We're back again... I know...

[1bravegirl]

I went from moving out to moving back in our home after he left and then I returned to the house with a roommate and that went south... .  

The entire time I was so sick with exhaustion and couldn't think straight and had no real way to sustain my energy or ability to function... fast forward a little... .    we talk and he had been at parents and my roommate left... and he wants to return... .  I say give it time...   lets see... .  and he shows up at my front door all packed with a uhaul.

I have no strength or energy to deal so I allow him in and then find out why i'm so sick... .    Addison's disease...   basically... .  

So seeing Hormonal specialists, I have no thyroid hormones either... .  and he starts being so comforting and helping out so much...

Now he is bouncing back and forth from nice to raving maniac and I've told him I cannot play with this one.

I am diagnositically sick now and wont die for anyone.   Last night he yelled and cussed for 45 minutes while I just layed on the couch with my ears plugged with my dog so as not to hear anythig that he was saying... .  didn't want to feel any stress... and it worked... this time.

Now I am sitting in the living room in front of the fire / he's right next to me and I'm wondering HOW in the world can I ever heal like this?

I know the last thing I need is more drama or extending tons of energy since i'm just now feeling a little better on cortisone so I just have to lay low and take care of me.

He did come home with some money and paid for 4000 in dental work i needed so that was great... .  he still cooks and tries very hard in his emotionally broken way to help and be attentive but you all know what I mean... .  Its still so hard... .   

I feel so disconnected and really am at a loss right now as to how I need to proceed...   that's why I am just holding tight...   just got a very easy job 2 day's a week so thats good... Manager at a surgeons office... so low keyed...

he's not working at all and that is killing him and me...   looking but cant land a job after interview after interview...

I know it's been a circular ride here but now I know why I haven't been able to really hold my own in confidence... This illness will make you lose all your marbles and your hormones! All of them.  estrogen, test, prog, cortisol, insulin,  sugar dives horribly...   but its all getting better now... .  slowly... .  

So finally feel strong enough or mad enough now to post on here and let you all know i'm hanging on tight but it's getting a little hard now...

He's not on the lease and we still have everything separate so that's good... it's like we're roommates really... .  

Hope everyone is good...

feedback?   be gentle... .   

[Newton]

1bravegirl... .  I will be more than gentle... .  I just wanted to welcome you back to a family that appreciates you  

I remember the monumental effort you made to leave, your struggle for employment and housing and your concern for your pets... .  I was a newbie then... .  

I am certain your friends here will be along shortly to support you as soon as they see you have posted... .  

Be gentle with yourself... .  

[yeeter]

Hugs Brave




I like this line you wrote:  "I am diagnositically sick now and wont die for anyone"

Please take care of this person, meaning don't forget to take care of yourself as #1 priority.

[1bravegirl]

Thanks so much both of you for the loving words...

I am very grateful for the warm reminders of the struggle I endured and just to see myself at a place of somewhat relative stability as fleeting as it may be ?  It still feels like progress...    even with the high's and lows...

I know that if there is a level of abuse that I cannot heal in, I will not HESITATE to change gears again and do what is necessary.

I found myself not able to really care for myself after moving back here again and that was a somewhat foreign concept... Actually it happened at the little dive I moved into before coming back here.

I realize now what motivated me to move and act so drastically since my body was not able to deal with any level of stress at all. No Cortisol means 'No ability to deal with stress... period... '  One yell or a door slammed hard and someone stomping around was more than I was able to tolerate for long.  And then if He stonewalled a few days... I was a wreck!

But I will not make that mistake again.  I often wondered why I did that... Didn't think that move out better and have a plan of some kind even though I know many times we can't always make time for a plan, I didn't get why I let myself get into such a mess of a place and be at the bottom of the barrel? No food, no money for bills due to dental issues that hospitalized me, falling and the arm still not working right needing possible surgery and it all stems from no cortisol...

