Confused: Please Explain

[Depression = 72% of members]

I perceive a contradiction in the information on BPD I've been digesting over the past several months.  Just wondering if anyone can sort this out for me... .  

On the one hand, BPD is black and white thinking, everything in extremes, all good or all bad - no shades of grey.

On the other hand, I keep seeing statements to this effect in connection with the breakdown of BPD relationships: "The pwBPD wasn't experiencing the relationship as you were;" "They can't self-soothe, so negative emotions, bad feelings, frustrations, etc., accumulate until they can't handle them;" "They can't articulate their emotions;" "It's a slow boil."  Etc.

I'm having a hard time reconciling these two sets of traits.  For example, my r/s lasted 2.5 years.  During the 3 months before she split me black, *she* was asking for an engagement ring and we'd had some of the highest points of our relationship during this period of time.

It seems to me that, if they bottle their emotions, then despite (or even *because* of) the fact that they can't articulate and self-soothe, how could I still be whiter than bleach until the day I was split?

If they "aren't experiencing the relationship as we are," and little did we know that "frustrations and disappointments" were building up all the while, then this makes little sense to me.  Especially for a person with a disorder that makes regulating emotions and impulses nearly impossible, if my ex was constantly being disappointed over the course of our relationship, how and why can she maintain her idealization of me at a consistent level until, all of a sudden, she flips?

Yes, they don't think like we do - I know.  Yet let's pretend that I'm not BPD, but that I do seem to display a similar trait where I have much difficulty expressing my emotions and I tend to bottle things up.  Well, in a relationship, I would therefore not be communicating with my partner about these issues.  This is unhealthy, obviously.  However, in this hypothetical I believe that with each new frustration or disappointment that I "bottled up," I would start to resent my partner and this would gradually become more and more apparent in my behavior towards her.

Basically, I perceive a certain tension between "black/white thinking" and the "slow boil" concept.  It seems that a "slow boil" requires shades of grey by definition.  Thoughts?

[GustheDog]

I perceive a contradiction in the information on BPD I've been digesting over the past several months.  Just wondering if anyone can sort this out for me... .  

On the one hand, BPD is black and white thinking, everything in extremes, all good or all bad - no shades of grey.

On the other hand, I keep seeing statements to this effect in connection with the breakdown of BPD relationships: "The pwBPD wasn't experiencing the relationship as you were;" "They can't self-soothe, so negative emotions, bad feelings, frustrations, etc., accumulate until they can't handle them;" "They can't articulate their emotions;" "It's a slow boil."  Etc.

I'm having a hard time reconciling these two sets of traits.  For example, my r/s lasted 2.5 years.  During the 3 months before she split me black, *she* was asking for an engagement ring and we'd had some of the highest points of our relationship during this period of time.

It seems to me that, if they bottle their emotions, then despite (or even *because* of) the fact that they can't articulate and self-soothe, how could I still be whiter than bleach until the day I was split?

If they "aren't experiencing the relationship as we are," and little did we know that "frustrations and disappointments" were building up all the while, then this makes little sense to me.  Especially for a person with a disorder that makes regulating emotions and impulses nearly impossible, if my ex was constantly being disappointed over the course of our relationship, how and why can she maintain her idealization of me at a consistent level until, all of a sudden, she flips?

Yes, they don't think like we do - I know.  Yet let's pretend that I'm not BPD, but that I do seem to display a similar trait where I have much difficulty expressing my emotions and I tend to bottle things up.  Well, in a relationship, I would therefore not be communicating with my partner about these issues.  This is unhealthy, obviously.  However, in this hypothetical I believe that with each new frustration or disappointment that I "bottled up," I would start to resent my partner and this would gradually become more and more apparent in my behavior towards her.

Basically, I perceive a certain tension between "black/white thinking" and the "slow boil" concept.  It seems that a "slow boil" requires shades of grey by definition.  Thoughts?

[really]

Very good questions.   This does my head in too.   

[Clearmind]

Yes BPD is confusing and your post only confirms it!

BPD is not black and white! And not all Borderlines are the same.

