Choosing Relationships that are right for me - why don't I?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Before I met my pwBPD, I had a history of dating funny, attractive, and outgoing men who still weren't quite right for me. Peter Pan types. So ultimately, the realtionship would end, not because of much fighting or daily incompatibility, but being on a different track in life. I'm ready to settle down, and I somehow kept finding those that after a year of playing along decided they weren't. I'm still trying to figure out if there is something with me that pushed them away (I've asked, they say no other than me being ready and them not) or if I just tend to want my future to be here so bad that I don't break things off early when I get that gut feeling that it’s not going to work.

I was spending time with one of these going nowhere exes (a great guy, just didn't want to grow up) when I met my current dBPDbf. He seemed different. He was a friend of a friend, he had a great job, he was a little less outgoing, and after a few dates he seemed to be on the same path that I was. Want the same things that I did. He was looking for "the one" ready to settle down. And then the borderline relationship evolved. But I saw s early on and I ignored them. Maybe I didn't ignore them, but I played the game and danced the dance. I was walking on eggshells even though I knew that the punishment didn't fit the crime. Why didn't I get out then? FOG i guess, but why don't I get out now. I've come so far, and so has he I guess, but neither one of us are really happy and we are still so young and we have no kids. We are held together by a mortgage. I really think if we didn't have this house we both would have been long gone. What kind of a relationship is that?

I am a successful, smart, loving and kind person, but some of that seems to be fading in this relationship. Why do I stay? Something is still missing. I’m not afraid of being alone, I take care of myself just fine.  I just want to be happy and start a family, and I think I keep waiting for him to change. Keep thinking he could still be the one. And then BPD rears its ugly face, tells me to shut up and that he should just find someone else who really cares. Most of the time I think, I wish you would. That would make this a lot easier.

Do I need to examine my self-worth or am I confusing that with the nasties of BPD? 

[Peace4ME]

Before I met my pwBPD, I had a history of dating funny, attractive, and outgoing men who still weren't quite right for me. Peter Pan types. So ultimately, the realtionship would end, not because of much fighting or daily incompatibility, but being on a different track in life. I'm ready to settle down, and I somehow kept finding those that after a year of playing along decided they weren't. I'm still trying to figure out if there is something with me that pushed them away (I've asked, they say no other than me being ready and them not) or if I just tend to want my future to be here so bad that I don't break things off early when I get that gut feeling that it’s not going to work.

I was spending time with one of these going nowhere exes (a great guy, just didn't want to grow up) when I met my current dBPDbf. He seemed different. He was a friend of a friend, he had a great job, he was a little less outgoing, and after a few dates he seemed to be on the same path that I was. Want the same things that I did. He was looking for "the one" ready to settle down. And then the borderline relationship evolved. But I saw s early on and I ignored them. Maybe I didn't ignore them, but I played the game and danced the dance. I was walking on eggshells even though I knew that the punishment didn't fit the crime. Why didn't I get out then? FOG i guess, but why don't I get out now. I've come so far, and so has he I guess, but neither one of us are really happy and we are still so young and we have no kids. We are held together by a mortgage. I really think if we didn't have this house we both would have been long gone. What kind of a relationship is that?

I am a successful, smart, loving and kind person, but some of that seems to be fading in this relationship. Why do I stay? Something is still missing. I’m not afraid of being alone, I take care of myself just fine.  I just want to be happy and start a family, and I think I keep waiting for him to change. Keep thinking he could still be the one. And then BPD rears its ugly face, tells me to shut up and that he should just find someone else who really cares. Most of the time I think, I wish you would. That would make this a lot easier.

Do I need to examine my self-worth or am I confusing that with the nasties of BPD? 

[livednlearned]

Do I need to examine my self-worth or am I confusing that with the nasties of BPD?  

I'm not sure if I totally understand the question, but I'll take a shot.

The work that I've done in the past few years taught me that I treated self-worth and independence rather superficially. Therapy made me realize that I was using achievements and other constructs to make myself feel secure and worthy. When it came to relationships, tho, there were big gaps between what was real, and what I was just telling myself.

Being able to take care of yourself, not being afraid to be alone, and thinking you are successful -- those are different than the deeper beliefs and behaviors that make us pick certain kinds of partners and let ourselves be treated a certain way. I've been reading Feeling Good Together by Burns, and he distinguishes between people who are dependent, and people who are detached. I am definitely more of the detached type, and that made me realize why I don't necessarily identify with other nons who almost seem "love addicted." (His definition for people who are dependent.) Instead of love addiction, people who are more detached are achievement addicted, and that's definitely my pattern.

[MaybeSo]

I think I will someday write a thesis on the idea of finding "the one". This concept is a very common theme on this forum, I hear it as a goal of nons all the time, and I hear nons talk a lot about finding The One being a goal of their BPD partners, too. Feeling like we were "the one" is grandiose, heady stuff... .  it fueled an addiction cycle for many here.  When I came here, I was attached to the idea of "the one". So was my ex. It's a common theme in our culture, Hollywood churns out film after film about finding "the one".

