BPD wife threatens divorce but I still worry

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

hi all... .    I am bringing in text from other posts I made to avoid retyping... .  

separated two and a half weeks.   Undiagnosed BPD wife had said she wanted a divorce before Christmas.  Her splitting and criticism increase from that point dramatically - obviously to get me to leave so she didn't have to tell me to.  I left on January 19th (have done this several times before).  She is in therapy supposedly to deal with the lifelong effects of her NPD mother.  Also sexual abuse by family friend at an early age.  I suspect the T has broadened the discussions into other topics.  I was told by my BPD wife that she now talks mostly about me in therapy.  I cause her stress.  I am making her ill.  I caused her gallbladder problems and fibromyalgia.   I cause her financial stress (I have a high paying professional job - she has not work since before we married).  You get the picture.

Additional history as I understand it:   she was married once before.  Got pregnant very quickly before the wedding.  He stayed with her a year and a half, then put her on an airplane north to her mother when she was 6 months pregnant with her second.  Ouch!    Couple years later starts seeing another guy.  She pursued him.  After several years HE buys a house and she moves in with him.   A year an a half later, he shuts the power, heat, phone and TV off and goes away.   She has no where to go with two young kids.   Flash forward a few more years... .  we start dating... .  date for 3 and 1/2 years and get married.  A YEAR AND A HALF into the marriage she descends on me like the 82nd airborne.  I make her sick, stress her out, as I said above.  I try to avoid arguing... .  she KNOWS the buttons to push.   Threatens to have sex with other guys because I supposedly neglect her - I am not with her every moment.  I am dazed and confused... .  cannot figure how to make her happy.  It is up and down without notice.

She gets into therapy.  She also joins a support group for recovery - I am not sure what she is recovering from yet - an her evangelical Christian church.  Although I am faithful, she maintains that I am a non-believer and a heathen, as if she is the gatekeeper on the interstate to Jesus.

A moth an a half ago she announces we should divorce after she has back surgery but that I should maintain the health insurance and continue to pay her bills until she has recovered and gotten a job.  As I described above, she clearly forced my hand and got me to leave.

OK, so there you have it if anyone is still reading!   After a few days I get messages that remind me there is no hope for the marriage.  I respond OK, sorry to hear that.  Within a short amount of time she then sends messages that tell me about the usual day to day stuff... .  car maintenance, utilities, groceries.   Bland daily life stuff.  She keeps me up to date.  She will then two days later remind that our marriage has no hope.  I respond with something to the effect... .  "OK, no kidding, you have said this many times".   A couple days later, back to messages about a doctor's visit and more daily life stuff.

What the heck?   Am I in or out?  I am ready to be out.  I am concerned that she is attempting to re-engage me with the day to day messages.  I also suspect that her painting me black is a twisted way of maintaining, or elevating her VICTIM STATUS among her friends, particularly those at church.   It seems to be a tactic similar to being in constant ill health (this woman is gorgeous and in great shape) in that it gathers more sympathy from anyone she perceives to be a good supplier.

Am I thinking straight or has she sent me out to lunch again?

In my last paragraph above I may not have been clear:  I suspect she may be elevating her victim status by talking divorce with her friends at church and in support groups, as well as her therapist.   In order for her to justify a divorce she must make me all bad all the time.

I am ready to get out - for peace and stability.  I love her very much and as I have read here countless times, she and I have had amazing experiences together.  And yet... .  she is KILLING me.  I do deserve better.  If I was nailed to a cross for her sins it would not be enough.

My real concern, as I expressed above, is that she is in a phase seeking attention and will sucker me back in.  The harbinger of this fear is what I attempted to describe:  the bland text messages and phone calls that "keep me up to date on whats going on".   I fear she is using this to keep me in tow rather than making a break for it.  I am worried I will be weak if and when she tries to reel me back in.  She has had success before with this.

In anyone's experience, does a pwBPD threaten divorce, separate and then try to recycle everything?    Does anything ever ever change?

