The projection is killing me

[cal644]

Today I receive a text by my soon to be exBPDw.  this text was saying how everything was my fault becuase I was a pass out drunk who partied with our friends every weekend and had all these women on the side.  first of all I never ever had another woman on the side.  Secondly when we would go out with friends we would have a few  (both of us) while playing cards but never pass out drunk.  These statements contradict other things she has told me - I Know they are a lie, so why do they make me question myself?  Thinking was it that bad, I've asked our friends and they were like are you kidding me?  We had fun but it never got out of hand or that bad.  Help me to understand why I'm questioning my insanity?

[losinghope97]

Hi Cal644,

I know where you are coming from.  I have 20 years of marriage and similar accusations that aren't based in truth.

The only sense I can make of why we might question ourselves when we know it wasn't that way, is that we had/have genuine love and care for our wife's and within our own minds don't understand how they can say/believe those things when we can't imagine doing the same in reverse.

The idea of making these accusations and destroying a relationship for someone we truly love, is so foreign that the only way can rationalize it, is to start to believe that maybe they are right.  We to allow the half truths to seep into our minds and become justification for their beliefs so that we might find understanding for how this could happen.

Don't play this game with yourself.  You know who you were in the relationship, you know what you are accountable to, own that and be at peace with it.  Don't try to reconcile the treatment you are receiving or the stories she tells against who you are, because they will never fit.

Unfortunately our only answers will come from within us, since our wives, who we care about so much, can’t provide any resolution or clarity for us.   

Stay strong.

LH97

[garthaz]

I just learned about "Gaslighting." It is a term named after the movie "Gaslight."

Seems to fit her. I just watched the 1940 version of the movie, it is on-line free somewhere. There is a more modern version made in 1944, but I cannot find a free version on-line.

Mine likes to make up versions of history. When I catch her changing the story, it doesn't effect her. She just tells me that her previous version never existed. She got into a big anger fit on our second anniversary. She all in a sudden just turned angry for no reason I could determoine. This was before I knew about BPD. She made up about 7 different versions that night. Even now she will make up something else that would be impossible.

We had rented a hotel room for 2 nights. On the second night we planned to go to a nice restaurant. Before the restaurant, she wanted to stop by our house to pick up some things. When we got there, she sat at the computer for hours filling out a resume and checking facebook, etc. She could have done this any other time. As I waited for her, I did things around the house.

Some of her versions of the event, and why she was mad:

1) I should have forced her to stop looking at the computer and made her go to dinner with her

2) I didn't give her an anniversary card (I gave her 5)

3) I was too busy working to take her to dinner (We were on our way to dinner, but she was acting like a jerk, I just drove her back to our hotel room, and went to sleep)

4) It was too late to eat (11pm), because I wasted time (It was actually 7pm)

5) I fed the cats and thus we did not have time to go to dinner

6) I talked to my kids and did not have time to go to dinner

7) I never picked out a restaurant (We had picked one out together earlier)

I can't remember the other versions, but when she makes up a new one, I ask her about the previous versions. She denies she ever made up any other versions.

Sometimes I still wonder if her version might be accurate, because they are typically semi-plausable. I stopped worrying about it. My version is typically just as plausable and most likely much more accurate. I will only go along with her versions to avoid the unwinnable fight that will occur if I being up a different version.

[cal644]

It is funny - she has changed her version of so many things in the past year about so many different things.  The nice part for me though is most of the time we had friends with us , so I verify the true story and it is the one I always remember.  When they hear her story they are like What the heck? None of her versions are even close to the truth, they have bits and pieces of truth but only small small portions like what night it was or who we were with. 

[Clearmind]

Cal, I'm sorry you are second guessing yourself and also listening to the words from a person who is disordered.

Its important to start working on your self worth - for whatever reason we believe the accusations and blame.

Its projection on her part however you seem to want to believe it - Why?

[cal644]

I don't know why I want to beleive it... We did go out with friends on the weekends to eat or play cards but it never got out of hand 4-5 drinks max (but she did also) ... I think it just gets back to the question of what did I do wrong... .  Tonight she texted though about how it was my fault because I filed  ... I pointed out the three reasons I did.  1. she refused to quit texting him 2. she refused marriage counciling 3. she told me she didn't love me and resented me for years (never had a clue of this or did anyone else) ... .  when I gave those three reasons she said ... .  stop it your killing me... .  Don't ever text me again!  I guess the real truth hurts too much... .  

[Clearmind]

I think it just gets back to the question of what did I do wrong... .  

Cal, in a healthy balanced relationship this wouldn’t matter. You would sit down rationally and she would give you the time to explain yourself not chastise and blame you for the relationship failure. Not fair and not rational.

She is torturing you with blame – have a think about why you believe it.

Tonight she texted though about how it was my fault because I filed  ... I pointed out the three reasons I did.  1. she refused to quit texting him 2. she refused marriage counciling 3. she told me she didn't love me and resented me for years (never had a clue of this or did anyone else) ... .  when I gave those three reasons she said ... .  stop it your killing me... .  Don't ever text me again!  I guess the real truth hurts too much... .  

Yep and they are all very valid reasons!

[almost789]

Dont believe it. Yes its kind of like gaslighting. They find one little kernal of truth for their projection then they blow it way out of proportion. Because there is a small bit of truth to what they say, you can second guess yourself.

I actually took his projections on to me just to pacify him, then i got mad and threw it back at him and said NOT TRUE i dont believe it. Gave him a few facts. And he took off fast.