Feeling Lost

[griz]

As you may know DD has refused meds and therapy for some time now.  Her last visit with the P was about 7 months ago.  DD has always really liked him and they had a good relationship.  The last time she was there and she told him she didn't want to take the meds or go to therapy any longer he basically told her that is wasn't helpful to see him unless she wanted to be somewhat compliant. She came home pretty upset telling me that her and P had "broken up".  I am trying desperately to get DD back into therapy so I called the P and explained that although she is somewhat better, she has been cutting again and last night told her boyfriend that she was having flashbacks from her "date rape" (this she thinks we know nothing about).  I told him what was going on and the fact that he is really the only person DD trusts.  I know he sees patients in therapy and asked him if he would see her and he said he could not.  I asked him if we could make another appointment since she needs a new prescription for her Xanax that she occasionally uses.  I thought this would be a good opportunity for him to try to get her to go into therapy again.  This was his answer: " I really like DD alot and I know that she needs to be in therapy but it is just to unsettling for me to see her occasionally to give her Xanax and not know what is going on." I told him I understood that and that my hopes was that he could get her to agree to try therapy again.  He told me to give DD his number and have her call him and if he thinks he can get her to comply than he will make an appointment. 

I know in my heart DD will never comply especially over the phone so I guess I am on my own from now on. I really felt like he would be the one if any to get her to go. 

Griz

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[almostvegan]

I wish I had something positive to say, something that would help.

I know in the past I suggested you ask her boyfriend to go to therapy with her since he seems to really love her maybe shed comply?

I'm so sorry you're havi g a rough time with her.

The p should never have said that to you. If he won't see her he has the obligation to refer her to someone else. I know you has hopes shed to to him. Maybe if she had a suggestion of someone e new? Someone who doesn't know her past that she can feel safe starting over with? If you present it that way maybe? I don't know. I'm grasping at straws here trying to be helpful.

Does she have a trusted family member maybe? Grandma? An aunt ? A cool cousin she looks up to? So e times when the suggestion comes from someone other than mom and dad it makes all the difference.

Sending love and peaceful wishes

AV

[MammaMia]

Griz--- 

Why Oh why do they make life so difficult?  I understand where dd's P is coming from, but I would wonder if dd now feels abandoned by him.  Not good.  Can you talk to her and let her know he REALLY wants to help her but she MUST commit to doing what she needs to do to make their relationship work?  Why is she unwilling to do that?  That is the real question.

The solution is so simple to us... .  but we do not think the way our BPDs do. 

[griz]

AV:  her bf has asked her many times to go to therapy either alone or with him.  The dear boy actually goes to therapy himself now so that he can learn better way to help her.  (dh and I refer to him as "the saint".  I wish we had a family member or someone she felt close to. Unfortunetly we are on our own here, dh has no family left other than a sister that he is not that close to and all I have is a brother who hasn't spoken to me in two years and two parents with dymentia.  I will just keep trying and hope that maybe she will agree to call P and he can work some magic.

MM:  I know DD felt very abandoned by her P.  She made a joke out of it but I know it upset her.  I understand that he is frustrated when she won't take meds or go to therapy but he also knows that she will talk to him.  I believe that she is not willing to go to therapy because she takes full responsiblity for what happen to her.  I even mentioned it to P on the phone and he said he believes that she needs to deal with this also.  The only other person she has ever told about what happened is her bf.

I will give her his message and his phone number and pray that she will call.

Griz

[almostvegan]

Hey here's an idea: maybe the p can call her! She is still his patient! He can call her to " check in" and maybe that will help.

Peace

[griz]

DD met me after work and I had to drive her to her internship.  We have about an hour in between so I try to make it so we go out for a bite in between and spend some time alone.  I waited until we sat down and had our food and I told her that I had called the P because she mentioned that she had no more Xanax. She asked me what he said and I took his phone number out of my pocketbook and handed it to her and said, "he would like you to call him".  A big smile came on her face and she said why? I took your advice and said, "You know he REALLY likes you" she giggled and said well then he shouldn't have broken up with me.  We laughed a little and I said, well I mentioned that to him and he said he didn't break up with you he just doesn't feel like there is any point in you coming to see him if you don't want to take his advice.  She said what advice, I went to DBT and it didn't work and supposedly that is the only cure for what I have.  So I said, maybe DBT doesn't work for you but I am sure there are plenty of other kinds of therapy that you could try to you find something you are comfortable with.  I am sure Dr. P has a few ideas but you will have to call him first.  She didn't answer and left the number lying on the table.  When we were leaving she took out her phone  checked it for a few moments and then handed me the paper and said, I don't need this I have his number in my phone.