[Mike_confused]

hi all... .    I am bringing in text from other posts I made to avoid retyping... .  

separated two and a half weeks.   Undiagnosed BPD wife had said she wanted a divorce before Christmas.  Her splitting and criticism increase from that point dramatically - obviously to get me to leave so she didn't have to tell me to.  I left on January 19th (have done this several times before).  She is in therapy supposedly to deal with the lifelong effects of her NPD mother.  Also sexual abuse by family friend at an early age.  I suspect the T has broadened the discussions into other topics.  I was told by my BPD wife that she now talks mostly about me in therapy.  I cause her stress.  I am making her ill.  I caused her gallbladder problems and fibromyalgia.   I cause her financial stress (I have a high paying professional job - she has not work since before we married).  You get the picture.

Additional history as I understand it:   she was married once before.  Got pregnant very quickly before the wedding.  He stayed with her a year and a half, then put her on an airplane north to her mother when she was 6 months pregnant with her second.  Ouch!    Couple years later starts seeing another guy.  She pursued him.  After several years HE buys a house and she moves in with him.   A year an a half later, he shuts the power, heat, phone and TV off and goes away.   She has no where to go with two young kids.   Flash forward a few more years... .  we start dating... .  date for 3 and 1/2 years and get married.  A YEAR AND A HALF into the marriage she descends on me like the 82nd airborne.  I make her sick, stress her out, as I said above.  I try to avoid arguing... .  she KNOWS the buttons to push.   Threatens to have sex with other guys because I supposedly neglect her - I am not with her every moment.  I am dazed and confused... .  cannot figure how to make her happy.  It is up and down without notice.

She gets into therapy.  She also joins a support group for recovery - I am not sure what she is recovering from yet - an her evangelical Christian church.  Although I am faithful, she maintains that I am a non-believer and a heathen, as if she is the gatekeeper on the interstate to Jesus.

A moth an a half ago she announces we should divorce after she has back surgery but that I should maintain the health insurance and continue to pay her bills until she has recovered and gotten a job.  As I described above, she clearly forced my hand and got me to leave.

OK, so there you have it if anyone is still reading!   After a few days I get messages that remind me there is no hope for the marriage.  I respond OK, sorry to hear that.  Within a short amount of time she then sends messages that tell me about the usual day to day stuff... .  car maintenance, utilities, groceries.   Bland daily life stuff.  She keeps me up to date.  She will then two days later remind that our marriage has no hope.  I respond with something to the effect... .  "OK, no kidding, you have said this many times".   A couple days later, back to messages about a doctor's visit and more daily life stuff.

What the heck?   Am I in or out?  I am ready to be out.  I am concerned that she is attempting to re-engage me with the day to day messages.  I also suspect that her painting me black is a twisted way of maintaining, or elevating her VICTIM STATUS among her friends, particularly those at church.   It seems to be a tactic similar to being in constant ill health (this woman is gorgeous and in great shape) in that it gathers more sympathy from anyone she perceives to be a good supplier.

Am I thinking straight or has she sent me out to lunch again?

In my last paragraph above I may not have been clear:  I suspect she may be elevating her victim status by talking divorce with her friends at church and in support groups, as well as her therapist.   In order for her to justify a divorce she must make me all bad all the time.

I am ready to get out - for peace and stability.  I love her very much and as I have read here countless times, she and I have had amazing experiences together.  And yet... .  she is KILLING me.  I do deserve better.  If I was nailed to a cross for her sins it would not be enough.

My real concern, as I expressed above, is that she is in a phase seeking attention and will sucker me back in.  The harbinger of this fear is what I attempted to describe:  the bland text messages and phone calls that "keep me up to date on whats going on".   I fear she is using this to keep me in tow rather than making a break for it.  I am worried I will be weak if and when she tries to reel me back in.  She has had success before with this.

In anyone's experience, does a pwBPD threaten divorce, separate and then try to recycle everything?    Does anything ever ever change?

[Clearmind]

Mike, your wife will push/pull to her hearts content - you don't have to get suckered in - giving away our power is part of the state of play!

