a "baby" in front of the rest of the team.  Ms. A is now coaching both girls and boys - Mr. E no longer coaches at all.

I asked D16 if she would like to try to talk to Ms. A, but she says she has tried, and Ms. A doesn't listen.  I offered to talk with Ms. A myself, or with D16, and she  preferred the latter, which I think is good.  I informed her mom about it, and her mom wants to take part too - not my preference but probably OK.  (Mom has BPD and doesn't think clearly about these situations, but is generally supportive of the kids and is likely to be pretty passive when we talk to Ms. A.)

We're planning to meet with Ms. A tomorrow, but we'll have only 20 minutes due to her schedule.  Her reply to my e-mail was brief and courteous;  the vibe I got was "I don't think there is a problem.", but she didn't say that.  (But only scheduling 20 minutes suggests she may not be taking this seriously.)

The message in my mind - not how I'll say it tomorrow - is:

* Of all the teachers, coaches, Girl Scout leaders, uncles, aunts, etc. - all the adults who have known D16 - we all see her as enthusiastic, positive, strong - the easiest kid to get along with I've ever know.

* Except 2 adults who seem to have a problem with her - Mr. E and Ms. A.  Quite a coincidence!  Since Ms. A now reports to "athletic director" Mr. E.  (Why a school like this needs an "athletic director" is beyond me.  Better to use that money for better purposes!)

* I see Ms. A's behavior as bullying and abusive, and I think we should have no tolerance for that behavior.

* Adults bullying young people contributes to kids having poor self-worth, which leads to substance abuse, self-harming, and bad early relationships.  I'm not very worried about D16 going down those paths, but if we all wake up one day, and a member of the team has done something stupid, we'll all wish we took stronger action.

* If Ms. A claims she didn't do those things, I'll believe D16 100% and Ms. A 0%.  :)16 has no reason to lie or exaggerate, and never has in the past.

* It's very possible that Ms. A may have some improvements she wants D16 to make, but she needs to communicate that in a positive way.  If she needs coaching, mentoring, or some other resource to help her do that, she should look at anyone in the school - it's a great school! - except her boss, Mr. E.

* If Ms. A doesn't commit to change, I want her to know that's not OK and I will be speaking with the principal and/or taking other action.

* Parents of runners talk, but maybe not enough.  I know D16 isn't the only one who's being treated badly.  I can call other parents and share what we know.

I don't want to come across as unreasonable or "My kid never does anything wrong!", but frankly I see this as a serious behavior problem - the coach's behavior - and I've had it up to here, after being (in retrospect) way too slow to act with respect to Mr. E.  So I do want Ms. A to know that I expect her to change her behavior immediately and completely and I won't back down one inch.

Here's how I'm thinking us using the 20 minutes:

* Tell Ms. A that D16 has already talked with her mom and me, and ask Ms. A for her view of what has been going on between her and D16.

* If she omits key things, like calling D16 a baby in front of the team, I'll prompt her - ":)id you call D16 a baby in front of the team?" etc.

* Then ask D16 if she has anything to add - anything that Ms. A hasn't mentioned.  I'll let her know in advance that she should be ready to do that strongly and briefly.

* Then ask Ms. A what she thinks is needed to make things better, and acknowledge what she says - ":)16 needs to do such-and-such-better."  And see if Ms. A mentions any changes she will make.

* If she says, "I need to communicate more positively.", I'll repeat that and ask her to elaborate, and then express appreciation - "I think that's great - I appreciate that - that's really important."

* If she fails to commit to change, I'll ask her directly, "Are you going to continue to communicate in the same way, including stuff like name-calling?".

* Ultimately, if she doesn't step up, I'll let her know, "This is not acceptable.  I will be talking with Ms. Principal as soon as possible, and asking her to step in and make a change, as she did with Mr. E."

Afterwards, depending how it goes, I may reach out to other parents and ask their views.  I know at least one family - D16's best friend - is likely to feel very strongly too.

Thoughts - better ways to go about this?

Thanks!

