It takes a lot of courage to post this on the Staying board...

[Wanda]

hi

I think i would think about what steph said it will get worse due to you let it happen once. you need to set boundaries, wheather you leave or not. you need to set some type of consequences.

My husband got real bad many years ago. i had him leave due to it was unacceptable what he was doing. we had a THerapudic separation for one year.

when he came back he tried to get get out of control again i called 911. sometimes yes things get worse, but it's because you are taking back your life, not accepting certain things. sorry i am with steph... .  THink about it...  

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Steph]

Hitting somebody is not right in any circumstances.  H did something wrong and I have repeatedly told him nothing can make his actions reasonable.  I have expressed it to him and he agrees with it.  He volunteered that next time if he feels he's losing it he will leave then come back later.  Of course, this could be just talk but at least he volunteered that himself.  He never agreed to any time-outs before, for me or for him.

I have told him when we were calm and reiterated yesterday that I am happy to talk about things with him, I will listen, but I do not tolerate him raising his hand on me, or throwing things at me etc. 

At this moment, I can only take his word for it.  If I choose not to trust him I'd just leave.  I didn't tell him (I don't want to sound like I'm threatening him; I'd just do it) but if it ever happens a second time I'm leaving (not for good, but leaving to go to a member of the family and only come back to my home with her). 

In the past, he used to drink, and for a while he lost control (he claimed at that time he didn't).  In the period of about half a year he got drunk twice, with little memory of what happened (including doing potentially law-breaking things, screaming things at me like he's possessed, etc.).  After the second time he realised the severity of it, and he hasn't touched a drop of alcohol since.  What I'm saying is this could be like his drinking, or it could be different.  Nobody can tell at this moment but time will tell and at least I have a plan now.

Keep in mind that raging feels GOOD.

It releases tons of hormones and it makes the person feel powerful, on top of the world, invincible... and it feels GOOD.

So, he is very UNlikely to remove himself again when he gets to this place.

Like I said before, he will go it again.

He has hit more than once.

I mean the following question with the most sincerity... What causes you to be able to trust him?

What he is doing right now is very typical for the battered spouse syndrome... You get all the remorse and promises that it will never, ever happen again. You likely get some nice behavior.

We all know it does happen again.

I am also curious to know why you feel that its perfectly safe and ok to just let it go this time? Sure you told him it wasnt ok, but there were zero consequences. To a batterer, this means he got away with it, and worse, it tells him its ok.

  PLease do read up on domestic violence.

Battering can be a part of BPD, but people can batter and not have BPD. He could simply be a batterer or an alcoholic who acts out drinking or dry. In ANY case, its not ok that there are no consequences, because in every case, you are giving the ok to do it ok, in his mind.

Steph

[Rose Tiger]

When this happened in my past relationship, T said a line has been crossed and now it's easier to for the monster to get out.  It raises the bar.  She suggested that I press charges.  I didn't do that.  He blamed me because no one had ever made him that angry.  It was a very bad time.  He hated me for making him do that.  I was in shock.  I blamed me, too.  Somehow it was my fault things busted at the seams.  It was bound to happen no matter what I did or didn't do, the pressure that builds and builds, it comes out eventually.

The deal is you have to protect yourself and in a way, protect him, too.  You have to make the adult decision that keeps you safe and him out of prison.  You have to be the adult, the emotional care taker, the responsible one.  It's not fair but you are the only in the relationship capable to do it.  Talk is not trust worthy, it's actions that speak the loudest.  Time for some serious action, because you must keep yourself safe.

[elemental]

Thinking of you today and hoping you are processing and taking care of yourself.

[numenal]

Chosen, just telling him it was not okay is not okay. Please don't be over-worried about sounding threatening to someone who attacked you.

Since abuse and love do not mix--at all, not even a little--what you truly need to do is an action that shows him physically abusing you is intolerable.

How is it unacceptable if you are still there telling him you are into working things out? Something that would show him it is unacceptable is you leaving the premises and letting him know in no uncertain terms he is too dangerous for you to spend time around with until he understands that.

Chosen, don't think for a second that your being unsurprised about getting abused is not a giant red flag waving in your face. If you have normalized abuse against yourself, something is going terribly wrong in your self-preservation system. You are practically inviting "next time" by saying, yes, I have this plan, I will go to a family member's... .  next time.

Do not just prepare for next time. Make sure this time was the last time. Let this man know you are out of there until he understands that.

In order for there to be any chance of improvement, which you say you want, you need to level the field. Get leverage. Step back. Otherwise, you are definitely letting him know that what he did, no matter what you label it, was ok. And he'll step it up next time.

I'd talk to your T about WHY you aren't prompted to flee, why you only feel "disappointed" and not on serious alert. Physical abuse is not "disappointing." It's dangerous. Why put yourself in harm's way?