So that part's reassuring but making that mistake again, me leaving so hastily or having him move out forcefully wont happen without more forethought and having it be a necessity.   I have been running on emotion and reacting so negatively for too long...    can't blame it all on cortisol levels but the mental state has been on overdrive and it's winding down now... .  

I know many times it takes several attempts to finally be free of the abusiveness and make the way successful for yourself and if that ends up being the reality of this situation as It kinda is leaning towards...   three times will be a charm.

I'm not mentally there or wishing for anything either way...   because I know this illness (his) is so unpredicable and anything can happen.

I will in the meantime keep myself built up and healthy and keep things separate and do all I can not to buy into any drama due to my own stress level needing to stay very cool, calm and collective.

Last night, even in his meltdown, I plugged my ears, not hearing one word he even said and stayed very calm. Woke up refreshed and had a nice day visiting my sister and going to physical therapy.  Just got home and I feel calm for the most part. Not much talking but that's ok too.

So I hope to reconnect with all my buds on here and thanks again for the loving welcome back.

Love 1bravegirl. oox

[Rose Tiger]

Hi BG 

So good to hear from you.     Sorry you are not feeling well, I hope things settle down and your recovery can progress.  Are you taking vitamin Bs (stress blend), D and fish oil?  I read those can help.  Lots of sleep, fruits and veggies.   

[almost789]

Hi bravegirl,

Wow, i relate to your post. I too had adrenal insuficiency and blew out my thyroid from stress! Years ago. I took cortisone for a year. And now have to take thyroid hormones forever. I did manage to get off the cortisone, that goodness, mine had not reached the level of addisons disease. But, with this recent stress from my BPD friend, im starting to feel the adrenal problems coming back, i thing i need to get back on low dose cortisone. But you know the most important thing is to remove or eliminate the stress! Which means your BPD person. Also try some meditation.

[Whatwasthat]

Hi 1BG 

I'm someone who also has suffered with poor adrenal gland function and messed up hormones. I just wanted to wish you well with your treatment and back up what's been said here about the value of meditation.

I resisted doing it like the plague - because my body was stuck on 'emergency' settings I think and so thought that 'quietening down' was actively dangerous and a bad idea - even though it was what I needed most!

I now do twenty minutes twice a day - and it's not easy to make myself - but after about fifteen days of doing this solidly I do start to feel different in a very good way and I now suspect that it will be something I need to keep pulling myself back to for the rest of my life in order to help me stay strong.

Whatever else you need to help you get back to greater strength I think this can be part of the picture. It's surprisingly powerful stuff.

Forgive me if you're already a convert and really don't need to hear about meditation again!

Wishing you well. WWT. 

[real lady]

HI "1bravegirl"... .  your name certainly suites you well. I am so sorry to hear about your health; you are trying SO hard to NOT rock the boat, hoping that he "might" stop the raging and see YOU for the wonderful person you are... .  I know that they "try" to show empathy but it usually is brief and then they make it clear that our illness disrupts their lives and try to make us feel that we are expected to "feel better for THEM"... .  and it is not about him, but about YOU. You deserve to have PEACE and CALM and HEALING in your house. 

In helping my pwBPD understand that "I NEEDED" something, not from him but FOR me... .  I just told him so... .  If I walked out of the room I would reply to his disgruntlement that "I need to have some time alone... .  for ME"... .  Letting him know that there WOULD BE a boundary that EVERY person should respect. When I wanted to be alone, I went to be alone and I did not apologize for it.

Your health NEEDS to be taken care of... .  if he is NOT helping, then I would make your boundaries clear... .  raving at you for 45 minutes when you are trying to rest show HOW NARCISSISTIC they are when we NEED something; when we are not feeling well or when we emotionally need support and they are "not there" for us.

So finally feel strong enough or mad enough now to post on here and let you all know i'm hanging on tight but it's getting a little hard now...

Just do your best to HOLD ON TIGHT TO YOU... .  let everything else "fall by the wayside" until YOU feel better. 

[1bravegirl]

You guy's are still soo Wonderful!