You need to decide what you want and not be pushed/pulled by her. She will control - maybe you need to set some boundaries for yourself about what you respond to.

[Mike_confused]

I understand that I have the power to stay or leave (I actually already left)... .  I am trying to prepare myself  this time for the mind games she is likely to play-----like you said, push & pull.    That is why I put it out there to any posters:  have any of you had to deal with your BPD partner saying they want a divorce, driving you out and then trying to suck you back?

She and I have never gotten to this point before which is why I ask.

[losinghope97]

Hi Mike,

I am in the boat you describe.  I the last three years my wife has filed for a divorce two times (about to be three) and on both occasions has called it off at the last minute before we have to go before the judge. 

As you described, I make her sick, can't stand to be around me.  She will play the role of the victim with her mother and friends and paint me black to the degree; I begin to wonder if it might be true.  She will get their sympathy, insist to them that I have the issues, repeat some of the 'gaslight' issues she has used against me as examples of instability, etc. etc. etc.  And just when I get myself prepared to accept what seems inevitable, she calls it all off... .  

Calls the attorney and stops the case.  Tells me, 'you have progressed' and 'I can see you trying' so she will give me another chance.  She doesn't miss the chance to tell me what she is missing out on, all the other men she could have, but she will suffer through with me, because she is good person and sticks to her commitments, blah, blah, blah

We are headed down the same path again, today I got the I'm filing for divorce phone call while at work, I knew you weren't worth it, I only stayed out of pity, and don't come home tonight or ever again, find someplace else to live... .  

These swings used to kill me, I would be in agony trying to make sense of what happened, what I did (before I knew and understood BPD).  Now they hurt, but I recognize them for the games they are.  I honestly don't know what I will do, kids are involved and I do truly love my wife and know that is all driven by her suffering and have genuine empathy for her.  But I don't know if I can take the cycle any more.

I not sure I have any advice, but do have the story you are describing and have been sucked back in after divorce has been on the table (for months).  Whatever you decide, just recognize that whatever she says or does during the reconciliation will be fleeting, and any supposed change of heart will not be sustained, things won’t finally be better.  It will just cycle again. 

Stay Strong. 

[Mike_confused]

Losinghope97... .  

thanks.  WOW.  What you are describing is exactly what I have been experiencing.   Like I said my BPD wife has said she wanted a divorce and finally instigated another situation to get me to leave a few weeks ago.   And yet, I do not think she has contacted an attorney.  I am in limbo.   I have given up a great deal to be with her and I feel used by her because of these behaviors.

After hearing what your story is, I will be prepared.  I would say that there is a 75% likelihood that she will try to draw me back when things become more than she wants to deal with on her own.  I am currently not willing to go back to her, as much as I love her.

Does your wife carry any of the burden in the household?  Help with finances, or even housework?   Mine has done NOTHING since we married except sleep until noon, and go to her afternoon MD appointments and therapy.

[losinghope97]

Hi Mike,

I have been fairly lucky with my uBPDw in that respect from a house work and cooking perspective.  In the good times (which used to be 90% of the time, but in the last few years has only been 10% of the time), part of her persona is to be the diligent house wife and keep the house fairly orderly, much as she was expected to do when she was younger and lived at home.  It feels as if it is part of the mask she has for herself or me when she feels OK.  

When things aren't good, often that ends.  Anything as far as house work or cooking will only happen if she is concerned about portraying a positive image to the kids (4 total).  Sometimes she is in a really bad space and does nothing and might disappear for the a week or 3-4 days (sometimes staying out all day and returning home at night and other times not coming back at all) and isn’t trying to keep any image for the kids.  In these times I do all the cooking and cleaning for the house.

On the other extreme she will paint me black kick me out of the house and then over compensate with the kids by being doing extra cooking and cleaning (extra motherly) to either make me feel unnecessary, expendable or unneeded in the family (look how good we get along without you) or to triangulate our relationship with the kids forcing them to pick sides (me against your father).  I am not sure which main reason is, if they are both at play or if it even really matters, since it is incredibly destructive for everyone, no matter the reason.