I'm not so sure I understand Gus... .  I am still painted white in my ex's eyes and we separated 18 months ago! He initially blamed me for all in sundry and then about one week after we separated he blamed himself. While he blames himself he still cannot comprehend, understand or even articulate what went wrong in our relationship. His emotional development is stunted at about the age of 3. You cannot reason with a 3 year old and their thinking is black and white - they just have to have that candy in aisle 6 and they will scream til they get it!

Borderlines fear abandonment, engulfment and intimacy - all these are diametric from each other - which causes mixed emotions ---> Splitting/Black and White thinking AND poor coping skills.

As far as the term 'slow boil' - this in my opinion is referring to the "non's" perception - in that - many of us had no idea what on earth was happening in our relationships until it blew up in spectacular form --- herein lies the first step in healing - why we ignored those red flags.

I don't know if I answered your question Gus however your ex's reality is distorted - trying to understand her reality will send you around the twist.

Is there a reason you are needing to pull this apart?

[GustheDog]

Yes BPD is confusing and your post only confirms it!

BPD is not black and white! And not all Borderlines are the same.

I'm not so sure I understand Gus... .  I am still painted white in my ex's eyes and we separated 18 months ago! He initially blamed me for all in sundry and then about one week after we separated he blamed himself. While he blames himself he still cannot comprehend, understand or even articulate what went wrong in our relationship. His emotional development is stunted at about the age of 3. You cannot reason with a 3 year old and their thinking is black and white - they just have to have that candy in aisle 6 and they will scream til they get it!

Borderlines fear abandonment, engulfment and intimacy - all these are diametric from each other - which causes mixed emotions ---> Splitting/Black and White thinking AND poor coping skills.

As far as the term 'slow boil' - this in my opinion is referring to the "non's" perception - in that - many of us had no idea what on earth was happening in our relationships until it blew up in spectacular form --- herein lies the first step in healing - why we ignored those red flags.

I don't know if I answered your question Gus however your ex's reality is distorted - trying to understand her reality will send you around the twist.

Is there a reason you are needing to pull this apart?

Thanks for your response. 

Why do I need to pull it apart?  Because I'm a pedantic, perfectionistic, OCDish ball of anxiety who doesn't sleep until he's had his fill of minutiae, probably.

Joking aside, I find that internalizing the mechanics of the disorder really helps with detaching.  But I hit a roadblock when the information seems internally inconsistent. 

It just seems that I've hit on a lot of this "the pwBPD wasn't experiencing the relationship as you were" concept lately and it made me start thinking about this.  Things made perfect sense before, so I honestly think I might just discard this idea to salvage a coherent working hypothesis.

I'm sure she wasn't experiencing the relationship the same way I was - she has a mental illness that results in distorted thinking.  I guess that's good enough.

I actually think the Occam's Razor is understanding BPD as an attachment disorder driven by a persecution complex.  If the core of the disorder is understood as a compulsion first to attach, and later escape the attachment - this breathes more life into the individual symptoms.

I also dislike this idea that BPDs bottle their frustrations and disappointments with their partners because I think this leads to the mistaken idea that, had we only known they were just poor communicators, we could have done things differently and had a different outcome.  And I just don't think that's true.

I'm sure they are poor communicators, and that they lack the tools to self-soothe and regulate their emotions.  And that's an unfortunate result of their arrested development, sure.  But I *don't* think it's appropriate to conclude that these poor coping skills are why we're all eventually painted black (even if we're painted white again at some point).  I see the underdeveloped coping behaviors as exacerbating the high levels of conflict in the relationship, sure, but not as the cause of the splitting and fleeing in and of themselves.

Just my $.02.

[Clearmind]

I actually think the Occam's Razor is understanding BPD as an attachment disorder driven by a persecution complex.  If the core of the disorder is understood as a compulsion first to attach, and later escape the attachment - this breathes more life into the individual symptoms.

Yes and also fear, shame and self loathing.

