Doing the Math

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I apologize in advance for the length of this post. It has been one month since I have been able to post. I have a lot to get off my chest. I also thank all of you who assisted in my last post on Christmas eve and who followed up with me to check that I was ok. I love you for that!

It’s been a week in hell. Once again I find myself and my kittens locked into the spare room. The last month has been pretty much without incident. But now, I’ve spent more time locked in the spare room in the last week then I can measure. Had to phone the police on him again this last Sunday. That would be the second time since Christmas Eve. On neither occasion, did I actually press charges. I’m wondering if this was a mistake... .  but I think on the day I do press charges, I’ll finally be done with him.

I’m not suppose to be posting here. I’m suppose to be pitching a story idea to a photography magazine as they are interested in hiring me to do writing, but I can’t stop shaking and I can’t think straight enough to be able to see my way to getting my work done. I work in a creative field. I NEED to be able to process, and function, and create, and imagine. I can’t do any of these things while sitting in a spare room waiting for the shoe to drop.

He bought another BOX of wine this afternoon. He drinks a box of wine every evening. That is equal to four bottles of wine. There is always a reason ... .  because he thought I’d need it. Because he needs it to calm down because I’m such a btch and won’t let him relax in his own home. And then... .  because he is presently unemployed (he is frequently laid off from December to March) he is freaked out about money. This is of course because I’m such a financial drain on him (Mind you, I pay for all my own expenses and have contributed over $10,000 toward this family and household expenses in the last seven months... .  but that doesn’t count because the loved one of a BPD can’t give enough money, support, or love to fill the empty hole that exists inside our BPDS). It doesn’t occur to him that purchasing a box of wine everyday at 200kr equates to about 1000kr/week or 4000kr per month or about $650/month... .  conservatively speaking. But of course, he can’t help it because he is, as well as BPD, an alcoholic.

Last Saturday, I woke up in a cranky mood. I know I’m not suppose to do that because should I exhibit any emotion other than sunshine and light all hell will break out, but jeez marie, we are human. What is it with BPD? Maybe you wake up cranky and somehow that is a personal attack on them and elicits emotional outbursts, insults and a four day fight. God knows, I tried to regroup. Tried to snap myself out of my cranky mood, but it was too late. Within 5 minutes we were off and running. I tried to apologize, calm him down, suggest we watch a movie but nope... .  we were off to the land of no return.

So I came here to the spare room, as I often do, and watched some movies on the computer. I stayed out of his way... .  all day. And what... .  he comes to me. He comes with insults, bullying, snarling comments, tells me I have to leave and return to the US because he can’t stand living like this anymore. “You know you have to leave, right?”, he says to me  over and over in a snarling whisper. “So when are you going to leave?”  (He has told me on many occasions that I should, must, return to the US. Then of course, when he calms down he tells me how much he loves me and how I wants me to stay.) So, I continue to read my book and say “Yes, BPD, you have told me that”.  And I continued reading as he sat on the couch and continued to berate me. When I suggested that he go take some time for himself, he retorted with “Don’t tell me what to do. This is my apartment and if I want to be in here I will be.”

As the wine poured, his mood worsened. Of course. He threatened, actually told me, he was taking my kittens to the Vet on Wednesday and putting them down. So I locked myself, and my kittens, into the spare room, he started sending me links on our private Facebook account about vets and clinics that put down pets. He sent me links about the characteristics of psychopaths and explained that I was one of those. Meanwhile, he posted jokes and music videos and good wishes to all his friends on Facebook. Oh, the world thinks he is such a nice guy. I used to believe that too.

He hid the coffee pot so I couldn’t make coffee. He lowered the exercise pull-up bar down to waist level and put it in the door frame to the spare room so when I opened the door I had to duck under the bar in order to exit the room. He told me later that he thought that was fun? What the heck? He threw food into the sink, threw it on the floor, threw it in the garbage. He did this because interestingly, he had made me a plate for supper. I guess I didn’t eat the food fast enough (didn’t know there was a ten minute deadline) and so he freaked out, grabbed the plate, and threw food into the sink and garbage. He pulled the mattress off the bed and threw it into the livingroom and told me to sleep there. When he finally passed out, I moved the mattress to the spare room. He woke up and continued to drink. He shut off the electricity to the spare room, leaving me in darkness. He turned off the internet so I could not contact anyone or watch movies online. This is not the first time he has done this but this time he turned the utilities back on after about an hour.

