is there anything I can or should do at this juncture?

[patientandclear]

I just learned the man I love -- but am not in a romantic r/s with because he has not addressed his BPD issues -- is moving away.  We've been growing closer, sharing more, working through hard dynamics (with help from many of you!), so this is hitting me hard.  I'm wondering if I should say anything to clarify things before he leaves.

Many of you know my basic story.  My uBPDex left me suddenly in summer 2011 after a short, intense relationship, though we'd known each other for years.  I was devastated but I didn't chase or beg -- I told him I wished he'd tried to work it out with me, I thought we could have, and that I was incredibly hurt.  We stayed in touch, and a few months later, he asked if we could try again.  He'd started therapy though, and the therapist practically ordered him (he said) not to.  She pushed him to take seriously that he'd had a complete emotional cave-in when he left me, and got him to the point of saying maybe he needed to learn to be alone (really had never been alone, at age 49).  This matched my view, which was that -- though I wanted to be with him, so much -- it seemed likely he would again feel bad feelings out of nowhere and want to flee, and we shouldn't plunge back in until he knew how to handle those feelings differently.  It was all very honest and poignant and loving.  I thought we were going to stay friends while he worked on those issues, and then, who knew.

He then immediately starting pursuing his ex-gf.  They eventually got together again for a couple of months, then that ended abruptly.  Since then, so far as I know, he has actually been alone (for 8 months now).  I ended contact when I realized he was trying to date someone else instead of learn to be alone -- it felt like another betrayal.  He wrote me once during that 10 months NC period; I replied I needed to stay gone until I could be OK with contact knowing he could not be my partner; he then honored that.  Got back in touch a few months after I heard he and his exgf had split up.  We've been back in contact since August 2012.

He has pulled me very close many times since we reconnected.  We  have shared on a very intimate level.  He has taken risks emotionally and asked me to do the same.  Yet there have also been gaps when we've been especially close and he has then interjected distance.

The first time, in September, he suddenly pulled way back after we'd had a wonderful, intense day together.  Weeks later he wrote and said "P&C, I am very happy to be your friend, but not a friend maybe-leading-to-something-more, OK?"  I had not remotely suggested that we be other than friends--was scrupulous about this, for my own sake, not just his, though his emotional intensity made me wonder whether he wanted more.  I was pretty taken aback by this -- it felt like he was breaking up with me again though we weren't even dating.  I kept asking him why he was seeking this clarification -- was there something I'd done that suggested I had doubts?  He kept saying no, wouldn't explain why he'd needed to clarify, and kept asking if we could just go back to where we'd been before he raised this (he was anxious because I'd said maybe we should back up so it was completely clear what was going on).  I told him that "friends" were the terms on which I'd reconnected with him, and though my feelings for him were unchanged, I hadn't heard anything from him to suggest it was possible for us to be more than friends at this point.

Since then, we've had the same cycles though without the explicit "break up"-type communication from him when he pulls back.  Super close, him pressing for growth (introducing one another to family members, him making efforts to see me that are inconvenient for him that he wouldn't do before, him asking me not always to leave it to him to initiate contact, him telling me when he was feeling anxious or angry about things, helping with the repair, admitting he was wrong when his feelings were hurt).  Then periods of distance.  Sometimes him remarking on the distance and appreciating that I would allow him to step back when he needs to and then return.

So all of this has been, in my opinion, good.  I thought we'd keep going like this, and either have a strong friendship or, perhaps, eventually, we would trust each other enough to try again to be partners.  He's been working hard on developing his "self," which he talks explicitly about.  He says he's never done that before because he is always trying to immerse himself in another person.  I respect that.  I feel like it's necessary before he could have a healthy partnership with me (or anyone).

A few days ago he told me he's sold his apartment, and is leaving town in about three weeks, maybe for good (he doesn't have a destination in mind -- he's going to visit family out of the country, then, he says, he'll figure it out from there).

I'm completely torn up about it.  He's often said he might leave, and for a while, I would say I wanted him to stay.  Recently I've switched to just saying "if you go, I'll miss you."  And I've told him that again about this.  I'm not trying to persuade him to stay.  He leaves.  People, places, jobs.  It's how he's dealt with inner pain all his life.  Me trying to argue against it is pointless.

