Cheating: Do you really want to know?

[wb1233]

My 3 year relationship with my uBPDexgf gas spiraling out of control towards the end of our relationship. We were both seeing T's. After several sessions my T suggested getting the book Walking on Eggshells based on some of her behavior and interactions with me. Needless to say that I got the book and I began to come out of the fog. It definitely described a lot, if not most, of what I was experiencing. I started to do research on BPD on the internet and it seemed that cheating was very prevalent with this disorder.

She(33) had been with her ex-husband from the age of 14 and married at 18. She assured me that he was her first and only lover until she met me at age 30. I(44) had no reason to doubt her. She came accross as being very sincere. We both attended the same church when we met while she was going through her divorce. Through out the course of our relationship she would tell that I was the only other man that she had ever been with. Somewhere along the line she also told me that she was not a very good liar. Which I believed.

Fast forward to the spiraling out of control of our relationship. I was trying very hard to salvage it. I loved her.  But now, having been armed with the information that I had on BPD I wanted to confirm if indeed she had this disorder. So during a push and pull texting match I decided to press her on cheating. I told her that "I know that you've cheated." She responded "ridiculous". I reponded "I know you've gone outside of our relationship". I told her that "I know for a fact that you've cheated I just want to see if your're going lie or be honest". Her response "fine, yes I did cheat but I'm not going to tell you in a text". My heart dropped. I had no clue or reason to ever suspect. I came to find out that during a trip to Las Vegas with some girlfriends she had a one night stand with some guy she met at a bar. The funny thing is I didn't sense any guilt or remorse. It happened a year and a half into our relationship. She later said that she never should have told me and taken it to the grave. What the heck?

So maybe if anyone is brave enough to "press" it. It worked for me but the jury is still out on whether it was worth it. In the end it doesn't prove BPD, but with everything else, it fits the bill. 

[GustheDog]

Maybe my ex cheated, maybe she didn't.  What basis is there for such a speculation?  Certainly not the idea that I "know her."  No one knows her - there is no "her" to know.

I asked her if she cheated.  She said she "should be angry with me for asking that."  I'd like to believe her, but, ultimately, I really don't care.

What difference does it make?  The whole relationship was a farce that was based on false perceptions, dishonesty, manipulation, control, and I was thrown under the bus without an afterthought as she went off to do whatever the hell it is she's doing right now.  The deep betrayal that comprises the sum of the entire relationship isn't really made better or worse depending on whether she slept with other men while we were together, at least for me.

She's capable of it - that much I believe.  If she's capable of doing and saying the things I have witnessed firsthand, then she's capable of cheating.

Sorry to hear about your ex's infidelity, wb.  But, really, our exes are not good people and they've treated us accordingly.  You're better than she is, and she knows it.  This is one of many, many reasons why she despises herself.  You might feel like you lost, but, really, you won.  So did I.

[KellyO]

I would like to know. For me it is much worse to live with something I don't know, but have a hunch about, than with something I know. If I would hear tomorrow he cheated me, I would be happy! It was not my imagination!

[stoic83]

Maybe my ex cheated, maybe she didn't.  What basis is there for such a speculation?  Certainly not the idea that I "know her."  No one knows her - there is no "her" to know.

I asked her if she cheated.  She said she "should be angry with me for asking that."  I'd like to believe her, but, ultimately, I really don't care.

What difference does it make?  The whole relationship was a farce that was based on false perceptions, dishonesty, manipulation, control, and I was thrown under the bus without an afterthought as she went off to do whatever the hell it is she's doing right now.  The deep betrayal that comprises the sum of the entire relationship isn't really made better or worse depending on whether she slept with other men while we were together, at least for me.

She's capable of it - that much I believe.  If she's capable of doing and saying the things I have witnessed firsthand, then she's capable of cheating.

Sorry to hear about your ex's infidelity, wb.  But, really, our exes are not good people and they've treated us accordingly.  You're better than she is, and she knows it.  This is one of many, many reasons why she despises herself.  You might feel like you lost, but, really, you won.  So did I.

Hey wb,

I was really paranoid about the cheating... .  in fact to some extent my suspicion with cheating kept me in the relationship. I just wanted to know the truth... .  in the end i said "look i have a lot of questions... .  but it doesn't matter because i won't even know if I got an honest answer to them". That's one of the most important signs of closure for me... .  when i didn't care what she said anymore because it was exhausting to place value in anything she said... .  tell me what she thinks i need to hear and know, even lying about things that make no sense to lie about.

Gusthedog is the voice of reason though. He's got a lot stronger sense of core identity than I do right now. The truth is that we have integrity, and it drives them nuts... .  they are much better off being with someone who is as messed up or worse off than they are. They can beat eachother, lie to eachother and then go on jerry springer and complain about it... .  do they really care? They would never be on this board. They are not capable of caring about anyone else, or being emotionally affected in a conscious adult way. They are lost children looking for their parents in everybody... .  just child-like and reckless... .  disaster prone... .  like a kid playing in the street who never learned what "stranger danger" was. Why do people on jerry springer have 3 kids and sleep with their cousins if they care? Because they do whatever the fk they feel like doing because they are emotionally under-cooked.

I know im flipping back and forth between compassion and reason... .  but on a surface level, gus is totally right and you have a more evolved code of ethics than she does... and she resents you for it, you make her feel like crap. She wants to hang out with people who are worse than her, not just worse than you, and idealize them because it's safer... .  

They want you to mirror them... .  if she cheats on you, then she is bad and wants to be punished! It's all just some game to them... .  really shallow emotions, it's actually pretty creepy and disgusting. In the end I felt like she was a child... .  I never lived with her for the 4 years I've known her up until the two months I allowed it, because her dad died and i was afraid she was gonna off herself.