God I missed this place!  Thank you all so much for the replies... .  finally, confirmation!  It's been a long time since I've really felt any so it's really great to be back!

I wasn't able to write on here due to no desire or energy to even think... how sad is that huh?

I don't have Addison's yet thank God but I am at a point where it could go there quickly.

I have seen many of my symptoms subside just by taking a low dose amount of cortisone and 30 mg of armour thyroid and again, today is like day 5 that I'm out of bed and awake and not feeling like i'm on my death bed!

It's so amazing how many people have adrenal fatigue and are so sick and then it affect's their Thyroid and the Dr's miss it  for waaaay too long!

So it's basically an epidemic of some sort and waay more people have it than they even know... but don't have the insight to know what's happening with their own body.

It is soo hard for me to do any type of relaxation yet. I know... bad!

I still walk my dog (still miss my other baby that died in  Aug soo much) and rescued the dog nextdoor... (locked in a 10x10 cage) and take him with us now daily when I go to dogpark... or I take my dog over there and let him out since he has a huge yard but noone to let him out...   the owner is sick on oxygen... its a mess...

But back to my own life...

I'm trying to breathe more and you are so right... all of you...   Narsisistic galore!  I am really working hard to establish boundaries and actually told him yesterday that if he cussed and yelled again like that and affected my health I would have to get a move out order and make him leave... .    he's better today   who knew?

[real lady]

Narsisistic galore.  I am really working hard to establish boundaries and actually told him yesterday that if he cussed and yelled again like that and affected my health I would have to get a move out order and make him leave... .    he's better today who knew?

     Good for you hon. Keep setting those boundaries and whatever you do, don't say that you "would get a move out order and make him leave" unless you are ready to do it... .  matter of fact maybe he would "behave a little better" if your doctor suggested, in writing, that your household must have NO STRESS or that he/she would support that "move out" order.

Take care of yourself... .  we are SO stressed by their crazy BPD behavior that the BEST THING that we can do for ourselves sometimes is to JUST IGNORE THEM... .  let them rant... .  ALONE... .  don't let your health get worse... .  you deserve to be in good health and to be happy. 

[1bravegirl]

Thank you Real Lady!

You are soo right!  Actually, that's what my T did last time...   I had to have him forcefully leave back in 09 so that's why I would never jump back into that mode unless I absolutely had to.

But he know's that I have left 2 times now and was very serious about it. Once for 2 yrs and this last time for almost 1 yr.  I probably would have left for good if I didn't have such an unstable health situation and just really struggling to function without really knowing all the reasons why.

So I am trying to establish boundaries in my own mind as to what I can or will accept and what will not be fair game here and It's just more of a day by day thing I suppose. 

When I feel something that is waaaay out in left field like the ranting and raving for 45 minutes, then we have a problem but up until now he hasn't said anything about it, just trying to be so nice and cleaning up and being very considerate and I am saying as little as possible.  I'm not ready to go there by me bringing it up cuz I am needing peace now and striving to stay balanced throughout it all.

So this isn't easy that s for sure... Once I have a few stable days under my belt again I will have to just once again stress to him on a day that he can truly let it sink in, what we have at stake here and what we both really need from each other, and I will have a note from my Dr showing the serioud implications from my disorder if I do not have my stress levels at a low point 9 times out of 10.  We may be doomed with just that info alone...

[Rose Tiger]

Hey BG,

Do you know if meds might help your husband's temper?  Sometimes SSRIs can help.  Just wondering if that is an option?  Sometimes they don't do a thing but I've seen that it can help some.

[1bravegirl]

He won't take anything like that... I can sneak them in his food. heehee...

But bottom line is... .   If they don't want the help, you can't do it for them.   I tried that too many times. with too many loved ones.

Keeping other s alive and relatively healthy at the expense of my own needs and health. That's why i'm a mess today.

He's understanding slowly though that I'm not kidding around this time.

I haven't really talked to him much about it but I make a nice bed next to the fire at night away from him and sleep soo good.

