I commend those of you who managed to make it work

[BroiledBunny]

I escaped from my GF who I lived in about a year ago.

Classic BPD I now know.

Pretty much everything on the list, though I'm not aware of her

self harming, but she threatened suicide frequently to keep me from leaving.

By the end, of course I knew she wouldn't.

It was just a control thing. She's still alive and well and looking for a new victim but I have noticed no one is willing to take her on for the long term.

It's interesting reading here of people's success stories.

Friends always say " You can't fix crazy",

but can you?

People here seem to say you can!

She had all the qualities I'd ever wanted in a woman, was funny, loving, athletic, outgoing, beautiful. I loved her with every fiber of my body, though she always said she didn't think I loved her enough. My body ached when I wasn't with her for a period of time, but any time away only occurred from what she considered a break up. She needed physical proximity, I just kept thinking if she could have backed off a little, it would have been tolerable,

oh but the raging! And no getting away. Try to put some distance, timeout to cool off, she'd break down the door. Escalate Escalate Escalate.

She also could rage for DAYS, about she was certain I had other women.

No respect for boundaries now matter what I did. Just right on top of me all the time.

Ha, reading this kind of brings to my mind the feelings I had for her, and

makes me wonder if I'd known about BPD sooner, and the tools we could have used, could it have worked?

Of course there was also her reluctance to get work, and drinking since she didn't have a job, she was drinking all hours of the day hanging out with friends in the afternoon.

Well, I guess I'll never know, but ha reading this makes me feel like I'm still in love with her after a year. I feel like I want to run and tell her, I know whats wrong (with you, and that wouldn't go over well) and maybe it can be fixed.

But no, I won't do those things.

I guess it's just that I haven't been in a relationship now since we split.

I knew I had and still have my own issues to work out.

Now I have a starting point, I can look at my own behaviors, and hopefully change so I can be with someone without attracting these kinds of woman.

Ah, but still my heart is actually thinking about how much I miss her too... .

but all I have to do is replay a day in the life with her in my mind of when she was raging... .fuggetaboutit! Wish I could.

Bigger fish fry, like I am not working.

I commend those of you who managed to make it work.

I'll always wonder if there could have been any hope if I'd known sooner about BPD. But I think she already knew. I asked her once if she'd ever seen a therapist about her abandonment issues, and she just rolled her eyes, and said yes, many times. I didn't know the abandonment issue was part of a larger problem.

We went to relationship therapist who must have picked up on it, and didn't tell me.

Well congrats to those of you who are happy now.

[MaybeSo]

It's interesting reading here of people's success stories.

Friends always say " You can't fix crazy",

but can you?

People here seem to say you can.

Broiled Bunny... .if you read through this thread closely, the underlying theme is fix yourself first, not someone else. That's goes for Steph who is probably the 'biggest' success story here, right on down to the smallest success story here.  So, I'm wondering how you came away with the idea that people here think they can fix crazy and that is a success?  I don't see that here at all.  I see people working really hard to turn the focus away from a disordered person and back onto themselves, their own health, their own detachment,  their own lives, goals, boundaries, and looking at their own emotional dependancy issues etc. In or out of the relationship.  That's what I see as the biggest success here.  

[Husband0]

Thanks to everyone who's making the effort to come back and post about success. I'm sure it's not nearly as motivating to share when things are good vs. when they're bad.

I have a question. My wife of 8 years has been diagnosed for 4 months and she, her therapist, and I all agree she's making good progress. She's much more honest than ever before, and she seems very motivated to continue to work hard. But, I have one nagging concern - I've been unable to find a single success story here or elsewhere where one's significant other was a serial cheater before being diagnosed and stopped that behavior after therapy. Can anyone pitch in with either a personal experience, a link to some else's story, or a recommendation for a book with an example like that? Thanks so much.

[HarmKrakow]

Ps, I also think the reason there are few stories here is because when a BPDer gets better, their family members don't use the site as much? Just a thought!

Or, to also stay realistic, they might have given up and started NC with their BPDer.

I tend to believe that there are successful BPD stories, however, at which cost for the NON-BPDer? And yes, there is a group of BPDers who do seek treatment. And yeah, they can make good progress, the only question I always have, will they remain in treatment? Because i've read many stories here on the board where the BPDer went into treatment, but when the r/s broke, the BPDer quit and went straight to another 'victim'.

[momtara]

I notice that a lot of the success stories are for people who don't mention small children.  I wonder if it's possible to stay with a BPD person who's just starting therapy while having two very young children.  Right now our house is so calm because he's staying somewhere else.  Can't bring myself to let him back in.  I don't know if I ever will, and that's hard for me.

[hithere]

I tend to believe that there are successful BPD stories, however, at which cost for the NON-BPDer?

