Sis with uBPD, worried about young niece

[PR Girl]

Newbie here. Came to the board after a massive blowout fight today with my uBPD sister. She was always erratic growing up and in her 20s, but BPD never entered the conversation until this year. She went through a lot - she had cancer, recovered, it came back, she recovered again. She was married to a man and in denial about being gay, finally came out this year at the age of 39 and after 7 years of marriage. Someone asked me if I knew what BPD was... .  I didn't, and I read Walking on Eggshells. It was like reading about my own life.

Now, in the midst of a messy divorce (how can it end well when you tell your husband you've been gay this whole time?), she's abusing drugs and has completed alienated our entire family. My mom and dad, her ex-husband (who is a stand up guy), and I have all been verbally berated, manipulated and even physically abused (she has tried to punch my bro-in-law). She thinks she is doing nothing wrong, that the world and all of us are against her.  Today, she told me that I have *never* cared about her or supported her, even after I reminded her of the times I literally held her hand during chemotherapy. She tells my parents and me that she never wants to see us again and often threatens suicide with us.

It hurts beyond words to have her doing this to me, when I have done nothing but love her. But even more than that, she has a wonderful 6-y-o daughter that I'm terrified for. I don't want her growing up with this as her mother. The chaos, the yelling, the verbal abuse. Not to mention that she's high half the time, and not capable of being a responsible parent. The thing is I live on the west coast, and they all live on the east coast, so I feel like there's very little I can do. Is there anything I can do to protect her?

[Suzn]

Hello PR girl 

Im so sorry you've gone through all of this with your sister.   her cancer diagnosis must have been scary for you and for her as well. BPD is a serious mental illness and stress is a big trigger for BPD behaviors. Going through a divorce is stressful for anyone, add in BPD and it can be devastating.

How are you coping? Do you have a support systemfor in place? You can be as supportive as you feel comfortable being at this time for her. It sounds as though she is lashing out and not taking this behavior personally will help, though we understand how hard this is to do.

You've come to the right place for support. There are many members here with family members with bod who understand what you're going through. Im glad you found us. Keep posting, it helps.

[MKG1015]

Hi PR Girl

First off let me say I am soo sorry you are dealing with this. I know how hard it is. My mother is BPD and my older brother is uBPD. My bro also has small children 5 and 7 and he too is a drug user b/c of the BPD. He is also married to woman who is a drug user so they feed off each other. I know you are worried about your niece, I am worried about mine and my nephew. The best advice I can give you may not be what you want to do: call child services. This is what we have done to my brother, several times. Unfortunately they have not taken the children but I am certain they will eventually. We tried getting them to give the kids up but they won't. The kids are their "golden ticket" for food stamps, emergency housing and even money from unsuspecting good Samaritans. They are homeless and living in a drug motel at this point so I completely understand your statement:

I don't want her growing up with this as her mother. The chaos, the yelling, the verbal abuse. Not to mention that she's high half the time, and not capable of being a responsible parent.

When he is not high his wife is and, i suspect, they are high together most of time.

I believe children services is the only way to go with my brother... .  it may be an option for you. However, you do need to think seriously about the implications of calling. What will you do when she figures out it was you? Are YOU willing to take your niece if it comes to that? All things to run in your head before you make the call.

I am far away from brother and mom so I understand the issues of dealing with this long distance. Hang in there you will make the right decision I'm sure.

[PR Girl]

Thank you both for your reply. I can't tell you how much it means to hear from other people in this situation. I do have a good support system in that I have a very supportive husband, and I have also sought counseling of my own. But it is very comforting to talk to others than are going through the same issues; it can feel like as much as I try to explain what is going on to friends/my husband, they can't really understand what it's like to have someone that you love treat you so terribly, and to watch them suffer knowing that you can't do anything to help them get better.

I had a long talk with my (former) bro-in-law today. Calling child services has been in the back of my mind, and I think I am finally ready to do it. As a starting point, I have decided to call my sister's primary physician to tell him about what has been going on. I've read that BPs are very good at hiding their behavior from people that aren't part of their immediate circle, and I think that's what's going on with her doctors. I'm not sure what, if anything, will come of this first step. I've been afraid to say anything to authorities, thinking that she would find out and accuse me further of abandoning her, but I think I am finally ready to speak out for my niece's sake.