confused about feelings towards BPD mum

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all,

I'm a 28 year old mother of 1, due to give birth to #2 in 2 weeks. My BPD mum has only recently been officially diagnosed (though not to her face, she agreed to allow my dad to be in contact with her T about her 'issues' following a particularly serious outburst. She thinks she has PTSD and depression). She has literally made my life hell for as long as I can remember. I'm the 'bad' child but also her favourite when I'm not the devil because I gave her grandchildren and my brother has not yet.

In my last pregnancy she announced that she would not only be attending the birth but that she would also be moving in with my DH and I for a month (1 week before the birth and 3 weeks after). I agonised for weeks about how to tell her no to staying with us. DH grudgingly even agreed to allow her to be present for the birth because I was too scared to say no to that as well. She told everyone in her town that I had told her that I wanted to give her the 'gift' of seeing her granddaughter born because she'd been the perfect mum to her. That I wanted her to come, not to do anything, just be there as a gift because she had earned it. Which is just about the weirdest thing I've ever heard but that's what my Dad tells me she said I said. Eventually, 6 weeks before I was due I worked up the courage to tell her she couldn't stay with us. I told her that she was welcome to stay with us in the week before my due date, that she was welcome to be at the birth, that she was welcome to stay in town (she lives in another state) in a hotel for as long as she wanted afterwards HOWEVER for the two weeks following the birth that DH had paternity leave we wanted to just have he, I and our new baby together under our roof. After that she could come stay with us again. I endured 6 weeks after that of voicemail abuse, email abuse, text abuse, harrassment from my Dad about how I was making her feel. She would email me to say that for her own emotional safety she had to cut contact with me and that I wasn't to return the email or speak to her ever again. I would respect her request with relief only to receive an email 2 days later about how I was manipulating her into doing what I wanted by cutting her off from her unborn granddaughter. She told me that living with us was a gift that she wanted to give my DH and I, to cook and clean for us (this is never what she does, she claims to come down with severe migranes whenever she comes to stay and makes us wait on her hand and foot while she lies abed for days moaning), but that we were rejecting her gift and that we hated her. The calls came night and day, texts in the middle of the night and eventually I went into labour 2 weeks early after having daily Braxton Hicks for the 6 weeks she harrassed me. She still tells my father that she can't forgive me for excluding her from the birth and taking back the gift I told her I was giving her, despite the fact that even if she'd gotten what she wanted and come to stay for a week before the birth she still would have missed it because I had a very fast labour 2 weeks early and she is a plane trip distance away.

Giving birth was in her eyes an opportunity to end the conflict without resolving it. She sent me an email saying that she wished nothing but joy for me at that time and that she thought we should resume contact as before the 'fight' and 'come back to our issues at a more appropriate time'. I had really no idea what BPD entailed then, my immediate family has always supported her claims that every conflict is my fault and that she wouldn't strike out if I would just stop abusing and manipulating her, even though she treats them the same often. I'm the only one who tries to stand up to her so therefore conflicts with me are always bigger than my brother and Dad who fold at the first sign of trouble, and I was so into being a first time mum that I just jumped at the suggestion. Plus of course I really felt like I am the problem in our family, after having been told for so long that I was.

Everything was fairly peachy for the longest time after that. There were a few incidents but very minor ones and she seemed to be getting over her dramas in hours rather than weeks or months. I felt like I had to call her at least once every single day because she had no one else but when she's good, she's very good (when she's bad she's worse) so while I felt like a little kid having to talk to my mum several times a day but it wasn't unpleasant conversation really. Until I became pregnant again (my children will be 21 months apart). She came down to visit while I was in the worst of my morning sickness and spent a week playing florence nightingale. She actually took care of me and my house so that I could stay in bed being sick all day, it was the nicest thing I can honestly say she's ever done. She loves positive attention from my DH so whenever he's around she's on better behaviour but this was beyond most of the things she'd done. She even stopped walking around my house in just her underwear as per my request, which is something she does in front of EVERYONE, family or not. Family get to see her walk around naked, including my 25 year old brother. Blerg.

