Does anyone else long for a mother figure?

[Depression = 72% of members]

God, I always feel so silly and SELFISH and crazy for thinking it, but I LONG for a mother figure. In a lot of ways, when my Mom is on, she's a great Mother. But, when she's off... .  That sometimes is what sticks with you.

Anyway, there are some pretty awesome women in my life who do care about me and are honorary aunts and mentors, etc... .  But to have a mother... .  A healthy one.

I don't want to sound ungrateful. Or weird and stalkery. I just crave it.

[Caria]

God, I always feel so silly and SELFISH and crazy for thinking it, but I LONG for a mother figure. In a lot of ways, when my Mom is on, she's a great Mother. But, when she's off... .  That sometimes is what sticks with you.

Anyway, there are some pretty awesome women in my life who do care about me and are honorary aunts and mentors, etc... .  But to have a mother... .  A healthy one.

I don't want to sound ungrateful. Or weird and stalkery. I just crave it.

[DogDancer]

You're not alone. We almost all wish we could have a healthy parent or two of them! And I don't know that that will ever go away completely.

My dxBPD mother has been gone for many years; I'm still wishing I had the healed/healthy version of her that was never going to be. I am learning to heal, making great progress, and learning to mother myself. I, too, have made wonderful "big sister" type friends -- god love all those Boomer women in my life who are bawdy, funny, loving and do "mother" me more than my own ever did! I don't know what I'd do without all these older-than-me, strong female friends. BUT... .  they ain't a mom. We only get one.

Sorry you're feeling the lack and craving it. I know, I know, I know. Warm, healing hugs to all of us. 

Peace and continued healing,

DogDancer

[hopesprings]

All the time, every day.  It is especially hard trying to be the mother I never had.  I sure have enough examples of what not to do.  Life events just keep happening where I realize I don't have a mother.  Like when my son, her first grandchild, was born and she didn't want to be around.  When I run into a "mother figure" who actually acts like a healthy mother, it is such a shock. It is hard for me to believe that compassion is so natural for some moms.

[GeekyGirl]

It's not ungrateful to want a healthy and nurturing mother figure. I think just about everyone wants/needs a mother figure sometimes. 

It is especially hard trying to be the mother I never had.

It can be exhausting. Someone told me that I now have a second chance to have a healthy parent-child relationship, and that's stuck with me. It is hard work, but worth the effort. 

[Sofie]

I totally understand what you mean and I feel exactly the same way - being mothered and taken care of is my secret fantasy as well, and it is really shame-filled for me. As an otherwise accomplished and independent 34-year-old woman I guess I am embarrassed to have these "childish" feelings even though I understand intellectually that it comes from growing up with a NPD mom and always having had to cater to my own emotional needs.

While I feel I have made huge steps in my healing process in recent years, this is something that is still so difficult for me to deal with - it is as if I don't now how to get an "outlet" for these feelings in a way. I know that I will never have a healthy mother and that another person can't and shouldn't ever fill that role, but where do you go as an adult to get what you should have gotten as a child and which you still crave so badly?

[thespacebetween]

Yes, I understand how you feel .  My girls love the movie Tangled, the Disney Rapunzel movie? Well at the end after being saved from the 'witch' who raised her, she runs into the arms of her Mother , her real mother. I cry at that moment. It is the moment I wish I could have. I want that so so bad. I know I won't but my child inside longs for it. It is something I need to work on, because the saddness confuses and sometimes overwhelms me.   You are not alone. 

[isshebpd]

My MIL is more of a mother to me than my own mother.

I found this link, my Mom failed pretty badly on almost every step:

www.wikihow.com/Be-a-Good-Mother

She added some more fails by being pro-actively crazy.

[WrongWoman]

Even at 48, every time I see a post on facebook from one of my friends talking about what a great day she had with her mother, it stings a bit.  I don't think that particular longing ever goes away completely.

[Caria]

Yes, I understand how you feel .  My girls love the movie Tangled, the Disney Rapunzel movie? Well at the end after being saved from the 'witch' who raised her, she runs into the arms of her Mother , her real mother. I cry at that moment. It is the moment I wish I could have. I want that so so bad. I know I won't but my child inside longs for it. It is something I need to work on, because the saddness confuses and sometimes overwhelms me.   You are not alone. 