In retrospect, thinking thorough your question, I would think it fair to say that in middle of the road times, when things weren’t bad, but were far from good, I did carry and inordinate amount of the household work load.  Some of that was probably driven by my codependent issues trying to be a pleaser, and a lot of it was because I didn’t want to get her started down the wrong path, so I kept doing as much as I could to make sure she wasn’t going to get upset again. But, as you know, that bad side comes now matter much of an angel you are, there isn’t enough housework you can do to save yourself.

As far as finances I am the sole income earner and have been for more than 15 years, which I don’t mind either way.  

For me, it seems like her usage of the divorce ‘weapon’ has become similar to other pwBPD usage of calling the police.  It is used as a way to assert control over me, contribute to my devaluation and kept over my head pretty much all the time.  She plays the role of the ‘person who cares less than the other’ and whenever I don’t act right in her eyes (which may or may not be related to the real world) then she can back out of any attachment at the drop of a hat.  I see the attachment issue pwBPD suffer from very clearly in my relationship as I watch this dynamic.

Now your wife has started down this path, I don’t know how you stop it.  And if she feels like her usage of this tool has been successful getting her needs met, then she will go back to it again and again until you put a stop to it, i.e. you follow through on the divorce.  Thus abandoning her and fulfilling the prophecy they have set for themselves.  I don’t know if there is a way to win in this situation for the relationship, from my experience I am beginning to think there is only a win for me to escape the cycle, but lose everything else.

LH97

[Mike_confused]

LH97,

man you hit it on the head.  I can say I am not going to try to stop her.    If she actually follows through with her threat then she does and I am out of this cycle of pain.  It would still sadden me and break my heart, but nevertheless it frees me.   If she backs off and tries to offer an out to this process by attempting to get me to admit to more wrong doing and then conditionally forgiving me to a small extent , well... .  

You see the second option is what I fear most - I am trying to prepare myself for this attempt of hers so I don't just fold.

Mike

[Sammamish]

Mike - sorry to read about your situation. Have you spoken with an attorney for advice? I am not quite at the separation stage but I feel things are heading that way - My wife has said several times she now wants a divorce, so I have to take her seriously. I am also reaching burnout, and part of me is finished with the relationship. I'm just not sure about how to go about it, ie do I pre-empt things by instructing an attorney or do let her take the lead? I know the dance will continue if she calls the tune, so I am figuring out what I want in all of this and trying to formulate a plan that I can execute regardless of her intentions. I know that by leaving this may well trigger her fears of abandonment, but my situation is a bit different as I am away from my home country, and I really have nowhere to move to other than into a local hotel. So, if I have to leave/separate for a prolonged period it will mean leaving the country - which in itself has logistical problems when it comes to filing for divorce etc.

[Mike_confused]

Sammamish,

thanks.   As you mentioned, the strange thing is that my BPD wife's fear of abandonment  caused her to abandon me.   Really screwed.  My best friend is my attorney so I am prepared.  I never wanted it to come to this.   Very very sad.    I am burned out like you.

[Mike_confused]

All & anyone... .  

It has been three weeks since I have seen my BPD wife.     She said then we'd god to a mediator then and get it done - divorce, since we have no property together, nor kids.   I casually asked her a week ago an she said... .  I haven't about it lately.   We can talk more soon.

What the hell?  Is she attempting to set me up of is she back peddling?   How can someone, even someone with BPD, invoke the NUCLEAR option ( divorce ) and then appear a couple weeks later as if it is still not your top priority?

[Sammamish]

Thats tough. Very similar to my situation. Its very difficult to know whether she's being genuine or is stalling to keep her options open. What advice does your friend have from a legal point of view to protect your position? If she was being genuine, would you consider reconciliation with certain conditions, eg a commitment to therapy? Any possibility of a diagnosis? My wife has just started therapy for her anger problems, though I have no idea if BPD has been discussed and obviously I dont want to mention BPD. She has started a mode of therapy that is used to treat childhood trauma/neglect, so I  have to view this as a positive step on her part. But I really want some sort of assurance/commitment to therapy in the long term.