A few weeks after she left my DH and I went through a 2 week long rough patch, his work was requiring a whole lot of extra hours and days and I was still really sick. I didn't have the energy to keep up with the housework or be the mum I wanted to be and he was tired and irritable from being at work so much. I was resenting him being gone so much and he was resenting coming home to having to help with the housework and dinner. We snapped and fought and I confided in my mum who seemed very sympathetic. She invited me and my daughter to come for a holiday to my parents house for 2 weeks. She promised that I would not have to cook or clean for 2 weeks and that she would spend the quality time playing with and teaching my daughter that I felt I wasn't putting enough into at the time. It sounded like a dream and she'd been so nice that week she had stayed, not to mention that she seemed to be getting better... .  

The dream lasted 2 days before she flipped her lid about being asked to pause a movie for 5 mins so my DH could tell me about his day on the phone. I'd even asked him to call back later but he was missing us and had big news so my Dad stepped in and asked her to wait 5 mins too. She went nuts and I went to bed stating I'd finish the movie in the morning. I heard her screaming at my Dad for over an hour about him ganging up on her and that her T had told her to "ask for what she wants" and by not giving it to her we were abusing her. DH stayed on the phone with me and we were just stunned. It was so not a big deal, literally a 5 minute break while I took a phone call was all that was being asked of her. She didn't talk to me for 2 days after that. She took off early and carried out all the plans we had made together without my daughter and I. She told my dad that she had skipped some medication and that's why she was 'feeling vulnerable to attack' when we 'ganged up on her' but she had also told me that she thought she had missed the medication (one dose of anti-depressant) and I had happened to see her taking it (she had asked me to pass her the blister pack) so I had reassured her at the time that she hadn't missed it. She lied to my dad to make him think there was an excuse for her behaviour.

continued in comments, sorry

[hadenoughmum]

Hi all,

I'm a 28 year old mother of 1, due to give birth to #2 in 2 weeks. My BPD mum has only recently been officially diagnosed (though not to her face, she agreed to allow my dad to be in contact with her T about her 'issues' following a particularly serious outburst. She thinks she has PTSD and depression). She has literally made my life hell for as long as I can remember. I'm the 'bad' child but also her favourite when I'm not the devil because I gave her grandchildren and my brother has not yet.

In my last pregnancy she announced that she would not only be attending the birth but that she would also be moving in with my DH and I for a month (1 week before the birth and 3 weeks after). I agonised for weeks about how to tell her no to staying with us. DH grudgingly even agreed to allow her to be present for the birth because I was too scared to say no to that as well. She told everyone in her town that I had told her that I wanted to give her the 'gift' of seeing her granddaughter born because she'd been the perfect mum to her. That I wanted her to come, not to do anything, just be there as a gift because she had earned it. Which is just about the weirdest thing I've ever heard but that's what my Dad tells me she said I said. Eventually, 6 weeks before I was due I worked up the courage to tell her she couldn't stay with us. I told her that she was welcome to stay with us in the week before my due date, that she was welcome to be at the birth, that she was welcome to stay in town (she lives in another state) in a hotel for as long as she wanted afterwards HOWEVER for the two weeks following the birth that DH had paternity leave we wanted to just have he, I and our new baby together under our roof. After that she could come stay with us again. I endured 6 weeks after that of voicemail abuse, email abuse, text abuse, harrassment from my Dad about how I was making her feel. She would email me to say that for her own emotional safety she had to cut contact with me and that I wasn't to return the email or speak to her ever again. I would respect her request with relief only to receive an email 2 days later about how I was manipulating her into doing what I wanted by cutting her off from her unborn granddaughter. She told me that living with us was a gift that she wanted to give my DH and I, to cook and clean for us (this is never what she does, she claims to come down with severe migranes whenever she comes to stay and makes us wait on her hand and foot while she lies abed for days moaning), but that we were rejecting her gift and that we hated her. The calls came night and day, texts in the middle of the night and eventually I went into labour 2 weeks early after having daily Braxton Hicks for the 6 weeks she harrassed me. She still tells my father that she can't forgive me for excluding her from the birth and taking back the gift I told her I was giving her, despite the fact that even if she'd gotten what she wanted and come to stay for a week before the birth she still would have missed it because I had a very fast labour 2 weeks early and she is a plane trip distance away.

