If BPD find God is there hope

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

New here, sorry if I'm being redundant. ( I have to say reading these posts is like finding the building blocks of my life. Now if I can just figure out how to put them together.  ) I guess my question about the finding of God would be, if they are unable to understand emotional issues, how could they understand spiritual issues. I spent many years taking my xBPDH to church with me. He went, but I never saw any commitment.

[Cumulus]

New here, sorry if I'm being redundant. ( I have to say reading these posts is like finding the building blocks of my life. Now if I can just figure out how to put them together.  ) I guess my question about the finding of God would be, if they are unable to understand emotional issues, how could they understand spiritual issues. I spent many years taking my xBPDH to church with me. He went, but I never saw any commitment.

[have gone nc]

Can i also add that this may stem from not having a "sense of self "?

Someone with BPD who has to mirror people to find a sense of being someone, could quite easily watch a film and feel they get that from this movie? If they was to watch another movie after with another "group" could they feel that they may want to be a part of this at that moment?

Also for someone with BPD to say they are "cured" from what i read is quite common, my ex girlfriend has seen the light and all her mistakes because she has been to councelling for about 3 sessions, yet she is still constantly in denial. She hasn't even admitted that the dr has diagnosed her with a personality disorder but i have had it confirmed by someone else ( totally by accident ) but my ex in her mind is FULLY aware of the mistakes she has made and vows to not make these again yet she is still constantly lying to me. I think the better judge for someone to say they are cured would be relationship partners, family members etc... .  people who are on the receiving end of being close to them.

I also think that she feels better because she isn't triggered because we are no longer in a relationship. My codependancy issues were resolved in my mind and i was never going to be that way again... .  then as soon as entered a relationship with my second BPD partner they came out in me in a heartbeat! Thus i finally realised I wasn't as "cured" as i told myself I was. So I know that if i re-entered a relationship that I would "trigger" her again, just like anyone else. I would also re trigger my own issues.

So going back to the people who claim they are cured through god, I apologise if I offend anyone but I don't buy it for one second. If it can take years upon years to gain "progress" by a top therapist who is skilled in this field, how can someone be cured by god with no work done by themselves to fix their issues? If i went to church does that mean my co-dependancy issues would be resolved without seeing a therapist?

I think it is more about finding a sense of self for them because they can "mirror" all the people that they go to church with. Where as most ( I don't wan't to say normal people, because that is offensive to pwBPD in my opinion ) believe in god for their own personal reasons, not just to feel that they "fit" in with a community and become "someone".

I apologise if i offend anyone, as I know religion can be a sensitive issue. I have not put any of my religous beliefs in this as I was focusing more on the issue of the pwBPD.

[mtmc01]

BPD's and finding God are a murky area, IMO. My ex-BPD girlfriend has fluctuated her whole life between being a devout Christian and wavering on having any belief at all. When we met, it was the latter, which mirrored my own agnostic beliefs. Then, she ended up leaving after starting AA and suddenly again believing fully in Noah's Ark and Adam & Eve. BPD's have no real sense of identity or self, so they can fairly easily fluctuate from one extreme to the other, and you could end up being discarded if the pendulum moves back away from your leaning. Proceed with caution. Just my $.02.

[slimmiller]

That was great advise - your right I can watch a movie and wish - oh I would love to do that or become that - but it takes years - I was really struggling today - thinking about the what if's - Your message sent me my answer - we have went to church almost weekly for 19 years, I taught confirmation as she watched, Became our youth leader as she watched, became our family life minister as she watched, lead and gave the sermons when our pastor was gone as she watched, prayed at dinner daily as a family, had her start reading the Bible, the list goes on and on - and she still hasn't found God.  What would make me think one movie could change her.

Good observation in your last sentence. How could a movie suddenly change her life? And how many times does something little like that give them an epiphiny? Before my mariage meltdown we watched it together and she too was changed by it. Ironicly she then bought me the 'love dare' which is the book to it and used in the movie. I did it but soon realized there was nothing I could do that would make a difference. I then also bought it for her, she never even opened it.

She also got deep into her church a few years after we got married. She was (is) LDS and in the Mormon church theres a few unique things that in all honesty are a leftover from Polygamy, most notably deep and firm promises to God to remain true and faithful to your spouse not only in this life but in the hereafter. Not that I am making it relevent or wanting to get into that part but merely pointing out that even that promise she made to God in the Mormon temple means nothing to her now that she has entered the hater phase of the relationship. I dont mean to be a downer but we have to remain realistic, a BPD can discard almost anything even a promise made to God. Its baffling because we as nons take those kind of promises much more serious. I have often wondered what they will do the day they stand before God and have to take accountability?

I think after 19 years of her seeing you do all the things you have and actually living your faith, she should be grateful for the wonderful effert you put forth. How many women in life would or do spent their whole life looking for that person?

On a side note, this weekend mine took the kids back to church (after I had them pretty much established in my church) and now she is planning on taking them back for activities and boy scouts and during the time the kids are in activities she wants to attend a class as well... .  To me this is a two things, highjacking and sabotaging the efferts I have made with the kids, and her latest 'great love' relationship is on the rocks.

Really makes me wonder what God really thinks about this illness. And also is it an illness in Gods eyes or are they possessed?

[ScotisGone74]

I wouldn't say its impossible, but the chances are pretty slim.  One of the problems I see is that a BPD will see church or God as something their SO may see as more important than them, that they aren't getting the attention that church or God is, that with all the chaos in their mind they are not capable of accepting God as being more important that their own needs and wants.  Also as has been previously mentioned, they will take bits and pieces out of scripture or preachings and use the parts out of it that benefit them, the rest they will completely discard.  From what I have seen most BPD's have no use or willingness to understand things that will not directly benefit them in some manner. 

