Do I take the bait? Periodic contact from her

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I'd say an average of every month she will send me text messages, usually just of an informational type -- pertaining to a topic in which we are both interested, or a famous quote typed over a moving photo or whatever -- and I ignore them.  Actually, the first time I said "cool pics" and she did not respond.  Then I asked why she had sent them to me.  Her response was that she just thought I'd be interested in them.

Then about 2 weeks ago, she sent something personal for the first time -- asking if I was OK, that she was worried about me.  She even called which was a shock.  I ignored this for a few days and said "I'm fine."  Her response "OK".

Subsequently she sent a couple more of the picture-type texts.  It's been about 10 days since I've heard from her.

And I always say this when I post a new thread.  I don't know if she has BPD.  I do know that it went from the best relationship I've ever had to the worst, sort of like the stages of seducer, clinger, hater.

And since I have started looking at my role in the relationship, I sometimes wonder if it was a sort of synergy between us, with both of our issues, that led to our demise.  Well, surely it was.  I guess what I'm saying is, if I had been healthier, would it have worked?  Although I'm trying to work through it, sometimes I fantasize that I could show her I'm working to be better and hope that she would do the same.  Maybe I'm projecting hopes onto a relationship that doesn't exist anymore.

I've disabled notifications for her texts which are hidden, but I still check on occasion.  When she calls, it's blocked, but I still see the missed call, which has only happened once since BU. 

I was reading some general relationship stuff online yesterday and many things say when a person wants to get back, they often just don't say so.  It starts with some very timid, vague attempt.

So, what if she doesn't have BPD?  What if we can work together?

I have regrets about my behavior at times during the RS.  But I felt like when I tried to make things right, she wouldn't accept it.  I'm not an angel, but I cared if I hurt her and would try not to make the same mistake again.  It just seemed like I was supposed to never get upset with her for anything she did, no matter how much it hurt me, yet if I did something minor, including being upset with her, I was stonewalled.

Maybe I'm just saying the same things I've said a hundred times already.  Maybe I still believe there could be a miraculous reconciliation fit for the ending of a romantic movie.  Much strife and conflict resulting in resolution/discovery/happiness.

[struggli]

I'd say an average of every month she will send me text messages, usually just of an informational type -- pertaining to a topic in which we are both interested, or a famous quote typed over a moving photo or whatever -- and I ignore them.  Actually, the first time I said "cool pics" and she did not respond.  Then I asked why she had sent them to me.  Her response was that she just thought I'd be interested in them.

Then about 2 weeks ago, she sent something personal for the first time -- asking if I was OK, that she was worried about me.  She even called which was a shock.  I ignored this for a few days and said "I'm fine."  Her response "OK".

Subsequently she sent a couple more of the picture-type texts.  It's been about 10 days since I've heard from her.

And I always say this when I post a new thread.  I don't know if she has BPD.  I do know that it went from the best relationship I've ever had to the worst, sort of like the stages of seducer, clinger, hater.

And since I have started looking at my role in the relationship, I sometimes wonder if it was a sort of synergy between us, with both of our issues, that led to our demise.  Well, surely it was.  I guess what I'm saying is, if I had been healthier, would it have worked?  Although I'm trying to work through it, sometimes I fantasize that I could show her I'm working to be better and hope that she would do the same.  Maybe I'm projecting hopes onto a relationship that doesn't exist anymore.

I've disabled notifications for her texts which are hidden, but I still check on occasion.  When she calls, it's blocked, but I still see the missed call, which has only happened once since BU. 

I was reading some general relationship stuff online yesterday and many things say when a person wants to get back, they often just don't say so.  It starts with some very timid, vague attempt.

So, what if she doesn't have BPD?  What if we can work together?

I have regrets about my behavior at times during the RS.  But I felt like when I tried to make things right, she wouldn't accept it.  I'm not an angel, but I cared if I hurt her and would try not to make the same mistake again.  It just seemed like I was supposed to never get upset with her for anything she did, no matter how much it hurt me, yet if I did something minor, including being upset with her, I was stonewalled.

Maybe I'm just saying the same things I've said a hundred times already.  Maybe I still believe there could be a miraculous reconciliation fit for the ending of a romantic movie.  Much strife and conflict resulting in resolution/discovery/happiness.

[RedRightAnkle]

Hi Struggli,

No one can tell you whether you should "take the bait" or not. But just think about everything you have said.

How long has it been since you two broke up?

This happened a lot before the last time my BF and I got back together. He would send a very innocuous text and I wouldn't respond; then once he apologized (something personal), and I replied and he shook it off like it was no big deal. It was super frustrating. I think she is hurting. She honestly might just need a friend.