He's getting the picture. roommates is what we are at this point unless he gets some help whatever he chooses to do.

Cuz this right here... .   it aint workin.

He gave me extra money towards groceries and has been more cognizant of his messes so hey, thats good... but it won't last for long...

One day at a time... Today I feel pretty darn good so far... and am going to buy my sister a heater... her's broke til Monday so I'm loading up some good wood for her and a nice room heater...   and then a nice visit over there.

Been staying gone a lot and busy...  i'm tired but i feel better.

Love you guys...  take good care...    thank goodness for my animals... huh?

And my Congregation has been very supportive... a special few especially are so loving.  I miss my mom and dad though so much... :'(

[Rose Tiger]

In his food... .   hmmm.  Probably some stupid law about that.

Glad you are feeling good today.  I can tell you are much stronger in your resolve about making your health a priority.  Sounds like you are not playing around with that.  I miss my mom, too!  It's so hard to not have the people that loved us best around during these times. 

[morningagain]

He won't take anything like that... I can sneak them in his food. heehee...

But bottom line is... .   If they don't want the help, you can't do it for them.   I tried that too many times. with too many loved ones.

Keeping other s alive and relatively healthy at the expense of my own needs and health. That's why i'm a mess today.

He's understanding slowly though that I'm not kidding around this time.

I haven't really talked to him much about it but I make a nice bed next to the fire at night away from him and sleep soo good.

He's getting the picture. roommates is what we are at this point unless he gets some help whatever he chooses to do.

Cuz this right here... .   it aint workin.

He gave me extra money towards groceries and has been more cognizant of his messes so hey, thats good... but it won't last for long...

One day at a time... Today I feel pretty darn good so far... and am going to buy my sister a heater... her's broke til Monday so I'm loading up some good wood for her and a nice room heater...   and then a nice visit over there.

Been staying gone a lot and busy...  i'm tired but i feel better.

Love you guys...  take good care...    thank goodness for my animals... huh?

And my Congregation has been very supportive... a special few especially are so loving.  I miss my mom and dad though so much... :'(

1bravegirl 

I am so amazed and impressed and heartened to see you and others make progress regaining yourselves while in the r/s and even under the same roof.  It took me nearly six months of separation to BEGIN to regain myself.  I am very proud of you!

Today I am not prepared to do what you are doing.

It takes incredibly strength to practice the wisdom we paid so dearly for.  Fantastic job, keep 'exercising' you will stay strong and get stronger!



Michael

[1bravegirl]

Thanks so much RoseTiger...

You're absolutely right... I am so resolved to stay healthy and make that a priority... cuz without that, what's it all for right? 

I know being in the Medical field We cannot slip them meds... but believe me... over the years I've thought about slippin him more than that!  If ya get ma drift... But my Christian make-up has stopped me every time...

So i'm with ya on that one...    thanks for the support sis. o


Ah... .  Thank you Michael... But remember I had to leave him for 2 yrs in order to even start to discover how screwed up I really was.  

I mean, I knew I was a wreck but didn't quite understand the depth of the co-dependent, doormat, abusive r/s cycle and just how much It had broken my spirit.

I was too busy keeping parents alive and helping others besides them to give me the time I needed. I think I did that intentionally to avoid the inevitable... (realizing how jacked I was!)

So after moving to the mountains and gaining that beautiful freedom for the first time ever really, after 25 yrs of marriage, I was soo content and euphoric really.  So happy... until my mom's inheritance started to run out and as soon as stress hit me my adrenals turned on me again and I was running on empty and not able to really keep myself on track emotionally or physically.  Struggling to cook for myself or do much of anything.  I was isolating myself and starting to decline again.

So fast forward a year after that and I allowed H to return due to his T for 2 yrs and no more pot smoking and thought I was ok to reunite.

As soon as any stress hit or there was any lack of peace I was so stressed and ended up moving out a year later 'again'.

I know now why I felt so desperate to leave due to my health feeling so jeapordized but at the time you do feel like your losing your marbles.

