How did this world get to be so mad?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

**As often happens when constructing posts on this forum, my entries become somewhat journalistic, and I often find solutions to my own problems just by writing. I'd just like to share what I've been dealing with, my thoughts and experiences. Thank you.**

Missing the excitement of my past relationship with my girlfriend of four years, possibly BPD.

Talked to her recently, and we had a very sweet, simple conversation. Our relationship seemed sweet and simple most times, until something bubbled up to the surface and burst through and would rip at us.

I don't miss her bouts of insanity, but I miss the sweetness and togetherness we managed.

After dating for about 3 years, we lived together for about a year, with a few manic episodes. The last one, the straw that broke the camel's back, was when she started fighting with me, as an outlet for her insecurities with her family, and turned to alcohol in the midst of a violent outburst. This totally shattered my trust in her, and my hope that she would develop her sense of composure and learn to not hurt me so bad.

Logically, I shouldn't be considering the relationship as a possibility at all. I've seen another girl twice now, and we're getting to know one another, and there is a possibility of developing a healthier relationship. But I still yearn for the intensity of my old relationship!

It's madness! It's total folly! But this part of me is really lusting for her, for an entirely different world defined by her, sex and laughter and playfulness.

I moved back in with my family, which is where this really all began, being talked to as if my response didn't matter, being neglected. Maybe this is why my feelings are flaring up like this.

My living situation needs to be temporary. I've been planning on road trip for this upcoming summer, but it's more of a voyage. I'm gonna head west and hope I can find some work and a decent community.

My family is so aloof, so impossible to converse with them about anything but money or responsibilities. They take no joy in life, are neither open nor opinionated, aren't engaged in developing themselves, are so lacking in values and curiosity I cannot help but to be distressed here.

Well, BPD family. You've done a lot for me. I may have still been in that destructive relationship if it wasn't for this board. I wouldn't have called the police those times she threatened to cut herself, or said that she wanted to end her life.

How did this world get to be so mad? That's all I'm really interested in now, finding some truth about what humans need to be happy, to function joyfully and to live a fulfilling life. What could be more important?

To be a living being, having been through the things I've been through, I am so unspeakably grateful for this poem by Mary Oliver:

The Journey

One day you finally knew

what you had to do, and began,

though the voices around you

kept shouting

their bad advice--

though the whole house

began to tremble

and you felt the old tug

at your ankles.

"Mend my life!"

each voice cried.

But you didn't stop.

You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried

with its stiff fingers

at the very foundations,

though their melancholy

was terrible.

It was already late

enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen

branches and stones.

But little by little,

as you left their voices behind,

the stars began to burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice

which you slowly

recognized as your own,

that kept you company

as you strode deeper and deeper

into the world,

determined to do

the only thing you could do--

determined to save

the only life you could save.

[thimble]

**As often happens when constructing posts on this forum, my entries become somewhat journalistic, and I often find solutions to my own problems just by writing. I'd just like to share what I've been dealing with, my thoughts and experiences. Thank you.**

Missing the excitement of my past relationship with my girlfriend of four years, possibly BPD.

Talked to her recently, and we had a very sweet, simple conversation. Our relationship seemed sweet and simple most times, until something bubbled up to the surface and burst through and would rip at us.

I don't miss her bouts of insanity, but I miss the sweetness and togetherness we managed.

After dating for about 3 years, we lived together for about a year, with a few manic episodes. The last one, the straw that broke the camel's back, was when she started fighting with me, as an outlet for her insecurities with her family, and turned to alcohol in the midst of a violent outburst. This totally shattered my trust in her, and my hope that she would develop her sense of composure and learn to not hurt me so bad.

Logically, I shouldn't be considering the relationship as a possibility at all. I've seen another girl twice now, and we're getting to know one another, and there is a possibility of developing a healthier relationship. But I still yearn for the intensity of my old relationship!

It's madness! It's total folly! But this part of me is really lusting for her, for an entirely different world defined by her, sex and laughter and playfulness.