OMG! I watched this movie with my BPD Mother and we both laughed and enjoyed it thoroughly. We laughed at how ridiculous the evil mother was... .  Then it set in that we were laughing at ourselves. Especially since my mother wouldn't let me cut my hair when i was little and i recently whacked it off and when she saw it her response was, "What possessed you?" Um... .  Not you? But I do love my hair myself so her response wasn't really ridiculous. She knows I love it. But when I was little I had to EARN that haircut.

[asunder]

My parents divorced when I was 11.  My mother left (I saw her on weekends).  It absolutely devastated me.  I think something got broken, and it never got healed.  That's how I ended up with a BPD.

[DogDancer]

Hi asunder,

You said "something got broken, and it never healed." I think most of us know that feeling of something having broken... .  we've been there, or are there now, or are working on repairing it ourselves.

Are you working on healing now? It's not an easy journey, but you are here, and that is a great step in and of itself.     Do you have a therapist? I've intellectually understood the effect of the my (now deceased) dxBPDmother for years, but it wasn't until I entered therapy two years ago that I started to fully heal. I'm getting there. A therapist is a great idea for anyone working on healing, from loss and in regards to dealing with BPD loved ones, too.

I hope you'll keep posting here; this is a great place to learn, commiserate, get validated in your experiences and feelings with your BPD, figure out the right decisions/next steps, and... .  heal.

Peace and healing to us,

DogDancer

[DogDancer]

While I feel I have made huge steps in my healing process in recent years, this is something that is still so difficult for me to deal with - it is as if I don't now how to get an "outlet" for these feelings in a way. I know that I will never have a healthy mother and that another person can't and shouldn't ever fill that role, but where do you go as an adult to get what you should have gotten as a child and which you still crave so badly?

Sofie hi,

It's me, DogDancer. I think this is great question. I think it's a really *fantastic* idea to acknowledge feelings and needs; you *know* you're not going to get a healthy mother or ANOTHER mom. You're asking for some way to get some nurturing, motherly love and attention, not necessarily a mom. I've gotten some through cultivating friendships through older women.

But you know what... .  I also got much closer to an aunt (dad's side) who is older than my mom, and that helped me a lot. We're not as close now (she has dementia) and my career required a move away... .  but, that few-year period of closeness helped us both... .  very much so. She had just lost her husband, whom she'd dated and been with since age 16. In addition, she wasn't able to have children of her own, and adopted my cousins. She's always loved them both dearly, but her son had a learning disorder -- great guy, but not an intellectual match for my aunt. And sadly, her adopted daughter is pretty seriously bipolar; the daughter is okay, and has forged an okay life, and is actually quite a good mother to her own twins. But the daughter really was over-reliant on and draining of my aunt, and also no intellectual match.

So, my aunt and I quietly enjoyed some lovely adult niece and aunt bonding time and it was really quite healing for us both, I think.

Elderly neighbors -- even volunteering in senior housing complexes/nursing homes -- with seniors who are still mentally capable but not as able to get out as they were can be another great source of nurturing exchange. They have love to spare, and they are so grateful for company and visits!

Knowing what you need is a good thing! You can fill that need, then, in a healthy way. 

Peace and healing,

DogDancer

[asunder]

Hi asunder,

You said "something got broken, and it never healed." I think most of us know that feeling of something having broken... .  we've been there, or are there now, or are working on repairing it ourselves.

Are you working on healing now? It's not an easy journey, but you are here, and that is a great step in and of itself.     Do you have a therapist? I've intellectually understood the effect of the my (now deceased) dxBPDmother for years, but it wasn't until I entered therapy two years ago that I started to fully heal. I'm getting there. A therapist is a great idea for anyone working on healing, from loss and in regards to dealing with BPD loved ones, too.

I hope you'll keep posting here; this is a great place to learn, commiserate, get validated in your experiences and feelings with your BPD, figure out the right decisions/next steps, and... .  heal.

Peace and healing to us,

DogDancer

Thank you for asking.  No, I don't have a therapist as of now.  My mother is actually a therapist, so I've kind of become jaded by the profession.  (no disrespect to anyone that has had success with therapy is intended)  But I do have my faith in Jesus Christ.  I believe he is healing me.