I can now see the entire picture so much more clearly and the focus is back on myself where it needs to be.  H did a lot today to show he's more apologetic without being ready to talk about anything.  He loaded up his truck for my sister and followed me up there and helped her with a lot of wood, fixed the fan on her woodstove and was quite helpful.  I expressed deep appreciation as did she.

It didn't erase the fact that we still need to have a cordial conversation about what happened and work forward from there but he's not ready to today.

He's tried to approach me for a hug or kissing and I just have to lovingly remind him  "it's not time for that right now...  we really have to work on our foundation here at this point... " We can talk about it whenever your ready but for now the way I feel, I just need some space ok?"  He's so far respected that and leaves the room with a sad childlike face... like...   come on babe... I just want a kiss...

But It has to start somewhere right?  We've been here before since he moved back in Oct and he does good for awhile and then he starts to feel sick or some pain or has a bad night not sleeping well and then he is soo moody and attacks me in some way... It may not be as wild as before but there really is no room for any misguided anger at me for any reason in my life ever again.  I just haven't got time for the pain or the room for it physically and mentally. My body will not allow anything but positive vibes... anything less and it will block you out.

And that's what I told him today. He asked me if I still loved him / I said I love you but I'm very detached from you due to how our r/s has been here.   That can improve but it will take commitment from both of us to do certain things / and that's what we need to take some time to talk about.

So that's where were at now and I'm still feeling relatively relaxed and able to be open and free about how I feel.

Thank you again for your support and encouragement... .  

Lifegoeson2,  can I ask you when you knew you could get off of the hydrocortisone?

I had been taking less of it and it still feels like its too much. It's been a month and I feel like my adrenals may have kicked back in enough for this period? dunno...  but I was on 10mg three times a day and now i'm on 15 mg and it is still hard to sleep at night...

I wonder if just taking the new thyroid med also has helped me feel more stabilized?  I just wanted to find out what symptoms you had and when they subsided, what were your circumstances... .  ?

Thanks again for any feedback from you'all.  

1bg o

[JDoe]

I'm not here often, 1BG, but thought of you the other day and then saw that you posted!  Will continue to pray for your health issues, and for the personal ones.  Not easy to live with a pwBPD, but you know that.

Take care and God bless you, Sister BG!

JBro (until May 31st  )

[Clearmind]

BG, I know that you left once and now you are back with him - has anything changed? If not, what needs to change to make all this less drama filled.

[1bravegirl]

Hi JDoe! And thanks so much for thinkin of me...   It's so hard emotionally dealing with the up's and downs of the mood swings and when you add my own now with this illness...   oh good lord!

But i have no room for error...   I had one night coming home where he was rockin out with his IPOD guitar to really loud rock music and I was so spent from barely making it thru the day at my new job... (working 2 days a week in my ill state... ) and I couldn't get his attention from hitting the window and doorbell to stop the music.

I didn't want to walk into that concert... it was soo loud...   so I came in with my key finally and had to scream at him. Turn that S*& down!

And mind you... I don't cuss... .    usually but the hormones i'm taking can make me have major mood swings now and boy is he quick to bring that up.

Now he's telling my sister and whoever will listen how hard it is to live with me and all my mood swings... which may be true but most times he's stonewalling me and then trying to be nice when there's an agenda and I'm just done.

I haven't felt an emotional attachment or any real attachment to him since he came back. Cuz he didn't come back on my terms.

He just showed up... Oh becuz that's what I 'really' wanted. sick.

So now i'm feeling a little more stable and still been sleepin on the couch and today stuff hit the fan again. 

He wanted to say... lets start from fresh and I was like. ... "but how can anything change if you aren't willing to change your mindset with counseling or some positive feedback?  I'm starting therapy next week and unless you are willing to do the same I don't see how we are going to get thru this... You obviously have too much anger and so do I and we aren't connecting here.

Now you've got several thousand dollar's left, can't find a job here, are MISERABLE with me here so why not just take the money and run?