Giving birth was in her eyes an opportunity to end the conflict without resolving it. She sent me an email saying that she wished nothing but joy for me at that time and that she thought we should resume contact as before the 'fight' and 'come back to our issues at a more appropriate time'. I had really no idea what BPD entailed then, my immediate family has always supported her claims that every conflict is my fault and that she wouldn't strike out if I would just stop abusing and manipulating her, even though she treats them the same often. I'm the only one who tries to stand up to her so therefore conflicts with me are always bigger than my brother and Dad who fold at the first sign of trouble, and I was so into being a first time mum that I just jumped at the suggestion. Plus of course I really felt like I am the problem in our family, after having been told for so long that I was.

Everything was fairly peachy for the longest time after that. There were a few incidents but very minor ones and she seemed to be getting over her dramas in hours rather than weeks or months. I felt like I had to call her at least once every single day because she had no one else but when she's good, she's very good (when she's bad she's worse) so while I felt like a little kid having to talk to my mum several times a day but it wasn't unpleasant conversation really. Until I became pregnant again (my children will be 21 months apart). She came down to visit while I was in the worst of my morning sickness and spent a week playing florence nightingale. She actually took care of me and my house so that I could stay in bed being sick all day, it was the nicest thing I can honestly say she's ever done. She loves positive attention from my DH so whenever he's around she's on better behaviour but this was beyond most of the things she'd done. She even stopped walking around my house in just her underwear as per my request, which is something she does in front of EVERYONE, family or not. Family get to see her walk around naked, including my 25 year old brother. Blerg.

A few weeks after she left my DH and I went through a 2 week long rough patch, his work was requiring a whole lot of extra hours and days and I was still really sick. I didn't have the energy to keep up with the housework or be the mum I wanted to be and he was tired and irritable from being at work so much. I was resenting him being gone so much and he was resenting coming home to having to help with the housework and dinner. We snapped and fought and I confided in my mum who seemed very sympathetic. She invited me and my daughter to come for a holiday to my parents house for 2 weeks. She promised that I would not have to cook or clean for 2 weeks and that she would spend the quality time playing with and teaching my daughter that I felt I wasn't putting enough into at the time. It sounded like a dream and she'd been so nice that week she had stayed, not to mention that she seemed to be getting better... .  

The dream lasted 2 days before she flipped her lid about being asked to pause a movie for 5 mins so my DH could tell me about his day on the phone. I'd even asked him to call back later but he was missing us and had big news so my Dad stepped in and asked her to wait 5 mins too. She went nuts and I went to bed stating I'd finish the movie in the morning. I heard her screaming at my Dad for over an hour about him ganging up on her and that her T had told her to "ask for what she wants" and by not giving it to her we were abusing her. DH stayed on the phone with me and we were just stunned. It was so not a big deal, literally a 5 minute break while I took a phone call was all that was being asked of her. She didn't talk to me for 2 days after that. She took off early and carried out all the plans we had made together without my daughter and I. She told my dad that she had skipped some medication and that's why she was 'feeling vulnerable to attack' when we 'ganged up on her' but she had also told me that she thought she had missed the medication (one dose of anti-depressant) and I had happened to see her taking it (she had asked me to pass her the blister pack) so I had reassured her at the time that she hadn't missed it. She lied to my dad to make him think there was an excuse for her behaviour.

continued in comments, sorry

[hadenoughmum]

