74Bug
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 6
|
 |
« on: February 04, 2013, 12:57:30 PM » |
|
Hello all,
I’m a newbie here. I’ve made a few posts and have told my story on the new member board. Another member suggested I make a post on the Staying board to get the insight of this community. I've already shared some of my story in previous posts, so forgive me if I repeat some things or if I’m too long-winded.
I fully believe my wife of 13 years has BPD. There have many, many signs over the years that I always blamed on myself (not being a good enough husband or father, not being sensitive enough, being a jerk, being too confrontational, not being intimate enough, being too intimate, and on and on). I also attributed many of our problems to her personality: opinionated, know it all, bossy, cranky, emotional, controlling, self-centered, blaming, easily angered, etc. However, I always attributed our differences to personality conflict, woman vs. man, or to her being hard-headed and myself being passive-aggressive.
There were red flags when we dated that (as I’ve read) are apparently typical BPD behavior. My divorce from a previous marriage of four years had become final a few months before I began dating my wife. This marriage was not happy and my first wife eventually decided she was a lesbian. Several of my friends told me to stay away from my second wife and that it was too early for me to get back in the game. But… she was such fun, so optimistic, such a joyous look in her eyes that I was swept up. Not only did I think she was saving me in a way because of my first marriage, but she always told me that I was everything she had always looked for in a relationship. I was fun, I was interesting, I was like her grandfather (who is always on a pedestal for her). But, there were things I should have questioned: The snide comments that would come out on nowhere, the overly-emotional breakdowns where I would have to sit with her for hours and console her, and the crying sprees over relatives that had died years before (and who I had never met), the need to spend every hour of time with me. Like I said, all red flags, but I always attributed these to her ‘just being emotional’.
After three years of dating, we eventually married. As seems to be typical, things then seems to start slowly going downhill. She seemed to be able to feel empathy for others and for people she barely knew, but could muster none for me and my problems. One of her favorite saying is to “buck it up little camper”. Needless to say, I’ve felt less and less comfortable in sharing my feelings with her over the years.
Arguments started to get worse and weirder. On a domestic level, I could do nothing to satisfy her. If I didn’t clean, I was in trouble. If she cleaned and I didn’t, I was in trouble. If I cleaned in a way that was different than hers, I was in trouble. However, I quickly noticed if I cleaned, it was optional if she joined in. Some of the arguments were very intense. Sometimes she would question my manhood and even scream at the top of her lungs “I hate you”. I have never had anyone tell me that. Again, many of these arguments would start over the dumbest things. Part of the blame for that certainly lies with me.
The bedroom also became something that was another argument starter. She never initiates intimacy. However, she never had a problem with this when we were dating. When I would ask her about this, she would get defensive. Also, I began to strike out quite a bit when I would initiate. There was always something wrong. Too tired, too angry (always my fault… it’s like she had never heard the phrase “make up sex”), too sick, too stressed, too sad… the list goes on and on. However, this changed briefly when we were trying to get pregnant. But… it didn’t take long for that to happen with either of our kids (8D and 4D).
I became resigned to the way some things were and always thought that ‘no marriage is perfect’. We both have kept stable jobs (well, as stable as can be expected) and we bought a better house about ten years ago. We live in a nice neighborhood and keep busy with kids activities and friends.
I was able to tolerate many of the bad things in our marriage before our kids were born because I was the only target. I don't know, maybe I just didn't expect much after my first marriage. But… I’ve never been comfortable with the arguing and the notion that 'if only people knew what goes on behind our closed doors'.
However, now that the kids are getting older, it seems as though things are getting much worse. My wife is always angry and complains about anything and everything on a constant basis. Her manner of dealing with the children is becoming confrontational. There have been many times when she's 'helping' our oldest with her homework and the yelling commences. By the time I realize matters have escalated, my daughter is crying and my wife says something like, "You deal with her... . I'm tired of it". I work with my kid for a few minutes, calm her down, and solve the problem. But... . it puts the entire house on edge. And... . I'm afraid my kids are beginning to think this is normal. This is what has pushed me to the point where I think she (and we) need help. I read the bpdfamily.com article titled ‘How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children’ and it scares me to death.
In fact, there are two little events that have happened in the past 24 hours. We had guests for the Super Bowl, including children. After they left, my wife didn’t like the condition of my daughter’s bedroom and basically blew up at her because of something that another kid had done. I tried to say that an eight year old can’t be held responsible for what another kid does, but that just about started an argument. This morning, our oldest thanked my wife for something and said “I love you”. My wife responded with a snotty “you better remember what I’ve done for you”.
Our youngest daughter is not a target, but that day will probably come. She is a lot more strong-willed than our first. I always ask my wife to be more patient because she’ll have to be when the girls hit their teen years. I can tell my words have no effect, though, because it’s always the same thing a few days later. My wife just does not like to be challenged in any way. And… the older a child gets, the more natural it is for them to be challenging.
If it were just me and my wife, I would have been gone a long time ago. But, as we all know, kids change everything. I’m torn between staying and leaving and trying to build a life where I can be welcoming to them and provide a shelter from the storm when the day comes. I’m also afraid my wife will get worse with age.
Have anyone been through a similar situation? What did you do? Is there hope? Can I do anything that will have a positive effect and still keep my sanity?
|