Matt

[Matt]

S14 and D16 started a new school two years ago - a charter school which is super-excellent academically, not much of an athletic program.  It's been great for them both.  They both get high grades, but there's a lot of homework, so time is short during the school year.

Neither of them are outstanding athletes, but D16 has run track and cross-country at this school, and it's been a good thing for her - very healthy, she's in great shape, and I think there are other good aspects - stress-relief, and being part of the team.  She loves it... .  

... .  but there is a problem with the coaches.  First, the boys and girls teams were both coached by Mr. E, who was a verbally abusive bully.  Several kids quit, including one who had qualified for the state finals.  Kids crying after practice.  Parents talked with Mr. E and with the principal.

I asked D16, "Should I talk with them now, or wait til after the season?", and she preferred I wait til after the season, so I did that - just over a year ago.  By that time, it was clear to me that Mr. E (a man in his 50s who had been coaching for many years, and is also the athletic director for the school) had received a ton of negative feedback from parents.  When I talked with him and the principal, together, he was defensive, and claimed "I'm old-school.", as if that justified inappropriate behavior.  My own view is, after so much negative feedback, for him to continue to deny any responsibility strongly suggests he has some form of mental illness, and after our meeting, I wrote to the principal telling her that, and recommending that he be removed from contact with the kids.

At that point, he was removed as girls coach, but continued coaching the boys.  A new coach, Ms. A, was hired for the girls, and at first that went well.  But recently D16 has been very upset - Ms. A has begun some similar behavior, including calling D16 a "baby" in front of the rest of the team.  Ms. A is now coaching both girls and boys - Mr. E no longer coaches at all.

I asked D16 if she would like to try to talk to Ms. A, but she says she has tried, and Ms. A doesn't listen.  I offered to talk with Ms. A myself, or with D16, and she  preferred the latter, which I think is good.  I informed her mom about it, and her mom wants to take part too - not my preference but probably OK.  (Mom has BPD and doesn't think clearly about these situations, but is generally supportive of the kids and is likely to be pretty passive when we talk to Ms. A.)

We're planning to meet with Ms. A tomorrow, but we'll have only 20 minutes due to her schedule.  Her reply to my e-mail was brief and courteous;  the vibe I got was "I don't think there is a problem.", but she didn't say that.  (But only scheduling 20 minutes suggests she may not be taking this seriously.)

The message in my mind - not how I'll say it tomorrow - is:

* Of all the teachers, coaches, Girl Scout leaders, uncles, aunts, etc. - all the adults who have known D16 - we all see her as enthusiastic, positive, strong - the easiest kid to get along with I've ever know.

* Except 2 adults who seem to have a problem with her - Mr. E and Ms. A.  Quite a coincidence!  Since Ms. A now reports to "athletic director" Mr. E.  (Why a school like this needs an "athletic director" is beyond me.  Better to use that money for better purposes!)

* I see Ms. A's behavior as bullying and abusive, and I think we should have no tolerance for that behavior.

* Adults bullying young people contributes to kids having poor self-worth, which leads to substance abuse, self-harming, and bad early relationships.  I'm not very worried about D16 going down those paths, but if we all wake up one day, and a member of the team has done something stupid, we'll all wish we took stronger action.

* If Ms. A claims she didn't do those things, I'll believe D16 100% and Ms. A 0%.  :)16 has no reason to lie or exaggerate, and never has in the past.

* It's very possible that Ms. A may have some improvements she wants D16 to make, but she needs to communicate that in a positive way.  If she needs coaching, mentoring, or some other resource to help her do that, she should look at anyone in the school - it's a great school! - except her boss, Mr. E.

* If Ms. A doesn't commit to change, I want her to know that's not OK and I will be speaking with the principal and/or taking other action.

* Parents of runners talk, but maybe not enough.  I know D16 isn't the only one who's being treated badly.  I can call other parents and share what we know.

I don't want to come across as unreasonable or "My kid never does anything wrong!", but frankly I see this as a serious behavior problem - the coach's behavior - and I've had it up to here, after being (in retrospect) way too slow to act with respect to Mr. E.  So I do want Ms. A to know that I expect her to change her behavior immediately and completely and I won't back down one inch.

