A long post about me, my schema, and so on.

[struggli]

why i have BPD:

I tried to isolate her from her friends and family with the exception of a few who I thought were positive influences.  I felt her parents and her oldest sibling were bad influences.  They all had a "user" side to them.  They wanted money from her, favors, etc.  Her mom (assuming what ex told me is true) set her up for a life of sexual abuse, poor boundaries, and a shallow approach to relationships.  Her parents also taught her to lie about her life history (to teachers in elementary school, for example).  Her friends were all male and the relationships seemed to have sexual tension to me, and, in some cases, a sexual past.  She was friends with her first boyfriend and would hang out with him and his friends while I was at work.  She agreed to stop if it would make me happy, then eventually went back to hanging out with him.  She swore it was all platonic.  She kept in contact with her most recent ex which was the most bothersome since she went back to him twice while we were together.  She agreed to stop talking to him, but just did it covertly.  Her group of male friends consisted of three guys that had all asked her out or dated her at some point.  I met them all and even though they seemed like decent guys, it was like there was this seedy undertone to it all, that they still wanted her but were doing the long-term friend strategy.  Maybe it was my imagination or insecurity.  I also got very upset with her when she would go out to bars and stuff without me.  Even when she told me she was going to hang out with a female friend, I agreed and told her to have fun, but wondered if she was lying to me.  So, I tried to isolate her.

I also asked that she not wear certain clothing.  For instance, she had this pair of jeans that were torn and her ass cheeks would be about halfway out.  She would wear them to do after hours renovations at her job with her male co-worker.  I got upset that she would wear those jeans.  She said they are her work jeans.  One time we agreed that she wouldn't wear a particular dress unless she was with me.  I thought it was too provocative.  Then one day she was going to wear it to work and I reminded her that we agreed she wouldn't wear it to work.  She got really upset and, I may or may not be recalling this correctly, but I think she started throwing clothes everywhere.  It might've been the first rage I'd seen.  Now, maybe it was controlling of me to do that.  I don't know.  But I thought we had agreed.  It was one of the few things she wore that instantly made me want to have sex with her, so I didn't like her being seen like that by other people.  We almost broke up over it actually.  I flipped out and said that she had agreed not to and if she was going to wear it anyway, then maybe we're done.  Maybe that's a little pyscho or maybe it was because it was an agreement that had been voided in an instant that really set me off.

I feared her abandoning me quite a bit.  I thought she would leave me a lot of the time.  I never really felt this until about 3 months in when she started contacting her ex and saying she missed him.  I was forever insecure and hypervigilant after this.  There was also a sense of many guys wanting her sexually/romanctically and her being OK with subtly feeding it -- even her boss and his friends, even some of my friends.  All these vultures were waiting for me to f--k up so they could scoop her up.  At least that's how I saw it.  In the beginning of the relationship, we texted and talked a lot when we weren't in each other's presence.  I was OK with that.  I didn't NEED it in that frequency, but it had become the norm, so I started to expect it.  So it became weird when it got to  a point where I wouldn't hear from her for a whole day or when she'd want to spend a night alone after we'd spent every night together for weeks on end.

I moved fast in the beginning as well.  We went on a date.  She thought I was hilarious and enthralling and all that.  She didn't say so, her behavior did.  We had sex within minutes of being at my home.  I was never really a fan of just having sex right away or one night stands, etc.  Maybe I'm flawed for that, but for me sex is intimate, not just a bodily action like taking a dump or something.  I feel a connection with sex.  And usually I don't have sex unless I can feel that connection.  I felt a connection with her.  But I also have been conditioned that unless I have sex with a woman right away, she loses interest right away.  So, my feeling a connection with her, coupled with an evolving understanding of women's expectations, I went for it.  And it was amazing.  As perfect as sex could be.  And she was the most beautiful woman in the world from that moment forward, which I've never felt before.  I felt like I was in love with her by the end of the night even though I didn't tell her so.  We spent every single day together for 3 months straight.  After about 2 weeks, she told me she loved me and I found some way to not immediately tell her I loved her as well.  I wanted to appear somewhat resistant even though I thought I'd found my soulmate.  Was that manipulation?  Was trying to be what women wanted me to be (a guy that has sex on the first date) a sign of weak boundaries or unstable sense of self?

