Trying to cope with mother with BPD

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My mom will not get help. From what I've read about BPD it pretty much describes her to a T. I think she also has a narcissistic issue too.

It has always been a struggle with her. I have been through some counseling years ago. There have been times when I cut her out of my life because it got too much.

As of late (as she's gotten older), her outbursts are becoming more frequent and it seems to take less to initiate them. And when she does she'll bring up stuff from the past (she'll go back 25-30 years to when I was a kid and did something hurful to her).

Her biggest panic seems to be the fear of abandonment. I understand why she is this way as she has told me all my life the atrocities that happened to her.

She wants constant affirmation and reassurance that I will be there and want to know how in every possible scenario that could possibly come up. I guess it doesn't sound to unreasonable, until you know that it wont' be enough. Well for now, but a couple of months or even weeks, she'll want more clarification  and then more examples and then not just say it, but send a card.

This is only the most recent issue, there are many others that cycle through and probably will overlap. She will not get help. So I am having some crisis of my own trying to figure out a healthy, respectful way of dealing with her. I don't necessarily want to cut her out again, but I feel so stressed and actually have a physical reaction (increased heart rate, dry mouth, headache) when I go to deal with her.

Hoping to find some tools and suggestions on this site.

[Calliope1973]

My mom will not get help. From what I've read about BPD it pretty much describes her to a T. I think she also has a narcissistic issue too.

It has always been a struggle with her. I have been through some counseling years ago. There have been times when I cut her out of my life because it got too much.

As of late (as she's gotten older), her outbursts are becoming more frequent and it seems to take less to initiate them. And when she does she'll bring up stuff from the past (she'll go back 25-30 years to when I was a kid and did something hurful to her).

Her biggest panic seems to be the fear of abandonment. I understand why she is this way as she has told me all my life the atrocities that happened to her.

She wants constant affirmation and reassurance that I will be there and want to know how in every possible scenario that could possibly come up. I guess it doesn't sound to unreasonable, until you know that it wont' be enough. Well for now, but a couple of months or even weeks, she'll want more clarification  and then more examples and then not just say it, but send a card.

This is only the most recent issue, there are many others that cycle through and probably will overlap. She will not get help. So I am having some crisis of my own trying to figure out a healthy, respectful way of dealing with her. I don't necessarily want to cut her out again, but I feel so stressed and actually have a physical reaction (increased heart rate, dry mouth, headache) when I go to deal with her.

Hoping to find some tools and suggestions on this site.

[Suzn]

Hello Calliope1973 

Sounds like your having some real struggles with your mother, I'm sorry this is happening. BPD is a serious mental illness and can be painful and frustrating for all involved. You've come to the right place for support. Many of the members here have parents with BPD and all understand what you're going through.

A lot of the time people with BPD don't see there's an issue so it's difficult to get them into therapy. It has to be something they want to do for themselves.

How are you coping now? Have you considered going back to therapy for support with what you're up against?

[Calliope1973]

Thanks Suzn.

Yeah well the challenging part has come in because I am trying to say no but in a loving/compassionate way. My gut is to just piss her off to the point of breaking the relationship, but I'm trying to do the healthier option.

I have thought about going back to counseling for myself because as she's getting older her fears seem closer to her.

I guess the ironic thing about this disorder is the BPD person oftentimes creates the situation they are most afraid of... being alone with no friends or family.

Another aspect to this is my dad begging me to "help" to say this or that to keep her calm. He is truly in an abusive fear driven relationship with my mom. My dad and I have been compadres over the years b/c of my mom's volatile behavior.

do you know how I would maybe find a support group in my area? or a counselor who understands BPD and/or the aging parent?