I'm sure they are poor communicators, and that they lack the tools to self-soothe and regulate their emotions.  And that's an unfortunate result of their arrested development, sure.  But I *don't* think it's appropriate to conclude that these poor coping skills are why we're all eventually painted black (even if we're painted white again at some point).  I see the underdeveloped coping behaviors as exacerbating the high levels of conflict in the relationship, sure, but not as the cause of the splitting and fleeing in and of themselves.

It’s not about being a poor communicator – its ingrained/hard wired thinking that leads to all manor of maladaptive coping skills – learnt behavior from childhood trauma and/or child sex abuse. Communication is learnt, relationship skills are learnt, coping skills are learnt.

You are the trigger!  Google: “five faces of a borderline” – BPD is not simple to understand and if you want to get in early childhood development – look up separation- individuation phase and BPD.

[KellyO]

I have hard time in getting to the core of BPD, even when I have seen it in action. Those times he dumped me, it was times when we were going to do serious commitment, one way or other. Living together was the last straw for him, and it sure made me to loose my mind.

So, about the childhood: My ex was 3 years old when he was taken away from his alcoholic parents. Only thing he remembers about his mom is that she threw him down the stairs. So, isn't that a perfect age to get possibility for  BPD? He was in children's home 'till age of 8 and then to foster parents who adopted him. Now, when he is adult he is not only an alcoholic (been sober for years), he is a person with untreated ADHD (now diagnosed and medicated)  and panic attacks (he kept them in control with mindfullness, and it worked well). And then you have to manage a personality disorder on top of that? I really feel sorry for him, because he tries to manage best he can, and he tries hard. It would be too much for him to see there is even more going on, best to blame others and be a professional victim.

[almost789]

This is indeed very confusion and hard to make sense of. I too need to try to understand the dynamics of WHY BPD people act like they do. It's just the way I am. I can't move forward without some understanding. I know their logic is not logical and I don't try to make it that way. Just want to understand why. It's my belief they are experiencing the relationship the same way we are in the begining. Once they split us, they do not see us the same way they did before, thus the black and white thinking. We nons can still see the "good" in them. While they can't see that anymore all they see is the bad now. I do think some BPD's have a bit of grey thinking, but very little. Depends on the level of seriousness of their disorder. Mine chipped away little by little things that I bothered him with. Like catching him in lies a few times, with him still seeing me as white... .  until finally he had enough of me seeing his truth... .  before he finally split me.

[freshlySane]

MY experience with my particular pwBPD is in a sense the same and different my exBPDgf I think wanted to see me as white but couldn't. Like i have learned i became her trigger. I think she felt bad for me but in the same sense loath me because I wasn't what she expected me to be. She couldn't communicate unless it was about her feelings when it came to mine she would just right me off as being too sensitive or over critical but i walked on eggshells triyng to please her issues. She is insensitve hypocritical and childish but if i ever made a comment to her issues i was being abusive to her. There is no duality no give and take.

Example she told me i wasn't romantic enough i explained how romance for me was and she said our ideas of romance are different and we can not judge romance based on our own ideas. She was right but in the same way she was wrong. You accept the love you get but you also express the love you want. She knew i would do anything for her but she complained because i didn't do what she deemed was romantic and i felt all my efforts to show her romance was in vain so i said to her you are ungrateful to me because i do a lot for you and you can not see it. If it is not your way its not any way. She got mad threw the bear i got her when we just came back from build a bear and stormed off in public. Know that is a conversation where she could express her feelings and accept and acknowledge mine as well she could not see my point when i was trying to see hers Give and take all the while she was talking to another man and she still showed me love in a sense doing little nice things. When i got fired she preceded to tell me she found another and how she has been resenting me for months.

So its not clear thinking they are mixed up and the relationship follows their thinking

[benny2]

I was only painted black when I would confront him about his lying and cheating. He would pretend, as I call it, that everything was fine until I confronted him. I always did it in a calm manner but it did not matter. He would go balistic and start raving like a 10 year old and paint me black. Silence and very little communication sometimes for weeks.

[MaybeSo]

Intimacy is the trigger.

My ex bullied me out of our shared home, after having our most stable two years living together. It came mostly out of the blue... .  though I knew one of his moody times was brewing... .  I had no idea he was going to completely flip a switch and impulsively end a 5 year r/s and partnership.