Sunday arrives and because after some time, I finally had to open the door to go out and pee, he rushed into the room and grabbed my cell. “Soo... .  are we going to call the police again?”, he spit and snarled. “I can’t trust you anymore, I can’t relax in my own home without thinking a swat team is going to burst thru the door in the middle of the night.”  I replied that if he would just calm down, that would not be a consideration. But he was grabbing for my cell and I couldn’t let him have my only means of communication (He has already destroyed two previous cell phones). I struggled to get it back. Things got physical. I fled the apartment barefoot and went to the neighbor to try and call the police. Despite knocking on the doors of my neighbors. No one would let me in. (Prior to this I texted his brother repeatedly and pleaded that he come here and try to calm BPD down ... .  my texts went unanswered but the brother did send a message to BPD asking if he was ok!)

Once I exited the apartment, I went out into the courtyard and asked an elderly gentleman if he had a cell phone I could use. After briefly explaining, the gentleman told me he would go home and call the police for me. The police arrived but before they did, BPD exited the building.

Luckily, I had taken my cell phone (I managed to retrieve my cell but BPD had removed the battery) and my keys with me. I was able to re-enter the apartment. The police spoke with me for some time, offered support, called women’s shelters but I couldn’t leave my kittens here because I feared BPD would kill them. For the next 24-36 hours BPD calmed down and things were ok. He told me his greatest fear was that I WOULD COMMIT SUICIDE. Now that is scary ... .  is he projecting here?

I want to talk about my kittens for a moment. They are the sweetest, most lovely tempermented kittens. Trusting and purring. Never a problem. Over the weekend, BPD, in his attempts at moving things around and hiding things, kept moving the kitty litter box. I kept moving it back to the place where it has been since the kittens arrived 5 months ago. He’d move it right back to the middle of the bathroom hall. I finally said to him, “please stop moving the kitten litter because it confuses the kitties and it might result in some potty problems.” But nope ... .  BPD is the boss. So finally when I saw the litter once again moved, I left it where BPD placed it.

This brings us to this morning. Five minutes after having woken up, I was told that Little Sam is now peeing on everything BPD owns. “If that cat ruins all my floors you will pay to replace them.” I said nothing in response.  Do I need to tell you this is did not go over well? That little kitten was the most trusting little thing. If you walked up to him and pet him, he’d give a little “purrt” and show you his belly. Now he hides in a corner here with me in the spare room. His eyes always on the door when he hears the footsteps of BPD pass by. There is no more “purrt” when I try to pet him. He just looks at me with sad eyes.

BPD has turned the tap on while Sam is sleeping comfortably in the sink (Sam loves to sleep in the sink). Because of the peeing this morning, BPD walked into the livingroom where Sam was sitting on the couch and sprayed aerosol air freshener into the room in the direction of Sam. It frightened the poor little thing... .    it was meant to. As BPD was cleaning up kitten pee, little Sam walked over to the area and peed right in front of BPD on his dust rag. BPD freaked out and grabbed the kitten and THREW him into the kitty litter. Sam cried out in pain. The kittens and I have now remained in the spare room for 12 hours. Every now and then I’d venture out to the kitchen to get a bit to eat. My attempts were met with aggression. When I heard from the magazine today, I went out to tell BPD the happy news (Thinking this might help alleviate some stress from financial matters.) The news was met with congratulations and a smile. I sat down across the table and thought maybe a nice conversation might be had. Silly silly me.