I moved back in with my family, which is where this really all began, being talked to as if my response didn't matter, being neglected. Maybe this is why my feelings are flaring up like this.

My living situation needs to be temporary. I've been planning on road trip for this upcoming summer, but it's more of a voyage. I'm gonna head west and hope I can find some work and a decent community.

My family is so aloof, so impossible to converse with them about anything but money or responsibilities. They take no joy in life, are neither open nor opinionated, aren't engaged in developing themselves, are so lacking in values and curiosity I cannot help but to be distressed here.

Well, BPD family. You've done a lot for me. I may have still been in that destructive relationship if it wasn't for this board. I wouldn't have called the police those times she threatened to cut herself, or said that she wanted to end her life.

How did this world get to be so mad? That's all I'm really interested in now, finding some truth about what humans need to be happy, to function joyfully and to live a fulfilling life. What could be more important?

To be a living being, having been through the things I've been through, I am so unspeakably grateful for this poem by Mary Oliver:

The Journey

One day you finally knew

what you had to do, and began,

though the voices around you

kept shouting

their bad advice--

though the whole house

began to tremble

and you felt the old tug

at your ankles.

"Mend my life!"

each voice cried.

But you didn't stop.

You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried

with its stiff fingers

at the very foundations,

though their melancholy

was terrible.

It was already late

enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen

branches and stones.

But little by little,

as you left their voices behind,

the stars began to burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice

which you slowly

recognized as your own,

that kept you company

as you strode deeper and deeper

into the world,

determined to do

the only thing you could do--

determined to save

the only life you could save.

[DogDancer]

Great post. Beautiful poem, too.

I tend to post "long," too. I'm a trained writer, actually, journalism. So I totally get the processing out loud. I think most of us do it here to a degree, and it really does help.

You've helped me today, thimble. I have deceased dxBPD mother, which is why I'm here on the forum, as well as some current concerns about a niece who might be headed in that direction. However, I've had a couple relationships -- searing ones -- with people with personality disorders/bipolar, too. I'm growing and healing from all of it.

Thanks for thinking out loud for us. Knowing that we're not alone, that so many others have dealt with and are dealing with the same things... .  helps quiet those "voices around you" as Mary Oliver wrote, so that we can hear and increasingly focus on our own.

Peace and healing,

DogDancer

[waitaminute]

thimble,

if you found a store that sold pepsi but ... .  funny thing ... .  whenever you drank it you began to get all the ecstasy of a narcotic, would you just go back and drink more and more ... .  and more and ... .  

after all, its only pepsi

nope... hopefully you would recognize that something is wrong. Those bottles say pepsi but that's not what's in them. If you continue to drink, you will get addicted and suffer great loss.

likewise with people. You ought to be able to share their life and love em ... .  right? That's the pepsi. BPDs are people and you think that you can love them and drink in their wonderful presence ... .  because after all, they are people. But "someone" switched the contents between a normal person and this one that is intoxicatingly addictive. Drink at your own risk. Read the consequences here.

I'm almost 60. Been through alot. Somehow I managed to not have drugs, alcohol, risky behavior, normal women, or bad luck ruin my life... .  until I took a swig of BPD. It ain't pepsi.

[trouble11]

No it's NOT.  It's the Kool-Aid.   

[thimble]

I'm almost 60. Been through alot. Somehow I managed to not have drugs, alcohol, risky behavior, normal women, or bad luck ruin my life... .  until I took a swig of BPD. It ain't pepsi.

Well, after surviving a BPD relationship, it seems like we probably will have learned enough about taking care of ourselves that we'll be pretty well equipped to deal with other vices.

Thanks to anyone who read my rambling post - I think I just needed an outlet to try to process and understand my emotions.



Relationships shouldn't be addictive, huh?

You know, that makes sense, but I'm still so used to a relationship feeling like that.

[GreenMango]

There are so many good questions and thoughts in this thread.  I like reading when members elevated the discussion and ask themselves some of the harder questions.  It makes for interesting and insightful stuff.