A goodbye, it´s really hurting.

[Tormenta]

Hi,

how are you now with your exSO?

I´ve deleted his number from my phone and blocked him on whatsapp. I wrote an email telling him that I´ve been really in love with him and love him very, very much and that I have done all I could to be with him but I can´t do all by myself, that he should be trying to save our relationship again and instead, he is rude, mean and rejecting me all the time, as my bf and as my friend, so I´m going to cut communications with him and it´s over.

I can´t think of losing him even as a friend. I love how smart he is and all the things that have been better in my life because of him.

If I think about it I can´t stop crying.

Right now I wish that a kind and quiet man appeared and loved me to have a classic compromise together, to create a family and live with him - right now!  - This is a low moment. It´s "why? why? why?"

He has been in his "I need space" for a week and a half, I think.

Yesterday he was really kind, we talked and he helped me with a problem with my car. He went home in the afternoon but we spent all the afternoon talking online. We decided to go together to work this morning but this morning when I was having breakfast he sent me a message that he was already there. He was BPD completely at work: smiling at me and then when I smile back: "Hey, old lady" he calls me old lady to bother me, and I am not bothered for being called old lady but for knowing that he wants to hurt me. "Hey, old lady, don´t come near me, stay awaaaay". That´s it.

Then he started to look at my computer and laughed of me and rolled eyes. He started: "How old you say you are? 8 years old?"

After that I touched in his arm to make a joke and make things easy and he exploded: ":)on´t touch me". And this is work, we are proffesionals.

Then I was leaving home and asked him if he wanted me to take him home. Why am I so stupid? .

He said yes and then, in the car, he yelled at me during the ride, he said that it´s much better to go by bus than in my car.

I asked him to go with me to the mechanics to help me but he said he was too hungry. Then started to yell at me for how I drive.

Not a surprise. He didn´t mind it was my birthday when this all started (I know that the stress of my birthday helped to this situation but he does not have any control over his emotions - and when there is no stress... .  he does not control them anyway)

I said: "Please, come with me to help me!" And he said no.

That´s all. That´s all.

He´s been a week and a half giving me silent treatment and in need of space for a - OK, a nonsense, for overreacting and here I am being kind to someone who doesn´t even try! It´s that: whatever he wants whenever he wants. There´s a limit, there´s a limit. I don´t know.

Maybe it´s also the stories I read here. This will never change because he does not try, he does not, he has space and it is the same, the same.

I was bothered and angry, told him goodbye, he didn´t look back.

I parked and wrote the email saying goodbye and deleted his phone number.

Still, I´m afraid of hurting him with my email, afraid that this is really over, when I want this to be over. I don´t want to lose him but it´s enough. I feel really, really low.

I want to wake up one year later, next year, so that everything has changed and it´s everything OK.  :'(

[Rose Tiger]

I felt the very same things while detaching from the ex.  The hot/cold behavior is so confusing and hurtful.  I didn't want the relationship to be over, I wanted him to change and treat me better.  His treatment of me had me feeling low and my self esteem suffered.

Is your car working ok now?  That is a bugger that you work together, is there a way to avoid him?  Do you have some vacation time that you can use?  This is the time to cry and take it really easy.  Is that possible?

[Tormenta]

Thank you! I tried to get some days off but there is a peak of work now.

I talked to him yesteday, that at work I need to keep distance but also to have a normal proffesional relationship, I asked him to help me, that I can´t focus on work because he is giving me rejection all day long, that I know that this is over and it´s OK.

He changed his attittude, he answered that he didn´t mean to make me feel bad   and that he wants us to stay friends. That he knows that I´ve always been nice and given him everything and more and he is sorry.

At work it has been OK, he´s been polite and he looks much better, happier. There is a post saying that we "nons" are their triggers, I think that when I told him that I accept that we are not a couple any more he does not feel triggered so he is free and feels better.

What do you think?

[Rose Tiger]

Yes, you played this very well.  You reduced his anxiety to a level that he could achieve and set up a way forward to keep stress down at work.  Good job.

So very hard when we are hurting to take the high road.    Be sure and give yourself a big HUGE reward, you certainly deserve it.

[Tormenta]

Thank you!