Now that I don't have her in my life, I feel like dirt -- unnecessary, unloveable.  I feel like I'm just dead weight.

I am generally misanthropic.  I think most people are hypocrites and give in to group mentality rather than doing what is most utilitarian or ethical.  I know the world is complicated and we all contribute to suffering and exploitation, but I am perturbed by most people's inability to look out side their own microcosm -- or even worse -- when they do see the big picture but just don't give a sh-t.  Maybe I'm a co-dependent trying to save the world.  I even think that starting a family is irresponsible.  I tell people congratulations when they are having a baby, but I really think "Is another one of those what you really need right now?" 

Part of my job involves conflict mediation.  Every time I think I've seen the worst of human behavior and hope that it's an exception, I witness something degrees more despicable than the last brutal sick-to-my-stomach learning experience.

This failed relationship with the ex has just compounded my disdain for people, not to mention the stories about her families and her sexual assailants.

This manifests itself mostly in my thoughts but not in my interactions with people.  I don't go around in a rage or ranting and my thoughts are largely hidden but there is an overall disappointment with humanity as a whole.  It becomes much more pronounced in my thoughts when I am heartbroken.  If I'm in a happy relationship, I virtually forget about it.  I even forget how much my job sucks when I'm in a happy relationship.  I know I am not the epitome of a human, nor perfect, etc., but I try to do the best I can.  It is probably faulty thinking that no one gives a crap about anything because most certainly there are people who make more of an effort than I do.

I like "mind-blowing" sex.  I like a partner who likes to do novel things and is going to be excited about trying something new, not someone who says "no" to everything. An unfulfilling sex life would be a deal breaker for me.

I want a beautiful girlfriend.  Does this make me a narcissist?  I want someone to whom I'm attracted.   

I understand the honeymoon phase and all that and I'm OK with falling into a groove to some degree.  I don't think I need to high of the new relationship.  In fact, I feel better with stability.  I really wanted that with uBPDxgf, but I was never given a stable ground on which to let it evolve to that.  I want stability, commitment, loyalty, honesty, attraction, effort, mutuality, but I just want it with a woman who feels the same way about all this stuff that I do.  I don't want to make a family with her, nor do I even want to marry her.  I just want us to go on a journey through life together, doing things together without the need for church/state recognition of our love, without the need to create another human.  Is that an absurd desire?  Is it selfish?

Since I moved about 8 years ago, I never really developed any new meaningful relationships, other than with the two girlfriends I've had.  I don't find many people who resonate with me.  But then again, maybe that's because I go to work when most of the workforce is going home.

I am supposedly very smart and capable, yet I've had the same mind-numbing, psychologically abusive, physically demanding job for 15 years, while my peers are all for the most part more successful.  They all have their American dream in a nice little package.  I feel I could be doing something else but I'm not sure what and, although I've tried finding other jobs, I give up pretty quickly due to the amount of energy that goes into it.  Plus, I know there will be mind games and drama and politics wherever I go.  But maybe there is something I'd like to do a little more.  Underemployed.  Not using my talent or ability.  But work sucks, right?  Is there such thing as a fulfilling career?  And why is it that I don't care about how much my job blows when I am happy with a woman?  Is it because I am masking the misery?  I'm not really miserable.  I'm more like a zombie at work.  And it doesn't even matter.  I can still do the job.