I think it does take a more mentally secure person to handle anyone with any type of mental illness. Even then it STILL isn't easy. I would say take a look at the circumstances of how you two broke up and see if there is anything worth reconciling. Also, take a look at your life now - is it better, worse, the same?

I don't know your story, but most likely she is mentally unstable in one way or another, and it's up to you whether you want to accept it or not. There is a chance you could better yourself but she won't. Then where will you be?

Just take a current inventory of your life and see where it leads you. If it leads you to feel like you shouldn't contact her, beef up your security to make sure you don't here from her. If you think it might be worth reaching out, take it very slowly and on your own time. Only you can know what is best for you.

I hope at least a little of this gibberish helps!

Take Care

[wb1233]

Struggi

Redrightankle makes some good points. I would take it a step further. What you are going through is what 2010 states is a limberance hope. You have not yet decided to give up hope of getting back together. The problem is that if she is BPD she is testing you while she tries to attach to her new host. Remember what we know about BPD. They cannot be unattached. If she has not been with you continually she is already trying to attach to other hosts.

[daintrovert13]

Manipulation in my opinion. I feel as if this comes naturally.

My ex does the same thing. One day im ordered to stay out of her life...

telling me we have nothing to talk about... then with in a week when she sees

Im actually taking heed... she pull a stunt like your exgf.

It's like she enjoys the push/pull situation.

[goodguy]

yeah my first reaction is that she's doing it to keep a connection with you in case she needs you. Mine contacts me via text or chat every 3 weeks or so despite her being in a relationship with the guy she cheated on me with. I'd ignore the bait if she really is BPD

[maria1]

I know that whatever I do and whatever he does my ex cannot deal with being close to me and he will push me away eventually. So I have conact but I accept that he will come and go. I will not let myself get too pulled in and I will never accept a relationship with him again because it will hurt me and it will hurt him.

We are what we are. Maybe we can be friends, maybe not. Nothing I did in the r/s would have made the r/s work ultimately. It might have ended it further on or sooner but ultimately it would have ended.

It's hard accepting that the person you loved couldn't o it. It's also hard accepting that you loved a person who couldn't do it for your own reasons.

[struggli]

Thanks for your replies.

Well, I know that I cannot be her friend, which I have told her every time she has left.  She keeps in contact with her other exes which was one of the problems when we were together.  I did not like that one bit.  If we were in a difficult situation, she would start reaching out to her ex. 

Is my life better without her?  I don't know.  It's different.  But I wake up every morning missing her.  The feeling isn't as intense anymore.  At some point it was an unbearable agony, like I somehow wanting to jump out of my body.  It's hard to explain exactly.

Oh man, I feel crappy again... .  

She started going out to bars when she turned 21, despite saying prior to that she was annoyed at places like that.  Then she said "We should go out together."  I said "I'd rather do something with you one on one than go somewhere where a bunch of horny guys are trying to get laid."  She said "Is that why people go to bars?"  I said "It seems to be that way a lot of the time."  She smiled real big and looked out into space as if she was dissociating/imagining all the guys she could pick up/control/flirt with.  Of course, that's my projection of her thoughts, but it's what her body language seemed to say.  She didn't say anything and very quickly thereafter just started going out without me, not calling me for days on end.

She was/is a very touchy-feely person, but only with guys.

I just couldn't take it anymore, always feeling like I had to fight competition that she manifested with poor boundaries.

So when I stopped hearing from her regularly, I assumed she was probably pursuing someone else, since that seemed to be the pattern in the past.  "I need some time alone" = "I need time alone from struggli and no one else"

F--k, I guess I'm just a backup now like all the other guys.  I was nothing special.  That connection that I felt was just business as usual with her.

I set up my phone to respond automatically to texts or calls with a message that her number has been blocked.  I get no notification and have to go through a series of steps to see if she has contacted me.

[maria1]

'Is my life better without her?  I don't know.  It's different.  But I wake up every morning missing her.  The feeling isn't as intense anymore.  At some point it was an unbearable agony, like I somehow wanting to jump out of my body.  It's hard to explain exactly.

Oh man, I feel crappy again... .  '

Sounds like you're grieving Struggli- there's no way out of it except through it. Acknowledge and feel the feelings, just as you are and be kind to yourself.

It's getting better and that will continue but my experience and others on here seems to be that the healing isn't necessarily linear. I've just had a period of increased contact and I can feel myself waiting for his next response. At least I know what's going on with my feelings and it doesn't hurt in the same way any more.

I did exactly the same thing with blocking email- it's good to make t hard for yourself. There's a great workshop on NC on here somewhere which might help you right now. Sounds like you are doing good work