He could not articulate why he was doing what he was doing. He didn't know why he felt compelled To jettison a significant relationship so suddenly. He tried to offer explanations... .  ilogical word salad. This was after 6 years of therapy. The one thing he said that was a clue, was that being with me makes his life disorganized and cluttered... .  he said this while we sat in out clean, well appointed home. The disorganization was inside him; the best he could do was externalize it... .  "you make my life disorganized and cluttered." The feeling gets assigned externally, and the feeling seems factual to them. It's a horrendous misfire; I sometimes consider BPD a type of emotionally epilepsy... .  and he was having a seizure.

[SarahinMA]

I agree that intimacy is a trigger- and a fear of abandonment, which, from what I've gathered, is the core of BPD. If they even suspect that you are going to abandon them, they will search for another source.  I decided not to go on a trip with my ex- I had family coming into town and I figured he could use some quality time with his own family.  That's when things changed.  He stopped responding to my phone calls, devalued me over texts, etc. etc.  He was painting me black... .  then he abruptly ended it.  He also admitted to ALWAYS telling me what I wanted to hear.  His devaluing was like a volcano erupting- his frustrations and being "forced" to do things he didn't want to do in the relationship.  Things he always told me he liked doing.  He was trying to blame everything on me.  All this was completely out of the blue.

Now, when I see him out, he looks at me like I'm worthless to him- after dating for two years, telling me he loved me every day, meeting his family numerous times, picking out houses together, etc. etc.  He's now completely attached to someone else- they live together and work together.   

[freshlySane]

I was only painted black when I would confront him about his lying and cheating. He would pretend, as I call it, that everything was fine until I confronted him. I always did it in a calm manner but it did not matter. He would go balistic and start raving like a 10 year old and paint me black. Silence and very little communication sometimes for weeks.

They can not take responsibility for there actions I saw on my exs digital camera a picture of her ex she told me "oh i ran into her and i took a picture in order to show my friend because i was shock to see her"

When i packed up my stuff to leave she started you go you leave  im sick of you you cheated on me all this nasty stuff

It seems like they are manipulative and clever and knowing of what they do but unfortunately its not like that they cant say " i m sorry i  did cheat on you or i was doing things behind your back lets take please forgive me" they need to project and blame if it wasn't for you i would not of done it ... .  dont get me wrong some can apologize and take some responsibility but some how they can distort facts.

[redfeather]

 "The pwBPD wasn't experiencing the relationship as you were;"

Here is my take on the above statement. My pwBPD has a method when finding new supply/lovers/someone to stop her extreme emotional pain. In the idealization phase she was fast becoming me which was real creepy and I sort of knew that couldnt last. I mean I was the smartest, funniest, sexiest,most interesting woman she had ever encountered according to her.

This is how she ingratiated herself into my life at the time but there was a worm in the apple. Because as the others point out she could not handle true intimacy made her feel engulfed. So in the end she had to demonize or paint me black to move onto her next savior(s)... .  

My point being she was experiencing me at the time as her "savior" from the pain she is always in... So in essence I was made superhuman in the role of savior and that is how she was experiencing me... I on the other hand was experiencing her as someone who finally took the time to get to know me for me.

Which given my FOO issues is a very powerful aphrodisiac.

I mean someone who understood me the holy grail of my existence! And she at the other end of emotional spectrum was thinking "oh my goodness" someone who can take this hideous loneliness away this feeling of not being complete.

So no we weren't experiencing the relationship the same way... not even close. I mean I am incredibly independent and the way she "talked" she was too... imagine my surprise when she began texting me 80-100 times PER DAY! Or the the time I called her back after receiving 20 voicemails each one decidedly more desperate than the  previous accusing me of sleeping with anyone we both knew( male or female) and come to find out it was my baby sister whom I had called to wish Happy Birthday to!

I could go on and on but I hope I made sense. In the end I knew something was wrong and just walked away... .  

[gina louise]

MaybeSo

I can totally relate to the emotional seizure part of your post. I experienced the exact same thing with my uBPD (w/NPD traits)H.