[Mike_confused]

Samm,

she is in therapy.    I don't know what she could concede that would get me to consider reconciliation.   It would have to start with her admitting some culpability.  My attorney says there is not much she can get me for.

The fact that she is casually walking away from her only financial support I am aware of makes me wonder if she's gor another guy hooker.   If she does it makes my choice easier.

[Mike_confused]

LOL... .  let me correct what I typed about... .  she makes me wonder if she has another guy "hooked" not hooker.      OOPPPS!.   Sorry.

[Sammamish]

Mike - whats the latest? Is your W getting specific BPD therapy? My uBPD has recently started seeing a T, to deal with her anger amongst other things. We are trying separation - for an undetermined period. Her T recommends a period of 3 months minimum, with some sort of mediation/"therapeutic counselling". I dont hold out much hope until a diagnosis is made, though have to recognise her efforts...

[Mike_confused]

She has been in therapy for 8 months regarding her NPD mother.  My secret hope was that the therapist would also discover her Borderline traits.   We are separated only by houses.   I have heard her change her tune from "I want a divorce" to yesterday's statement "I am not ready to fix our broken marriage".   Subtle but distinct.

[Mike_confused]

so what is her deal?  She seems to be pulling back from "I want a divorce" to "You are going in circles because nothing has changed".   I am convinced I will have to file for a divorce if Iwant one, because I don't think she will do it.   

[arabella]

Just a few thoughts... .  It sounds like she is baiting to see what you'll do. She's probably very confused and wants you to make a decision (chase vs divorce). If you chase - she wins! If you file for D - she gets to play the innocent victim = win (in her distorted way of thinking)! She can't file for divorce because then she has to accept responsibility for it and, being religious, there's probably some extra conflict there too.

So just do what's best for YOU. Otherwise you'll be waiting on her forever.

[Mike_confused]

arabella,

I do believe uBPD wife is bating me, as you observed.  Since the time of the above post that you responded to, I talked to her at length last weekend.   She told me I walked out on her her on January 19th.  Partially true:  I left after she told me her kids hated me because I am not good, told me she wanted a divorce and said I had better not contest it.  Then I left.  The conversation then turned to the divorce.  I said if it would make it easier on her, I would file for divorce and even let her review a draft of the papers (we have no kids together and no common property).  She had a full out crying breakdown saying that there was no need to be in a hurry.

I can't stay in limbo.  I feel free again and my health is recovering since I have been away from her.

[Mike_confused]

one more thing she told me... .  my uBPD wife said that the people in her support group at church told her I was bad for her and that she should leave me.

That is an easy conclusion for nosey people to draw when they are fed half truths.

[arabella]

So now she wants you to chase her and start the cycle again. What are you going to do? What's you plan for dealing with this?

Re her church group, there are three possibilities: a) she's making it up to get a reaction; b) they really do think that because of the things that your uBPDw told them (painting you black); or most likely c) a combination of a and b. Either way, the information is being filtered, in both directions, by someone with a mental illness, and there isn't much you can do about that. Keep in mind, the truth always prevails in the end.

[Mike_confused]

arabella,

from the bottom up of your post... .  (c) combination of (a) and (b).     as far as chasing her, she is not acting like she wants that... .  she is almost NC with me.   I am sure she does want me to chase her, so that she can  shoot me down.   I am not chasing her.

[arabella]

I'd humbly diagree - her going NC is a way to get you to chase. That, plus her digs re the church group, PLUS the crying about not getting divorced right away... .  She's acting like she wants you to chase. (That's obviously just my perspective.)

So you're not chasing. Good call. But that's just what you aren't doing. What's the rest of the plan? Are you going to file the divorce paperwork? Waiting for something (like what)? Because right now it does indeed sound like you're in the dreaded 'limbo'.

[Mike_confused]

arabella,

you are right... .  I do believe she wants me to chase, but chasing is a losing game. Also, to your other point - I am in limbo.  I have a mental deadline set.   If there is not action in either direction by that time I will inform my uBPD wife that we are moving forward - either together, or apart.