Go back home and find a place and forget about all of this madness that you feel is all me at this point?""""

And of course he agreed if that meant not talking about counseling or him having to face anything.

So now I sit here and told him i'm going to be seeking a roommate and he needs to do accordingly.

So Clearmind... to answer your question... nothing is better, there isn't the huge violent rages but the smaller ones are bad enough for me...   any rage is too much, especially with this illness...

So yes, I just reminded him today ' I did not leave for 2 yrs to relive this mess... ' No way... "

Takin it day by day... .    Now he isn't giving me money for my tags...   so many games...   Its just not worth it...    

I know i'm not healthy enough to move out or deal with all this drama but since i'm on the lease and he has money, he needs to be the one to go.

He's never been so mean for this long, I feel he has an agenda... it kills him to spend 'HIS' money on things when he isn't really sure we are a 'for sure thing' ya know?

Ev en though it really is My moms inheritance money that he owes me...   but we wont'go there... it isn't worth it...

so thoughts?  I need to work smarter not harder or this one could really flatten me right? I'm so nervous just writing this... .  uggh... :{{{

[Hopeliveshere]

Hi 1BG, I write not because I have any great wisdom, but I have been where you are. 12 years ago I was diagnosed the same as you, on thyroid and hydrocortisone. My doctor said it was the stress of all I'd been through that caused my glands and hormones to fail me. Eventually it affected my heart - it would pound and so I was put on medicaton for that. What will it take for me to stop the madness? I wish I had the answer but you are right, I'm too tired to stay with it and too tired to leave it. Eventually the answers will become clear - one already has and that is that I need peace in my life or I will not survive.

[1bravegirl]

Hopelives here... .  

Your name define's my life right now... I'm so sorry you are not able to heal and be at peace...   I lost it a few months back after having it on my own...

I allowed him to return but I was so messed up with Adrenal issues I didn't think I had a choice...

He came back more controlling than ever and now he's moving out.

I prayed as well as my brain would let me and he's moving out tomorrow...   He has money (in his name only... ) so that is saving me this time... Last time I left here with no place to go or no money due to my adrenal crises...   it was a mess...

The time before that I came on this board screaming "I MADE IT!" and I had money saved up and had a new lot on life...  

Now I am somewhere in between. Not so euphoric but much wiser and more realistic to what lies ahead...    A life... after so much chaos... .  and enabling and unhappiness.

I am a bit stressed but more calm than I anticipated... I am so hopeful that this is the best thing that could happen for him and I.

He does so much better when we are alone... he comes here and he's an cripple again.  NO motivation to ever even leave this house... horrible...   but now it's over...

please take care of yourself...

[real lady]

I am a bit stressed but more calm than I anticipated... I am so hopeful that this is the best thing that could happen for him and I. He does so much better when we are alone... he comes here and he's an cripple again.  NO motivation to ever even leave this house... horrible...   but now it's over...

1bravegirl... .  so glad to hear that you are doing a bit better than you had anticipated over this... .  hopefully he will be doing well too... .  it just seems like having NO relationship for them is so much better than trying to have one though they seem to really want a relationship with us, they have NO idea what it "costs" us. Hope you continue to do well and better and healthy every day. 

[1bravegirl]

Thank you real lady...

You are so right.  He say's to make sure "everyone know's this wasn't what i wanted... you are making this happen... "

But he can't admit that he was the one that was on the couch for 4 months straight and didn't even want to get up to get a hair cut.  

finally he did but I had to bug him constantly. like a child... and he's nice looking too... not with an afro! He has sandy blone hair that curls when its long and it just wasn't a good look on him...  didn't have the bone structure for a perm.

But now he's packing up the Uhaul and tomorrow will be the end of this 25 yr marriage this July 12,... amazing huh?  and I wish I could say 'it's been fun." but it's been anything but...  sure some good times but mostly action and reaction.   living on the edge of insanity due to the chaos of a distorted mind... and now my mind is pretty distorted and damaged too...  it must of been all along to stay this long but what can I say... .  

abusive r/s take a long time to get out from under sometimes... and thank God i'm only 49 and not 69 right?   49 going on 30... ! yep... life is just starting for me...   slow bloomer...