I don't know how I have had four long term relationships, nor do I understand why everyone leaves.  My first girlfriend left me because she fell in love with my friend.  I adored her, but I was disposable to her.  We were young, right.  I learned about heartbreak and she learned how to give head to all my friends.  My 2nd girlfriend wanted me and I was not emotionally available to her.  But she tried anyway.  And to be honest, we stayed together because she wouldn't give up and I eventually gave in because she treated me really well.  I think it was a long term rebound.  In a way, did the push-pull, more the push.  However, I was always consistent in my distance.  I broke up with her because I just was never really that engaged in the relationship even though she knew how to be a good partner.  I also was never really attracted to her.  It was nevertheless terribly painful to leave.  The 3rd girlfriend was diagnosed as BPD, but her behavior was almost comical compared to the most recent ex.  Her shifts in behavior were so visible yet HONEST.  She'd tell me to get the F--K out of her house and then call me an hour later and apologize.  I never felt that she didn't want me, only that she was difficult to get along with.  In retrospect, she was like a textbook, clean, simple case of BPD.  There wasn't gaslighting, manipulation, lying... .    It was just rapid mood shifts, right there in the open.  I actually appreciate that now.  Because ex #4, the most recent, the one that has me in the fetal position, the one that triggered me to write all of the above as well as my other 400+ posts, was an enigma of behavior. 

I feel broken from this and also that my goggles for women are so finely tuned that, even though there are several billion women on the planet (blah blah blah), I'd bet that statistically, there's more like 1/100,000 that'd potentially be compatible with me.  Beautiful (in my eyes), likes to have fun/intimate sex, yet can be faithful and committed, doesn't want a family, doesn't need to marry have a deep/loving connection, has similar interests/values, who enjoys and feels just as passionately about me.  And the ex seemed to be all those things but simply couldn't sustain being with me.  But, hey, it was all fake anyway, right?  A facade?  So that makes me even less optimistic.

I'm not very good at dating or meeting women either.  There's several things working against me on that.  First of all, I'm pretty sensitive (a starting trait for BPD, right?), so I assume women are sensitive too.  I think they all think I'm a creep, freak, and I'm not good enough before I start talking to them.  There have been a few instances where a woman has called me creepy, been rude to me, or called me gay, even though I thought I was just being friendly, so I have internalized that about myself.  Now, don't get me wrong, I think I behave in a pretty down to earth way.  I don't think I exhibit off-the-wall behavior.  I'm not a ham with women, but it seems like trying at all is just too damn much work -- now more than ever.  I usually find out women like me after there's no chance of us being together.  Is it the desperation in me that bleeds through?  DO I have my own red flags?  Do I have a distorted view of courtship since I've mostly been in long term relationships and haven't dated/f--ked a lot of women?  Am I just that unattractive, despite having always had fairly- to quite-attractive girlfriends?  I also tell myself it's all pointless before I even try sometimes.  I feel like Frankenstein even though I am supposedly a great catch.  It's hard to believe that I have any value as a partner when the only woman that ever wanted me was the one I didn't want.

Right now, every woman scares me.  I don't think I can handle one at all right now and I know I am in no position to find one now, if ever.  I don't even have a sex drive anymore.  I masturbate on occasion in hopes of feeling normal, but there's really no satisfaction from it.

Maybe I'm just a big f--ked up a--hole.  Hell, sometimes I think my therapist wouldn't even tell me if I am complete whacko.  After all, from what I've come to understand, they don't tell you if you are nutcase, so as to not exacerbate the situation or trigger any drastic behavior. 

But if anyone bothered to read all this and has the expertise to advise at all, let me know what you think please.

I just typed this all out in a hurry and of course it's not my whole life explained on this one post.  It's what's on my mind right now.  It occurred to me this evening that maybe I have this completely out of whack schema and even though I feel fairly normal (or at least I did before this recent breakup) I could be living a much less strife-filled life than I need to be.

There may be a lot of typos, or even things that didn't translate with 100% precision from my brain to my word processor.  There maybe tangents or points that I didn't explain.  Feel free to ask for clarification if you are interested.

I even think you all will reject me after I've spilled my guts here.  And maybe you will.  It was hard typing that stuff out because I was afraid to share some of it.

[ambi]

Hi struggle:

You've posted a lot here.  There's a lot of self esteem issues in what you wrote.  I get you on wondering if everyone isn't going to see inside of you and run.   For me, a lot of that stuff goes back to FOO and childhood stuff.  In fact, I was just looking at John Bradshaw's "Homecoming" book this morning.

