Going crazy with my thoughts

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hello. I don't know where to begin without making this post a novel. My DH has not been officially diagnosed with BPD, but we both feels that he shows all the signs. However, he has yet to seek professional help. He acknowledges that he's depressed, constantly calls himself a loser, claims no one cares about him, and that he is all alone in life. Meanwhile, I have constantly had his back, helped him out financially and encouraged him emotionally, while caring for your 1 year old and working full-time. He has been unfaithful during our marriage once. I told him I wanted him to leave, but since he said he had nowhere to go, I allowed him to stay on the sofa. Eventually I forgave him and welcomed him back into our room. A couple of months later we moved, but he didn't move completely with us. During the process he said that he received a phone call from an apartment complex saying that he owed back rent. He forgot that he had rented a place when I asked him to leave, so now he has a lease there. Confused? Yea, me too. So basically just me and my child stays in our place and he would come on the weekends. When I make a big deal about it, he gets mad and tells me that I know why he has the apartment. So I begin to feel like it's my fault he's staying away. I eventually told him that he had a choice, to either stay with us every night like a family or don't stay at all. He chose not to stay at all and then complained that he felt as if he was being punished. Being the punk that I am, and wanted so much for a complete family, I started letting him stay there. I hated hearing my daughter call for him and I knew he wasn't coming. But the inconsistency bothers me so much. He always has a sob story about how nothing is going right for him, and every time he thinks he's ahead he gets knocked back. But at the same time, all of the things that affect him, affect me too. Mentally and physically I'm exhausted from trying to take care of responsibilities and maintain a semi normal life. At times I just want to walk away. The other day we got into an argument, and this was the first time things got physical. He shoved me and held me down on the bed while i kicked and screamed. That scared me but I didn't make him leave. But during that argument, he mentioned that a couple of months ago he bought a gun to use on himself. I know I shouldn't take things like this lightly, but I also fear leaving b/c he might do something to himself. And I don't know how to proceed. Right now i'm just so confused and don't know who to talk to. I'm not even sure if this is the right forum I should be posting to. But any little advice helps.

[laidee]

Hello. I don't know where to begin without making this post a novel. My DH has not been officially diagnosed with BPD, but we both feels that he shows all the signs. However, he has yet to seek professional help. He acknowledges that he's depressed, constantly calls himself a loser, claims no one cares about him, and that he is all alone in life. Meanwhile, I have constantly had his back, helped him out financially and encouraged him emotionally, while caring for your 1 year old and working full-time. He has been unfaithful during our marriage once. I told him I wanted him to leave, but since he said he had nowhere to go, I allowed him to stay on the sofa. Eventually I forgave him and welcomed him back into our room. A couple of months later we moved, but he didn't move completely with us. During the process he said that he received a phone call from an apartment complex saying that he owed back rent. He forgot that he had rented a place when I asked him to leave, so now he has a lease there. Confused? Yea, me too. So basically just me and my child stays in our place and he would come on the weekends. When I make a big deal about it, he gets mad and tells me that I know why he has the apartment. So I begin to feel like it's my fault he's staying away. I eventually told him that he had a choice, to either stay with us every night like a family or don't stay at all. He chose not to stay at all and then complained that he felt as if he was being punished. Being the punk that I am, and wanted so much for a complete family, I started letting him stay there. I hated hearing my daughter call for him and I knew he wasn't coming. But the inconsistency bothers me so much. He always has a sob story about how nothing is going right for him, and every time he thinks he's ahead he gets knocked back. But at the same time, all of the things that affect him, affect me too. Mentally and physically I'm exhausted from trying to take care of responsibilities and maintain a semi normal life. At times I just want to walk away. The other day we got into an argument, and this was the first time things got physical. He shoved me and held me down on the bed while i kicked and screamed. That scared me but I didn't make him leave. But during that argument, he mentioned that a couple of months ago he bought a gun to use on himself. I know I shouldn't take things like this lightly, but I also fear leaving b/c he might do something to himself. And I don't know how to proceed. Right now i'm just so confused and don't know who to talk to. I'm not even sure if this is the right forum I should be posting to. But any little advice helps.

[Rose Tiger]

Hi Laidee,



That is a lot going on, it is concerning that he crossed the line over to physical abuse.  Do you think this might spur him on to seeking treatment?  It might be a good idea to find a counselor for yourself to work through this situation.  I see it as a good thing that he has another place to stay, it helps to have a bit of peace and a chance to work on taking care of yourself.  Please check out the lessons on the right of the forum, these steps help you to step back and start looking at the big picture and your choices.  Step one is to get some solid footing.  You've found a good place to help you work through this, very glad you are here. 

