Just reading "Understanding the Borderline Mother"

[Carter]

I am halfway through this book, I bought it for my daughter who has allready read it.

There is a lot of good info in it, but I'm ending up with some mixed feelings about it,

1. Honestly "fear" I realize that I have enabled behaviours for years now of my dBPD wife

and if there is a divorce no matter how much I might try to keep it civil I can all go to hell pretty quickly.

2. Relief, my 20 year old daughter is living with me and is doing very well in first year college, wife moved out

Dec.1 last year.

The four different personality types are interesting but it seems that at least with my wife, it mainly seems Waif then a dose of

Hermit or Queen then when challenged by circumstances the Witch.

Anyone else find that their SO more a mix of these traits?

[Clearmind]

Carter, triggers can have a variety of results.

My ex was 99% waif however he could rage on the occasion.

Are you working on reconciliation? Do you fear divorce/separation?

[Carter]

A week or two ago she said that I should "see" other women, but I suspect that that was just to cover her so

she would feel she could see other men. She wanted to move out so she could work on herself, and now she says she moved out because our daughter told her to.

The thing that I fear about divorce is the ugliness that can come out of it, compounded by the BPD issues.

Having been separated a couple of years ago, I know I'm OK with "me" alone, but I do worry about her and the path she seems to be going down,  but I realize also that that is part of the "rescuer" thinking.

Thanks for your reply

[doubleAries]

Hi Carter,

yes, and I believe Lawson does mention that these "types" overlap. I've read the book several times now (my mom is a witch). I especially like that Lawson gives realistic and practical advice in the end chapters. This book was life changing for me.

doubleAries

[Clearmind]

I am pleased you see it as rescuing because like you I did the same thing! Its hard to move away from the compulsion to rescue. Not our role and it actually does not help your partner if you do.

Any divorce is ugly and you would be right in thinking it can be further impacted if BPD is also involved. Have you spoken to a lawyer about your rights etc.? A plan - if that is what you decide to do? Talking to a lawyer may alleviate some of your concerns.

The legal board here can certainly support you too Carter - pop on over there and ask some questions about divorcing/separating and the best way to go about it.

[Carter]

The last time we separated I learned a bunch of stuff about the way divorce goes goes, and came away with the notion that it's just a numbers game, so try not to let emotions play a part.

Since my daughter is 20 I dont believe there is any custody issues, she wants nothing to do with her mom for the foreseeable future,

just a matter of dividing everything in half (I think).

[Clearmind]

I think you have it in hand Carter - Emotions V Facts! Always a good idea to stick to the Facts and let a lawyer handle communications.

Your wife will no doubt spin the emotional threads - however you are not responsible.