After 2 days of being completely ignored and of them eating every meal out, me cooking for myself and my daughter, there was no food left in the house. Neither my dad (who was also  angry at me by this point for not appologising to my mum) nor my mum would take me to the store to buy food, I didn't have a car and ended up having to walk 50 minutes into town up and down hills pushing a pram to get groceries. I could only buy what I could carry in the pram so I had to go daily. I was 16 weeks pregnant and it was hot out. My mother ignored my daughter too, despite being obsessed with her. I even invited her to spend time with her but not me, she declined. I decided to change our flights and go home. It had cost so much to fly there and back, not to mention the expenses of not being at home and on top of that I was having to do more that I would at home which was the opposite of the point of visiting. I calmly told my parents that we would be taking the first available flight (which was 2 days later) home and cutting the trip short by a week. All hell broke loose and my mum went on a rage about all the trouble I get in that she has to bail me out of (imagined), all the things she's done for me that I don't deserve (lists dating back to my early teens of things including "I took you shopping for your prom dress and this is how you treat me!", etc etc. I stayed very calm and did not, for once, take her bait and yell back. I just kept saying "that's not true mum", "I'm sorry you feel that way". Eventually she had to bring out bigger and bigger guns to try to upset me and it culminated with her screaming 2 cms from my face that I was "a f*** child abuser who deserves to die". Having had such an awful childhood the idea of emotionally abusing my children really scares me. I don't share traits with my mother, I've gone the opposite way and am too passive with my child which is not necessarily a good thing either but child abuse, physical or emotional, is not something I've committed. My mother tells me all the time how like her I am and it is the one thing she says that upsets me enough to really really hurt. This hurt more than that. Something inside me just broke and I feel like at that moment I just stopped caring about anything about her. I called her a fat old miserable b*** and walked away. For the next two days I was completely civil. I didn't talk to her more than necessary but in her eyes she must have felt that my behaviour meant the conflict was over. I still went home but a week later she and my Dad went on a holiday to Bali and she sent me a card telling me that she loved me and didn't have any issues with me. As if she were forgiving me for MY behaviour.

I threw the card in the bin and moved on with life. She called a few times, I ignored the calls. She called my brother about my ignoring her and he told her I was very busy and probably had forgotten to get back to her. Meanwhile, DH and I were trying to process how I felt about the situation. While I was visiting them they had behaved completely innappropriately with their marijuana addiction around my daughter. They smoke first thing in the morning and don't stop until bed time. They've done this since I can remember. While we were there they left drug paraphernalia, coloured lighters and open bowls of drugs all over the house within reach of my daughter. If she was playing on the verandah they would go into the living room to smoke. At night when she had gone to bed they would smoke inside around me. I watched my mother literally bounce a ball with one hand with my daughter while packing a cone of drugs with her other. Every time I would ask them to move something my daughter could reach I would get an eye roll and a snappy "move it yourself" response. Once I got home and started processing my feelings I realised that I was so upset because I was sick of hearing that I had to allow Mum to treat me badly and forgive her without apology because she has mental illness. On the one hand I could see how that could be fair EXCEPT that with the chronic drug use I didn't see how she was making any effort of get better. In fact, I felt that it was undoing any good that her medications or T could be doing. So eventually, after she started calling over and over again, I contacted her. I told her that I DID have issues with her after the visit and that I needed her to listen to me without interupting. I was willing to let the conflict go but something was going to have to change. She replied that she felt exactly the same way and that she also had a list of things I would need to change to be in her life.  I said that at this time I needed her to listen to what I had to say without talking about her list of changes. She screamed down the phone that I couldn't dictate to her, ungrateful little b**** etc. I said that I would have to go and that if she was unwilling to listen I thought it would be best if we didn't communicate until she was. She said fine, I was never to speak to her again.

We had a blissful period of NC before my Dad started texting me about how I was making her unbearably sad and that he "just needed" me to know that. I ended up telling him how I felt about the mental illness and marijuana use. I told him that I was willing to forget everything if they would stop smoking and deal with their addiction. He was really willing, he said he knew they had a problem and he wanted to give up anyway. It was a great conversation. He said he would broach it with my mum and let me know her thoughts. He came back to me with "she said she was going to quit anyway but now that you're demanding it as a condition of her seeing her grandchild she's not going to". Typical. Then her abuse started again. Nasty texts this time, telling me that she'd written me out of her Will and I would "get nothing" from her, that my daughter inherits at 25. That I was a manipulative swear word who had found the one thing that didn't show what i was. That the fight was about her not wanting to be my slave and I was turning it around to make it her fault. That it was clear to her that I had no love or compassion for her. That I knew how much her parents deaths had hurt her so how dare I treat her like this (both parents have been dead for over 10 years). That my story didn't work because she'd sent me to private school and given me braces for my teeth as a teen. That I was a brat, had been spoiled all my life, that I was using my own child to hurt her and that she hoped I got what I deserved. I didn't reply to any of them.