He told me this was his house and that he was laying down some rules (He has A LOT of rules). He went on and on about the kitten pee. I did not respond but simply listened. He went on and on, working himself up more and more. I said “I’m sorry that you are feeling so stressed, but this is a temporary thing and yes I understand your house rules. YOu have made it clear”. This totally pissed him off, he stormed out the door, yelling at me that he can’t “have any F**** peace in his own house.” The kittens ran for cover. I literally flinch now in response to these outbursts. I sent him an email that read as follows:

"I know you are upset about many things. I wish I could help relieve your stress but I think you must find that relief from within yourself.  Regarding the kittens and me, you might want to consider finding some way of self calming. I understand that you feel enormous stress and that you are not happy, but outbursts only cause me and the kittens to become stressed as well. When you stormed out the door just now, the kittens and I were shaking.  Perhaps the unsettled atmosphere in the apartment is one of the causes of Sam's most recent problem. He is stressed too. And so am I. And little Spot, ran for cover. We can not spend everyday in the spare room so as to not upset you. That is no way for us to live. Please regroup and let us be a happy family again."

Doing the math. I find these episodes last about 3-4 days. It takes me 3 days to recover. This happens twice a month. That means 2 weeks out of every month, or 6 months out of the year, I am able to live a somewhat productive life ... .  baring in mind that even when BPD is stable, I’m still walking on eggshells. I used to have a fantastic and successful career as a writer, designer and photographer. Now I can barely put words together on paper. I have missed business opportunities and deadlines due to stress and being now 100% focused on BPD’s needs, or attempting to not be berated or causing any type of situation which might result in ... .  well, you know. I CAN NOT FOCUS ON WORK.

This man is going to be the ruination of me. Perhaps he already is. It is 7:30pm and I can hear the continuous sound of the wine glass clicking against the living room table. He is listening to The American National Anthem on YouTube and posted Bon Jovi’s American the beautiful to Facebook with the status of “I know most of my European friends will hate this but I love it”. Is it America he loves? Not the American Girl. What’s up with that? He has probably at this point, consumed at least 7-8 glasses of wine... .  perhaps more

I honestly don’t think I can handle any more and for sure, I don’t deserve this type of treatment. Does anyone? And yet, when the episodes are over... .  he is the most amazing man I’ve ever met. Should I call it a day and return to the US? Is there something I’m doing wrong? Should I be in better control of my actions? Suggestions and opinions are welcome. Is there any hope? In talking with my best gal pal, she says hang in there. In speaking with my son, he says "get the hell out NOW!"

[sadinsweden]

I apologize in advance for the length of this post. It has been one month since I have been able to post. I have a lot to get off my chest. I also thank all of you who assisted in my last post on Christmas eve and who followed up with me to check that I was ok. I love you for that!

It’s been a week in hell. Once again I find myself and my kittens locked into the spare room. The last month has been pretty much without incident. But now, I’ve spent more time locked in the spare room in the last week then I can measure. Had to phone the police on him again this last Sunday. That would be the second time since Christmas Eve. On neither occasion, did I actually press charges. I’m wondering if this was a mistake... .  but I think on the day I do press charges, I’ll finally be done with him.

I’m not suppose to be posting here. I’m suppose to be pitching a story idea to a photography magazine as they are interested in hiring me to do writing, but I can’t stop shaking and I can’t think straight enough to be able to see my way to getting my work done. I work in a creative field. I NEED to be able to process, and function, and create, and imagine. I can’t do any of these things while sitting in a spare room waiting for the shoe to drop.

He bought another BOX of wine this afternoon. He drinks a box of wine every evening. That is equal to four bottles of wine. There is always a reason ... .  because he thought I’d need it. Because he needs it to calm down because I’m such a btch and won’t let him relax in his own home. And then... .  because he is presently unemployed (he is frequently laid off from December to March) he is freaked out about money. This is of course because I’m such a financial drain on him (Mind you, I pay for all my own expenses and have contributed over $10,000 toward this family and household expenses in the last seven months... .  but that doesn’t count because the loved one of a BPD can’t give enough money, support, or love to fill the empty hole that exists inside our BPDS). It doesn’t occur to him that purchasing a box of wine everyday at 200kr equates to about 1000kr/week or 4000kr per month or about $650/month... .  conservatively speaking. But of course, he can’t help it because he is, as well as BPD, an alcoholic.

Last Saturday, I woke up in a cranky mood. I know I’m not suppose to do that because should I exhibit any emotion other than sunshine and light all hell will break out, but jeez marie, we are human. What is it with BPD? Maybe you wake up cranky and somehow that is a personal attack on them and elicits emotional outbursts, insults and a four day fight. God knows, I tried to regroup. Tried to snap myself out of my cranky mood, but it was too late. Within 5 minutes we were off and running. I tried to apologize, calm him down, suggest we watch a movie but nope... .  we were off to the land of no return.