We make our definition of love when we are pretty young.  And, then we spend a lot of time trying to get some resolution to that definition later in life with our intimate partners.  If your definition is that you will be abandoned and rejected (inner belief that you are unloveable), you will unconsciously pick people or move situations so that is what happens.  The only way to change the relationship pattern is to work the FOO stuff and deal with that definition of love head on. 

Do you know the basis of the abandonment/rejection issue? 

[MaybeSo]

Well, I resonate with a lot of your post... .  and I am a 49 year old female.

I think my ex would resonate with a lot of your post, too, especially his disappointment with the world and humanity. To help with that, he has started meditating ... .  "I accept the world and all of it's conditions".  It helps.

I see myself as not PD, but I have some undeveloped parts or traits from childhood , some borderlinish... .  and some narcisstic.  These are just words to incapsulate complex ideas... I'm not really those things... .  but my schemas ... .  life patterns/beliefs/strategies to survive my upbringing have carried over into adulthood where they are less helpful.

So, I quit focusing on my ex's messed up strategies and schemas and started working on my

own.

Sounds like this is what you are starting to do, too. Congratulations.

My opinion from reading your well thought out self reflection?

You are abundantly human. There, I said it.

I commend you for the self reflection... .  it can be really hard at first, then it's kind if exciting, then it's kind of freeing.

Nice work!

[Katy-Did]

Misanthropic?  Nah... .    BPD?   Nah... .    Introspective?  Sure.  No advice to offer but I'd like to ask a question or two.  You said you moved about 8 years ago and "never really developed any meaningful relationships" except for 2 girlfriends; which I assume, incorporated a sexual component.  (1) Do/did you have any "meaningful" relationships with family members?  School chums?  Buddies?  (Platonic or Parental/Instinctive)  (2) When interacting on a "meaningful" level with another, do you assume a certain role?  Protector/Parent?  Instructional/Teacher? 

Just wondering.  Like "ambi", I too, relate to many of the thoughts you shared and appreciate your willingness to put-it-out there. 

[maria1]

Hi Struggli

I admire your honesty. Can't see any denial there but I do see an acceptance of some stuff about your life that you maybe don't like. That's pretty hard and you sound low but it certainly doesn't seem BPD.

It doesn't matter what name or classification we give ourselves. What matters is where we are and where we are trying to get to. You not wanting your girlfriend to act in certain ways that you felt weren't good for you or you r/s isn't necessarily about control in an abusive way- it's control in a codependent way and most of us have found ourselves somewhere along that line.

I think you posting on here so honestly and tenderly is great. Respect to you- I can't help liking what I see even if you don't like yourself or like the world or me.

[struggli]

Hi struggle:

You've posted a lot here.  There's a lot of self esteem issues in what you wrote.  I get you on wondering if everyone isn't going to see inside of you and run.   For me, a lot of that stuff goes back to FOO and childhood stuff.  In fact, I was just looking at John Bradshaw's "Homecoming" book this morning.

We make our definition of love when we are pretty young.  And, then we spend a lot of time trying to get some resolution to that definition later in life with our intimate partners.  If your definition is that you will be abandoned and rejected (inner belief that you are unloveable), you will unconsciously pick people or move situations so that is what happens.  The only way to change the relationship pattern is to work the FOO stuff and deal with that definition of love head on. 

Do you know the basis of the abandonment/rejection issue? 

No, it's hard to say.  When I compare my life story with my ex's it sounds like a country club.

