I feel so identified with this! Thanks for reactivating this topic
.
If I look back, my hermit Mum has always started her "rows" in every important exam period I had. Her behavior towards my education success is so strange, and this is my conclusion:
On one hand she is so proud of every success I had
where she is included like how I started reading before other kids at school, so it was obvious to the rest of the world it was because she taught me.
She was
reluctant with my own ideas or initiatives about my education: she made me learn English at home, with books and tapes, she considerates it her success. When I told her I felt it wasn't enough, that I wanted to go to lessons she wasn't happy. I ended up going to lessons but it was weird for me as other kids wanted to "not to go to lessons" instead of asking for lessons.
She always said it was a waste of money but the truth is that she bought me lots of presents and clothes, so I didn't understand why she wouldn't rearrange those expenses. I mean, how many kids would ask for English lessons as a birthday present?
When I was in high school she suggested my teacher that instead of going to University I could do one of the “after high school courses”, in my country this is like a course with a level in between high school and University. My teacher was shock, as I was the best in the class; I even got an award and didn’t have to pay for first year of University. Guess what, my Mum didn’t go to Uni she did one of those courses. For me it was like humiliation after my hard work, but she justifies it saying that “it’s because with this courses you have more possibilities to find a job”.
What annoys me the most is that the rest of the world thinks she always supported me in my education. She did support me when it made her feel good! They don’t know in every exam period she transformed into a crazy person, what a coincidence! When one day I asked help to my Dad with homework instead of her (and it was because he is an Accountant and the homework was about accountancy) the rows lasted for the whole exam period.
At the moment I am studying my specialization after my degree and I feel my mother is happy because she thinks I won’t pass the exams. She never believed that I could do great things even tho I had the top marks at Uni: "You should be happy to have a normal job with a normal salary" This unfortunately conditionated my decisions.
This specialization takes about 5 years in average, and it is necessary to pass three exams. Last year I passed the first one and I was on the 10th position from 2000 participants, number 10 of my country. For my it’s a big deal, for my Dad and my boyfriend it was, my Mum said “you are losing your time you should be studying already for the second exam” –it was meant to be a joke- then she spent the rest of the evening in her room without talking saying she was feeling down.
I mention the last example although I have soo many, it happened yesterday and it is related to the topic above.
At home with my parents. I was in a break of studying talking to my Dad about how great it would be to have a job position abroad once I pass the exams (this is because you normally get a position in the country but there are positions abroad too and it’s not that difficult to get them). She wasn’t in the conversation but of course she listens to everything my Dad and I talk. She shouted aloud it came from her heart “that’s impossible!”, I looked at her and then she added when realizing what she had said…”I mean it is difficult but you will achieve it” .
Now I am studying for the other two exams and it is so hard with all these things in my mind since I discovered BPD.
Anyone with similar experiences? They would help me in the worst exam period I am having…
Lots of hugs! I send all my support for those dealing with these issues in the worst professional or personal moment!
