Just another day in BPD world

[somuchlove]

3 days ago I got a phone call from my sobbing BPD dd.  She hasn't really communicated with me as you know in previous posts.  She caught her bf cheating as far as some pretty nuts text from another lady.  not that anything physical is going on.  She also feels he is back to taking some drugs.  She is just  devastated as would be expected.  However,  I know that she has been difficult to deal with for him.   Now she wants to move back here for awhile and ex, father of her 2 other children is moving to another state and she plans to join him end of summer.  She is begging my other dd to come out and be with her.  Other dd said she sounds pretty reasonable on the phone about plans.  :)oesn't know whether to go or not.  Is this just another crisis or not.  It is hard, drives me crazy , kids from different dads, moving all over.  I guess I liked the world where everyone lived in the same house, came home at night and had dinner and did the normal family things.  Not anymore rarely does this happen.  

I don't mind if my dd comes to live with us this summer, however she has to know that we can't afford move her here, really, we can't afford to move her to the other state.  She will move here without a job.  She has lots to plan out.  I need to work hard at validating, yet somehow let her know that I know she can figure it out.  We are here for her and will help but... .   she is in charge.  Sometimes I worry she will take this as a rejection.  I also know that she needs to figure out how to get through these things without the panic and anxiety.  She will repeat and repeat... .   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[peaceplease]

Somuchlove,

It is a rarity these days for all the children in household to have same parents.  And, to be married!  With that being said, I can't say much, as I divorced my first husband.   And, re-married when my children were in their teens.  Both of my children have the same parents.  They are both estranged from my exh. 

My gs, child of my uBPDd, has two siblings(that are acknowledged) that have different mothers.  There is another older child that was never acknowledged unitl later in his life.(sixteen)  He lives in another country.     

Do you think tht your dd may change her mind in a few days?  Isn't her relationship with bf quite volatile?  Does she want your other dd to move out there until she comes to stay with you?   Does your other dd have an occupation that would be easy to find emloyment where she moves?  What are you dd's plans?

Can you tell her that you would love to have her with you.  Adding, if she has money set aside for the move.  Why would she take it as rejection, if you can afford to fund her move?  You are not rejecting.  You are just not able to finance her move.  Let her know that you look forward to seeing her and children.

 

peaceplease

[somuchlove]

Thanks for your response peaceplease.  My nonbb can only go there for a little while to give morel support.  It is hard for my BPD dd to work a lot as she has the little one and then does lots of taking and picking up her other two because their dad, who is suppose to be doing more doesn't and i feel he should reimburse her but she doesn't want to cause waves. 

The hard part in this situation, and I know I can't change it or control it is dd over exaggerates, fixates, etc as BPD's do and so sometimes i worry I don't sound for real  as things aren't always as she protrays  them.  I hear the worest.  It sure would make me feel better if I knew.  Grandma bf's mom, has bought baby lots of clothes, which I didn't know until she mentioned the cute things she had gotten.  Of course in my dd's eyes, she is a horrible person, doesn't want to spend time with her gd, etc etc.  This is so not true.  I get so frustrated because I know until my dd gets help she will always have battles no matter who she is with or where she is because this is how she views the world.  UGH ! !   I just don't know what do say... .   

[qcarolr]

somuchlove -

Can you step back a bit from all these demands from you D? My mind is running in circles trying to make sense out of the 'plan' you share here. Leaving her bf - nonDD going there - she and all 3 kids coming to be with you - going to follow exh to his new location... .  

How is the custody set up with the two gsons? Does the exh have primary custody, so she feels she has to follow him around the country forever to be near her sons? What about the bf's rights as the gd's daddy, and the other gmom that lives close by there?

Could DD be making a lot of assumptions on how she thinks her life 'should be' - based on her current emotional distress with falling out withbf? Given another week - will things be going in a different direction?

I have learned, well am still learning, that if I can push my 'pause' button and wait - my DD26 will shift directions and all my careful plans become worthless. And I am tired from lack of sleep and distracted thinking. I wish I had some magic words to share for you - I will sleep on this thread to let my vertigo subside.  

I hope you can take this with the mild attempt at humor I intend. Sometimes we take life too serious in the moment.

qcr  

[somuchlove]

  qcarolr,  Yes I took it with humor. thanks

That is the way we need to look at it, not that it isn't serious and painful a lot of the time, but when we can step back and listen we have to help each other to see how crazy we sound sometimes.

Actually, even though my dd was devastated and things in her world seem to be falling apart, last week anyway,  I felt a little guilt for not being so devastated with her.  My heart hearts for her, but I know that this is another storm in her life.  I maybe am finally realizing that the sun does come up, there may be days when I fall apart as well but I do have to enjoy all the good things.  I am not old but at an age of retirement in the next few years.  If I spend it constantly worrying, etc it will affect my health, etc. 

Soo  I will love her, work hard at finding the words to help.  I will welcome her with open arms if her choice is such to move here for awhile. 

I will need these wonderful people here to continue to guide me, keep me straight in my thinking. 

Yes, my dd needs to think of custody, etc.  I am waiting for her to think this through.  I am going to try very hard to listen, and understand but not " try and make it all better for her".  she is a smart person.  If she gets mad at me for not telling her what to do I will try to remember that it is not me it is because she doesn't like her situation.

She posted on face book last night, I noticed,  asking the question,  So do you follow your heart or your head when things are falling apart.  Interesting the answers she has gotten.  I have not posted anything.