Hello Pheobe and GG;
Thank you for your welcome and kind sentiments
The past few days I have been catching up on all information that I can with regards to BPD & NPD, through this site and recommended books that I have purchased.
I am still in no contact with my mother or family at this time. Last Thursday, my mother's hospice case manager (associated with the hospital where she received terminal diagnosis) contacted me and relayed that she will be requesting an evaluation for my mother and then placed into Adult Protective Services. My mother has accused me and my 19 year old niece of physical abuse (she has severe bruises), neglect, financial abuse, and with-holding pain medication/stealing such medication for personal use.
The case worker stated that they will have to refer the case to the Social Services agency of the County, who will perform an investigation. She asked that I refrain from contact with my mother, (my mother's request) and cooperate with the investigation. I'm waiting for the next step with regards to that. Although I'm a good citizen and am not guilty of those accusations, I'm relieved that there is a new level of separation so I can have some room to breath and recollect myself.
I do have a large team of support and love around me, and am embracing and allowing them to extend such. I am back in my own home and office, with a very much missed 11 month old puppy that is an absolute joy. He is ensuring that I have proper play time and walks, rain or shine, several times each day, which is keeping me present and balanced
This ordeal has flared my sciatica and colon along with a strained ankle to boot, so physically, I'm forced to be kind to myself and keep a slow and steady pace and wholesome diet. My partner and g/f is checking in with me regularly with positive energy, humor, work load/schedule status and assistance, which is aiding in managing my responsibilities and not becoming too overwhelmed. I was away from my business for 6 weeks, so there is much catch up. Friends and even clients that have known what has been going on since New Year's, have shown up or called to offer smiles, hugs, support, and an open heart. No judgement! No pity! Only validation that I am a good person that did the best I could, and that no, I'm not crazy! I feel very blessed and grateful for these things and believe I'm fairing this crisis better than the others.
I feel balanced with mediation and prayer, and am staying mindful of the benefits and peace of being connected to the Spirit. There is so much relief in knowing there is information available here on this site. There is so much that I can just ACCEPT. WHY? It just IS! How exhausting and futile that spiral pattern of reasoning has always been!
I do plan on attending an upcoming group meeting related to the Morris Center here in my area that I found through the Survivor to Thriver pack. I have never participated in group therapy, but do recognize the positive impact this site has had on me with regards to peer sharing. My therapy over the years has accomplished great and positive results, however, at this time, I do think that my one on one therapy over the years has perpetuated some of my compartmentalizing, self blame, deepest shame, and isolation. Since I have been home, I am regularly having night terrors and sometimes multiple times each night. I am experiencing waves of abrupt moments of extreme anxiety with a shadow of shame during the day. These are familiar cycles, but now I am more comfortable with accepting their association to PTSD, and not beating myself up over it or hiding it from others. 22 years ago, (during a no-contact period) my therapist suggested the PTSD condition to me and I found it to be so offensive and just plain wrong. I told him such and never returned to him.
In regards to therapy, I would like to find a new therapist who has significant familiarity with family members of BPD (w/NPD traits) persons. After reading stories of others, our experiences are frighteningly so similar... . having to regurgitate the details of this situation and that situation involving my mother that spans the past 42 years of memory in order to validate the point where I want to begin and focus from makes me feel physically ill. What are your thoughts and experience on this opinion?
Again, thank you for keeping this a friendly forum for sharing, and safely so. I am rambling the morning away
but will check back in. Thank you.
