What keeps you stuck suffering?

[GreenMango]

The leaving board has a set of lessons-the main theme... .  

Attachment Leads to Suffering Detachment Leads to Freedom

So this a process, yet sometimes we can get stuck and not get to the "Freedom" part.

What is the thing keeping you stuck?  Is there something you can't just seem to let go of?

It could be anything - confusion about the disorder, depression, questioning if your person ever loved you, anger... .  

And do you have a plan to address it?

[daintrovert13]

What keeps me stuck... is her ability to not being able to CHERISH what we have/had.

There are certain things I can never repeat with another because it was special and sacred to us.

She even took our unborn baby's name and simply moved it to the other relationship.

We came up with that name together for our daughter  :'(

[freshlySane]

Mine is did she ever love me all signs point to no i don't even believe that her BPD symptoms mirrored love i think i was just used plain and simple. it gives me comfort because now i can see her as just a user and not someone who loved me and dismissed me because i triggered her abandonment but it hurts to know you have been duped this whole time.

[cal644]

How big of list can i make... .  ... .  mine are did she ever love me?  How could she throw it all away? How can she not cherish the good times? How could she leave for someone she met only once? How did I get painted black? How could have I not seen all the signs (they were all there) before I knew about BPD?  How can she let go so easily after 19 yrs?  The list goes on and on... .  The questions I ask myself - why would I want to go back to that hell?  Why do I only think of the good times and can't remember the bad?  Why can't I let go? etc... .  the list goes on and on

[Discarded26]

How big of list can i make... .  ... .  mine are did she ever love me?  How could she throw it all away? How can she not cherish the good times? How could she leave for someone she met only once? How did I get painted black? How could have I not seen all the signs (they were all there) before I knew about BPD?  How can she let go so easily after 19 yrs?  The list goes on and on... .  The questions I ask myself - why would I want to go back to that hell?  Why do I only think of the good times and can't remember the bad?  Why can't I let go? etc... .  the list goes on and on

I totally get that, feel the same 

Think I'm doing well for 3 weeks in, just hurts big time

[cal644]

the suffering sucks - I also ask myself If I'm mentally ill for even wanted to stay - something has to be wrong with me - or maybe I just think I can help assemble her life... .  but then I realize it's like trying to put a puzzle together that's missing a bunch of pieces that will forever be lost

[charred]

I think I know why we keep suffering... .  or at least why I have... .  though I don't know of any other explanation that covers the intensity of the attachment.

I have been digging in to questions that gnaws at me... .  Why was it so intense?... and Why did I have so much trouble breaking free of her? And the answers I came up with, are ... .  really disturbing.

In my case, my mom was cold and detached, her mother died when she was 5 yrs old, and her dad left not long after to be in WW2... so she had real deep attachment issues. So as a little kid my mom wasn't very unconditionally loving, in fact she was kind of distant. We moved every 3-4 yrs and I would lose all my friends and have to start over, and after a while I just kept people at a distance, like you would in a business relationship... .  cordial, but not close enough for it to hurt anyone when you move on... .  and not close enough to be true intimacy at all.

My pwBPD came along and ignored my boundaries that kept people at arms length... and seemed perfect to me... and she idealized me (at first)... and I was smitten. To me... I think deep down it was unconditional love at last.  Then I was confused by the clinging phase, as I had no intention of ever leaving her, and then devastated when she abruptly left me.

The devastation wasn't like a typical girlfriend breakup... had plenty of those, no big deal, it was devastation... .  like losing your mother... and I didn't get over it. I moved away to keep from being suicidal or homicidal (she showed up dating my next door neighbor, when we had been planning to be married a few weeks before)... and it was a good 10 yrs before I functioned normally ... settled down, married. Then some 27 yrs after we had dated... she contacted me on FB and within a month we were back together, I was getting a divorce... and the bad stuff in the r/s started up again.