But I am wondering if I should say or do anything to make my feelings for him clearer before he goes.  He often makes comments about how it feels all of life is loss.  Yet I am right here, we care so much for each other, and ... .  well, it doesn't need to be all about loss.  We could be companions in a way that doesn't inhibit his efforts to explore new terrain.  I'm not going to leave him but I also don't need to "keep" him.  He can grow and be connected with me.

Do I need to talk with him about this?  Or is it obvious?  Or if it's not obvious, is it something that we still need to allow to grow over time, even after he's left town, if it is going to?  Is talking about it now absolutely the wrong thing to do?

I haven't mentioned the word "love" to him since he wrote me a little over a year ago.  I've tried to show him rather then tell him.  I don't know that saying that or other words now will do anything other than make him feel he needs to run further away.  I don't think he is ready now to be in a sustained committed relationship.

Yet it would be awful if he actually thinks I have no further interest in him as a romantic partner, and that despite our closeness, that is closed to him.

I'd appreciate any thoughts on what if anything I should say or do at this juncture.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[myself]

Please just be yourself with him. What if this is the last time you ever get to say the stuff you're feeling? It's kind and compassionate and balanced to not overwhelm him, but he gets like that anyways, you know? Express yourself! Maybe you'll just be long-distance friends, old chums, the ones who got away. But you will feel relief, yourself, for speaking from your heart. Let him know how important he is, before he leaves. Hug him. Tell him you love him. Everybody likes to hear that, even when it's complicated.

[maria1]

Please just be yourself with him. What if this is the last time you ever get to say the stuff you're feeling? It's kind and compassionate and balanced to not overwhelm him, but he gets like that anyways, you know? Express yourself! Maybe you'll just be long-distance friends, old chums, the ones who got away. But you will feel relief, yourself, for speaking from your heart. Let him know how important he is, before he leaves. Hug him. Tell him you love him. Everybody likes to hear that, even when it's complicated.

Absolutely - tell him how you feel P & C- be true to you. What else have you got otherwise? If you ca only keep hold of him by not being true to you then that won't meet your needs. You can't keep him close anyway because the disorder prevents that.

Tell him how you feel- the best parts of your relationship were the truest ones- don't let that go x

[almost789]

I agree just tell him how you feel tell him the truth. And even if hes moving, i dont see why you cant continue a friendship though you may not see each other in person all the time, theres still phone, skype, email... .  ect... .  

[Cardinals in Flight]

I concur! 

Even though I'm in a tough spot right now with my pwBPD, there is no doubt in her mind as to how I feel about her.  Yeah it's tiresome to always have that BPD thing right in the forefront, at least I know that I was completely honest when the r/s did resume.

It really hurts to keep those intense feelings for someone inside all pent up, so as someone here has already said, tell him.  He's going anyway, whether you tell him, or not.

When you do? make sure to keep any lofty expectations in check so that you aren't hurt or let down.

We're all here for you! 

CiF

[elemental]

I don't know what to say.

3 weeks is not much notice.

[123Phoebe]

P&C, I'm at a loss.  Whatever you decide to do, do it while protecting your heart from further crushing.

I think I'd feel a little ticked that a good friend would lay it on me that he's already sold his apartment and is moving away 3 short weeks from now, without having mentioned the finality of it earlier.

It doesn't sound like he's taking your feelings into consideration.  I'd feel hesitant about wearing mine on my sleeve, but that's me... .   

Do what feels right for you, to bring you peace and very possibly closure.

I'm so sorry he's behaving this way.  It has to hurt

[almost789]

I can see where Pheobe is coming from too. I mean he sold his apartment, that takes time to do and he dosent know where hes moving? Doesnt sound like hes considering how this could effect you. But he dors have BPD. Do they ever consider others feelings? It seems like hes running away BPD style.

[elemental]

Normally you would tell the people around you that you are selling your property and moving. Probably he did tell people.

I would wonder why he wouldn't be open with you. This was deliberate on his part. Then I would wonder what else he isn't telling.

I have been there. I am there. Gut wrenching. All I ever know to do if I want to be in control of me is go somewhere else and not be in contact with him for a bit.