But if I try to recall things that hurt or made me feel alone:

I was afraid of my Dad most of my childhood.  In my early years I'd cry when I'd see him because I didn't know who he was.  He worked all day and I never saw him.  When he was around more often, maybe from age 8 on, he was scary in a different way.  He was somewhat abusive -- on rare occasions physically (maybe 5 or 6 times I can remember), and more often verbally (to my siblings as well).  He'd call me names and tell me I was stupid and a p-ssy (not chronically, but enough to hurt me) usually while we were working on manly type stuff (car, house, etc).  I also spent a lot of time working on stuff with him rather than being with my friends.  As I got older and moved out, they'd always say "We promise we won't make you work on anything" after I expressed that I spent most of my teen years doing labor for them.  My Dad was all about DIY.  I learned a lot of things from it for which I am grateful, but I've also noticed I turn into a jerk when I'm working on stuff as an adult.  Even with my ex, we were renovating a house together and sometimes I'd get pissed off when she didn't understand what I was asking her to do or if she didn't seem 100% attentive or if she was wanting to stop and I didn't feel like we were at a stopping point.  I tried very hard to be conscientious of it and apologize if I got out of line.  I know apologizing for doing the same thing over and over loses its meaning eventually, so I tried to re-program myself to be a little more cool about it.

Anyway, that's not all abandonment-related, but some FOO stuff.

Other abandonment things.  Hmmmm... .  I remember crying when I went to first grade.  I went to kindergarten at Catholic school and first grade was public.  I didn't want mom to leave me there and I tried to hide my fear from everyone else so as to not be judged.  Or maybe they were making fun of me.  It was a long time ago and I don't remember exactly, but it a wasn't nice first day.  Oh, I also remember I crapped my pants in daycare because I was afraid to tell anyone I had to go to the bathroom.  So... .  maybe something happened before then that already made me shy and ashamed?

I remember the first crush I had on a girl... .  I was about 5.  I was really shy about it.  I remember I went to her birthday party and I just gave her her present and ran back to my parents and wanted to leave.  I felt like all the adults were laughing at me.  In retrospect, it's probably because they thought it was cute or something, but I was ashamed.  Plus the girl was hispanic and everyone was speaking spanish which scared me.  I felt like I was standing in the spotlight of 50 people.

My mom always nagged me about being shy and not making eye contact which I think made me feel even more awkward.  And as I got older, it was my posture.

I remember a few times when my brothers would make promises to me and never follow through.  For instance, one time I waited at school for a long time until everyone was gone.  My brother was supposed to pick me up.  So I started walking home.  It was probably about 2 or 3 miles.  When I was almost home my brother pulled up next to me yelling about how he had been looking for me.  I told him I had waited and waited and I never saw him.  Obviously he forgotten about me, showed up after I had started walking home, and was then pissed that he couldn't find me.  He yelled at me a bunch for it, pinned me down and harassed me.  Another brother kept promising me we'd go on a field trip together.  After about 20 times of my getting all excited for it and waiting for him to arrive,  I eventually gave up hope and stopped asking.  I began to believe starting with this incident (and more and more over time through experience) that people are unreliable.  When my friends back out of things, I am not surprised.  Why bother?  It just causes pain to have expectation.

I had several pets die, oftentimes while I was away on vacation.  I came to believe that my family was neglecting them while I was away and I became fearful of leaving home.  When I was around, I was the caretaker of the animals.  When one of my dogs had a stroke, I didn't want to go to school.  I wanted to stay home all day and give him the care he needed.  He couldn't stand up and go to the bathroom, so I'd help him stand so he could do his business.  When he was euthanized, I felt more grief than I ever had in my life.  I guess I always connected with animals more, even at that age (unconditional love perhaps?).  

I thought kids at school were mean.  I was picked on by my brother, my dad, and kids at school (starting at about age 10-14).  I was the smart kid who didn't wear trendy clothes and had a funny name.  I could relate to the teachers more than my classmates for the most part.  As for the bullying stuff, I told my parents, but when they offered to talk to the teachers,  I asked them not to.  I felt that the teachers/faculty didn't understand the dynamics, particularly in 7th/8th grade.  To ask to be treated better would mean to become more of a target of bullying.  Essentially, I had seen them be very ineffective at protecting other kids.  So I just learned to be as invisible as possible and laugh at abuse so as to defuse it.

Also, mom pushed me to do college level work when I was in like 2nd grade.  I remember turning in this project in a binder for 2nd grade.  Seriously.  With photo attachments and all.  And I stayed up all night working on it (maybe 2am) as my mom was neurotic about it being amazing.  Thus began my pattern for all of school.  I ended up graduating with top honors by high school.  I think I only had one B in all my twelve years of public education.  But I felt no sense of accomplishment really.  I felt detached.  I think it was an escape.  