So we left and when I dropped her off I calmly said, "so will you call him" and she answered me with sure, but not tonight. I'm still mad that he broke up with me so for tonight I am going to stand him up" (that is so DD's sense of humor)  We both laughed and I just said, serves him right!

I think she will call.  She almost looked relieved.  I am praying we will get somewhere and if not I loved your suggestion AV-- he could call her.

Griz

[MammaMia]

Good job, Griz! 

Now that your dd feels she has some control, she does not feel rejected.  Her therapist REALLY wants HER to call HIM.  He must care.  She may torture him for a day or two ... .  just for fun.  Great job at not getting too emotional with her or pushing too hard.  I hope she calls and things go well. 

Good luck. 

[peaceplease]

griz,

That is fantastic!

Oh, and can we clone dd's bf?   God bless him!   He really loves her and is a gem.  Of course, you know that already.

I hope that it works out with your dd and P.   Your dd does have a great sense of humor.

peaceplease

[almostvegan]

Oh what a great interaction! I hope she calls.

Sending vibes of hope

AV

[griz]

So here is my update.  Yesterday DD's class was cancelled so she stayed home and I went to work. She called me at noon and I told her I was leaving early so she should be ready at 130 for me to pick her up so we could run out to get a gift for her friend. No problem.  I pulled up to the house at 130, DD was showered and ready to go.  We had a nice time shopping and came home to get ready for the storm.  On the way home she started making jokes about calling the P, like "you know I was going to call last night but then I thought he broke up with me and never even said we could still be friends", or " after we broke up he never game me my stuff back".  We were laughing and all of a sudden she got very quiet and I could see her mood changing.  I asked her what was wrong and she told me that she is concerned and upset because she has times when she feels so good like she can really get it together and then all of a sudden her mood changes.  She gave me an example of the other day she had a great day at school, all her work was done was feeling good about herself and she decided she was never ever going to cut again. She  didn't need to be so obsessed with her weight and she could see all the things she wanted to do.  She even sat down and made a list, planned some things she wanted to accomplish and was happy with her progress .  But that night out of nowhere she became very depressed and sad. She ended up cutting and then she was disgusted with herself.  She said (and this was hard to hear) "you know it is almost better to always be depressed because then the world always just sucks but when I get happy and I make all these plans and then get depressed it is worse because then I am depressed and I realize that I didn't do anything I thought I could and then I am a depressed failure".  She told me she was concerned because she has been researching her feelings on line and she thinks she is not BPD but manic depressive.  I just answered with "that is really insightful of you to realize that, I bet Dr. P could help you out with figuring this out" and she said yea I am going to call him.  I really need to see him.  She said she has tried to call a few times but she gets nervous and when she goes to call she hangs up the phone.  AV: I took your suggestion here:  I said would  you like him to call you and she just shrugged. So I said to her making that call is hard the first time.  Why don't you call him over the weekend.  I know he isn't in his office but he told me to tell you if he isn't there to just leave your cell phone number and he will call you.  (he did say that).  You will probably feel a little relieved knowing you made the call and it will be easier and he will call you back.  She liked that idea.

The night wasn't good.  She was very depressed and went to her room.  BF texted me a few times asking me to check on her that she didn't sound good so I did. She told me to leave her alone and she wanted to go to sleep.  DH and I finally went and sat in our den and watched the snow fall together.  We were very quiet and he saw the tears rolling down my face and just held my hand and he sat and cried silently with me.  I am trying to be strong.

Griz

[MammaMia]

Griz... .  

One of the cruelest parts of this horrible disease is the mood swings.  Just when you think progress has been made... .  BOOM!  The world comes tumbling down.  :)D really needs to see her P.  She knows it, and she wants it, but is helpless when it comes to following through.  I pray she does call him and if she does not, I think you should tell him what happened.  He may have to break his code of silence and contact her.  Once he is aware of the situation, he will have to do something.  The only other option might be the ER.  Of course, today is a new day and her mood may be totally different.  

We live in such a frightening place.  Just imagine what DD is going through.  My heart breaks for you.  I am so sorry.

I do not know where you live with regard to the blizzard but hope you are safe.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

I can see how you feel that way... .  and how painful it is to see our kids suffer so. I think you dd said some very insightful things... .  she realizes there is a problem and has even tried to search out what that can be... .  that is huge! Coming from my world where my dd often refuses to accept responsibility for anything she does and blames everyone... .  

I hope she reconnects with her P... .  maybe you should call him and talk again with him. There must be some way to get them together again. I also feel she really needs the meds right now and I worry she is just too depressed to think straight... .  

Stay strong... .  I think you are doing good and your dd is making some very painful steps but I think she might be on the brink of something new... .  I hope she makes that next step and calls... .  please keep us updated