Waiting for someone to change is a recipe for feeling unhappy and unsatisfied. It keeps your happiness and satisfaction dependent upon another flawed human being, instead of in your hands.  No one out there is "THE ONE" ... .  YOU ARE THE ONE.

What I have taken away from therapy and my struggles here, is that it's my job to make myself happy/satisfied ... .  in or out of any particular relationship.

I suggest it will be very important that  you stop waiting for him to change. Shift your thinking to an acceptance of who he is now. Can you live with that? Can you envision a life with him as he is, not as you hope he will be?

If the answer is yes, start taking ownership of your happiness/satisfaction inside of this relationship that you have chosen.

If the answer is no, then take steps necessary to find a relationship that better suits your vision... .  with a full understanding that the next relationship partner will also be flawed even if a

better fit,  and that you will still be responsible for your own happiness.

[myself]

I am a successful, smart, loving and kind person, but some of that seems to be fading in this relationship. Why do I stay? Something is still missing. I’m not afraid of being alone, I take care of myself just fine.  I just want to be happy and start a family, and I think I keep waiting for him to change. Keep thinking he could still be the one. And then BPD rears its ugly face, tells me to shut up and that he should just find someone else who really cares. Most of the time I think, I wish you would. That would make this a lot easier.

Do I need to examine my self-worth or am I confusing that with the nasties of BPD?  

Hi. This made me picture someone (you) being upset with the clouds for not bringing rain while you stand there with a garden hose in your hand, capable of watering things yourself. Waiting for change to happen outside of ourselves is often a dead end. I agree with MaybeSo: We are our our own 'ones'. It's taken me quite awhile to realize this, and some days I'm still a bit unsure (drifting backwards into dreams). If you really felt and knew he was the one, you wouldn't be 'mostly wishing' he'd find someone else and that he'd go do that instead. That statement says a lot. Time is realy key in life. How we face it, how we waste it, etc. It sounds as if the two of you splitting up could be a mutual decision, which a lot of people here do not get to experience. Which would help make it 'a lot easier'. (I'm not advocating moving on, that's up to you.)

What's keeping you there? Love? You say a mortgage, which makes me also think of the mortgage on your relationship. You've already invested so much into it, it's understandable you wouldn't want to back out without good reason. With many more 'payments' yet to come, though, you're right, you do need to decide if this is where you're going to stay (or not).

Times when we find ourselves at a fork in the road, we need to weigh through the positives and negatives, adding in what our hearts feel, make the best choices we can, and follow through. If it weighs out 'stay', then stay. With a bit more work, things could work out between you. If you finally feel to go, make plans to go. It's YOUR life. The person to have a family with may be out there, looking for you too. You may look back, years from now, and see you wish you would have taken another turn somewhere. It's always good to 'examine your self-worth', but please don't do so through the lens of BPD-style projections. When you see yourself as your own one, you will not do so (at least not as much, until you get the hang of it). As we become our better selves, we will more likely attract others who are also doing so. Best wishes.

[Peace4ME]

Thank you all. I find myself at a loss for words right now, I'm still taking in all that you wrote.

I do know that I cannot accept him/our life as it is now. It brings me so little joy and quite a bit of pain. I do find joy in other areas of my life, but to me my relationship should bring me happiness, of course!

He is in DBT, and I know he has some resentment of me discovering all this and giving him a little push in that direction. I've stayed because he's in DBT, but so far its not enough. DBT couples? Maybe, but we both seem exhausted with trying.

More soul searching... .  decision to follow. 

[MaybeSo]

Interesting recent post from Wanda on Staying Board;

feburary 14th i have been married to a BPD for 15 years i have also known that long finding out right after we married.

at first i was like most hoping for the best living in fantacy land

, i can say now i am in reality, i acceted things  the way they are, i don't expect things to change or or him to change. i can say 15 years ago it was horrible. now 15 years later it is so much better.  due to accepting that my husband has BPD. and accepting what is. THis has been real THerapudic for me, i have learned so much and i thank him for that. he has taught me strength.  i learned boundaries and the tools i needed to survive.

i learned  that the only way things would change  is for me to change things. i told him many years ago if tihngs didn't get better all i wanted was better, i was out. THat was 15 years ago.

THings did get better and i am still in the marriage for 15 years  . oh and he is undiagnoised... .  if we were to ever divorce i think we could remain friends if he was willing. due to i know he has a condition a disease and i accepted that long ago. how he acts at times  is all part of this disease. i was married before now talk about fantacy... my husband now is better then what i had.and my husband now has BPD...

[gina louise]

Hmmmm, the difference between  love dependent vs detached makes sense to me. I am more achievement oriented-show me who you are and how you live- and my HUSBAND was more into fantasy Love and finding the One. (be who I need you to BE)

When his fantasy Love didn't/couldn't continue and reality began to invade his Life (and his fantasy) he crumbled like a sandy cliff hit by waves.

It looks inevitable when I look back on it now... .  but I had NO idea at the time.

it felt like a tragedy.

GL