Also, in just a day and a half of surfing this forum, it's been very therapeutic to me.  Truthfully, I've been so furious at my wBPD, I haven't really been able to get past the anger until now.  Anger, I think, is the ultimate masking emotion.  I really had no clue about BPD until yesterday, and it explains a lot.  Well, it explains everything.  When that anger gets stripped away, what's underneath it is scary intensely painful.  I have to be honest, for the first time since her affair started, I actually miss my BPDw.

[DogDancer]

You're welcome, asunder.

There are many paths to healing, of course. Faith is an important one for many people, and I'm glad it's helping you.

Keep reading, asunder, and keep posting. I'm glad you're seeing the benefit so soon. I felt the same way! However, I wasn't ready to start posting until I'd read for about a month, but I find that doing both now -- reading and seeing all the familiar patterns, over and over, and seeing others having the same emotions as I do, and seeing how everyone is coping and healing is so good. 

I've also gotten copies of several of the books that are mentioned throughout the boards/threads here, and in the New Members board, Resources thread. I've read two of them "Stop Walking on Eggshells," (there's a newer 2nd edition now) and also (useful for me with the dxBPD, although now deceased, mother) "Understanding the Borderline Mother," as well as an older one, the first, I think for laypeople written on BPD back in 1989, "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me." That one strikes me as a little bit dated, but still, it was an eyeopener, as all of these are - and incredibly useful.

I encourage you to read some of these materials; they will help you further understand, and gain the concepts and language used to describe and discuss all the patterns and behaviors, as well as *how* to interact with people w/ BPD when they are in our loves -- through choice, like when someone stays in a marriage or relationship or chooses to continue contact with a parent of family member with the disorder.

I hope you'll keep talking with us all here, asunder, as you figure out next steps.

Peace and healing to us all,

DogDancer 

[BiancaRose]

Sometimes I find myself longing for a maternal figure in my life. Usually I either turn to one of my 'surrogates' - a friend's mom, or my godmother, who despite being friends with my mom is somehow very normal and nurturing - or else I try to mother myself. I also find it very healing to act as a temporary mother figure for somebody else: playing with my nieces, babysitting, volunteering with kids. It helps other families grow stronger, gives other moms a break from a pretty exhausting full-time job, and gives me a sense of comfort that I have more to give than I was given and am not just going to repeat the cycle.

[mosaicbird]

Oddly (or perhaps not), no... .  At least, I don't experience any longing that I allow myself to feel, and I never allow people to nurture me - in fact, I tend to automatically reject tenderness and comfort. With the repeated emotional abandonments that occurred growing up with a BPD mother, I think I balled up tighter and tighter within myself and tried to become invulnerable. I'd stopped seeing her as someone to go to for comfort by the time I was 5, and relied on myself instead. Having anyone see me as vulnerable is excruciating.

On the other hand, I do find that I'm drawn to certain types of women that are her age - people that are emotionally open, generous, confident, and full of laughter... .  everything that she isn't. So perhaps I long for the camaraderie and friendship of an adult woman and mother type relationship, even if the needs of my child self were killed off long ago? 

[pink_heart44]

It's always bothered me. It seems like no one I know understands or even knows what BPD is. It always frustrates me when they say "But she's your mother". I've always felt that I never really had a mom growing up. My mother couldn't be bothered to be a mother.

And I'll admit, I am jealous of all the people in my life that have wonderful mothers who are there for them and make them feel loved and safe. I have tried to just let go of my desire for my mother to be a good mom. It isn't going to happen. My mother refuses to get any help (mostly because she fails to see there is an issue).

I, like yourself, have other women in my life that I have bonded with and have that kind of connection with. It's nice, but it's not the same.

You shouldn't feel like you're being selfish. What you long for is something that you should have. 

[DogDancer]

At least, I don't experience any longing that I allow myself to feel, and I never allow people to nurture me - in fact, I tend to automatically reject tenderness and comfort. With the repeated emotional abandonments that occurred growing up with a BPD mother, I think I balled up tighter and tighter within myself and tried to become invulnerable. I'd stopped seeing her as someone to go to for comfort by the time I was 5, and relied on myself instead. Having anyone see me as vulnerable is excruciating.

Mosaic, i was struck by your pattern. I was the same for so long. No help, no thank you! Don't need anything. However, I slid into a terrible depression - first serious one ever -- seven years ago, and I've been on an active healing and seeking path ever since. I'm still working on being truly vulnerable. I've gotten really SO much better at being vulnerable with friends and allowing them to nurture, and to some extent with colleagues. I'm SO much happier and more connected, and I feel they do love me for it. 

