Forgiving Them...

[wrangler1217]

Well, I'm coming up on 40 days N/C tomorrow.  The longest we've ever gone is 23 days back this past fall, and she came back around.  We ended up having a fairly cordial relationship till November, and we didn't talk until my bday in mid-December. 

Well, we were hanging out on my bday, and I ended up getting really drunk.  I was actually having a good time with my friends and I didn't want to leave (though it was getting pretty late).  She kept complaining about how tired she was and how bad she wanted to go home.  So, I ended up leaving with her... .  and as we were leaving, I tried talking to her about how disappointed I was, because for her friends bday a few months earlier, she ended up throwing a surprise party and doing EVERY little thing to make her happy.  I wasn't expecting a surprise party or anything, but I was disappointed that she had such disregard for what I wanted to do on my bday.  Now, I'm merely trying to have a conversation with her at this point... .  but she says, "I mean, you act like its such a big deal... .  but it's just another day.  If you were turning 30 or 35 or 40, then sure... .  I would care, but come on... it's just another day."  Her tone was incredibly cold and mean.  I was really hurt. Unfortunately, if I'm drinking and I'm hurt... .  I don't think.  I just react.  I said a lot of things I didn't mean, got out of the car, and tried to walk home.  Eventually, she left... .  and I don't blame her.  I was being a fool.  She came over to get some things the next day, and we talked for a little bit.  I apologized and she seemed receptive and understanding.  We text/phone for the next couple of days, and I ask her to lunch.  She says that it wouldn't be a good idea to see each other for a while until her emotions died down.  That was around the 20th of December.  I texted her Christmas, and then a few days afterward... .  and her responses were extremely short and bitter, so I backed off completely and haven't talked to her since.

I've been focusing a lot on myself during this time.  I'm running my first marathon later this month.  I've read a few books, one that was particularly intriguing called, "The Secret: The Power", dealing with the Law of Attraction - Basically, what you think about, you bring to life - either positive or negative.  It talks about love, forgiveness, letting go, etc... .  

So I've been putting it into practice, and for the most part... .  it's really improved my attitude/moods.  If I feel bad, I think about every little thing I'm thankful for, and I do end up feeling better.  I've told a few people that I've held grudges against, including my first girlfriend (non-BPD), that I forgive them and released the burden.  One person in particular was my exBPDgf's best friend (we'll call her Jen), who is a mutual friend that set us up a while ago.  I was friends with her husband, but over the past year, she and her husband have had problems that recently led to a divorce last month.  Well, ever since this past summer, Jen has been cutting loose.  At the same time, it would seem like Jen was against me and my ex seeing each other, because it was like she would always try to talk her out of dating me.  So I figured that Jen didn't like us together because it took my ex away from Jen... .  and with me out of the picture, she has a wingman now.  I've always held some sort of resentment against her for it, but after reading the book... .  I realize that I have to let it go. 

Well I asked Jen to lunch today, and she said that she would meet me.  So we talked, and I explained why I had such animosity for her lately, and that I forgave her.  We talked a little bit here and there, I tried to stay away from talking about the ex as much as possible.  She started crying at the end of us meeting, but I think it's bc she's still trying to adjust to the divorce (even though she wanted it so bad).  She got embarrassed about crying and left, like she doesn't want the world to see any emotion from her.  She says she's over the divorce thing, but obviously, she's not.  I let it be since she didn't want to talk about it.

So, I have forgiven my ex.  I've let it go.  If she does come back around and try to check up on me, I'll respond with telling her that I forgive her... .  but I think holding off till then is a good idea.  I think the biggest problem with us was that after she first broke up with me and came back, I never forgave her.  I held it against her... .  and kept on.  Not being able to let it go created a big problem with us that never felt right.

Sorry, this ended up being a lot longer than I planned.  Just figured I'd post it here instead of emailing/texting/calling her to tell her this.