I looked at her like bambi... .  an innocent creature with an immature brain that is prone to getting shot in the forest because it doesn't know how to protect itself and trusts everybody and does whatever it feels like doing because it has no restraint.

Staying with her on and off for 4 years was like watching bambi get shot over and over and over and over... .  and in the end I just couldn't stomach it any more, and the fact that she didn't care enough to get medication or therapy to stop hurting herself or other people just made me finally have to change the channel. She was self aware... .  and it was just sad. She knew she was getting worse, and there was nothing anybody could do about it... .  but she should've gone to therapy.

This is the best thing that has ever happened to me... .  her and I both know that... .  and she's miserable about it, because she knows she isn't capable of having that fairy tale ending... .  because she has no impulse control and even if she has integrity, can easily justify anything with her toolbelt of manipulation... .  being able to flip on and off feelings like a light switch is a powerful thing for a woman with her looks and emotionally undercooked angry child mentality!

Shes made it so far being the way she is... .  and pretty much knows shes going to be okay no matter what because shes attractive and she can always find some slouch to pay her way... .  no reason to change. By the time she is older and men dont hit on her(daddy validating the afraid little girl)... .  she will probably be a lesbian(mommy feels safer) (this is what happened to my exwBPD's mom who is disgusting and is not gay and has been partnered with a woman for 17 years).

You dodged a bullet buddy. I hope your next girlfriend reads articles on how to better please her man:)

[nolisan]

After my ExBPD was gone for a month I joined an online dating site ... .  guess who was on the system?

Her picture was from a time before our r/s began. She never took it down while we were together. Makes me wonder what she was up to in the frequent "time outs" she would impose on me.

Of course she told me ealy on that "fidelity" was a must in any of her relationships. The one time she said that she though marriage could include more than two people.

Crazy making! Glad she is out of my life 4 months NC.

[nolisan]

Furthermore she would go on about her "high ethics" - very intellectual stuff. Oh course her ethics were superiour to everyone elses.

The ultimate hypocryt! Makes me ill to recall that I bought into the BS.

[tigertiger]

I would like to know I think

[gettingoverit]

I wonder from time to time as well. In fact I wouldn't be surprised. However, why do we really want to know? To confirm what low lives they are? I already know that, I don't need one more thing to confirm what has been made abundantly clear already.

[Ex-Vamp-Slayer]

Does it really matter? I think it matters to us early into the breakup as the denial about who we were with slowly goes away. Once the denial is gone then it really doesn't matter. The best part is focusing on me, my mistakes, character defects and start the process of improving myself and my life.

She lied, cheated, manipulated and stole from me and almost everyone she came into contact with, so infidelity... .  doesn't really matter, it's just one more sign of no character. One of her last text to me was, "I hope you don't hate me for ever" which is kind of funny, because we had several conversations where I clearly stated that I just don't have it in me to hate someone. She must of been thinking that she hoped that she wouldn't hate herself forever.

[ricky rick]

For those who didnt know weather they were cheated on... .  Most likely you were. Makes me want to puke knowing these people just do this without any remorse of any kind.

[tailspin]

 

I really don't care anymore but it used to bug the crap out of me.  

Let's say for arguments sake that your ex cheated on you.  This says nothing about you and everything about them, right?  I was faithful to my ex and this is the only thing that really matters to me.  Whatever he did is on him.

Gus has a great point of view... .  it doesn't matter anymore what they did or didn't do because many of us will never really know "their" truth.  

Maybe it's enough just to know our own.

tailspin

[Somewhere]

Suppose it is handy to justify dumping them?

Just saying.

I mean otherwise, it is kind of like dumping the old dog out of the car on a back road.

When you consider that it is basically a mental illness, if they have not truly wronged you, they are deserved some consideration. 

[Traye]

I think GustheDog has it right... .  eventually, why does it matter given that so many other aspects of the relationship were so messed up?  I wanted to know in the early days following the breakup--now I'm just assuming she did cheat.  Even if she didn't cheat, she lied about so many other things, and treated me so badly, making the cheating question only one small part of the entire equation. 

[stoic83]

Mine would allude to cheating situations that I already imagined so that was somewhat of justification.

For instance, I thought something was fishy with this couple that she was friends with in AA... .  then one day she told me that the couple used to hook up with third parties a long time ago.

I think this was a half-truth, and when I immediately confronted her on it... .  she said no, of course not... .  I can't believe you thought that... .  you are so paranoid, you should really talk to somebody.

Plus it seems like her sister was coming on to me... .  wouldn't surprise me one bit if she cheated. she's a freak show, and has no qualms about lying... .  it seems like she was trying to make me very controlling and angry so she wouldn't cheat. She needs that, some scary abuser that threatens her or something... .  in any case, i would prefer to snuggle with someone and watch abc family... .  so if that was what i had to do to have a monogamous relationship with her, I figure to go fishing in some other pond.

The sickest part is, I realized she wasn't "cheating" on me. She was "cheating" with me... .  on Dad. The ex-hell's angel philanderer addict married 4 times... .  molested his kids.     I realize mom gets jealous of my girlfriends, luckily my mom just liked talking smack on my dad with me... .  not taking advantage of me in such grotesque and unspeakable fashion. I will never be the same... .  forget cheating, this is some spirtual holocaust sht. Lucky you got out when you did. I need to go bathe in a french cave or something... .  my soul is wrecked from this.

[wb1233]

Stoic

Several times my exgf borught up the topic of swingers and threesomes. Almost as if she was fishing to see if I'd bite. Gave me a really bad feeling knowing that she had these converstations with other people and then bring them over to me. Definitely a lack of boundaries.   So I guess anything could have happened behind our backs. Makes me sick