[laidee]

I don't think that incident would cause him to seek help because it took a while for him to even apologize for what happen. He felt he had just cause. I do feel a sense of calmness when he's not there, but I haven't built up the strength to tell him to stay gone for good. Even when given the chance. A weakness on my part I know. But I will take a look at the links on the side. Thank you! 

[Rose Tiger]

You're very welcome.  

Another option that might be of interest is a Therapeutic Separation.  This is where you both work on issues individually and meet up for family time during the week.

Here is a workshop about it where posters are discussing the topic:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=141686.0

[laidee]

I think about separation a lot, but something holds me back from actually doing. It's not that I haven't had the opportunity, but I get weak. During this last argument he even asked if I wanted him to leave (this was before he apologized). He said that he hates that I flip flop back and forth about him leaving. I feel like my mind is so screwed up right now. Even though he hasn't been around this week, I still have concern about him. Checking in to make sure he's ok, and got to work safely since he has to walk right now. Offering a ride. All things that throw out credibility for me wanting him to leave. Apart, we're ok. Together... .  I have some deep seated hatred for the way things have gone and the things he has said over the past 2 years of marriage. I've expressed this to him before. But now he's saying they were jokes.  I've also express how I feel my self-esteem has greatly dropped. I no longer feel that i'm attractive to him. He stopped giving me compliments, and there was a time when i would try to initiate some form of intimacy and he would reject it, over and over again. When I tell him about all of this, he doesn't see what the big deal is. It's just all very frustrating.

But on a side-note, and please forgive me if i'm rambling and all over the place... .  clearly I have a lot on my mind - is it possible for your mate's depression to rub off on you? I definitely have my low moments. I don't sit around and cry anymore, I don't turn to alcohol to drown out pain or anything, but it is a real struggle to get excited about doing things. My only motivating factor is my daughter it seems. I don't want her to see me sad, and I don't want her just sitting around the house so I make myself get out and do things and interact with others. But if she wasn't there, I would just be home. After reading many posts on here, i'm starting to feel as if I'm the one with the illness. I don't give way to rage, but I feel annoyed at most things he do. Will respond with a slight attitude. When I see him, my feelings that I use to have for him just disappear. But... .  still i stay *sigh*

[Rose Tiger]

One of the most stressful things one person can do to another is to invalidate their feelings.  Feelings aren't right or wrong, they just *are*.  When someone tells us that our feelings are wrong, it is crazy making.

It is painful to be rejected.  It is painful to not get compliments.  It is painful to feel unattractive your mate.  I totally get those feelings and they are valid.

But I set aside my feelings trying to fix the relationship, something in me left over from childhood where everybody else's happiness was important.  That is my dysfunction that I'm working on.  To let other people be upset, sad, mad, happy to let them own their feelings and not try to fix and make things all better.

I was driving with my teen and I dealt with a scary merge on an unknown highway, it was a blind merge lane that just dropped me in the middle of traffic.  I was almost hit, it scared me.  I said, that was scary, and the teen said, oh Mom, it wasn't that bad.  I told her, you do not invalidate me, that is not nice!  I'm a bit sensy about it now and she will say the same thing to me if I invalidate her feelings. 

[4now]

 

Hello,

Wow, you've got a lot on your plate.  I would agree that it is crazy making when your so won't acknowledge your feelings.  It's very rude, demeaning, and I feel a control tactic.  It sounds to me like you know what you want to do, but are afraid because of your husband's reaction and what it might do to your daughter. 

Have you read about FOG? Fear, obligation and guilt. There are some links on here about it and that sounds to me like what you are dealing with.  I think you have every right to ask that he stays there consistently, which is the best for you and your daughter, but only if he does it willingly and because he wants to.  Otherwise, he will likely get angry and resent you and the arguments and violence could escalate.  This could be a boundary for you... .  You stay all the time or you don't stay.  End of story.  Either he complies or he doesn't and you move on. 

As far as your daughter goes, this isn't good for her either.  It may seem like it is, that having him there sometimes is better than not at all, but is it really?  If you two are fighting, is it better?  You obviously aren't happy with the arrangement.  And him getting to call all the shots and come and go isn't making him be responsible to you or your daughter.  He's playing house when he feels like it. 

It sounds like you are very close to making a decision and some changes.  Remember that you are responsible for you and your daughter.  You are not responsible for him and his problems and making him happy.  You said you are so confused and that is to be expected for your situation.  Maybe you could take a break for yourself, without letting him come and go, and give yourself some time to decide what you want and need.  Put yourself first! Best wishes!

[4now]

One more thing, about the depression, yes I think it can be contagious!  Or at least we become depressed from all of it.  Think about it, being invalidated, feeling unattractive, being raged at, being physically assaulted, not knowing if they love you or are going to stay or leave, it all creates the perfect opportunity for depression to grow and take us over.

