Amnesia

[Awakecj]

I got overly confident in my progress, forgot how damaging my soon to be exhwBPD can be to me emotionally. I let him into my life again thinking I could manage and I couldn't. We have adult children and one our sons is expecting a baby. I was throwing him and his SO a shower and initially, I didn't invite hwBPD but I happened to run into him at a local market and seeing him softened my hardline nc approach (he begged me to return, said the separation helped him work on himself, etc., etc.) and at the last minute I invited him. He was thrilled, and then he didn't come.

To make matters worse, many of my family of origin members would not come because I invited "him". They have seen the pain he's put me through. Since the shower was on a saturday evening, my therapist suggested he had a date and although that thought had already entered my mind, her stating it out loud hit me like a ton of bricks. I've been a ever wreck since. I didn't want to believe he could move on so quickly, well actually we've been separated for almost a year now, but in the store he voiced his love for me and shared how much he missed me and I believed him, didn't change my mind about the divorce but I believed him.

I have driven by "our" house three saturday nights now and his car is not there so it kind of validates what my therapist said. I'm certain he is with someone else. I can't stop crying, I think he never stopped seeing the person that I found evidence of him cheating with. He said it was over 4 years ago but my intuition tells me it never was. I feel betrayed all over again, it's like starting over with the hurt of being rejected and lied to. I keep telling myself he is ill don't take it personally but if FEELS very personal. I can't redirect my thinking to knowing this is what I want, I chose to divorce. I am just devastated.

[Rose Tiger]

Oh Sweetie, I don't blame you a bit for being upset, that would break my heart all over again if I found out information like that.  You made a leap of faith by inviting him, holding out that olive branch and he just smacked it out of your hand.  I'm so sorry.

Are you taking care of yourself?  Sleeping and eating ok?  What are some of the things that helped you to self sooth back at the initial break?  We are here to support you as you work through this, you are not alone. 

[Awakecj]

Thank you Rose Tiger, I feel so foolish, I really do. I'm doing the best I can to take care of myself, took a walk yesterday and going soon this morning. I invited a friend to go to the theater to watch a funny movie last night but she couldn't so I went myself. It helped for a short period but I just had to drive by the house again to see his car gone again, and the tears flowed. Generally, I don't have a hard time sleeping but I was so upset last night I couldn't stop crying. I'm not sure why I keep imposing the pain on myself, maybe it is still hard to believe? I don't know.

I tend to self sooth with food and that just adds to my low sense of self worth so I'm working on being better about my food choices. I'm hard on myself and I'm mad I let my guard down.

I think back to the beginning of our relationship over 30 years ago when we were youthful, full of hope, the promising years ahead and I'm so sad it turned out this way. He was/is my husband and I can't comprehend how and why he has treated me so poorly if he really loved me. I know, he has BPD, it's the disorder but... .  

[atcrossroads]

I feel so foolish, I really do. I'm doing the best I can to take care of myself, took a walk yesterday and going soon this morning.

I think back to the beginning of our relationship over 30 years ago when we were youthful, full of hope, the promising years ahead and I'm so sad it turned out this way. He was/is my husband and I can't comprehend how and why he has treated me so poorly if he really loved me. I know, he has BPD, it's the disorder but... .  

Awake, I am so sorry this happened to you, but I want to reiterate Rose Tiger's words that it is totally understandable -- please, please don't feel foolish and don't beat yourself up over it.  It happened, it cannot be undone, and you need to get back on the horse and move on.

The last part you wrote here about thinking back to the early part of the relationship and how good it was is a piece I have been/am/and will be struggling with for some time.  I am only on day 6 of leaving, so it's pretty fresh.  Some friends came by last night and they get that I'm in a hard place BECAUSE there were so many good times and he DID (does) have such a good side to him.  They know I don't hate him - it's not like "Oh, thank God I'm rid of that d**** bag!"  They seemed to get (without me going into a breakdown of BPD) that we had a long "honeymoon" period, I ignored red flags, his "issues" surfaced a few years ago, and it's been downhill since.  Eventually, I told them that it got to the point where I became his trigger.  I told them his thinking is disordered and gave some specific examples where he has said increasingly irrational, paranoid things to me.  For me, it's been helpful to reach out to trusted friends and share.