I do feel better even though I feel anxious with butterflies...

He will sleep on couch one more night and then that's it... se' la' ve

however you spell that...  

So that's that...   I am thinking he should go to a hotel but may cause more tension and right now it's pretty tolerable.

we shall see.   thanks so much for the support...

love 1bg

[real lady]

Thank you real lady...  You are so right.  He say's to make sure "everyone know's this wasn't what i wanted... you are making this happen... "

Yep, months of me hearing "get the F out of my house" and when I say "I will be leaving, give me time, I am making plans" then he starts with the "guilt?"(doesn't work on me) and says "Mommy wants to leave", etc... .  They just will NOT admit any responsibility or accept the consequences for their own behavior... .  

.

and thank God i'm only 49 and not 69 right?   49 going on 30... . yep... life is just starting for me...   slow bloomer...

You will feel younger in a while too... .  a pwBPD takes the energy out of you quickly.

I do feel better even though I feel anxious with butterflies...

That sort of excitement will be good especially since you feel better... .  

He will sleep on couch one more night and then that's it... se' la' ve

however you spell that.

.  C'est la Vie. That's life.

Keep us updated... .  have a GREAT weekend. Maybe have some friends over on Saturday night to celebrate?

[1bravegirl]

How funny... I thought about breaking open the bubbily but didn't want to go too overboard.

He's gone...   He actually left today after he was done packing... gave me my 1200. check and left a new sectional and diningroom table and took everything else he could fit in the Uhaul.

I'm still kinda trippin that he actually left so quickly.  Maybe he realized I wasn't budgin and was asking him to leave... gave him a 30 day notice... .  and asked him to either start seeing a T or something or plan to leave...   He chose to leave... and wasted no time doing it.

So i'm here by myself now and I didn't see this coming so quickly.

I'll be ok after it sinks in but for now i'm juswt glad I don't have the anxiety of being stuck in my room and not be able to have much freedom to be myself in my own house...   the animal's are looking for him but I'm just letting them know. daddy went bye bye... 'all gone... '

thanks real lady...   you have a great weekend also. sincerely 1bg

[real lady]

  Congrats 1bravegirl... .     You have your life, mind and home back... .  so happy for you.

I know that you have been through this with him (or you) leaving before BUT if I were in the situation, I would immediately "FILL UP THE SPACES" that he called "his" with my things so that I could constantly see that "he is gone and NOT coming back"... .  it would help me accept reality better, focus on myself and MY life and "not allow any room" for him to squeeze back into... .  Now, time for you to really focus on healing from this... .  take your time. 

[1bravegirl]

Your words are so comforting right now...  It almost feels like my mom talking.  We could be the same age;  I dunno? 

But it feels so loving and spot on!

I am doing just that... .  I couldn't do that soon enough.  I got all the stuff I had to stuff in my closet so 'he' could have his room and the desk area (where I kept my bills, paperwork, etc but not had to keep them out of sight... didn't trust him unfortunately) and set up my desk again, the second bathroom (after I scrubbed the heck out of it) and the 2nd big closet also with all the little baskets and organizers that were bulking me down in here...  

I feel like I can breathe now.  It's like, God allowed him to come back to set me up right this time... and then leave again leaving me much better off and in peace and with 1200 bucks to stay afloat for a minute while I figure this out.

working part time will help tremendously and my pre addisons symptoms are feeling better already! amazing...

So overall, the house is all clean and smells even better and my mind is next!

thanks so much my friend...  you're awesome  

[real lady]

Your words are so comforting right now...  It almost feels like my mom talking.  We could be the same age;  I dunno? 

But it feels so loving and spot on.

I would have to nearly be your TWIN sister, I turned 50 a few months ago... .  Glad you feel the love... .  

