How do you guys 'break it' to your own friends and family that you went back?

[angelica_evil]

Obviously, whenever we have a bad 'episode', fight, cycle, whatever... I usually turn to my best friends, family, even his family for comfort, because they know by now everything that tends to happen with my BPDbf... usually when I indicate that I am done, and fed up with his emotional and mentally abusive ways, it is right after the 'incident' when i am fired up, and ready to leave. As soon as I calm down myself, I have great sorrow, and already am thinking of things that I can do to prevent this next time, etc. However, my friends and family almost seem to glean an almost perverse joy when things go bad and I say I am leaving. This may be all in my head because I know that most people think I shouldn't deal with him, that his mental illness is not my problem, and they hate to see me so upset and unhappy, so I am almost already defensive when I talk to them again after I 'gone back', 'broke silence', etc.

We had an 'episode' last weekend that I posted about when I joined, where he ordered me out of his house during a blizzard when I was in no condition to drive, and then proceeded to give me the silence/punishment phase for 3 days. In those days, I found this board, along with took comfort in my close friends and family members, and explained a lot of things that had taken place over our relationship, that I previously hadn't mentioned, etc. He ended up getting pretty severely ill earlier this week, and as soon as he got scared and needed comfort, he broke his silence by calling me up and begging me to please come back to him. Of course, because I love him and missed him so much, I went running right by his side and took care of him.

My mother, along with his, and well... pretty much everyone else, thought this was manipulation on his part to get me back after he treated me so cruelly. I do see where they come from, and I do think a part of it was manipulation, but he really was genuinely gravely ill (he never got migraines before and just had his first one. They are painful and scary and I get them constantly, so he is now much more empathetic towards me when I have one!), but I think he had planned on breaking his silence all along, and this illness was his 'excuse for' breaking the silence, but that 'he only did it then because he was ill, he could have held out longer'. At any rate, he did apologize for his last episode of blacking me out, and he has beyond sweet and wonderful since then, yeah yeah, the cycle begins again, we all know this. ;-)

However, I found it extremely difficult this time around to let my best friend, my mom, and pretty much everyone else know that I 'went back'. i felt like they were disappointed with me, and one friend even went as far as to say things like, 'I thought you were stronger than that. I'm sure it's 'different' this time. You sound like a battered woman' and things of that nature. A lot of the time, especially the minor or short lived fights and cycles, I keep to myself, without telling a soul, because I just cannot fathom having to tell someone about yet another thing. I know that just not turning to my friends or loved ones is not the way to go... but how do you guys deal with these problems, if you have them too? Do any of you almost feel shame or embarrassment upon telling people you 'took them back'?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[nardila]

Yes, I am starting to feel that way with my loved ones, although, I have opted to just not tell people when we brake up or when we get back.  It seemed easier that way... .  I got a T and now I try to mainly talk to him about my problems.

[angelica_evil]

I try not to, but sometimes, it is just so unjust, and I feel so hurt and empty, that I cannot fathom not confiding in someone and internalizing it all. If I only spoke to the counselor when things happened, they would have an entire career from me alone, haha.

[elemental]

When you learn the tools here, you will stabilize a lot and learn to take care of yourself so you are stronger. A lot of times you can head escalations off and keep things from getting so extreme. Which means you are not suffering as much and your family/friends are not trying to get you to desist the relationship, etc.

My situation was very extreme until I detached enough to remain mostly calm. I still get upset but possibly am in a state of transition. I like to think so, but some days are very hard.

Have you had a chance to check out the lessons here and do some reading? It really helps once you realize you can have an effect on things in a positive way.

Knowledge is power  and so on and so on.

[Rockylove]

... .  my friends and family almost seem to glean an almost perverse joy when things go bad and I say I am leaving. This may be all in my head because I know that most people think I shouldn't deal with him, that his mental illness is not my problem, and they hate to see me so upset and unhappy, so I am almost already defensive when I talk to them again after I 'gone back', 'broke silence', etc.

However, I found it extremely difficult this time around to let my best friend, my mom, and pretty much everyone else know that I 'went back'. i felt like they were disappointed with me, and one friend even went as far as to say things like, 'I thought you were stronger than that. I'm sure it's 'different' this time. You sound like a battered woman' and things of that nature. A lot of the time, especially the minor or short lived fights and cycles, I keep to myself, without telling a soul, because I just cannot fathom having to tell someone about yet another thing. I know that just not turning to my friends or loved ones is not the way to go... but how do you guys deal with these problems, if you have them too? Do any of you almost feel shame or embarrassment upon telling people you 'took them back'?

I've been in the same position as you are in~~not once, mind you, but several times!  My 2nd husband is an alcoholic.  I entered another dysfunctional relationship 8 months after our divorce (I suspect multiple personality disorders were at work there) and now am in a relationship with an uBPD!  How does this happen?  Clearly I've got issues with co-dependency!  That's something that I've been working on for many years and still don't have it licked~~but I'm a lot further along in my journey than I was 10 years ago! 

I think the reason we feel shame in returning to a dysfunctional relationship is because deep down we know our family and friends are RIGHT!  They fear for our safety (emotional and physical) and rightfully so.  To an outsider, it's toxic love (battered wife syndrome)... .  to a co-dependent, it's what we know and until we are uncomfortable enough to make a change, the cycle will continue.

Elemental is on target... .  learn the tools, read the lessons and books recommended here.  Learn what it is that YOU are responsible for~~YOU!  A few years ago, I was given a copy of the book Co-Dependent No More  (I need to dust it off and reread it myself) and it helped me see what I was doing to keep myself on the crazy merri-go-round. 

[angelica_evil]

I've been in the same position as you are in~~not once, mind you, but several times!  My 2nd husband is an alcoholic.  I entered another dysfunctional relationship 8 months after our divorce (I suspect multiple personality disorders were at work there) and now am in a relationship with an uBPD!  How does this happen?  Clearly I've got issues with co-dependency!  That's something that I've been working on for many years and still don't have it licked~~but I'm a lot further along in my journey than I was 10 years ago! 

I have been reading a LOT of lessons on here, in fact, I didn't post for three days after joining, because I wanted to read, read, read, and then read some more before posting again. I certainly think that I have serious codependency issues, that get/keep me in these stressful relationships so often in life, and I am also a serial enabler. I was once married to a man with absolutely no signs of mental illness, it was a calm, stress free six years. he treated me wonderful, he took care of ME (never had that happen!) we hardly ever fought, but I just got so bored, that i ended up leaving him for my current BPDbf. I guess it's the volatile situations that keep me on my toes the most, so I tend to seek out people who need to be taken care of.

I am hoping that the tools here will help me to take care of me, and not let every episode, nasty word, fight, or verbal dressing down upset me to the point where I am near hysterically upset, and then depressed for days. I am glad I found this place. :-)