Closure

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Closure

  1.  Separation.  -- what follows is vanilla approximations of phones calls from hundreds of miles away

  2.  Me:  Offer of mutual and independent therapy to heal and grow back together

  3.  Her: I want a legal separation agreement this week.  It's over.  You suck.

  4.  Her later that first week:  I am seeing someone else.

  5.  Her two days after that:  I had sex with him

  6.  Me:  You suck!  You did a, b, c and every other letter!  I demand admissions!  I demand closure from you!

  7.  Her:  See?  See how bad you suck?  You suck so bad!  You suck, and he is grand.  I pity you, you poor, poor man.  Close the door yourself.

  8.  Repeat 6 & 7 a few times

  9.  Me:  ARG!  Ugh.  Oof.  Sigh.  OK - I close the door, sadly.  Put it to rest.  Peace & sadness, but OK.

 10.  Her:  Knock, knock - Oh Honey... .   I love you, I forgive you (well, except for that one thing), we can make this work... .  

 11.  Me:  Um, Huh?  Uh... .  gosh, um... .  gee

 12.  Her next day:  I did this and that today, how are you doing?  Oh that is so good.  Why if you were only like this before.  See how we can make it?  Gosh you are so cute and smart... .   This is the man I knew and fell in love with... .  

 12.  Me:  Well, maybe - door cracks open

 13.  Her:  Adoring eyes, sweet sing song voice, laughter, admissions of guilt and BPD, expressions of love - I hear some things I have prayed for years to hear from her

 14.  Her Sister:  Uh, Michael - you do know she has breakfast each morning with the man she lives with, kisses him goodbye as he goes to work, and then calls you... .  

Up to me to close the door.  I closed the door.  I opened the door.  Up to me to close the door again.

Closure... .  

[morningagain]

Closure

  1.  Separation.  -- what follows is vanilla approximations of phones calls from hundreds of miles away

  2.  Me:  Offer of mutual and independent therapy to heal and grow back together

  3.  Her: I want a legal separation agreement this week.  It's over.  You suck.

  4.  Her later that first week:  I am seeing someone else.

  5.  Her two days after that:  I had sex with him

  6.  Me:  You suck!  You did a, b, c and every other letter!  I demand admissions!  I demand closure from you!

  7.  Her:  See?  See how bad you suck?  You suck so bad!  You suck, and he is grand.  I pity you, you poor, poor man.  Close the door yourself.

  8.  Repeat 6 & 7 a few times

  9.  Me:  ARG!  Ugh.  Oof.  Sigh.  OK - I close the door, sadly.  Put it to rest.  Peace & sadness, but OK.

 10.  Her:  Knock, knock - Oh Honey... .   I love you, I forgive you (well, except for that one thing), we can make this work... .  

 11.  Me:  Um, Huh?  Uh... .  gosh, um... .  gee

 12.  Her next day:  I did this and that today, how are you doing?  Oh that is so good.  Why if you were only like this before.  See how we can make it?  Gosh you are so cute and smart... .   This is the man I knew and fell in love with... .  

 12.  Me:  Well, maybe - door cracks open

 13.  Her:  Adoring eyes, sweet sing song voice, laughter, admissions of guilt and BPD, expressions of love - I hear some things I have prayed for years to hear from her

 14.  Her Sister:  Uh, Michael - you do know she has breakfast each morning with the man she lives with, kisses him goodbye as he goes to work, and then calls you... .  

Up to me to close the door.  I closed the door.  I opened the door.  Up to me to close the door again.

Closure... .  

[tuum est61]

Yep, where's a closing the door emoticon when you need one.  

It was funny how you put this together Michael - as tragic as it is - so thanks for sharing. 

[morningagain]

Yep, where's a closing the door emoticon when you need one.  

It was funny how you put this together Michael - as tragic as it is - so thanks for sharing.  

tuum, thanks Brother,

I got stuck trying to close the door or leave it open - back and forth.  Finally I had to decide not to decide.  I will not provide an answer to her, or myself.  It is too confusing, and besides, I was flip-flopping.  I just do not engage the discussion or the thoughts.  Presently, I have closed the door on this question.

I have not lived with my own values in place and holding boundaries for more than a few days.  Just started not that long ago digging deep for what my values were.  Barely started practicing holding a few minor boundaries.  This is what I am concentrating on.  As a result, my work productivity has finally just started picking up a very little.  I have deep peace in my heart for some things I have been conflicted on for a very long time.  I recently identified two key deep-rooted core wounds from my childhood, bringing them out into the daylight.  Turns out they have resulted in dysfunction in my life for a very long time.  Those wounds/dysfunctions fused with her issues and resulted in a chain reaction and utter destruction.  I have work to do!

Presently, I am my wife's friend, and she is mine.  By staying out of a few little triangles she has presented, I have held my boundaries with her.  I am actively choosing to not be her rescuer, nor her victim, not her persecutor.  By not triggering her and by not engaging or getting triggered or triggering myself, she is opening up.  :)oes that mean there is hope?  For her to grow yes, but I do not control her outcome.  For the marriage?  That is too far off to be a question.  There are too many unanswered questions just with me alone.  I do know that if painted into a corner and given an ultimatum, I would calmly answer no.  I was working on my "deal breakers" list while working on my issues while super-computer-analyzing in my head everything I have learned while endlessly absorbing new information while flip-flopping on "undecided/NO/undecided/NO/I can do this/ARE YOU NUTS?/undecided/NO... .  " when my brain blew a fuse and just went a bit numb with disparate thoughts floating around.  :)id this a few times.  Then the work I was doing on me catalyzed within me and I realized there are only two answers right now: NO or "I do not know".  It occurred to me that I did not need to make a decision right now as long as I could face my fear that she would close the door and accept that as a possibility.

So, I have my closure for this day.  I am at peace.  It is a good feeling.  I have sadness, and I feel that too.  Sadness with peace of spirit.  And I have joy and optimism now.

[tuum est61]

It occurred to me that I did not need to make a decision right now as long as I could face my fear that she would close the door and accept that as a possibility.

So, I have my closure for this day.  I am at peace.  It is a good feeling.  I have sadness, and I feel that too.  Sadness with peace of spirit.  And I have joy and optimism now.

You have reached a safe and powerful place.    .