So I came here to the spare room, as I often do, and watched some movies on the computer. I stayed out of his way... .  all day. And what... .  he comes to me. He comes with insults, bullying, snarling comments, tells me I have to leave and return to the US because he can’t stand living like this anymore. “You know you have to leave, right?”, he says to me  over and over in a snarling whisper. “So when are you going to leave?”  (He has told me on many occasions that I should, must, return to the US. Then of course, when he calms down he tells me how much he loves me and how I wants me to stay.) So, I continue to read my book and say “Yes, BPD, you have told me that”.  And I continued reading as he sat on the couch and continued to berate me. When I suggested that he go take some time for himself, he retorted with “Don’t tell me what to do. This is my apartment and if I want to be in here I will be.”

As the wine poured, his mood worsened. Of course. He threatened, actually told me, he was taking my kittens to the Vet on Wednesday and putting them down. So I locked myself, and my kittens, into the spare room, he started sending me links on our private Facebook account about vets and clinics that put down pets. He sent me links about the characteristics of psychopaths and explained that I was one of those. Meanwhile, he posted jokes and music videos and good wishes to all his friends on Facebook. Oh, the world thinks he is such a nice guy. I used to believe that too.

He hid the coffee pot so I couldn’t make coffee. He lowered the exercise pull-up bar down to waist level and put it in the door frame to the spare room so when I opened the door I had to duck under the bar in order to exit the room. He told me later that he thought that was fun? What the heck? He threw food into the sink, threw it on the floor, threw it in the garbage. He did this because interestingly, he had made me a plate for supper. I guess I didn’t eat the food fast enough (didn’t know there was a ten minute deadline) and so he freaked out, grabbed the plate, and threw food into the sink and garbage. He pulled the mattress off the bed and threw it into the livingroom and told me to sleep there. When he finally passed out, I moved the mattress to the spare room. He woke up and continued to drink. He shut off the electricity to the spare room, leaving me in darkness. He turned off the internet so I could not contact anyone or watch movies online. This is not the first time he has done this but this time he turned the utilities back on after about an hour.

Sunday arrives and because after some time, I finally had to open the door to go out and pee, he rushed into the room and grabbed my cell. “Soo... .  are we going to call the police again?”, he spit and snarled. “I can’t trust you anymore, I can’t relax in my own home without thinking a swat team is going to burst thru the door in the middle of the night.”  I replied that if he would just calm down, that would not be a consideration. But he was grabbing for my cell and I couldn’t let him have my only means of communication (He has already destroyed two previous cell phones). I struggled to get it back. Things got physical. I fled the apartment barefoot and went to the neighbor to try and call the police. Despite knocking on the doors of my neighbors. No one would let me in. (Prior to this I texted his brother repeatedly and pleaded that he come here and try to calm BPD down ... .  my texts went unanswered but the brother did send a message to BPD asking if he was ok!)

Once I exited the apartment, I went out into the courtyard and asked an elderly gentleman if he had a cell phone I could use. After briefly explaining, the gentleman told me he would go home and call the police for me. The police arrived but before they did, BPD exited the building.

Luckily, I had taken my cell phone (I managed to retrieve my cell but BPD had removed the battery) and my keys with me. I was able to re-enter the apartment. The police spoke with me for some time, offered support, called women’s shelters but I couldn’t leave my kittens here because I feared BPD would kill them. For the next 24-36 hours BPD calmed down and things were ok. He told me his greatest fear was that I WOULD COMMIT SUICIDE. Now that is scary ... .  is he projecting here?

I want to talk about my kittens for a moment. They are the sweetest, most lovely tempermented kittens. Trusting and purring. Never a problem. Over the weekend, BPD, in his attempts at moving things around and hiding things, kept moving the kitty litter box. I kept moving it back to the place where it has been since the kittens arrived 5 months ago. He’d move it right back to the middle of the bathroom hall. I finally said to him, “please stop moving the kitten litter because it confuses the kitties and it might result in some potty problems.” But nope ... .  BPD is the boss. So finally when I saw the litter once again moved, I left it where BPD placed it.