I have epilepsy too-and  yes it makes sense-when you are gripped by a seizure it's well beyond any control, and it's violent and ugly, and when it's over-it's over.

I too was bullied/raged out of our home in the worst way-and with no explanation other than "I need to be NOT married"-like anything/everything about US at that point was too much for him.

and when he was done raging, it was an eerie calm.

within a few days of my hastily planned departure he filed for divorce and listed our home for sale.

wham, bam, done.

he claims he's getting his life back, now.

me too.

gl

[just me.]

Gus,

You raise an excellent question.  I always enjoy reading your posts, as they are so articulate, honest, and thoughtful.

From my own personal experience, I have what I consider to be a possible explanation to the contradiction you point out (no shades of grey vs. an accumulating boil):

I feel as though a non-BPD over time accumulates experiences and impressions that range from good to bad and include everything in between.  These basically stay in place, and accumulate over time to form a mosaic that from a distance will look like a shade of grey.

My wife also accumulated experiences and impressions over time, but I feel as though each and every one was like a coin that was black on one side and white on the other (so actually like an Othello piece).  She collected these pieces, and she was able to flip them over to turn the whole board black or turn the whole board white depending on the day.  One day, me choosing a stressful career path to properly support the family while she stayed home with the kids was viewed as me being "heroic"... .  and the next day, me choosing an "ambitious" career path while she stayed home with the kids was viewed as "unbelievably selfish".  It could be either one.  Every single thing I had ever done was either unbelievably amazing, or amazingly awful.  It was never in between... .  but it went back and forth a lot.

I feel like the slow boil comes from just accumulating enough of these pieces so that when they all turn black, the whole board is filled up and the game is over.  Yesterday she believed I had done 99 incredible things to save her life, but today she now instead has 100 examples of how I destroyed her.  And 100, apparently, is just too many.

Gosh... .  have you ever played Othello?  Now I'm wondering if the maker of that game was detaching from a relationship with a pwBPD.

[hithere]

I'm having a hard time reconciling these two sets of traits.  For example, my r/s lasted 2.5 years.  During the 3 months before she split me black, *she* was asking for an engagement ring and we'd had some of the highest points of our relationship during this period of time.

It seems to me that, if they bottle their emotions, then despite (or even *because* of) the fact that they can't articulate and self-soothe, how could I still be whiter than bleach until the day I was split?

This is one possibility (mentioned above)

not all Borderlines are the same.

Since they are experiencing a much different reality, we don't really know what they are/were thinking.  The whole basis for BPD issues is an oxymoron, they fear abandonment so they push you away.

It could also be that she could sense the end of the relationship (maybe only in her mind), so she fought against it and tried desperately to fix it.

I think we need to remember to take much of what we read on these boards with a few grains of salt.  Many people posting here are simply hurt badly from a relationship and looking to blame something (BPD) or they are the person with BPD and in denial.

[Newton]

Gus reading the words "occams razor" in your post implies you are a fellow philosopher... .  is my hunch correct?

Attempting to rationalize their motives and behaviour will satisfy our intrigue... .  to a point.

Then comes the part that deductive, logical folks can't buy in to... .  pure raw emotion.

It seems to me that this is the part you are struggling to grasp... .  that is perfectly understandable as you don't have BPD.

There are some things we cannot comprehend, that doesn't mean they aren't real, for some.

Radical acceptance is the mechanism to embrace this... .  and move forward 

[MaybeSo]

I have epilepsy too-and  yes it makes sense-when you are gripped by a seizure it's well beyond any control, and it's violent and ugly, and when it's over-it's over.