Eventually I got a text that said i had won and to "tell my granddaughter I loved her". It was following a bunch of calls I didn't answer and I thought the tone was off so I actually replied. I said I was sorry that she felt that way. She sent me back a non sensical message about how I had said that she would never see her granddaughter again (untrue) and that it was a self fulfilling prophecy. i told her I didn't understand what she was talking about to which she replied that I had told her 3 times that she would never see her granddaughter again (still untrue) and that i could see the future. My phone ran out of battery at that point and I put it on charge but couldn't write back immediately so she sent back "and her cries fell on indifferent ears". I told her (when my phone came back on) that the battery had died and that I was sorry she felt that way but that I wouldn't be held responsible for her choices. That she was welcome in our lives if she would just seek help for her addiction but until then I didn't feel comfortable letting her treat me and my family badly or allowing my daughter to be exposed to her drug use. She called and I don't know why but I answered. She said "You may not want to be held responsible for my choices but you WILL feel responsible for this for the rest of you life, I promise. I've just taken my last pill. You have killed me."

[hadenoughmum]

I told her I had not, then hung up and called an ambulance to her house. I then called my Dad who had a melt down, crying and "oh god oh god oh god"ing. It turns out he was several hours away on a business trip. We agreed that he would call the police and that I would call her back. She told me she was not at home. I asked her repeatedly over the next hour where she was but she wouldn't tell me. I spoke to her 17 times in that hour though she wouldn't take any calls from my dad or brother. I didn't tell her anyone was looking for her because I didn't want her to move, police were tracking her car and phone GPS. In that time she went from sounding like she was falling asleep one minute to raging and screaming the next. From telling me I had done this to begging me to tell her why I hated her so much to begging me to say nice things to her and tell her I loved her. I was on the phone when the police found her, she was very confused as to how they knew her name, she honestly thought no one was looking for her. I heard her tell them that she hadn't taken anything, that she'd had a little bit of alcohol but that she was fine. Then she hung up on me.

Police took her to the hospital where they learned she had taken about 14 panadol tablets. Not even enough to make her fall asleep, let alone die, yet she had made herself sound on the brink of death to me. I spoke to my Dad at the hospital who told me that he couldn't bear to speak to me right now after what I had done to my mother. I spoke to my brother who told me the same thing. You can imagine how much it hurt to be told by all the family I have that I had caused my mother's actions. For once though I didn't believe them. The next day my Dad called me to apologise for the first time ever. He said he had spoken to both his brother (who runs mental health facilities in another country) and his T who had both given him the serve of his life for what he had said to me. Apparently they both commended me for gaining enough independence from my mum's abuse to take a stand and both had expressed their views that the 'suicide attempt' was completely staged given the level of drama she had wanted and the amount of panadol she had taken. He was completely taken aback by their siding with me and I guess it made him evaluate how bad his life with her was. I don't really understand but somehow he went from enabling her for my whole life to being prepared to do whatever it took to make her get better. His therapist had suggested to him that it sounded like my mum had BPD and that she had a therapist colleague who worked well with BPD if he could convince her to see someone new. He also hoped that she would be committed to the psych ward she had been taken to after it was established that her health wasn't in danger. Unfortunately while he was doing all of that she had talked her way out of being committed and into being allowed to go home. My dad called the psych hospital and begged them to keep her but apparently she expressed enough remorse and "normalness" that they didn't want to keep her. He was distraught because he didn't feel like he had the resources to deal with her. She came home still the same as the day before, everything was my fault, if I hadn't stolen her grandchild from her this wouldn't have happened and eventually, if I didn't text her pictures of my daughter she would try to kill herself again. She sent me texts saying "can i see hit__", no mention of the suicide or apology or anything. My dad begged me so I eventually sent a picture and was rewarded with an apology text from my mum. She told my dad crazy stuff like that she felt that my daughter represented herself before she was abused by her mother and that that was why it was so important to see pictures of her, so that she could see pictures of herself before anything bad happened to her. She would put pictures of my daughter on the computer screen and croon to them while she stroked them and talk about how much it would mean to my daughter to see her (my daughter was 18 months old and has met her grandmother 4 times). We were actually afraid that she would find out where we lived and come to kidnap her or make one of those "if I can't have her no one can" dramas. It very much negated the couple of "im sorry" texts I had received.

