Unable to move on, feel unhappy

[sam-2012]

Hello to everyone,

4 months NC. I still experience ups and downs daily and during the day. I do not feel well the last couple of days. I was at a bar and I show a woman coming in, walking and immediately going out. I can bet that it was her from the way she was walking (didn't see her face). I was upset for days. Then one day a friend (not close friend) told me that he saw her and she spoke to him. He did not recognize her so she told him "I am HER NAME who was with MY NAME once".

I cannot say if these things made me get obsessive over her but I am. I feel angry with her or miss the good moments daily. The relationship ended without me saying some stuff that I still keep inside me related to her abusive behaviour. On the other side I feel guilt for the nasty stuff I did to her (yes I did nasty stuff too). Sometimes I believe that it would be good to speak with her just for 10 minutes and receive an apology from her and give one to her too. Possibly this would make me feel free and move on which I' am unable to do so far even though I have flirted and have sex with other women so far after the brake up. Guilt, anger and rumination  keep me back there.

On the other hand I do not think that this is a good idea (speaking to her), possibly she won’t give this apology, or I will feel weird or down cause I will see her. For those that do not know my story, she abused me, abused me, recycled multiple times, abused me, and we ended up having a big argument with physical violence during the days her mother was dying.

So I carry lots of guilt for this. I am also angry at her because she really abused me. Last days I’ve lost my sleep, I am anxious/nervous and my job which includes night shifts contributes to this too. I really like to move on and detach which I haven’t since I still ruminate or I am angry with her. Since the brake up I was active almost everyday, I was going out with friends, work hard e.t.c but I don't have any urge the last days cause I do not see any meaning since there are days which I really  feel unhappy and believe that I will never love again. So what I do to detach and continue my life? Any suggestions?

[charred]

I have my own theory that goes a bit farther than most on the board... .  I was of the opinion that what I had with my pwBPD was "true love", but it wasn't, yet I couldn't get over it... 30 yrs later, still not. So she is disordered... .  why would it affect me so bad.

Its worse than that... .  I have been digging in to a questions that gnaws at me... .  Why was it so intense?... and Why did I have so much trouble breaking free of her? And the answers I came up with, are ... .  really disturbing.

In my case, my mom was cold and detached, her mother died when she was 5 yrs old, and her dad left not long after to be in WW2... so she had real deep attachment issues. So as a little kid my mom wasn't very unconditionally loving, in fact she was kind of distant. We moved every 3-4 yrs and I would lose all my friends and have to start over, and after a while I just kept people at a distance, like you would in a business relationship... .  cordial, but not close enough for it to hurt anyone when you move on... .  and not close enough to be true intimacy at all.

My pwBPD came along and ignored my boundaries that kept people at arms length... and seemed perfect to me... and she idealized me (at first)... and I was smitten. To me... I think deep down it was unconditional love at last.  Then I was confused by the clinging phase, as I had no intention of ever leaving her, and then devastated when she abruptly left me.

The devastation wasn't like a typical girlfriend breakup... had plenty of those, no big deal, it was devastation... .  like losing your mother... and I didn't get over it. I moved away to keep from being suicidal or homicidal (she showed up dating my next door neighbor, when we had been planning to be married a few weeks before)... and it was a good 10 yrs before I functioned normally ... settled down, married. Then some 27 yrs after we had dated... she contacted me on FB and within a month we were back together, I was getting a divorce... and the bad stuff in the r/s started up again.

I am normally very level headed... .  but with her I wasn't... .  and she didn't rate any special consideration, all I can figure is that she slipped in to that spot where a good mother should have been... and from some kind of cockeyed transference thing... .  I attached to her out of my need, like someone would a mother. She was not nice to me much of the time, bossed me around, acted morally high and mighty, and I seemed to hang on her every word. Then I would sometimes step back for a second and have a moment of clarity and think ... What the heck? But the idea that maybe she was so deeply attached to me... .  not because it was true love, but because deep down I was truly needy and she seemed like what I needed (a loving mother)... .  has creeped me out and is disturbing. I slept with her and it was intense... but I was distracted by good looks.

Now if I were the only one with this way out of proportion response to their pwBPD... .  I would just be embarrassed. The stories on these boards, the intensity of the relationships, the devastation when they end abruptly... .  I am afraid I am on to the true origin of it all, and it isn't just the pwBPD that is acting with the emotional maturity of a 3 yr old... .  we are right there with them! Not my favorite revelation.

IF this is the case... what do you do to move on? Well, your ego is very involved, and many people have had good results with mindfulness meditation... .  as it helps to let go of the rumination that has you going over this r/s again and again. Eckart Tolle's book "A New Earth" is a good intro to mindfulness and has exercises that can help. There is another highly recommended book "Feeling Good" that is about using cognitive behavior tools to work out of depression and get back to feeling good. A therapist is probably your best bet... .  a normal breakup hurts, and you move on, especially after you sleep with another person you typically are well on your way... .  but with a pwBPD... the tie can go on and on, for me its 30 yrs and still present. From reading and therapy I think I understand why its still there, but I haven't broke free of it yet. It isn't crippling me anymore either... thanks to therapy.

Hope that helps. I have been where you are, many if not most of us have.

[hithere]

I think part of the problem with BPD relationships is there is never proper closure. I remember my therapist explaining that losing a parent you had a good relationship is much easier than losing one you have a poor relationship with and I think that goes the same for BPD relationships.

Since they live in a different reality you can never have proper closure on what happened and why.  You just have to eventually accept the fact that you will never have this closure in order to move on.

[Rose Tiger]

Good posts by charred an hithere.  We do deserve an apology, they rarely come from a person with BPD.  They may feel remorse but once it goes through the BPD filter it comes out as abuse.

Abuse, abuse and more abuse, leads to Adrenal Fatigue.  So you might be dealing with that and recovery from PTSD.  It's takes some time.  Rest, eat well, get lots of sleep. 

Here's a link about Adrenal Fatigue, www.naturalnews.com/019339_adrenal_fatigue_chronic_stress.html

I would be stressed too, if I saw the ex and heard what you heard from your friend.    Detachment can be a one day at a time thing, it's working towards acceptance.  It's some rough going at times.

[sam-2012]

Thanks for the replies,

The same goes for me charred i experienced something similar in my childhood.

Well we know at least where  the problem is, that's a very good start.

Someone once told me that if you know where the problem is, then you have solved the half of it!

hithere, i decided finally not to discuss anything with her. it is pointless, at the end of the day am I going to believe what she 'll say ? NO. You are right, it is imposible to have closure.

Rose Tiger, i believe that Adrenal Fatigue is the issue with me. except of the brake up, i work on night shifts in my job which are exausting some times. I need rest.

Thank you people, i needed your answers, was bit confused.

[SarahinMA]

I told my T that all I wanted was for him to acknowledge, to some degree, the pain he had caused... .  a simple apology.  The T told me that I would never get one from my ex.  He was in complete self-preservation mode, protecting himself from my greed and my eventual abandonment.  To him, what is there to apologize for? 

I seriously seriously doubt that my ex feels any empathy towards my pain.  He sees what he wants to see and hears what he wants to hear.  Since the end, he never once asked how I was doing- he just assumed I was so much happier without him. 

I just hope one day I will be able to let go all of my hopes and dreams that I had with him.  When I walk by our favorite restaurant, my heart won't drop.  I just don't know if that will ever happen.