GL, wow, my daughter has epilepsey... .  she goes into seizure... .  and we stand around horrified because she looks like she is dying, and it kills me,  especially in the beginning before her doctors educated us... .  feeling completely helpless and scared to do anything about it.  The only other time I felt so helpless and scared was watching my ex morph into some other person when dysregulated.  I had to use some of the same coping skills learned on Staying Board with my ex... .  to calm myself during my duaghter's seizures... .  and remind myself... .  this too shall pass, this will stop... .  stay calm.  And, like my ex, she can't begin to explain why or what she was doing during a seizure, and she cannot control them except if she is very rigidly compliant at all times with her meds... .  she is unconcious and unaware while it's happening... .  it's the loved ones looking on that are frantic.   When it's over... .  it's over.  Takes her an hour to get her full memory back and get adjusted... .  but then, for her,  it's like nothing ever happened, but I sometimes have flash backs from witnessing her having horrible seizures.  It's so hard to feel so helpless with a loved one, and to see a loved one so perfectly fine one minute, and then see something go so terribly awry so fast.

[Newton]

My word MaybeSo... .  your post touched base with me... .  isn't that the essence of what people on the "staying" board are trying to perfect?... .  caring, understanding... .  yet being emotionally detached enough to not take too much on board?... .  

I just don't have that skill set right now... .  

[GustheDog]

Gus reading the words "occams razor" in your post implies you are a fellow philosopher... .  is my hunch correct?

Attempting to rationalize their motives and behaviour will satisfy our intrigue... .  to a point.

Then comes the part that deductive, logical folks can't buy in to... .  pure raw emotion.

It seems to me that this is the part you are struggling to grasp... .  that is perfectly understandable as you don't have BPD.

There are some things we cannot comprehend, that doesn't mean they aren't real, for some.

Radical acceptance is the mechanism to embrace this... .  and move forward 

Yes, I had an undergraduate major in philosophy.  For a long time, I'd planned to pursue an academic career in this area.  I became a lawyer instead, justified loosely on Aristotelian grounds.

Pure pathos, not animated by, or considered in view of, some broader ethos and logos, is incomprehensible and unpersuasive to me.  Thus, perhaps, my struggle.

Even where I may experience an emotional impulse for no discernible reason, I will not permit this emotion to influence my behavior without exploring other considerations.  Some decisions are made in accordance with the emotional impulse.  Others are made in contravention of it.  It is but one factor in any decision-making process.  The weight an emotional impulse should be afforded is colored by the circumstances at hand, and should rarely be dispositive in isolation.

I like to believe that, even if I were a far more emotional person than I am, I would still be able to make decisions that did not surrender to such emotions (where appropriate) because I understand that more is to be gained by following another course.

But implicit in such an evaluation is the ability to trust one's judgment, and therefore one's self.  BPDs are not capable of this, I suppose, as they have no self.  They may also lack the cognitive skills to even undertake this sort of analysis, although this gets me stuck as well.  It seems that experiencing an emotion and making a determination about whether to act on it are two distinct exercises - one involuntary and the other intellectual.  Knowing that many BPDs are quite gifted intellectually makes this confusing.

It's not that I don't understand radical acceptance.  I do, and I think I'm nearly there.  But I don't see this as any reason to stop studying and discussing a subject that continues to interest and perplex me.  Many of my posts are more about satisfying my own curiosity rather than resolving my pain.  I hope that's okay.

[almost789]

Gustehdog:

"It's not that I don't understand radical acceptance.  I do, and I think I'm nearly there.  But I don't see this as any reason to stop studying and discussing a subject that continues to interest and perplex me.  Many of my posts are more about satisfying my own curiosity rather than resolving my pain.  I hope that's okay."


Thank you for explaining my position on this as well. I have radically accepted my pwBPD has a mental disorder and is incapable of dealing normally in a relationship with me. Nonetheless, I still like to study and understand this disorder. And it's frustrating to have people constantly try to stop you from being curious about the subject! I feel as if you don't want to understand fine, but don't force that position on me!

Just me : I agree with you on the analogy of the boards and pieces. I think my board just finally got too many pieces and the switch flipped.

[GustheDog]

Gus,

You raise an excellent question.  I always enjoy reading your posts, as they are so articulate, honest, and thoughtful.

From my own personal experience, I have what I consider to be a possible explanation to the contradiction you point out (no shades of grey vs. an accumulating boil):

I feel as though a non-BPD over time accumulates experiences and impressions that range from good to bad and include everything in between.  These basically stay in place, and accumulate over time to form a mosaic that from a distance will look like a shade of grey.