[cal644]

It's funny about the possed side.  The guy she was having an EA with from everything I heard is complete scum (the type of guy the devil loves).  I have told my wife that she needs to work on the demons inside of her(not really meaning it that way) - after seeing her change these last 7 months it is like she is possesed (hate to put it that way) but she is not the woman I knew and loved - it's like she is a totally different person.

[officer1618]

I speculate Joyce Meyer is a recovered borderline after reading her books. She describes her sexual abuse and the misery of her life, thinking, and relationships growing up. She is a very powerful speaker on the reality of taking responsibility for yourself and often gives her account of when she blamed, manipulated, sulked, and purposely sabotaged relationships.

The bottom line in any situation is personal accountability and discipline. Besides borderlines, every person can benefit from direction given in the Bible and it's direction for controlling your thoughts and self image.

Let every word of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable.

[apple]

Jmho but I'm not sure if its possible for someone with BPD to actually "find God" as most are unable to accept any responsibility for their actions or "sins" and therefore will never repent of said "sins" committed upon others.

[sunrising]

My exwBPD was religious.  I am not.  I'll accept a character showdown with her any day of the week.   

At the risk of sounding cynical, I've heard people say they "found god" lots of times.   My observation of their behavior thereafter has been mixed, just as my observation of people, in general, has been.   I have yet to observe a noticeable difference between how people of faith treat others as opposed to non-religious/ spiritual people.  It's a mixed bag both ways.  I'd be careful making any assumptions of character or allowing my perception of someone to be skewed by any profession they make about their spirituality/ religion, regardless of personality disorders.  But to relate it to "BPD talk":  The actions, all of them, are the truth. 

[elessar]

BPD's and finding God are a murky area, IMO. My ex-BPD girlfriend has fluctuated her whole life between being a devout Christian and wavering on having any belief at all. When we met, it was the latter, which mirrored my own agnostic beliefs. Then, she ended up leaving after starting AA and suddenly again believing fully in Noah's Ark and Adam & Eve. BPD's have no real sense of identity or self, so they can fairly easily fluctuate from one extreme to the other, and you could end up being discarded if the pendulum moves back away from your leaning. Proceed with caution. Just my $.02.

I kind of agree with this. my ex was extremely religious. she said she sought comfort in God to deal with her past and current abuses. but that relief does not cure a biological illness. yes her faith gave her comfort and solace, but it never made her better. it did not heal her. today she is not that religious. now she just mirrors whoever she wants to defend (religious if she wants to defend her parents, spiritualism if she wants to defend me)

[syz]

My exwBPD was religious.  I am not.  I'll accept a character showdown with her any day of the week.   

At the risk of sounding cynical, I've heard people say they "found god" lots of times.   My observation of their behavior thereafter has been mixed, just as my observation of people, in general, has been.   I have yet to observe a noticeable difference between how people of faith treat others as opposed to non-religious/ spiritual people.  It's a mixed bag both ways.  I'd be careful making any assumptions of character or allowing my perception of someone to be skewed by any profession they make about their spirituality/ religion, regardless of personality disorders.  But to relate it to "BPD talk":  The actions, all of them, are the truth. 

Thank you for saying this.  I actually am a person of faith but most of my friends are atheists and I completely understand their position.  Believing or not believing seems to have little to do with character, kindness, mental health, morals or anything if you ask me.  Actions.  We are what we do.  What we say is important too.  Its best when words and actions match. 

To the original poster finding god may help her or it may not.  It may just be a phase, it may be lasting and help her face the hard road work ahead.  It is not a substitute for therapy though. 

[shieldedheart]

My wife tried this by 'finding God' and then skipping therapy.  Then reversed that trend.  All it was is an excuse to behave like they do with either their therapists backing or god's backing.

I'm an atheist myself but I was willing to support whatever would get her through this terrible condition.

But in my experience and my therapist's, it can be equated to a prisoner suddenly finding god.  It makes them feel better about themselves, they can use it as a crutch as well as a weapon against anyone that is perceived to be against their current path.

And like is said above, nothing can replace therapy for them.  That will hold them accountable unlike her finding god where she said 'no matter what she does, she is forgiven'.  My eyes would ache for days from rolling them whenever I heard this.


I would use god as a supporting factor but not the only factor in helping them through this illness.

Good luck.

[nina125]

I have 2 aunts who I know for sure are unBPD, they are both regular church-goers. They both use religion(& god) to justify their behavior. When they are confronted and can't explain or justify what they did, their standard response is "I did it with the best of intentions in my heart, God know this and so whatever I said/did is ok".

Both of my aunts have rocky relationship with their kids & spouse, and they claim that is because god is testing their faithfulness. They truly believe & convince people around them that God is putting them through the same trials that he put Job through, completely forgetting all the crap they did to their kids growing up. For example, I remember as a kid watching in horror as my aunt whipped my cousin with a belt -buckle side- for mouthing off to her. Or the time she held down her 10 yr old son by his neck and shaved off all the hair on his head for pissing her off for something so silly that I cant remember what it was about, so that he will be a laughing stock in school and wont dare piss her off again.

They both would also have regular "family prayer time" everyday where everyone had to take turns praying out loud. They would later on turn around and use whatever you said in your prayer against you. For example, they would be like "You prayed thanking God for all the good food on the table, and now you are saying that you don't care for the cabbage. After all the hardwork I did cooking this cabbage, you are saying that you don't like it you ungrateful B***. Jesus don't like liars". So somehow, God doesn't like me because I don't like cabbage   

So in my experience, I don't believe religion helps them. Their whole life is ruled by their emotions and religion only helps them justify and condone their action. And they love it because it makes it look they have all $hit together on the outside to strangers who can't see the chaos they create on the inside.