I am normally very level headed... .  but with her I wasn't... .  and she didn't rate any special consideration, all I can figure is that she slipped in to that spot where a good mother should have been... and from some kind of cockeyed transference thing... .  I attached to her out of my need, like someone would a mother. She was not nice to me much of the time, bossed me around, acted morally high and mighty, and I seemed to hang on her every word. Then I would sometimes step back for a second and have a moment of clarity and think ... What the heck? But the idea that maybe she was so deeply attached to me... .  not because it was true love, but because deep down I was truly needy and she seemed like what I needed (a loving mother)... .  has creeped me out and is disturbing, after all I slept with her as much as I could, and it was intense.

Now if I were the only one with this way out of proportion response to their pwBPD... .  I would just be embarrassed. The stories on these boards, the intensity of the relationships, the devastation when they end abruptly... .  I am afraid I am on to the true origin of it all, and it isn't just the pwBPD that is acting with the emotional maturity of a 3 yr old... .  we are right there with them... .  and the relationship is primal! Not my favorite revelation.

[charred]

And a further thought... .  my exBPDgf... .  didn't see herself as a mother figure... she clearly saw the r/s differently than I did. She wanted  a caretaker, someone that would protect her, love her unconditionally, support her, and never get mad at her. Which also kind of sounds like a good mom... now that I think of it... .  anyway it was a needs based mismatch that wreaked a lot of havoc.

I would like to understand the pwBPD's view of the r/s better... .  but whatever it is, they don't see it like we do.

[almost789]

I still love him. That's what keeps me stuck. Damn, I wish he would verbally rage at me, call me names, and/or physically abuse me so I couldn't love him.

[lost007]

I'm stuck because she keeps contacting me. Admitting fault. Seeking help. Her sexuality. Her seeming longing and desire for me. Then the rage. Accusation. Paranoia. Lack of respect for boundaries. The realization that I will lose everything if I returned to her is the only thing that keeps me away. My friends, family, colleagues all know I have filed for divorce and support that. None of them know that she is in my ear constantly. Asking for sex. Offering sexual favors to me. Pleading for me not to go through with divorce. I guess its all push/pull. Craziness. I'm thankful she is still acting out. Pray for strength to get me through another month til divorce is final. Pray I can escape the enormous pull of the vacuum referred to as ~. She didn't coldly leave me. I left her-but not before begging and pleading for the abuse to stop. It was too much. I have to remember it-otherwise I'm  in trouble.

[FindingMe2011]

How big of list can i make... .  ... .  mine are did she ever love me?  How could she throw it all away? How can she not cherish the good times? How could she leave for someone she met only once? How did I get painted black? How could have I not seen all the signs (they were all there) before I knew about BPD?  How can she let go so easily after 19 yrs?  The list goes on and on... .  The questions I ask myself - why would I want to go back to that hell?  Why do I only think of the good times and can't remember the bad?  Why can't I let go? etc... .  the list goes on and on

  the suffering sucks - I also ask myself If I'm mentally ill for even wanted to stay - something has to be wrong with me - or maybe I just think I can help assemble her life... .  but then I realize it's like trying to put a puzzle together that's missing a bunch of pieces that will forever be lost   

cal,

  I  understand where you are coming from. I spent 12 1/2 yrs, with uBPDexw. You need to start fragmenting some of this, and slowly and methodically, start to pull the cobwebs off.  Look at all the questions, you are asking?  Im sure you have read about, the majority of these questions, yet it doesnt compute. This is brain overload, an attempt of your subconscious, to protect your conscious... .  Mentally ill, co-dependent, baggage, issues, or however one needs to package it, to be able to look at it. Solving these problems is the ultimate goal, but there is a process to get there, in a healthier way. You are not going to be able to, think your way through this. You will need to equally, feel your way through this also... .  I wish you well, PEACE

[KellyO]

I don't think I'm stuck anymore, but it is too early to be sure yet 

What kept me stuck was my deep rooted beliefs.

1. People who use me, do it because they care about me.

2. They just don't see how much I love them, so if I just make it more clear and give more, they will understand me.

3. Shame of failing yet another r/s.

4. Belief I can fix him, or fix myself to be able to be with him.

1 and 2 feed eachother. And as you can see, it is all about me, not him. Me being stuck is not his fault.

This beliefs were so hard to find it is unbelievable. Finding them was a miracle.