This brings us to this morning. Five minutes after having woken up, I was told that Little Sam is now peeing on everything BPD owns. “If that cat ruins all my floors you will pay to replace them.” I said nothing in response.  Do I need to tell you this is did not go over well? That little kitten was the most trusting little thing. If you walked up to him and pet him, he’d give a little “purrt” and show you his belly. Now he hides in a corner here with me in the spare room. His eyes always on the door when he hears the footsteps of BPD pass by. There is no more “purrt” when I try to pet him. He just looks at me with sad eyes.

BPD has turned the tap on while Sam is sleeping comfortably in the sink (Sam loves to sleep in the sink). Because of the peeing this morning, BPD walked into the livingroom where Sam was sitting on the couch and sprayed aerosol air freshener into the room in the direction of Sam. It frightened the poor little thing... .    it was meant to. As BPD was cleaning up kitten pee, little Sam walked over to the area and peed right in front of BPD on his dust rag. BPD freaked out and grabbed the kitten and THREW him into the kitty litter. Sam cried out in pain. The kittens and I have now remained in the spare room for 12 hours. Every now and then I’d venture out to the kitchen to get a bit to eat. My attempts were met with aggression. When I heard from the magazine today, I went out to tell BPD the happy news (Thinking this might help alleviate some stress from financial matters.) The news was met with congratulations and a smile. I sat down across the table and thought maybe a nice conversation might be had. Silly silly me.

He told me this was his house and that he was laying down some rules (He has A LOT of rules). He went on and on about the kitten pee. I did not respond but simply listened. He went on and on, working himself up more and more. I said “I’m sorry that you are feeling so stressed, but this is a temporary thing and yes I understand your house rules. YOu have made it clear”. This totally pissed him off, he stormed out the door, yelling at me that he can’t “have any F**** peace in his own house.” The kittens ran for cover. I literally flinch now in response to these outbursts. I sent him an email that read as follows:

"I know you are upset about many things. I wish I could help relieve your stress but I think you must find that relief from within yourself.  Regarding the kittens and me, you might want to consider finding some way of self calming. I understand that you feel enormous stress and that you are not happy, but outbursts only cause me and the kittens to become stressed as well. When you stormed out the door just now, the kittens and I were shaking.  Perhaps the unsettled atmosphere in the apartment is one of the causes of Sam's most recent problem. He is stressed too. And so am I. And little Spot, ran for cover. We can not spend everyday in the spare room so as to not upset you. That is no way for us to live. Please regroup and let us be a happy family again."

Doing the math. I find these episodes last about 3-4 days. It takes me 3 days to recover. This happens twice a month. That means 2 weeks out of every month, or 6 months out of the year, I am able to live a somewhat productive life ... .  baring in mind that even when BPD is stable, I’m still walking on eggshells. I used to have a fantastic and successful career as a writer, designer and photographer. Now I can barely put words together on paper. I have missed business opportunities and deadlines due to stress and being now 100% focused on BPD’s needs, or attempting to not be berated or causing any type of situation which might result in ... .  well, you know. I CAN NOT FOCUS ON WORK.

This man is going to be the ruination of me. Perhaps he already is. It is 7:30pm and I can hear the continuous sound of the wine glass clicking against the living room table. He is listening to The American National Anthem on YouTube and posted Bon Jovi’s American the beautiful to Facebook with the status of “I know most of my European friends will hate this but I love it”. Is it America he loves? Not the American Girl. What’s up with that? He has probably at this point, consumed at least 7-8 glasses of wine... .  perhaps more

I honestly don’t think I can handle any more and for sure, I don’t deserve this type of treatment. Does anyone? And yet, when the episodes are over... .  he is the most amazing man I’ve ever met. Should I call it a day and return to the US? Is there something I’m doing wrong? Should I be in better control of my actions? Suggestions and opinions are welcome. Is there any hope? In talking with my best gal pal, she says hang in there. In speaking with my son, he says "get the hell out NOW!"

[Surnia]

So sorry what you have to go through, sadinsweden! 

This is horrible. Alcohol, mental illness, sadistic actions... .  