I agree, it seems most of the staying stories I read are people that have and continue to alter their life to accommodate their BPD partner and they get very little in return.

I can't figure out if these people are very strong for being able to stay or have just given up on being happy.  Or both.

Because i've read many stories here on the board where the BPDer went into treatment, but when the r/s broke, the BPDer quit and went straight to another 'victim'.

Yep, mine would always take the path of least resistance.  When she knew I was done it was much easier to find a new victim than work at therapy.

[tuum est61]

Yep, mine would always take the path of least resistance.  When she knew I was done it was much easier to find a new victim than work at therapy.

Hithere,

Your words seem to reflect that you used to be with a pwBPD, and now you are not.  Leaving may have indeed have been your version of success.

[Steph]

 I have a success story.

No BPD symptoms of my dh for 5 years now.

This happened after 3 years of DBT, and almost a year separated.

During the year of separation, we were both in therapy, and we were in MC.

It took both of us getting well to make our marriage work, even tho he was getting better in DBT. I was still broken.

We had no small kids at home. I dont think we would have survived with small kids, tho I may have considered reconcilliation after DBT and lots of therapists telling me it was safe for the kids. Not sure, tho.

I DO know that it takes two to get well, however, if we want a healthy relationship

Steph

[Auspicious]

I notice that a lot of the success stories are for people who don't mention small children.  I wonder if it's possible to stay with a BPD person who's just starting therapy while having two very young children.  Right now our house is so calm because he's staying somewhere else.  Can't bring myself to let him back in.  I don't know if I ever will, and that's hard for me.

Everybody's situation will be different.

We had four children under seven when things totally imploded with me and my dBPD wife. Fortunately she was away during the very worst times - either from choosing to stay away after a hospitalization, or because I insisted on a separation.

We're still together, and nothing too crazy has happened for several years now. She's been through more than a year of DBT. Things aren't perfect, but we are making it. It could have gone the other way, though.

The key was making healthy changes in me. Stay or go, I needed to change how I did things. I needed to stop letting her mental illness run the show, and start doing what made sense, no matter what she chose to do.

[morningagain]

It's interesting reading here of people's success stories.

Friends always say " You can't fix crazy",

but can you?

People here seem to say you can.

Broiled Bunny... .  if you read through this thread closely, the underlying theme is fix yourself first, not someone else. That's goes for Steph who is probably the 'biggest' success story here, right on down to the smallest success story here.  So, I'm wondering how you came away with the idea that people here think they can fix crazy and that is a success?  I don't see that here at all.  I see people working really hard to turn the focus away from a disordered person and back onto themselves, their own health, their own detachment,  their own lives, goals, boundaries, and looking at their own emotional dependancy issues etc. In or out of the relationship.  That's what I see as the biggest success here.  

MaybeSo - Amen.  I continue to grow and learn.  I am facing myself for the first time in this way, with this much honesty and clarity.  In some ways I am so much better of a person and so much more peaceful.

Regardless of the final disposition of my marriage, I am a better person.  Each discussion I have with my wife, I learn more about myself now.  I am finding out how deep my issues have been and bringing them into the light of day.  I am not triggering her, and so many things I felt and thought about her from the early days, that I had rejected, dismissed, burned and tossed away during and after the demolition, I am finding out to be true - many good things co-exist with the disorder.  We each share many common underlying hurts and dysfunctional or semi-functional constructs.  Our issues fused together to explode and overwhelm our positive, mature aspects.  I sure am finding out a lot about, for example, what it means to live with black and white thinking and smearing someone black - it is a terrible guilt to live with and learning from it and how to live with what I have done is not easy for me - and that is just one feature of the issues.  The more I pave the way, as just her friend right now, the more understanding she shows me she already knew about herself, and the more receptive she is to what I have learned.  All I do is simple - share my experience and learning with her regarding my role and what these things mean to me with no expectations that I place on her - told her about my role in the Karpman triangle, for example and how I really like that it addresses all parties equally and how I really get that I played an equal role.  Did she say see I told you so?  No.  Did she jump on the chance to blame, blame, deflect and blame?  No.  She described her role.  She described her astonishment.  She described her mother's role.  She described how no matter what people you throw into the triangle - gave about 5 examples each including her - how bad it gets.  She described how she would jump from one role to the other.

I hold no illusions.  It is a very different thing to have one discussion now every 3 or 4 days when we are not triggering each other than living in constant intimate contact.  I am only speaking with her when she is not 'escalated'.  What I can say is that at minimum, I can be a friend to her and she can be a friend to me, for now, for this moment, and that is a good thing and will stay a good thing as long as I live my values and hold my boundaries for me.

Anything more or anything less?  I will work on me, learn and live best I can, and not force the future, one way or the other.



Michael