Why is my dh so self centred?

[Depression = 72% of members]

My dh is so self centred that I can't even tell him how his actions/words make me feel without him getting extremely mad at me for talking about myself. He just wants to talk about himself all the time, he fishes for compliments and ego boosts by stating he has no self-esteem. The conflict with that is he is a "know it all" who would rather be right than be happy. I do not feed his ego when he wants me to and I never have, never will. Anyway, last night we were talking about him and his past for over an hour as he read me things he had written years ago  Anyway, I linked something he said with a real life situation that happened in our home the previous day regarding our 5 year old boy. I told my dh that screaming full force "LIAR" into a 5 year old's face is NOT okay and it is hurting our son and myself as well. Needless to say my dh flipped out because I was no longer participating in his self-led pitty party, and was instead pointing out a serious problem with his behaviour. He got increasingly agitated, started saying mean things about me under his breath when I left the bedroom, and so I told him he was being impossible and I slept on the couch. Why does everything have to be about him? Why don't my thoughts, opinions, feelings, and morals matter? I really just want him gone most of the time... .  what to do?

[dabs]

My dh is so self centred that I can't even tell him how his actions/words make me feel without him getting extremely mad at me for talking about myself. He just wants to talk about himself all the time, he fishes for compliments and ego boosts by stating he has no self-esteem. The conflict with that is he is a "know it all" who would rather be right than be happy. I do not feed his ego when he wants me to and I never have, never will. Anyway, last night we were talking about him and his past for over an hour as he read me things he had written years ago  Anyway, I linked something he said with a real life situation that happened in our home the previous day regarding our 5 year old boy. I told my dh that screaming full force "LIAR" into a 5 year old's face is NOT okay and it is hurting our son and myself as well. Needless to say my dh flipped out because I was no longer participating in his self-led pitty party, and was instead pointing out a serious problem with his behaviour. He got increasingly agitated, started saying mean things about me under his breath when I left the bedroom, and so I told him he was being impossible and I slept on the couch. Why does everything have to be about him? Why don't my thoughts, opinions, feelings, and morals matter? I really just want him gone most of the time... .  what to do?

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[Mara2]

You are singing my song, and probably the song of most of us here.  Take time to read the lessons on understanding your partner's behavior- just to the right.  It helps to know where the behavior is coming from.

One day my husband was telling me about something in his past that had also happened to me and I "related" to his story by saying that I understood because that had happened to me.  We ended up with holes in our walls where he kicked them and him screaming at me that I had a good family and people that loved me where he did not and I had no idea... .    you get the picture.  Everything is worse when it happens to him. 

The lessons helped me to understand and to be able to talk to him without setting off and episode by saying something "wrong."  He still gets triggered, but less so now. 

I guess it comes down to the fact that DH will always sound selfish, childish and self centered to me, but I need to decide if I am willing to accept his disability and learn to work with it. 

Hope that helps.

[RedRightAnkle]

I wanna say two things are at play here - his stunted emotional maturity and the fact that people with BPD are often in "survival mode" most of the time.

People compare the emotional abilities of people with BPD as those of a 3-year-old. Toddlers are extremely egotistical - when was the last time a 3-year-old you knew sat and listened to your problems? It's not because they are mean or anything - they have literally not developed the part of the brain that tells them, "Hey, you aren't the only person in this whole world." That doesn't hit until they are about 5 or 6. So, yeah, with that level of emotional maturity, they only see their problems, can only ever experience their problems, and so it is hard for them to comprehend anyone else's.

**Note: I do not think this means that they LACK empathy completely. Have you ever noticed small children get very upset when a parent is crying or upset? Or that they sometimes match the mood of others in the room and get fussy? They SENSE something is wrong and they don't like it. I think people with BPD totally sense when others are hurting - they just can't handle their pain AND the pain of others. It's way too much. My bf gets upset when I get upset. He ends up taking it out on me, but it's because he doesn't like me upset because he loves me and me upset upsets him, and he doesn't know how to handle it. BPD is NOT matter of feeling no emotions - it's that they feel TOO MUCH, and can't self-soothe.

Now the survival mode factor - a lot of people who develop BPD were abused or abandoned at some point in their lives. They had to fend for themselves. PwBPD are in an almost constant state of survival mode. They had to learn to take care of themselves and ironically never learned to do it properly. They are always ultra-aware and ultra-sensitive because they are just trying to make it through another day.

So obviously these two ingredients make for some pretty self-centered people. My bf does exactly what you guys have said - he goes on and on about himself and barely lets me talk about anything. But it works for me because I'm a listener, not a talker. I have also spent a lot of my life alone, so I can cope with myself most of the time. It is all a matter of accepting him for who he is. As unfair as it is, you may need to seek your support and validation elsewhere if you need it.

[waverider]

When you have been here a while you will see that is pretty typical. You wont be able to change the mindset, but you will learn what is driving what and how to work around to a better degree.

Tell me when he is being generous and helpful, do you find they are all "headline acts" ie actions that will lead to obvious praise and acknowledgement (gift giving, making big event dinners etc), rather than mundane everyday actions (cleaning, chores etc).

I used to think my partner was so generous, but in reality she was just buying approval and praise. I simple have come to accept this, and once I know the core basis its coming from I just get on with living and accept it as "just is".

There are only thoughts for my welfare after hers wants and impulses are met. If my wants or needs come between her impulse and immediate gratification they are simply rail roaded

That is just the way they are wired, you will not be able to rewire them. You can have boundaries to protect your rights, but their basic thought process will not change

[iamconfused]

This is exactly my bf!  NO matter what, it will always be about him.  I can't even watch my favorite TV show with him in the room - he doesn't like that he is competing for my attention and will talk about himself or whatever so I can't enjoy something as simple as my show.  We stopped going to movies a few years ago because he just can't shut up and he thinks everyone wants to hear his chatter.

If I hurt my knee, then he 'ups' it - he will go on and on about some imagined illness he has.

If he does something around the house like putting the dishes away, he will go on about what a great guy he is to do that (for me).

I have been going through the Lessons, but haven't really mastered how to handle this.  Frankly, I am still in denial and deep down I want this relationship to be about me too.

[martillo]

My uBPDh's favorite saying is "Welcome to my world". A couple of weeks ago I told him I was taking pain meds and going to bed early as I was having some back spasms (unusual for me).  Sure enough, he replied immediately, "welcome to my world."  I responded, "Next time I have menstrual cramps, I will let you know so we can compare." I know, I know - not very validating.    (But I am sure if I ask, his will be worse!   )