Your son is absolutly right!

You need a exit plan and this fast. You need any support you can have. Please speak with a DV hotline or a woman skelter. Please do it for you.

[gina louise]

sadinsweden

I am not usually one to encourage leaving. but in this case I believe he's exhibiting more than the usual erratic behavior. I believe with him abusing alcohol he will be in less control of what he does.

I would consider your safety most important now. this is not a safe place for you and your kittens.

This is the point at which I left my HUSBAND and fled... .  the rages were cycling ever faster and there was no time in between for ME to recover.  I had no alcohol abuse to deal with in my r/s.

Alcohol/drugs makes everything magnified.

GL

[Gottagonow]

Staying cannot be an option. He will hurt the kittens, he will hurt you. You need to leave. Best to start planning an exit stratagy that involves you, your kittens, what you plan to take with you, and the police / DV folks. It soulds like you and your kittens are in a very dangerous situation.

having to lock youself in a room for hours or days at a time is bad.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

My heart breaks for your, Sadinsweden. This is bad, just really, really bad. I'm usually one for trying the tools listed on the Staying board, but this time I've got to be blunt: get an exit plan in place and then leave. Please go to the Leaving board and look for advice on exit strategies. This is not good. The alcoholism and sadism towards the kittens and mind-games with you are more than just borderline behaviour. Take care of yourself and the kittens! 

[Lunira]

Sorry for the bluntness, but I'm with your son on this one.  Leave now!  The only thing he's going to give you at this point is more of the same.  This insane, drunken raving, this belligerence, this abuse, this threatening your animals (What the heck?), this control freakery (he has NO RIGHT to attempt to deny you internet access, phone access, or any of that!) All of this nonsense!  I know you've made an investment here, but ... .  have you ever heard the phrase "chasing" as it applies to gambling?  You're spending more and more resources here, hoping to make back what you lost... .  and all you're doing is digging yourself deeper in the hole, same as a gambler.  This time it was the kitten that got hurled.  Next time it could just as easily be you, and he's already gotten physical with you once already!  For god's sake, get out.  And take your kitties with you, from what you've said this guy shouldn't look after a roach, let alone a cat.  *shudder*

[garthaz]

Sorry to hear about your plight. Seems worse than most. I would definately look for a way out.

I have found that my BPD just cannot handle cats. I think it has something to do with control. Mine would wake up every morning and search for something that the cat had done, and then be angry the entire day about it. I finally got rid of all cats, and it helped for a little while.

In youe case, somehow leave and take the cats. I wish you the best!

[sadinsweden]

Thanks all. I only have a moment. It is 10:09am and BPD is awake and already on his way to a new drunken day. I'm putting together an exit strategy (only in my mind at present because I don't know if I can leave this room to pee let alone put things together... .  I am thinking this will be a process!). He does leave nearly every day to go to the city for a few hours so I will check back in when I can. I will check the leaving board but if anyone can provide some links for fast and easy access for me, that would be appreciated. I'll write more when I can. Thank you all so very very much. It's much less lonely and scary with all of you here to support me.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Good luck! I'm not really up to speed on exit plans, but at least:

- make sure you have the numbers for womens's shelters and the police registered in your phone

- keep you phone and phone charger on you/with you in case you have to leave really quickly

- keep all your important paperwork/documents in your bag ready to go (don't forget credit cards and pass port)

- also pack a few toiletries and clean underwear (or whatever you feel  you need) in the bag. You can come back later with the police to pick up your things.

- He may distroy your things once you've left So make sure you have the really important stuff with you, mementoes, photoes, everything to do with your work, your cameras etc

I'll go ask on the leaving board that they comment on your thread here, since it's hard for your to get on line.

Stay strong! We're with you in spirit!

[Want2know]

If you ever find yourself in an emergency situation, there is a red button at the bottom of each thread that will provide additional information.  I sent you a PM, sadinsweden, hang in there!  Keep us posted on how you are doing. 

[morningagain]

If you ever find yourself in an emergency situation, there is a red button at the bottom of each thread that will provide additional information.  I sent you a PM, sadinsweden, hang in there!  Keep us posted on how you are doing. 