Here's how I'm thinking us using the 20 minutes:

* Tell Ms. A that D16 has already talked with her mom and me, and ask Ms. A for her view of what has been going on between her and D16.

* If she omits key things, like calling D16 a baby in front of the team, I'll prompt her - ":)id you call D16 a baby in front of the team?" etc.

* Then ask D16 if she has anything to add - anything that Ms. A hasn't mentioned.  I'll let her know in advance that she should be ready to do that strongly and briefly.

* Then ask Ms. A what she thinks is needed to make things better, and acknowledge what she says - ":)16 needs to do such-and-such-better."  And see if Ms. A mentions any changes she will make.

* If she says, "I need to communicate more positively.", I'll repeat that and ask her to elaborate, and then express appreciation - "I think that's great - I appreciate that - that's really important."

* If she fails to commit to change, I'll ask her directly, "Are you going to continue to communicate in the same way, including stuff like name-calling?".

* Ultimately, if she doesn't step up, I'll let her know, "This is not acceptable.  I will be talking with Ms. Principal as soon as possible, and asking her to step in and make a change, as she did with Mr. E."

Afterwards, depending how it goes, I may reach out to other parents and ask their views.  I know at least one family - D16's best friend - is likely to feel very strongly too.

Thoughts - better ways to go about this?

Thanks!

Matt

[whirlpoollife]

My s14 is in cross country. Never have I heard his coaches talk down to the students. You can ask what is the benefit is ( "like a baby) vs  a positive statement (good job D) and helping her afterwards with tips on conditioning for a better run.  I'm not familiar with charter schools, do they have a school board like public schools? Our high school had a team coach that would swear. Because of that he was going to get fired but the team , and their parents, went to a school board meeting to voice Not to fire him because they liked him so well. Plus the team was in the tops in the school district. So, what I'm saying is strength in numbers if the problem persists.  Let us know the outcome. 

[Matt]

You're right, there's no reason for the coach to be negative when she can use positive methods to get better results.

Yes, they do have a school board - charter schools are public schools - and if necessary I can contact the school board.

Before I would do that, I would talk with the principal, and I think that would work, at least kind of.

And yes, I think it would be pretty easy to talk to some other parents, and get them involved.

[Matt]

Let us know the outcome. 

It went really well.  The coach handled it much better than I expected.  I'm not sure D16 is 100% satisfied but I think it will work out.

I started by asking the coach to tell us her perceptions, and she did.  She said she sees D16 as "almost an upperclassman" (she's a sophomore) which I think meant that she sees D16 as somewhat of a leader on the team - though not a top athlete - and she expects her to be conscious of how she is influencing the other kids.

So when D16 comes to practice and has a bad day, and cries or is visibly upset, and the other girls gather and give her support, D16 thinks that's a good thing, but the coach sees it as a huge distraction.  D16 expresses her emotions very openly - highs and lows - and the coach loves the highs but doesn't want to see the lows.

She openly apologized and acknowledged she was wrong to call D16 out in front of the other kids, and I told her how sensitive I am to that issue because of the previous coach's behavior, and I think she got that.

D16 got to express herself too - she wants the coach to talk to her privately when there is a problem - and I think the coach heard that.  The coach made it clear she wants D16 on the team and she's going to work with her to make the situation better.

D16's mom showed up - a little late - and took part in a positive way - a slightly different perspective from mine but very valid and supportive of D16.

So I think this is part of D16's growing up, and finding that while it's healthy to express her emotions, it just won't be welcome everywhere and at every time.  She's smart and resilient and I think she will learn from it, and running will continue to be a positive thing for her.

I also hope she gets out of this the understanding that things can be talked out and people who mean well can figure things out together, without agreeing about everything.  Going to talk to the coach together was the right thing to do and produced pretty good results, because now everything is out on the table.  I think she'll learn to do that herself - without me present - but this time it worked best for us all to meet together.

[whirlpoollife]

I'm glad it worked out as well as it did. 

Its also a lesson for us parents/ex spouses on how to speak up in these situations.

I have had my voice suppressed for so many years it is taking practice.