My wife also accumulated experiences and impressions over time, but I feel as though each and every one was like a coin that was black on one side and white on the other (so actually like an Othello piece).  She collected these pieces, and she was able to flip them over to turn the whole board black or turn the whole board white depending on the day.  One day, me choosing a stressful career path to properly support the family while she stayed home with the kids was viewed as me being "heroic"... .  and the next day, me choosing an "ambitious" career path while she stayed home with the kids was viewed as "unbelievably selfish".  It could be either one.  Every single thing I had ever done was either unbelievably amazing, or amazingly awful.  It was never in between... .  but it went back and forth a lot.

I feel like the slow boil comes from just accumulating enough of these pieces so that when they all turn black, the whole board is filled up and the game is over.  Yesterday she believed I had done 99 incredible things to save her life, but today she now instead has 100 examples of how I destroyed her.  And 100, apparently, is just too many.

Gosh... .  have you ever played Othello?  Now I'm wondering if the maker of that game was detaching from a relationship with a pwBPD.

Why, thank you!  Being articulate, honest, and thoughtful are good descriptors for the person I try to be.  They also result in the vulnerable narcissism that made me susceptible to a BPD in the first place.  The next step is tackling this, at least for me.

And your proposed explanation is very cogent, and I think unpacks well this idea.  I also identify with the anecdote regarding your career.  Similarly, my professional successes were at first a cause for celebration, excitement for the future, and inspired feelings of admiration and respect in my ex.  Later, I represented "the man," wouldn't be around enough to tend to her every whimsical need, etc. - just another ___hole in a suit who mistreats his partner/wife.

It's funny, though, I'm so much better off - in myriad ways, but certainly also financially.  My ex had a sense of entitlement the depths of which I'd never before seen, and I've met some pretty entitled trust-fund babies.  

I suspect she's currently in the middle of a particular internal crisis that is related to this.  Her father is extremely wealthy, and he has spoiled her accordingly (he's her biggest enabler).  She attended a prestigious boarding school, at $40k/yr tuition, that is located two miles from her parents' house.  This is high school, remember.  She also attended elite, very expensive universities for both her undergraduate and graduate degrees.  If she's not shopping at Nordstrom's, well, then she's not "shopping."   She drives a new Audi, takes international vacations, and does all of the above with daddy's credit card.  

She's in the public sector, without a very high ceiling on potential earnings - certainly not enough to support her preferred lifestyle in any way.  Currently her father funnels some supplemental income her way each month (like $2000 worth).  All of these perks are nearing their end, however, because her dad's 72 and his business has filed for bankruptcy (nothing shady - just a casualty of the recession).  

In the end, she felt similarly towards both me and her father.  We both supported her in many ways, but she has a "thing" about financially-successful men.  She relies on them, but she resents them as well - not only for such dependence, but also because she fancies herself a "social-justice advocate."  Nothing wrong with this at all, but (a) my occupation doesn't automatically mean I espouse Ron Paul's political ideology, and (b) take a look at her own rampant materialism!

I'm glad to be out.  There would be no good in a future with this person - for me, anyway.

I've never played (or heard of) the game Othello.  I'll check it out.

[cookiecrumbled]

Intimacy is the trigger.

My ex bullied me out of our shared home, after having our most stable two years living together. It came mostly out of the blue... .  though I knew one of his moody times was brewing... .  I had no idea he was going to completely flip a switch and impulsively end a 5 year r/s and partnership.

He could not articulate why he was doing what he was doing. He didn't know why he felt compelled To jettison a significant relationship so suddenly. He tried to offer explanations... .  ilogical word salad. This was after 6 years of therapy. The one thing he said that was a clue, was that being with me makes his life disorganized and cluttered... .  he said this while we sat in out clean, well appointed home. The disorganization was inside him; the best he could do was externalize it... .  "you make my life disorganized and cluttered." The feeling gets assigned externally, and the feeling seems factual to them. It's a horrendous misfire; I sometimes consider BPD a type of emotionally epilepsy... .  and he was having a seizure.

Wow, MaybeSo.  Wow.  Great post.