Have I really stopped loving her?

[healing_orlando]

After 32 years of physical and emotional abuse, and thousands of unsuccessful attempts at trying to relate or have somewhat of a relationship with my BPD mother, one day I just had enough.  I cannot describe it any other way than, one day, I just came to the internal conclusion that "I am done," and then the love stopped.  I remember exactly when it happened, and the funny thing is that the episode that triggered it was an episode that was so very subtle and not nearly as bad as the crazy episodes filled with rage, physical abuse, death threats, and suicidal attempts that are in my past with her. 

It happened when I became engaged and called her up to tell her the news.  After the initial silence, she asked my now fiance (who was on speaker phone), why he had spent a bunch of money on a ring for me, that it was not worth it and that we were already living together anyway, so whats the point.  Then, she proceeded to ask me if I was pregnant.  Then, very matter factly, said she had to go because she was very tired.  (As a background, she has nothing against my fiance, and in fact claims to like him very much).  Like I said, this was not very bad at all considering my mother's history of crazy episodes that would leave me covered in bruises and black eyes.  But, it was the very last drop for me.  It was all I could take, along with all of the past 32 years of abuse. 

I feel like the love stopped.  The thought of her now makes me sad, but not just any kind of sad.  It's more like a sadness after a person has died.  I simply do not care about her anymore.  Has anyone ever come to this point with a BPD in her family?

Thanks for sharing.

[justnothing]

Yes I came to that conclusion at one point and held it for close to two years. After my mother collapsed for the last time and I was told she was brain dead I got to spend some time alone with her each day (it took a while for her body to die… which allowed other family members to come and say goodbye as well). It was right after I'd been told, when alone with her for the first time, that I realized that the love had never gone away; I had just been repressing it. While she was alive, loving her didn't feel "safe" because it came at such a high cost so at some point, on some subconscious level, I decided to block the feeling out because that was like the last remaining line of defense.

The incident you describe isn't a small one. The times she beat you and did all those other horrible things – she had directed them against you and I assume you've spend your life developing all kinds of coping skills for that… but in this instance it sounds like you may have felt that your relationship with your fiancé was being threatened. I'm assuming also that this wouldn't be the first time your mother didn't approve of you getting close to anyone… that can be some of the toughest sh-t to deal with. If the message you feel like you're getting here is "it's either him or me", it's understandable that you'd feel a subconscious need to stop consciously feeling the love for her and hence not allow her to affect your judgment any more.

[thespacebetween]

I have come to realize Over the last few years I do not care much about my mother anymore.  I don't know if I love her honestly, but I do not care much. At all.  I am saddened by it though. It will take some therapy to move past it, but like you, I am just done.  I am sorry for you though.

[healing_orlando]

Thank you for the replies. Justnothing, what you said about the fear makes a lot of sense. After that episode over the engagement is when I started having panick attacks. The last one I had was when she was on her way to come visit me. I had to call her and tell her not to come anymore. I do feel terrified to see her or interact with her, because I fear what crazy unexpected behavior she is going to show next.

Even though it makes sense, it still does not feel like I still lover her deep down inside. I have been through stages where I repressed the love, and knew I was repressing it. This time it's different. It really does feel like she is dead to me. It feels like I am mourning.

[WrongWoman]

I don't love my mother.  I grieve for the mother I should have had, but I don't love her.  I feel nothing beyond loss.

[UpwardAndOnward]

ive been so struggling with this concept and related on so many levels to your story. this past summer my mom had a minimally crazy episode (in comparison to past stories) in a situation where she finally targeted my boyfriend of three years creating this dramatic story, and handling it on every inappropriate level you can imagine. i was so fed up with her I just started to distance myself. the last time i spent any significant time with her was the day i moved into my first new home that i bought. she came over- stayed well past her welcome (until 1am missing the numerous hints I was getting at so she would leave), and then made some sort of comment to me that left me in tears. since then i have had no tolerance for her. I have joined this group and just have no interest in having her in my life. i have reached out since then one time... and it bit me in the butt and i realized why i was distancing myself. so now im left with ... .  what now? i get pangs of guilt for not having a relationship with her right now, but im so quickly reminded why I don't have her in my life when I deal with her at all. so what am I supposed to d?- try to involve her in my life in a limited manner just because shes my mom? ... .  or do i continue on with what im doing- because i have to admit there is a whole lot less of stress, anxiety and drama going on while keeping her away. feeling for your situation- I dont feel grief like shes gone- but more confused on how I am supposed to feel to not have her in my life.