I refused to go to college despite my credentials and fully paid tuition offers.  I ended up going back many years later and doing really well, but again, I wonder if my focus on getting good grades overshadowed the friendships I could have made and, honestly, a lot of gorgeous women that I didn't talk to because I was working full time while a full time student -- and, oh yeah, my inner shame stuff regarding my ability to be valued/loved by a woman.

At one point in childhood, someone vandalized some of our cars and I felt it was my responsibility to stay up all night watching out my bedroom windows for villains.  I think my brother told me if something happened to his car, I wouldn't get a ride to school anymore.  

I had a fear of criminals looming around all night.  I'd sit in front of the window until I couldn't anymore.  I worried a lot as a kid.

My 2 best friends moved away when I was in 5th grade, right when everyone started f--king with me.

That's all I can think of right now.

[struggli]

Well, I resonate with a lot of your post... .  and I am a 49 year old female.

I think my ex would resonate with a lot of your post, too, especially his disappointment with the world and humanity. To help with that, he has started meditating ... .  "I accept the world and all of it's conditions".  It helps.

I see myself as not PD, but I have some undeveloped parts or traits from childhood , some borderlinish... .  and some narcisstic.  These are just words to incapsulate complex ideas... I'm not really those things... .  but my schemas ... .  life patterns/beliefs/strategies to survive my upbringing have carried over into adulthood where they are less helpful.

So, I quit focusing on my ex's messed up strategies and schemas and started working on my

own.

Sounds like this is what you are starting to do, too. Congratulations.

My opinion from reading your well thought out self reflection?

You are abundantly human. There, I said it.

I commend you for the self reflection... .  it can be really hard at first, then it's kind if exciting, then it's kind of freeing.

Nice work!

There are probably other things I will remember.  In fact, I've already thought of some darker things about me... .  

But then again, I was raised very strictly by my hardcore Catholic mother, so sometimes I feel guilt about just being a human.

Thanks for your feedback. 

I'm 34 if you don't recall that from previous posts.  My ex is 21.  You kind of gave me hell for that age difference a while back (I think it was you) and maybe rightly so.  My female therapist did too.  She said "You can like younger women, but avoid the wounded ones."  Months later she backpedaled and said maybe 5 years younger would be more reasonable.  Women tell me I need to look at older women.  Guys gave me a high five when I was with my ex.  I'm not really trying to please either party.  Maybe it's an immaturity on my part. 

A 16 year old girl seemed smitten with me while I was on vacation.  She said to someone else something about how "age shouldn't matter if two people are in love" and looked at me with a huge smile.  So, maybe I am a sick SOB, but I was kind of excited by it.  And, well, I agree with her to some extent.

Oh yeah, and while I'm talking about violating social norms, I fantasized for several weeks about smashing in my ex's face with my fists until there was nothing left but a bloody mess on the pavement.  I told my T about it and she said it was normal to have angry thoughts like that so long as I didn't act upon them.  So I said, "But what about visualizing things leading to fulfilling them?"  Then she asked me if I was scared of myself.  I said I didn't know. 

I also, for quite a while, imagined shooting my boss in the back of the head while he was in his office.  No dialogue or anything.  The way some people would step on a cockroach.  Sort of like the analogy of killing Hitler if you could to save lives.  My co-workers would also tell me how they wanted to kill him.  They were quite imaginative and torturous ideas sometimes.   Even customers would tell me how much they hated him.  One customer told me someone should drive a work truck and slam him into a wall and say it was an accident.  I never told any of them I felt the same way, although they knew I didn't like him one bit.  I just nodded and listened and even told myself if one of them tried to kill him I would just walk the other way until it was all over.  When my boss came to work one day and it looked like someone had beaten the f--k out of him, I was so happy.