I tell you this to let you know I understand the pain of trying to reconcile the GOOD in the man with the inner demons.  It has been the most difficult part of the whole process for me too - how could this man who started my car daily for years, made my coffee, kissed me awake, wrote me love letters, massaged my feet, would do anything for me etc. etc, ... .  how did he turn to such a monster?  Understanding BPD helps, but my brain still has a tough time wrapping around all the facets of the disorder. I am working on it!

I simply could not deal with the demons any longer and left, and so did you.  That is a show of your courage and strength!  With us, the good certainly became less and less as the demons came out more and more.  I was so guarded that I stopped being myself... .  maybe years ago?  I have notebooks full of things he's said to me in rages, etc. and I bet you do too.  I have felt rather strong this week yet have had lapses already -- seeing a picture of him in happier times, memories, regrets.  

I am forcing myself to go through these notebooks - a couple nights ago, all I did was read a half page script I had written of what he said to me in a rage from about a year ago, and it 100% validated that leaving is right.  It was full of things I would never say to a worst enemy - and he was supposed to love me!  And, the next day, he would act as though it never happened, while I was left with a deep wound (?).  I put it away and didn't need to read more.  

So, don't regret the relationship - he is not a bad man - focus on the disorder.  The disordered behavior is so toxic that you need to be away from it.  You did the right thing.  Pull up the BAD memories and the things he did/said to you when you need reinforcement that your choice was correct.  Easier said than done, but work to let go of who he is/was dating and focus on you!

I'm glad you took a walk and went to a movie - those are great choices to make you feel better.  It made you feel horrible to drive by... .  try not to do that to yourself.

You are further in your journey than I, and frankly, I anticipate that I will do some similar things.  I've read lots of examples of backsliding on the forum and expect that it's part of the process.  Just being away from our BPD is not the end.  It's the beginning of new growth... .  just try to see it like that and please don't be too tough on yourself!  You are a strong woman to have made the decision you've made - you are away from the chaos, constant drama/turmoil, pain.  Life will be better, and I bet it already is.

You are going to be ok - a survivor!     *apologies that I am so long-winded

[Awakecj]

I tell you this to let you know I understand the pain of trying to reconcile the GOOD in the man with the inner demons.  It has been the most difficult part of the whole process for me too - how could this man who started my car daily for years, made my coffee, kissed me awake, wrote me love letters, massaged my feet, would do anything for me etc. etc, ... .  how did he turn to such a monster?  Understanding BPD helps, but my brain still has a tough time wrapping around all the facets of the disorder. I am working on it!

atcrossroads, reading your post was like reading about my own life, yes he started out very loving, his emotional abuse got worse and worse and I eventually became his trigger. I also have a lot of notebooks that I reference as needed but your comment above about reconciling the good with the demons helped me to identify what I may be trying to do.

Your post was thoughtful and certainly not long winded, it was helpful. I'm surprised you are at the beginning of the journey as your words were so wise Thank you for taking the time to post and I will listen to your advice and not drive by the house any longer.

[atcrossroads]

Awake,

I'm very glad my response helped you get a little different perspective on your feelings.  This board has been such a source of wisdom, information, encouragement, and support - I feel like a novice in my understanding of all that went wrong (it's like trying to put together a complicated puzzle), but I am learning, and I know it's helping me cope and accept WHAT IS.  That doesn't mean it's easy, but yes, trying to unravel BPD (and my enabling/denial/codependency) is helping me.

Isn't it uncanny how similar some of our stories here are?  Having others who relate so exactly to our own experiences has been an eye opener and huge comfort to me.  I hope the rest of your week is more peaceful and you can put this away as what it was - just a brief moment of weakness.  It is what it is - it was an understandable gesture on your part.  :)on't let it swirl you down the drain.  Sending strength!  

[Rose Tiger]

It's true, we do tend to relapse.  There are times I hope that he does not try to reconcile because I am feeling weak and I'd probably agree to see him.  It's like giving up drinking, sometimes we fall off the wagon, dust ourselves off and get right back on with NC.  They have no qualms about hurting us and I had to learn that over and over before finally making the break.  It's hard to wrap my head around the fact that he doesn't feel the same.  They are such good actors. 

Can you make up a big salad with lots of cut up veggies?  Then you can grab a salad everytime you need a snack, so good for you and you will feel so much better.