Where to turn?

[Linlo]

I am frustrated and need advice on where to turn besides prayer.  My son was married to a BPD for 13 years and couldn't take it anymore.  He has been divorced for 5 years, lives in another city, and is dating.   Every relationship ends after a few months and he is devastated.  He has been enmeshed... .  is very co-dependent, and every encounter with a new girl ends in less confidence in himself.  He has been to

therapists but just anyone, none that seem to understand he lived with a BPD for 13 years and has issues.  I have sent him books such as One Way Ticket to Oz,

Splitting, Stop Walking on Eggshells etc.  I have made suggestions to him about getting into social groups like biking groups etc. and to stay away from relationships

but I'm only his Mom and I am watching him destroy himself.  I need some suggestions as to how to approach this issue with him or maybe how to approach this issue with myself.  

[123Phoebe]

Hi Linlo



I'm sorry you're feeling frustrated, but am glad you found our community.  It must be hard to sit on the sidelines and watch your son suffer from one relationship to the next.  Has he read the books you've sent him?  Does he realize what an impact the relationship with his exwife has had on him?

How are things going in your life; are you active with friends and other family members?  Hobbies?

Please continue to post and hang in there, we're here for you... .  

Thanks for joining,

Phoebe 

[Linlo]

Thanks Phoebe for your kind response.  I keep busy with gardening, sewing, clubs, and friends. I appreciate knowing there are people who understand and are going through some of the same situations I am experiencing.  I don't feel like an island.

Does anyone know where I could go to get names of competent psychologists who deal with BPD  and codependency specifically as it relates to BPD?

[Suzn]

Hello Linlo  

I'm so sorry you're going through this with your son.   It is terribly hard to watch, I've been through similar circumstances with my brother. The hardest part is to realize we can't do it for them, they have to reach a point of being uncomfortable enough to make a change. ie... going to therapy and reaching out for the help on their own. Your son may benefit from joining here too.  

Dating to outrun the pain is simply a band-aid to cover up what's really going on. Does he have children with his exwife? Finding a therapist with some experience with BPD is a good idea, I did. It just helped with understanding "my" issues better. That said, co-dependence is co-dependence, which I was. It does not "specifically" relate to BPD any different that it relates to an alcoholic situation. Or any other situation where we enable someone.

Have you considered looking into a therapist of your own for support? Or it is also helpful to attend al anon. This is how you can approach this issue with yourself. Therapists are generally very insightful, supportive and can help you deal with the uncomfortable feelings you are having.    

[Linlo]

Suzn,

Thanks for your kind response. I agree that until my son has had enough of the dysfunctional dating experiences and decides to change, nothing else can be done.  It is up to him and I know he appreciates the support from family.  It gets "old" after awhile.  He has 3 children from 5-11  years old. The ex-wife is the primary custodial parent.  He finally found a job in another city but it happened to be far away from the children which broke his heart.  He is a lonely guy...