Am I a "fixer-upper" magnet?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I almost posted this in the board about starting to date again, but then realized it turned more into what's wrong with me, so I put it here:P

Been a long time since I've been on here, can't even recall the last time:P And I guess I thought I had kinda moved on since I was out of the relationship and had let it go and was doing pretty good:)  However, here I am almost 2 years out and thinking about jumping back into the dating game sometime in the near future.  I'm slightly excited, slightly optimistic and a whole lot scared:P  In the meantime I've made a "friend" in an MMORPG (Massively Multiplayer Online Roleplaying Game for those of you who are not computer nerds:P) and am horrified to discover that as I get to know him more he is raising all kinds of red flags of my ex><  He's depressed, hopelessly pessimistic, has no job, no life, lives at home with mommy and daddy in his late twenties and just feels sorry for himself all day long, oh and is moody as hell><  One minute he's all sweet to me and the next he's cold as an ice cube><  And I'm feeling myself getting sucked right into the drama and basing my happiness (for that moment anyway) on whether he's into me or not>< And I'm getting the old familiar feelings of wanting to "make him happy">< So I'm starting to think I'm a magnet for "fixer-uppers" and I'm worried><   As long as I'm still open to needy loser guys who look to me to fill the miserable void in their life, and then later blame me for it, I'm gonna end up in another really bad situation><  Help!

Why do I attract guys like this and how can I stop?

[KeepingPeace]

I almost posted this in the board about starting to date again, but then realized it turned more into what's wrong with me, so I put it here:P

Been a long time since I've been on here, can't even recall the last time:P And I guess I thought I had kinda moved on since I was out of the relationship and had let it go and was doing pretty good:)  However, here I am almost 2 years out and thinking about jumping back into the dating game sometime in the near future.  I'm slightly excited, slightly optimistic and a whole lot scared:P  In the meantime I've made a "friend" in an MMORPG (Massively Multiplayer Online Roleplaying Game for those of you who are not computer nerds:P) and am horrified to discover that as I get to know him more he is raising all kinds of red flags of my ex><  He's depressed, hopelessly pessimistic, has no job, no life, lives at home with mommy and daddy in his late twenties and just feels sorry for himself all day long, oh and is moody as hell><  One minute he's all sweet to me and the next he's cold as an ice cube><  And I'm feeling myself getting sucked right into the drama and basing my happiness (for that moment anyway) on whether he's into me or not>< And I'm getting the old familiar feelings of wanting to "make him happy">< So I'm starting to think I'm a magnet for "fixer-uppers" and I'm worried><   As long as I'm still open to needy loser guys who look to me to fill the miserable void in their life, and then later blame me for it, I'm gonna end up in another really bad situation><  Help!

Why do I attract guys like this and how can I stop?

[yeeter]

Hi Peace!

This sounds like you have learned!   

In that, you are recognizing dynamics and flags that you might have missed before.  A friend of mine told me once:  'life is a series of lessons... .  If you don't learn the first time, don't worry, you will get that lesson again'

Now for the final step:  you are seeing the flags and recognizing your tendencies.  What will you do differently this time?  (hint:  something DIFFErENT!.  On option would be, run!).  It does sound like a journey of self discovery and growth

You stop, by knowing it's not healthy for you to continue.  And prioritizing your own well being over others.

[FindingMe2011]

  I'm slightly excited, slightly optimistic and a whole lot scared:P   

The fear of the unknown, and it appears, what it is, you know least about, is yourself.

    He's depressed, hopelessly pessimistic, has no job, no life, lives at home with mommy and daddy in his late twenties and just feels sorry for himself all day long, oh and is moody as hell><  One minute he's all sweet to me and the next he's cold as an ice cube><   And I'm feeling myself getting sucked right into the drama and basing my happiness (for that moment anyway) on whether he's into me or not>< And I'm getting the old familiar feelings of wanting to "make him happy">   

  Doesnt seem like a opportunity, for much success. I applaud you, for catching the red flags, before you became really enmeshed.

  < So I'm starting to think I'm a magnet for "fixer-uppers" and I'm worried>   

Make no mistake, you seek them out, also. Its not so much a coincidence, or by chance event, as your words imply.

   As long as I'm still open to needy loser guys who look to me to fill the miserable void in their life, and then later blame me for it,   

Why are you open to needy, loser, guys?... .  to fill a void you perceive, in your life? At this point, your chances are better than average, that you will end up, in a bad situation.

   Why do I attract guys like this and how can I stop   

Because you are attracted to guys like this... .  Look into your FOO (family of origin ), self esteem, self worth, feelings and beliefs. Before you can truly understand others motives and intentions, we must first understand our own... .  I wish you well, PEACE

[MaybeSo]

Good that your awareness has been heightened... .  you are waking up.

Generally, we do what feels familiar to us. This attraction, this role, is something you probably did with important people in childhood. Give it some serious thought.

[KeepingPeace]

Thanks for your replies:)

Yeah, at least I am consciously aware of the flags now and know that someone like that is not someone I want to associate with really.  So I'm gonna take a step in the right direction this time and walk the other way... .    I think part of my problem is caring too much (about other people's problems><.  I feel so cold and selfish to walk away from someone when they in such a bad place But I know now that no matter how much I give and how much I let them suck me dry, nothing I do is really going to help someone like that, and they are way too absorbed in their own misery to ever give me anything back  All I'm doing is hurting myself, and not helping them.  So I don't want to be a "fixer" anymore>< or a "rescuer"... .  

And yes, your right... thinking about it I can see some unhealthy dynamics in my FOO and probably learned young that it was my job to make the people around me happy... .    And I've never had very high self-esteem, something else that I see reflected in my FOO... .  

So I guess I've got some things to work on:P Not just for my own sake, but for my daughter's... .  If I want her to grow up to be a healthy, happy, confident woman, then I need to be a healthy, happy, confident mother... .  

~KP

[ambi]

For me - I was attracted to fixer uppers as well.  If they needed me, I could do stuff for them and fix them and rescue them and then they'd love me.  It was my core belief that no one could love me unless I was doing and giving.  And... .  being with someone who needs you was a sense of security.  If they need me, they are less likely to leave me because I bring a value to the table.  

[FindingMe2011]

Thanks for your replies:)

Yeah, at least I am consciously aware of the flags now and know that someone like that is not someone I want to associate with really.  So I'm gonna take a step in the right direction this time and walk the other way... .    I think part of my problem is caring too much (about other people's problems><.  I feel so cold and selfish to walk away from someone when they in such a bad place But I know now that no matter how much I give and how much I let them suck me dry, nothing I do is really going to help someone like that, and they are way too absorbed in their own misery to ever give me anything back  All I'm doing is hurting myself, and not helping them.  So I don't want to be a "fixer" anymore>< or a "rescuer"... .  

And yes, your right... thinking about it I can see some unhealthy dynamics in my FOO and probably learned young that it was my job to make the people around me happy... .    And I've never had very high self-esteem, something else that I see reflected in my FOO... .  

So I guess I've got some things to work on:P Not just for my own sake, but for my daughter's... .  If I want her to grow up to be a healthy, happy, confident woman, then I need to be a healthy, happy, confident mother... .  

~KP

         "Cold and selfish", is not the same thing as "taking care of your own well-being".  In fact, the more you do this, the healthier you become... .  I wish you well, PEACE

[Somewhere]

Sounds about right.

Since I tend to be nice to "them," I now have three what I jokingly call "stalkers" hoping to grab me if Mrs. Somewhere crashes -- or I suppose before.

I need a No-Drama t-shirt or something.