Dear sadinsweden,

Push the red button.  You are describing a dangerous situation that trumps any consideration of the disorder and empathy or sympathy.  Print out your post here - it is wonderful documentation.  Take it to a lawyer.  If and when he gets help for himself, and I hope he does, is not your responsibility.  You are responsible for protecting yourself, children, your kittens.  The situation is repeatedly out of control and more and more explosive.  Protect those precious to you.  Nobody has the entitlement to do what he is doing to you and yours vulnerable loved ones.

I am so sorry.

Michael

[sadinsweden]

You all are so wonderful you make me cry.   :'(

Is there any way to save a draft of a reply? Several times I've come on here to post and had to shut down because of the BPD and lost everything I was trying to write. I'll be back asap. I really really need sleep right now. Thank you everyone. 

[sadinsweden]

Just to update you briefly, I was able to take some moments to contact my son and best gal pal in the States. I did some other things as well but that did not go as planned. More to come.

Michael999 - I saved a copy of the post as both a text document and a PDF and mailed it to my best gal pal... .  just in case.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Michael999 - I saved a copy of the post as both a text document and a PDF and mailed it to my best gal pal... .  just in case.

Good idea! I hope you got some sleep

[morningagain]

Just to update you briefly, I was able to take some moments to contact my son and best gal pal in the States. I did some other things as well but that did not go as planned. More to come.

Michael999 - I saved a copy of the post as both a text document and a PDF and mailed it to my best gal pal... .  just in case.

Dear sadinsweden,

Very good.  I am proud of you    you are a good person and a good woman, and you are finding strength within you that perhaps you did not know you have.   

Be wise and use your strength to act on your wisdom.  Reach out as you are doing to those you trust for support and safety.  Through this crisis, you will carry yourself, your children and your kittens to a safe and peaceful place.

Godspeed.  You are in my prayers.   

Michael

[sadinsweden]

Hi folks, My BPD has mellowed out (for now). I left on Saturday and went into the city so I could have privacy and make a lot of phone calls. I got a good deal of information, which in some cases I have been able to act upon, in other cases not. One of the first numbers, which the police gave me for DV (a national number) did not answer their phone. I tried four times. I tried another hotline and a woman did answer and spoke to me for some time and gave me some good info and some additional services and phone numbers.

As you know it's difficult for me to post, or place calls, or gather info when BPD is home all day. For now, I'm just checking in to say I'm safe. The kittens are safe... .  I'm spending some quality time with them, sleeping and loving them up.  All is very very quiet. Thank you everyone... .  I swear I never would have gotten through this without you! I'll be back asap to update you more. I'm off to do some investigation, reading, googling and respond to some emails from family.    << This is for you.

[Surnia]

Great that you could make a lot of important phone calls in privacy! Luckily you found a DV number answering the phone!

Yes, keep your short time you have without him for you.

Kiss the cats from my side and I hope you will stay safe. And sadly I have to add: Be prepared.

[sadinsweden]

Surnia, That is exactly what I'm doing. I'm planning. Just a little bit today because I need to spend most of the day recovering, sleeping, loving those kittens. But little by little, I will have a plan ... .  hopefully in place before he goes cycles back again. 

[Go Fish]

Here is another number: the American Overseas Domestic Violence Crisis Center. First dial AT&T usadirect access number then at the prompt  866-879-6636, Or 866-USWOMEN.

Email crisis@866uswomen.org.

I would strongly advise against going back until you leave, only with someone else present. Send copies of your passport info to family. There are people everywhere who will help you and many people who care about you.

You've done the right thing.

[sadinsweden]

Thank you Go Fish. That is extremely helpful!

[Scarlet Phoenix]

I'm glad to hear you've got a plan and that you've got some helpful contact information. You're doing so good!    You're taking care of yourself and the kittens, you should be really proud of yourself. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

[sadinsweden]

Go Fish, that number did not work for me. I dialed the access code of 020799111 and the number you provided. I was told by a voice message service that the number was not available from my phone. 