[struggli]

Misanthropic?  Nah... .    BPD?   Nah... .    Introspective?  Sure.  No advice to offer but I'd like to ask a question or two.  You said you moved about 8 years ago and "never really developed any meaningful relationships" except for 2 girlfriends; which I assume, incorporated a sexual component.  (1) Do/did you have any "meaningful" relationships with family members?  School chums?  Buddies?  (Platonic or Parental/Instinctive)  (2) When interacting on a "meaningful" level with another, do you assume a certain role?  Protector/Parent?  Instructional/Teacher? 

Just wondering.  Like "ambi", I too, relate to many of the thoughts you shared and appreciate your willingness to put-it-out there. 

Yes, they were sexual/romantic relationships.

1.  I don't feel close with my family much anymore.  I always feel closer with a girlfriend than with anyone else.  My brother lives here.  He and I were quite close for a while.  He said a couple things that hurt me when we first lived together.  But we still remained together.  I have detached from him in the last year or so because my ex didn't like him after our 2nd huge breakup.  And he has become a trigger for me since the last breakup 6 months ago.  I feel like I can't evolve as a person because he always expects me to be the me he thinks he understands(... .  if that makes sense).  My high school friends live in other states and barely communicate.  I understand, they are married, etc.  Plus I've spent the last 2 years venting about my relationship to them. 

2.  With friends, I really don't know anymore because I really don't have any.  From the choices you've given... .  I'd say to some degree all of those with regard to romantic girlfriends.  For the most part I seem to have more worldly experience/understanding than them.  Also, with co-workers, they all come to me for advice/knowledge related things, even older guys.  Otherwise, my interactions are mostly just silly jokes/banter/etc, not really getting to know anyone.  I don't care about sports or politics which eliminates most source of conversation with males. 

I feel like if I had my loving SO by my side, all these concerns would diminish.  But is that "hoping she will be the solution to all my problems?"  My T said to make myself happy in every other regard before I find a woman.  Hell, that may take my whole life. 

Oh yeah, I also have this ever-impending sense of running out of time. 

[struggli]

Hi Struggli

I admire your honesty. Can't see any denial there but I do see an acceptance of some stuff about your life that you maybe don't like. That's pretty hard and you sound low but it certainly doesn't seem BPD.

It doesn't matter what name or classification we give ourselves. What matters is where we are and where we are trying to get to. You not wanting your girlfriend to act in certain ways that you felt weren't good for you or you r/s isn't necessarily about control in an abusive way- it's control in a codependent way and most of us have found ourselves somewhere along that line.

I think you posting on here so honestly and tenderly is great. Respect to you- I can't help liking what I see even if you don't like yourself or like the world or me.

Thanks maria.

So would a better way to have handled the clothing thing been to (a) try to not let it bother me or (b) be rigid and firm and walk away from the relationship?  I tried to express myself, but I still loved her and wanted to be with her.  What would have been a healthy way to handle it?

[struggli]

Another thing that really has me messed up with women is it seems like there are so many cheaters.  Probably half the women I have met with sexual attraction have wanted an affair.  Even my brother's wife hinted that she wanted to have sex with me.

Should I give up my ideas of monogamy?  Are they maladaptive?

[FindingMe2011]

 why i have BPD:    

  Feel free to ask for clarification if you are interested    

  I even think you all will reject me after I've spilled my guts here.  And maybe you will.  It was hard typing that stuff out because I was afraid to share some of it  

 Thanks for your feedback.    

   Kuddos to you, you made it to rock bottom. Its not so scary after all, is it?... .  BPD doesnt make it this far. You want an opinion, strong DPD traits, with a twist of NPD traits, and its not the end of the world. We are dealt and given tools, from others, whom were also doing their best. Just as you are right now.  We are human, and by nature make mistakes. The more lessons we can learn, the healthier we become... .  So what do you do, now?... .  I wish you well, PEACE

[struggli]

 why i have BPD:    

  Feel free to ask for clarification if you are interested    

  I even think you all will reject me after I've spilled my guts here.  And maybe you will.  It was hard typing that stuff out because I was afraid to share some of it  

 Thanks for your feedback.    