[Lisallew]

I hear you. That's the point i'm now at. After the past week of abuse and name calling, threats and nastiness, I just do not care anymore. Anything my mother does is her decision. But don't drag me down.

I have nothing but contempt for her now. Previously I had a little bit of sympathy, now I don't want anything to do with her. I've had enough.

Do not feel guilty. You need to look after yourself. Live your own life, don't let her try to destroy it or make it difficult.

We don't choose our relatives. We would not hang around a friend if they treated us that way. So you should continue to do what you're doing - and enjoy having a stress-free, happy existence. Take it from me, if you allow it to continue it will simply make you exhausted, unhappy and feel 'older' than you should. I've had a week full of crap and it's upset my whole life (of course I've allowed that to happen), and it's rendered me incapable of doing what I want to do (go for a run, go for a swim). I just feel too exhausted (this week) to do that, because of the horrible things my mother has said and done to me.

Life is far too short. You need to enjoy your life and make sure it is YOUR life.

[InaMinorRole]

Over the years I got to the point with my mother that when she would do something that was ice cold I would tell myself: remember this when she's gone so you're not tempted to idealize her. It's easy enough after someone dies to think only of the good things, so I was concerned that I would forget what all she had done to me, and it felt like I would be betraying my real past and my real self if I forgot. When she did die I didn't mourn much. I remembered very clearly things like this: when I called to tell her the doctor said I needed to have major surgery, and I was afraid, her response was: "Oh. I have a little kitty face looking at me. Hi, Patches! That's all that matters."

Somehow we need to get to a place where we're not actively hating these mothers but we are also not being their doormats. For me it involved spending my entire adult life living in another state. I wasn't NC, which seems like an aggressive act (although fully justified for many people). I just spent little time with her, and enjoyed my life. I tried to be kind because I choose to be a kind person, not because she deserved it. But I also held her firmly at arm's length.

I support you, healing_orlando. You didn't choose your family and you shouldn't feel guilty for not loving someone who abuses you. It seems pretty obvious when someone else writes it down, doesn't it?

[healing_orlando]

Yes, it does seem pretty obvious the way you wrote it, InaMinorRole.  Thank you for the support and replies, everyone.

[GeekyGirl]

I can understand how you would come to a point where you don't feel love for your mother any longer. You can also love someone and hate their actions at the same time.

Somehow we need to get to a place where we're not actively hating these mothers but we are also not being their doormats.

I agree. There is somewhere in the middle where we can be between angry or victimized but also not enmeshed or putting our needs behind our mothers' needs. Each of us has to find our own place in that middle ground.

You might find that your feelings will change over time and you go back and forth between not caring, being sad, being ok with her, and everything in betweeen. I go through a wide range of emotions when I think about my mother, the relationship we could have had, and the relationship we've had over the years. Don't feel guilty about how you feel or judge yourself.

[WrongWoman]

Somehow we need to get to a place where we're not actively hating these mothers but we are also not being their doormats.

I don't love my mother, but I don't hate her, either.  I am just dispassionate about her.  I've done the work in therapy and I've allowed myself to feel all the feelings so I could process them (and I still see my therapist), but this is pretty much the end result for me.  No one is all good or all bad, even her, but she's no longer part of my life, so I feel it's healthy for me to allow myself to admit that I don't feel one way or the other about her. 

I've imagined what I will feel like when she dies 100 times over, and I just can't conjure up either feelings of happiness or sadness.  I think it will be like when a stranger dies, as that is what she has become to me.  And that's the best thing that could have happened with regard to her.