[sadinsweden]

Scarlet Phoenix, I'm not proud of myself. I gambled everything. I lost everything. I sold my house, my car and all my belongings to come to Sweden for love. I trusted. Now I'm pretty much homeless and have to go back home to the USA and somehow restart my life with less than what I came here with... .  which was three suitcases. I spent all my money on this relationship and got absolutely no appreciation for it. No credit for it and all I heard was what a worthless person I am. No, I am not proud of myself. I'm an idiot.  :'(

[Surnia]

I know how you feel. 

You are not an idiot. You were perhaps naiv. You are perhaps like me to trustful. You made very difficult experiences, life is sometimes try and error.

Please, sadinsweden, don't beat yourself. 

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Scarlet Phoenix, I'm not proud of myself. I gambled everything. I lost everything. I sold my house, my car and all my belongings to come to Sweden for love. I trusted. Now I'm pretty much homeless and have to go back home to the USA and somehow restart my life with less than what I came here with... .  which was three suitcases. I spent all my money on this relationship and got absolutely no appreciation for it. No credit for it and all I heard was what a worthless person I am. No, I am not proud of myself. I'm an idiot.  :'(

No, you're not! You were trusting, as we all have been. You took a chance. That's human. That's normal. You didn't know what was in store for you. And now you're taking action to get yourself out of this extreme situation. That's not being stupid! That's being brave 

[Go Fish]

We have all trusted in love and didn't know what we were getting into. But you are staying safe and moving on, giving yourself the possibility of new opportunities in life. With all you have done, you will be able to start again. I have had to start over many times, and what I've learned is to keep talking to people, find those who believe in you and who will support you. Be patient with yourself. You have learned valuable lessons that will keep you from making the same mistakes.

I'm really sorry the phone number didn't work. Please try the email address. They said they had people ready to help 24 hours.

I think the period of regret is part of the process. That wave of regret will  diminish over time. But the important thing is you are safe and going home.

[sadinsweden]

Why does it hurt so bad? I'm still working on my exit plan. Researched today about transporting the kittens to the US. Found a vet in the neighborhood. Spoke with my gal pal about a possible apartment in the US. And I'm also trying to figure out if perhaps my temporary residence (I become a permanent resident in August) can be made into a permanent resident ... .  whereby I could remain in Sweden. I do love it here... .  but for now, I'm just researching options. Heading home is probably what I'll do.

So, as I begin to detach and boy o boy is it hard... .  I maintained a fairly ho-hum attitude about everything. Valentine's Day comes round and that guy brings me a great dinner, red roses, we watched a movie together. And BLAM! I made a joke about some stupid pop-up window and he freaks out. Whatever. So it's just been him insulting me, telling me I have to go back to the US, that six of his friends have diagnosed me as a sociopath, that last night I showed my true colors and blah blah blah... .   

But here's a weird thing. Last weekend, after he had cycled down, we were talking about boundaries. I explained that hiding the coffee pot, turning off the electric, turning off the internet etc... .  was completely unacceptable. His response? "Yeah" He says, "That was fun." I was stunned and I turned to look at him thinking this was just another snarky comment, but I swear to you... .  the man was smiling! A big happy friggin smile. He was proud. And ... .  while I will not go further into this... .  he was turned on. I read today in my research, that sometimes BPD's who have been abused find their behavior empowering and it makes them happy. ? 

[rosannadanna]

No, not necessarily, SadinSweden.

My BPD's father killed his mother when BPD was five.  Before he killed her, my PBD witness hideous abuse his father perpetrated on his mother and suffered it directly as well.  After his mother died, he continued to witness his father abuse of other women and experience sadistic abuse himself.  Ultimately, he witnessed his father kill a woman when BPD was 16!  He continued to work with his father until the age of 28, when BPD finally moved away.

His father displayed a few BPD traits, but was overwhelmingly ASPD/NPD.

Ok, you would think my BPD is a monster, right?  Well, I think he identifies more with his mother than his father in this scenario, especially b/c he was abused, just like his mother and all those other women.  He is mostly a male waif and abusing others for pleasure is just not his thing.  He identifies most closely to victim, sometimes rescuer (eternally trying to rescue his mother through his relationships with women), and not at all with persecuter.  In fact, he primarily expresses anger passive-aggressively and if he expresses it directly, he feels shame and remorse.

It depends on who your BPD identifies most with.  :)oes that make any sense?  Is figuring out the "why" making him any less harmful?