   Kuddos to you, you made it to rock bottom. Its not so scary after all, is it?... .  BPD doesnt make it this far. You want an opinion, strong DPD traits, with a twist of NPD traits, and its not the end of the world. We are dealt and given tools, from others, whom were also doing their best. Just as you are right now.  We are human, and by nature make mistakes. The more lessons we can learn, the healthier we become... .  So what do you do, now?... .  I wish you well, PEACE

I don't know if I've hit bottom.  I still miss her and I still blame myself, for how could I lose someone so dear to me?

And with dpd, do you mean depressive or dependent or depersonalization?

[FindingMe2011]

  I don't know if I've hit bottom.   

Well, its a place you never hit before, anyways. Take that as progress, I see it, even though you cant feel it, yet, but you will... .  Lean into this brutal honesty, just as you have in this thread. This is no magic pill, and the roller coaster is cranking up again. This time though, you have the best tool possible, Truth.

  I still miss her   

  As you should. A loss, is a loss, is a loss, and its going to hurt. The goal is not to stop the hurting,(with a band-aid) but to accept it, in a way that is peaceful, and fair to the both of you. When you accept it, in this way that is fair,( right now your beating yourself up, and somewhat taking the victim role, remembering your freshest cut) the hurt magically dissipates, in a healthy way, a place from indifference. The way you process this hurt,(being fair to yourself) and your ability to see it for what it was, the good, the bad, and the ugly, in a truthful way, will lead the way. Be open to change in your truth, as you go. It will feel right, and you will "know", but dont be so ignorant, to think this cant change. I did.

   I still blame myself   

   Just as you always have. This is what you learned, and today you take responsibility, but that child ended up learning some things unjustly, from some others, that were also doing their best, and it is, what it is.  Its time to forgive this child, nurture this child, and put the fears and emotions, in their proper place.

  for how could I lose someone so dear to me?   

Re read your posts, it explains a lot, if you let it. Associate your pain with your childhood, this is closer to the origin, than your ex is... .  For emotional growth to take place, suffering through abandonment depression is necessary. The more times I do this, in a healthy way, the less the pain becomes.  Its OK to have a wide spectrum of thoughts, and should give you, some insight to the power of your subconscious. The problems arise, when one decides to act out on these thoughts.

  And with dpd, do you mean depressive or dependent or depersonalization?     

   I remember feeling all 3. Know one day, all 3 with work, can leave your life, for the most part... .  DPD (Dependent Personality Disorder) is actually the clinical term for co-dependency.

[KellyO]

There was a lot of good stuff, but only one thing I really want to comment (and I think I'm capable to comment). Any man who would try to tell me what to wear, or whom to see, would get what he deserves. Now, I see in your post why you were bothered. The answer is never to tell to another adult person what to do with her life. If she wants to mess it, let her. If she dresses like a... .  hm... .  you know, walk away. You deserve person who does not do that. But maybe you actually liked that about her... .  you just did not like other men to see this side of her? Neither could I cut the abusive side of my ex, and take only the nice side.

We are codependents, and that is what we do: stick our noses to places where it does not belong. Fix things. Fix people. Tell them what to do for their own good. Even blind person can see your exGf had some nasty stuff going on there, but she was an adult, and you are not her daddy. This is the hard lesson for us to learn. Take care of our own business. It can take years to learn. We have so deep rooted belief that we are responsible for what other people do. So we better watch out they do what we tell them to, and we know better, always! We definitely have some Narsistic traits ( I struggle with mine right now, after I realized how NPD my mother is, and I gotta be aware what I have learnt from there). But unlike real narsissists, we get rid of them when we realise what  our real motivations are. Because they are not unselfish and altruistic. Our lesson is accepting other people are what they are, for their own reasons. We can't, and we are not ALLOWED to change them. Only they are. And now, after writing that hypocritic sentence, I can go on sulking about my disordered ex  

[FindingMe2011]

  And now, after writing that hypocritical sentence, I can go on sulking about my disordered ex     

   It all starts somewhere.