I'm still not there with men to whom I am attracted and also might have other feelings for (my sig other situation is a talk for a another time... .  ), and I've started to realize that that it *is* connected to my (now deceased) dxBPD mother for certain. I knew to some extent, and had processed some of it, but I didn't realize how deeply her rejection projections and resulting obsessions with my sexual development and relationships as I grew up had affected me. It's only been in the last couple months in therapy that I'm really digging that out. Wow! Some pretty surprisingly indepth emotions surrounding that have come out. So... .  work in progress.

I suspect your being drawn to women her age who are warm and confident and happy is a sign of the desire for nuturing that you won't allow yourself to have.   Any work with T? I have to say, the T journey has not been easy, but it's been SO worth it!

Peace and healing for us all,

DogDancer

[mosaicbird]

I suspect your being drawn to women her age who are warm and confident and happy is a sign of the desire for nuturing that you won't allow yourself to have.   Any work with T? I have to say, the T journey has not been easy, but it's been SO worth it!

No therapy in a while, and I wouldn't let them delve too deeply into FOO issues when I went. I'm considering going back now that I'm ready to address it, and have the desire to make changes. Even though I was very rejecting at the time, one did make an impact on me by saying, "It wasn't your fault. It wasn't normal. She emotionally abandoned you and made you be the parent. That ISN'T okay." Sometimes it just takes a long, long time for the message to fully sink in... .  

Even so, I wonder how one can embrace and integrate with that vulnerable self while still being able to cope with family members who are still living (my mother and grandmother), who rely on me to be the "strong, rational one" whenever my mother goes through another crisis.   Well, that's an issue for another thread.

[DogDancer]

Mosaicbird,

It can be done. It can. You're right, though, you have to be ready. And even when you start back into therapy and delve in deeply, it takes its *own* time. There's no rushing it.

It makes me happy that those phrases stuck with you: "It wasn't your fault. It wasn't normal. She emotionally abandoned you and made you be the parent. That ISN'T okay." Because this is TRUTH.

Whenever I express my gratitude in therapy, which I do feel despite all the pain, that it wasn't worse, even though I am well into the process of getting out just how bad it was, my T, who is kind with me, reminds me, gently but firmly, that the hidden abuse, the nonphysical kind, the emotional and mental abuse that does not leave visible scars can be the hardest to acknowledge. She does not want me at this juncture or at any point to minimize the price I paid, because to do so would not allow the full grieving and anger processing to happen, which means the full healing would not.

SO... .  I'm not done, mosaicbird, for certain, although I wish I were. HOWEVER... .  and yet... .  it's been so worth it. I *AM* doing it, and I do feel better.

There's this: I'd rather have the second half of my life (or however much time i have left) be richer and healthier and fuller and less anxious and more loving and freer and full of vulnerability and the ability to feel whole, to feel everything... .  than not to make this effort, than not to continue with therapy, than not to invest in myself, my wholeness. It's not that I am worth *more* than anyone, it's this, finally this, after all these years: How could anyone, or their stuff, be worth more than *me*? 

Or you. 

No one or any course of therapy will ever take away your strength or rationality. The amount of time you spend being vulnerable within it, and in learning to be the most tender with yourself, only adds to real strength at the core, where there is now an unhealed place... .  

Peace and healing to us, to all of us,

DogDancer

[mosaicbird]

Your words are very inspirational, DogDancer - thank you!

I am still at the stage where I diminish what happened and dismiss it with, "Other people had it worse. I'm weak and pathetic to have let things affect me to this extent. I should have been stronger." I was so determined to not be like my mother - to not let my emotions control my life as the expense of those dependent on me - that I came to see lack of emotion as strength, and never learned to regulate what I have. I am, frankly, terrified of my emotional self. Moving out of survival mode into living is daunting, to say the least.

I keep coming back to thoughts like, "But you don't see others who have suffered through this as weak, so why do you insist on seeing yourself that way? Are you so superhuman and above it all that you're somehow better than everyone else? NO! You're human, too, and you have to embrace that."

I'll get there, I think, even though there are many times that I would rather just continue on as I am until I die.