That is why it's so important to take care of yourself and think about you. It seems like you put a lot of energy into him and his needs, but don't forget your own!

[Leaf]

I don't sit around and cry anymore, I don't turn to alcohol to drown out pain or anything, but it is a real struggle to get excited about doing things.

Hi Laidee, I hope you'll find the strength to do what is best for you. It's so difficult to find the strength to end a relationship when it's that relationship itself that makes you feel weak. I found it very difficult to heal myself with my BPDbf still around. To prevent pain and avoid conflict, it's easier not to want, not to react and not to expect anything anymore. By trying to prevent negative emotions I was also making myself immune to positive ones. It took me a month of No Contact to find myself again. Now we're Low Contact, but I've noticed I find it easier to be happy when there is no contact at all. I slip back into that paralized mode too easily.

[gina louise]

FOG can be very insidious.

Fear is not just out right fear of obvious abuse... it's the turmoil of fearing a bad reaction, it's fear of the silent treatment, the sense that the Other Shoe-the worst one-is always ready to drop and ruin things.

Obligation is not just a familial duty-it's the inbred feeling that we MUST help those we love at all costs, we must be available for them, we must never let anyone down, we must take care of our end, we must be responsible... .  all those FOO things we feel are only OURS to do and BE.

The Guilt... .  that's the never ending Litany in our heads of "what Ifs... .  what if I 'm wrong, what if something terribly bad happens, what if it's really my fault, what will happen to X if I do Y and then Z?

what if I never find someone to love like this, what if I will be alone and rejected forever, what about this And that... .  

FOG keeps us stuck... .  it clouds our sight and our judgment. Look at the foggy spots in your r/s.

take time to sit , write and figure things out.

I made a list of behaviors my HUSBAND did FOR the marriage and another list against it. It helped me see that while he said things were OK... he was acting otherwise.  A man who wants to be married doesn't come home from work and say... .  We need to split up! Just from thinking foul thoughts about me, or talking to his buddies on the commute home... .  

GL

[laidee]

Thank you all for your insight! FOG sounds exactly like how I feel. And i do feel like i'm in a fog and can't see/think clearly. Since he was away this past week, it gave me a lot of time to reevaluate some things. I'm going to make a conscious effort not to provoke arguments, and bite my tongue, even when I feel strongly about something. The more I think, the more I can pinpoint a pattern in his behavior. Things start out great... .  all lovey dovey, and then I do something to upset him and it all goes downhill. But those good times are lasting shorter now. He rarely rages, but he can at real petty if I don't give him the affirmation that he wants. Example: over the weekend he was constantly saying 'I love you' in text messages and asking if I love him and miss him. But he kept doing it. He was starting to sound real pathetic, all while he's still calling himself a loser. But that's his attachment stage. And that all came to an end last night when he called while he was on his way home. I was in the middle of doing something, but I answered to make sure he was ok. When I determined that he was, I apologize and told him what I was doing and if we could talk when he got home. He was about 7 mins away. He said 'sorry' with an attitude and hung up. Of course FOG kicked in and once I finished what I was doing, I felt guilty about not listening and called him back, but he didn't answer. Once he got home, I could tell he was moody. I asked him about the topic he had mentioned on the phone but he mumbled something and then was like he's tired and has a headache (in a tone where he didn't want to be bothered). So from that I can tell we're about to go downhill again... .  and fast. I'm going to document things this time, so when I get the nerve to leave, I'll have it to refer back to.

I'm so glad I found this forum. It's nice to have an outlet to express ourselves and encourage others. I really enjoy reading about all that you all go thru. Gives me strength.

[4now]

Hi again,

I find myself doing the same things you mentioned, like feeling guilty because I wasn't able to respond exactly how he needed in the moment he needed me to.  But I try and stay the course and remember that I shouldn't be expected to act perfectly, all the time. That's too much pressure for anyone!  And I try and remember what would be "normal" in a "normal" relationship.  Would the average husband respond in such a way as my husband?  Or is this behavior individual to him?  Then I don't take it personally. 

Sometimes, most times, at first they won't like this at all.  They won't like your attention to be on something or someone else.  But, they need to learn to deal with it.  That is how the world is.  If he got upset or moody, he needs to learn to process all that and come out the other side.  Any interference you try and make in that process will only impede that progress.  I am talking about you trying to console or acquiesce to him and make him feel better about your temporary inability to respond to his needs.  You may very well be headed for trouble, if you are willing to follow him down that road.  But just because he feels like going off the deep end doesn't mean you have to follow.  You always have the right to avoid any conflict and keep yourself in a peaceful state of mind. 

Keeping a journal would be a big help I think.  Taking yourself out of the cycle as much as you can also helps.  Not having the constant turmoil makes it easier to think more clearly!