Remember you can always come back. If you want and say what you need to say.

[patientandclear]

The house-selling -- it's impulsive but he did tell me as much as anyone, I think.  When we had dinner two weeks ago, he said he thought he probably would sell it soon.  Apparently he listed it the next day.  It sold in a week.  He is generating cash to continue to explore life as an artist without a steady job.  He lives very frugally so with the sale of his place, he can live that way for a long time.  But I suspect he thought it would take a lot longer to sell, and is almost as surprised as I am how sudden this all is.

So now he has to decide where to go, and he isn't sure.  He's taking the chance to go visit his kids, and then will figure it out.

This is so ... .  him.

Formally, there is no reason he has to check this out with me.  Our closeness and the significance of our r/s is all unacknowledged, formally.

My reason for thinking I should not make some big proclamation is that, if he were staying here, I wouldn't, because that isn't how we were progressing.  We were learning trust slowly, through doing.  I was showing him I love him without ever using the word love.  He was slowly extending himself to me in new ways.  This sudden rupture is his decision.  I've told him I'll miss him and that it makes me sad.  More than that ... .  I don't know.  It feels like it puts me in chase mode and him in flee mode.

I hear all of you about "no regrets."  But with pwBPD, one can regret making a big show of commitment which scares them away, too, no?  I feel like I need to find a way to be myself (thank you Myself!) and convey what I feel, but in a posture where I am stronger, not just saying "well, I'll be here if you ever want me."  Something that challenges him, in a way, rather than prostrating myself.  Any ideas about how to do that?

Still mulling.  And of course I will listen and watch to see how he handles this, too.

[coworkerfriend]

P&C - I have been thinking about this since I read it - I can completely imagine how your head must be spinning.  Things were moving in a positive direction with both of you better understanding each other that it doesn't make sense that he is leaving within weeks.

I wish I had some magic words that could help - I think that I am at a loss for words because as I look back, time and patience have allowed my r/s to evolve and grow in ways that I did not think was possible a few years ago. As we have been talking lately, I have learned more about his need to feel secure with me and how I have developed a better understanding of that.  I know how horrible I feel when my pwBPD mentions leaving - I can't imagine being faced with that reality when things were going well.

What kind of proclamation are you thinking of?  Have you written out what you would want to say to him?  I write things down when I need to get them out - I don't end up sharing my words - I usually throw them out but it does help me to put them on paper.


 to you

[patientandclear]

CWF: thanks so much for that.  I am so impressed with the recent developments with your partner.  That is the sort of thing I had hoped we were working toward -- slow establishment of trust.  This certainly interrupts that, maybe in a permanent way.

[sm15000]

P&C,

What a roller-coaster ride you've been on. . .and are still on 

As you say "this is him" and so that is what you have to deal with.  Personally, I agree with you - you would not make the big 'love' announcement if he were not moving, so why do it now. . .I should imagine that would either a) freak him out or b) instigate him to behave in a way that he cannot sustain again.

If he goes ahead with this, and leaves. . .you will know the right things to say - I expect something like you will miss him, he is very important to you, that he keeps in touch and you will be there for him. . .because that's how you honestly feel.

Good Luck 

[Phoenix.Rising]

Speak from your heart.  If it pushes him further away, then so be it. 

Be true to yourself. 

I suspect though, either way, it's likely you'll still be able to continue communication with him, if that's what you want.

I know it's heartbreaking for you because you love him.  I understand.

I support you!   

[seeking balance]

But I am wondering if I should say or do anything to make my feelings for him clearer before he goes.  He often makes comments about how it feels all of life is loss.  Yet I am right here, we care so much for each other, and ... .  well, it doesn't need to be all about loss.  We could be companions in a way that doesn't inhibit his efforts to explore new terrain.  I'm not going to leave him but I also don't need to "keep" him.  He can grow and be connected with me.

Do I need to talk with him about this?  Or is it obvious?  Or if it's not obvious, is it something that we still need to allow to grow over time, even after he's left town, if it is going to?  Is talking about it now absolutely the wrong thing to do?

Exactly what is it you are looking for from him with talking to him about loss?

What are your feelings exactly that he doesn't already know?