[Elsegundo]

I think for me it is wondering if she was trying or wasn't, was too damaged by her ex to really openly give to us.  To her, having an open conversation was sometimes the worst thing!  I just don't know what happened.  Sometimes she'd give me answers randomly, but at the end when we were to talk about what happened, she said she wouldn't talk about anything that happened as closure "that's something you give yourself".  Was that b/c of pain?  B/c she was trying to hurt me?  It shouldn't matter why, but not knowing keeps me stuck.

And I'm stuck b/c of the trauma bond.  

She's the first woman I've truly wanted to move in with, marry, have kids with.  And I'm not a spring chicken.  I really saw it happening.  

Interestingly, the thought of a kid seeing her behavior is exactly why I broke up with her.  But I still vascillate, thinking the treatment she's in would help.  I think that keeps me stuck sometimes.

[trouble11]

I think what keeps me stuck is the "How could I have been this stupid?" thought.  I left my business, walked away from my house, left my friends, ended up selling everything I'd worked for, moved 1300 miles back to my hometown, rented a house I couldn't afford, (because he was going to e here), and ended up selling my plane.  Now I'm alone, broke, and stressed out beyond belief.  I trashed a really great life and he walked away like it was nothing.  I have 5.5 years into this, he lived with me from July 2012 till Oct 2012 and left to recycle an ex because he felt "guilty" for leaving HER.  He then got caught lying to her within a month, and two days later found her replacement. 

[gina louise]

a couple of things keep/kept me stuck... .  

A deeply buried belief that I was at the bottom of it all, Unlovable, and that since I HAD someone I had better hang on at all costs and prove my worth. Related to my FOO, naturally.

A lack of dx/proof. That confused me. He was kind, calm and considerate to others, just not to me!

This kept me believing that maybe it was MY "fault" and that I brought out the worst in him-while others didn't.

I finally saw him denigrating innocent co-workers (even some with serious problems!) stbxBPDhhibiting zero empathy, and he began acting out erratically at work as well as home. I'm surprised he didn't get fired. He got moved-not fired.

The (vain) hope that he could see his behavior, and work to change it... .  like any normal partner.

He quit raging for a while-but it was all buried. He finally let me have it, at the end.

GL

[gettingoverit]

I don't think I am "suffering" per say, but one of the things that has got me still attached is my anger towards her and myself. I am angry at myself for allowing her to treat me the way she did continuously. I am angry because I did not listen to my gut instinct when I started dating her. I didn't listen to some of the red flags that were being presented and I paid dearly for it in the end. I am still quite livid at how she chose to conduct herself on the way out the door, with her lying and property damage as well as hooking up with my now ex-friend. And mostly I am angry that it appears there is no justice or karma for this woman. She just got to merrily move on with her next host and start all over again with better circumstances, while I was left carrying the proverbial ___ bag.

[Sunshinegirl3275]

I'm angry because he changed the locks and will not give me the rest of my stuff back without a battle. After his suicide threat when I left and having the SWAT team come in that night, I will not battle with this man again. I feel like I haven't had the closure I deserve because I gave him everything back - including my engagement ring and expensive lap-top. It's a roller-coaster ride of emotions every day.

My life feels so empty right now and I'm angry at myself for making him the center of my universe too. I don't play the victim very well, but I just feel sorry for myself today.

I'm doing all the right things and moving on with my life, but sometimes one little thing just pulls you back to suffering again. BUT I AM FREE!

Thanks for letting me vent. 

[FindingMe2011]

I'm angry because he changed the locks and will not give me the rest of my stuff back without a battle. After his suicide threat when I left and having the SWAT team come in that night, I will not battle with this man again. I feel like I haven't had the closure I deserve because I gave him everything back - including my engagement ring and expensive lap-top. It's a roller-coaster ride of emotions every day.

My life feels so empty right now and I'm angry at myself for making him the center of my universe too. I don't play the victim very well, but I just feel sorry for myself today.

I'm doing all the right things and moving on with my life, but sometimes one little thing just pulls you back to suffering again. BUT I AM FREE!

Thanks for letting me vent. 

I suggest you start your own thread sunshine. You will find it much more beneficial. i wish you well, PEACE