alternatives to an apology?

[Willow Bird]

I think I may have had a minor revelation (is that a thing? Is not a revelation a pretty big thing just by definition?   )

Anyway, I need to walk you through a scene from this morning:

I come out of the kitchen and run into uBPDh (we both slept well, so that's not the issue) and I say:

Me: “Good morning, darling!” (he hates it when I’m not upbeat in the morning, and this morning I’m feeling rested and happy.)

H: “You scared me!”

Me: “I’m sorry.  I only meant to say good morning, not to startle you.” I keep my voice conciliatory and I hug him.

H: “Well you did.”

Me: “AND I said I was sorry, which I am.”

H: “Look, I don’t want to fight with you.  Let’s just drop it, ok.”

And this was a good day!

OK, saner people, what part of ‘I’m sorry’ sounds like I’m looking for a fight?  I’m not being sarcastic here, I really need to know!  ‘Cause here’s the revelation part.

By his own admission, he does not forgive me for things like that – ever!  So when I say I’m sorry (which I am) then my apology puts him in a position to have to do something he does not feel prepared to do, namely, forgive me.  Could that be it?  Could that be why he sees my apology as me ‘picking a fight?’

On the flip side, he also accuses me of “never ever ever ever admitting to being wrong!”  But if I stop saying ‘I’m sorry’ then I’m  ‘not owning’ anything, which is wrong again!

I’m caught between a rock and a hard place on this one and I could use some ideas.  Anyone ever been stuck in this particular whirlpool and if so, have you found a way to manoeuvre around it?  He’s offended by things that would be nothing to anyone else, but he has a negative emotional and verbal reaction to each and every one.  “I’m sorry” is my natural reaction when I have offended someone, but it’s not serving me well with my uBPDh and it’s clearly not helping him either.  I need relief from the stress of this all day long, so if you have ideas on changing that dialogue, I’d love to hear it!

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[Rockylove]

HGF... .  it certainly didn't sound like you were picking a fight to me, but then again, I don't have BPD.  I'm in a similar position~my apologies fall flat.  He will say "just forget it" (which means he's keeping score on it) or "it doesn't matter" (which means it really DOES matter and is keeping score on it)  No matter what, he's going to use it against me at some future date.

I'd love to hear some words of wisdom on this subject as well. 

[yeeter]

I pretty much quit using any form of apology.  Seems to work better.

Why? I'm not sure.   Maybe when we express an apology it's to acknowledge that we have done something wrong (being inconsiderate, hurting someone, etc).  And we seek forgiveness forthis act.  Wanting them to say... .  It's ok.  They understand there was no ill intent, etc.

But we don't get this with someone with a PD.  First, they lack empathy so to them it seems like a deliberate intent to hurt.  And since they cannot take responsibility for anything, and are always looking for ways to find that others are at fault, the apology reinforces this.

Instead try the validation:   "You scared me!" ... .  "oh, thats not a good feeling to wake up to!  I hope the rest of your day is calmer for you"

Something like this means he has to manage his own emotions.  Doesn't open the door foryou to jade, or be blamed for him being scared.

[Mara2]

He may be looking for validation that his reaction was ok.  Perhpaps something like, "Yes, anyone would have been startled."

I've learned that sometimes DH does not want me to say I am wrong, but that he is ok for feeling like he does. 

[yeeter]

He may be looking for validation that his reaction was ok.  Perhpaps something like, "Yes, anyone would have been startled."

 

[Willow Bird]

... .  First, they lack empathy so to them it seems like a deliberate intent to hurt.  And since they cannot take responsibility for anything, and are always looking for ways to find that others are at fault, the apology reinforces this.

Instead try the validation:   "You scared me!" ... .  "oh, thats not a good feeling to wake up to!  I hope the rest of your day is calmer for you"

Something like this means he has to manage his own emotions.  Doesn't open the door foryou to jade, or be blamed for him being scared.

Ah... .  I think this may be the key.  He cannot view anything as coincidental, he felt something so someone MUST be responsible.  My tendency to apologize may be the clear indication to him that the incident is, in fact, my fault. The problem is that after 10 years of this, it all feels like one giant accusation to me and I struggle to find any empathy anymore when he reacts like this.  But I am SO going to try responding the way you suggested!  I think this has the potential to defuse the whole situation since suddenly there is no one to blame! 

[RedRightAnkle]

My bf actually acts this way too. He doesn't like me apologizing to him. It makes it feel like I owe him something, and he doesn't want me to feel like I owe him anything (the self-loathing stuff comes into play here). He basically will tell me he doesn't like something and instead of an apology, he just expects that particular behavior of mine to stop. I think it's all he ever expects.

I agree with the others - just validate the feeling and learn from there. All these relationships are learning processes! It's not easy, but don't give up!

(Also, would you happen to be a "The Academy Is... .  " fan? Your username makes me think of them!)

[tuli]

The reason he feels affronted is because you invalidated him by your response.

 

In his head you did something scary.  You said you hadn't meant to be scary meaning his interpretation could have been wrong.  Stating a different interpretation than what is in his head feels like a confrontation for them.  They get completely affronted when you don't agree with their interpretation of events and they experience it as a slight. 

The way I look at it through their eyes to understand the entitlement part better is I imagine I am the only person in the world.  I imagine I don't have to think about anyone else's needs.  Everything that happens I can think of in relationship to me and how it makes me feel.  Then all the behavior makes sense. 

They also honestly believe that their partners are responsible for their feelings.  So if he is feeling bad, he truly believes it is your responsibility to fix it.  That's why he doesn't expect apologies.  He just expects you to take his pain away.  That's why he told you about it.  So you could fix it. 

Now the reason he says you can never admit you're wrong falls under the strange category of projection.  You have to learn that whatever he accuses you of, he is guilty of himself.  Odd but true

 

[Willow Bird]

That's why he doesn't expect apologies.  He just expects you to take his pain away.  That's why he told you about it.  So you could fix it.

Hmm... .  I'm not sure why so many of you keep saying this.  As I said in my original post, he DOES expect apologies.  He DEMANDS apologies, in fact.  Perhaps your BPD does not, but mine most definitely (by his own words to me many times) wants an admission of guilt and an apology from someone when he feels upset.  He simply does not want to have to extend forgiveness or understanding when an apology is duly offered.

I really appreciate all your responses to my post, but I really think yeeter nailed it and I am going to try this approach.  If this works and I can manage to overcome my habit of apologizing   then we can start to work toward understanding why this is such a trigger for us.

Thanks to all of you for your help.

[Grey Kitty]

Me: “I’m sorry.  I only meant to say good morning, not to startle you.” I keep my voice conciliatory and I hug him.

The part where you explain what you meant to do (which wasn't startle him) is the part that was invalidating. It tells him that his reaction (being startled) was WRONG because you intended a different reaction. (I *still* mess this kind of stuff up way too often... .  but looking back it I can usually see where I went in the wrong direction)

"I'm sorry" isn't invalidating, but you need to stop there if you do say it and want it to be taken well.

I would also agree that "I'm sorry" isn't very useful in these situations. I remember really listening to my uBPDw and realize that when she said "I'm sorry" it was almost always meant like "I'm sorry I'm such a bad person... .  " instead of "I'm sorry I did X to you." I didn't find that sort of apology (for her existence, not for her actions) very satisfactory. I'm not sure she could  hear an apology without trying to add layers of guilt or shame.