I am doing just that... .  I couldn't do that soon enough.  I got all the stuff I had to stuff in my closet so 'he' could have his room and the desk area (where I kept my bills, paperwork, etc but not had to keep them out of sight... didn't trust him unfortunately) and set up my desk again, the second bathroom (after I scrubbed the heck out of it) and the 2nd big closet also with all the little baskets and organizers that were bulking me down in here...  

AWESOME. Bet it looks great.

I feel like I can breathe now.  It's like, God allowed him to come back to set me up right this time... and then leave again leaving me much better off and in peace and with 1200 bucks to stay afloat for a minute while I figure this out.

   It is SO nice to hear a GOOD story of break up with a BPD... .  hope mine could turn out that well... .  

working part time will help tremendously and my pre addisons symptoms are feeling better already. amazing...

Yes, having our OWN life while detaching from pwBPD really helps. I am looking at getting BACK into work now... .  less time at "home" for me then.

thanks so much my friend...  you're awesome  

  Just so happy for you... .  now take care of that house and "clean up that mind and heart" after the relationship with pwBPD... .  you deserve it... .  

[1bravegirl]

Girrrrrrl... .  You are my sister!  I love it... My Mom was more like a good friend to me anyway...

She was very immature for her age also...   Being the only child, she too was spoiled and would still be a big brat at age 60!  I lost her at age 64 so that sucks.

It was 2009 Feb 8th after her year battle with Cancer and I was her only child too... SO of course I was right by her side...   She was pretty prideful and didn't open up a whole lot but was so awesome.

Talking to her was like talking to the main Guru of life...   She had all the right answers...   and didn't always take sides... SHe helped me see things from an outsiders perspective and I loved that about her.

You know how some family members will be like... Oh yes! He's no good! We've all known that for too long now!  You didn't do anything, he's the problem!""

Well, as much as I'l like to say thats true.(might be... .  )  I know I created so much of my own misery just to avoid dealing with the long drawn out r/s of chaos I allowed to stay in.  So she brought me down to earth and helped me reason on things.

If she was still here I can almost bet anything that I would of NEVER moved out Dec 21, 2011 with no money, gameplan, sanity, or a place to go.  Nope... She would of said... "Now bg...   think about this...   You need time to save up some money and time to give your mind a break... .  Can you go stay with some one for the timebeing until your in better shape to take a move like this on?

"Well mom, I guess so... I can call a few friends... "  Well there you go... Get yourself more stabilized before embarking on a lifechanging move like that, especially after all you two have just been through... """

So ya see...   I had her to be a sounding board to reason things out with...   even in bad health with raging hormones, I would of stopped and thought it through more... But hindsight and Oh such lessons learned huh?

So point being...   It was such a compliment to YOU. You're awesome...

So now back to me...   What a great morning this is.  I got up, one of my closest friends stopped by to check on me thinking i'd be kinda down... Nothing of the sort.

I am feeling so relieved and started to gut every room!

Made myself Bacon and eggs for everyone! Dog and kitties too!

And didn't even burn myself (that bad... )

Last time I moved up here to the mountains I attempted to cook bacon and poured grease in a container that was too small, burned my hands trying to move it and the grease popped in my eye and on my face...

I thought to myself... "well no wonder I don't cook... " hahaha

I allowed xBPDh to cook everyday for the past 10 yrs now and it costed me dearly.

But today it's like i'm fearless.  I remembered how my grandma cooked bacon and egg's and left the hot bacon grease in the iron skillet and then put the eggs right in and cooked them sunny side up with the spatula pushing the hot grease over the top...   they turned out so good.

I only broke one egg yolk...  

So now i'm getting ready to take a shower and get er done!  I have created a mess in every big room unfortunately so I think i'll be here a while...

But I don't feel sick... .  hmmm... .  I see a connection there. I don't feel super great either but i'm moving in the right direction.

Thanks so much again for the love... and YES... I feel it... Love and strength sent to you as well. 

1bg    ps... what is your status?  you are on staying board but trying to leave?  send me a link to your state... .  of  mind that is...