Apparently over the next 48 hours she came down from her insanity and started to feel bad. I eventually got a real apology on the phone, no buts, just that she was ashamed of what she'd done and she realised how inappropriate her behaviour (just the suicide mind you) was, especially as I was pregnant and that she would be getting help for both her mental health and her drug addiction. It felt genuine. It still feels genuine.

She started seeing the new BPD therapist who has not given her her diagnosis but has her permission to speak with both my dad and my dad's therapist about her condition and progress. My conflict is that while I felt optimistic and relieved in the beginning I find myself feeling more and more resentful and angry. She really appears to be trying but on the couple of occasions I've talked to her on the phone she acted like everything was back to normal, like nothing had ever happened and we should be best friends. It felt wrong to me. I don't honestly know if I still love her and I certainly don't like her. I feel like going NC but I don't feel like that's ok given that she is trying to get better. I made a compromise with myself that I would be comfortable calling her once a month to update her on my daughter but she has started calling me once a week. Though I don't answer and she leaves messages where her voice sounds sad and dejected, telling me she's just checking in and has "information to pass on". I've told my dad that I want to be the one who initiates contact with her when I feel comfortable and he understood but he also believes that she's nearly better. He says he wouldn't be surprised if she was completely out of therapy within a couple of months and that everything is better/so different/she's recovered fully. It sounds like he is under her spell again. I'm two weeks away from giving birth and I know they're waiting for my invitation to book flights to come down to see the new baby but I really don't want them to. I just feel like I've had enough, no matter what she does good or bad, I don't see how I can forgive her or feel anything for her other than frustration, anger or at best numbness. I wonder if this makes me a bad person. I don't really have a question, I'm just hoping to be able to vent my story and maybe hear some of your perspectives on what I've written, or some of your experiences with BPD mothers. Reading material suggestions are also welcome and while I'm not currently seeing a therapist about my feelings I am aware that I probably should be so my plan is to more than likely start once my baby is born. Thanks for reading, I know it was a long one, I don't have any friends with families like mine so it's hard to talk to them, they don't really know what to say.

[Clearmind]

Firstly I wanted to give you a hug and commend you on opening up for support. Its hard and the obligation and guilt runs ever so deep.

In my last pregnancy she announced that she would not only be attending the birth but that she would also be moving in with my DH and I for a month (1 week before the birth and 3 weeks after). I agonised for weeks about how to tell her no to staying with us. DH grudgingly even agreed to allow her to be present for the birth because I was too scared to say no to that as well. She told everyone in her town that I had told her that I wanted to give her the 'gift' of seeing her granddaughter born because she'd been the perfect mum to her.

Hadenoughmum, Wow!

It’s important that both you and DH are on the same page are strong with your boundaries. It’s up to the two of you to protect yourselves because she will walk all over you.

She has guilted you. I am sorry about this and I do know how it feels. I had to do a lot of work on learning to not feel guilty for not helping my uBPDfather during his cries for help.

It was hard at first yes however a total necessity.

That I wanted her to come, not to do anything, just be there as a gift because she had earned it. Which is just about the weirdest thing I've ever heard but that's what my Dad tells me she said I said.

Odd indeed. Its almost child like – a reward for being good!

I endured 6 weeks after that of voicemail abuse, email abuse, text abuse, harrassment from my Dad about how I was making her feel.

I’m sorry to be blunt – she is an adult who needs to learn how to self soothe. Let her abuse fly – don’t read emails, don’t pick up the phone. Set some firm boundaries.

And don’t justify, explain to her why you feel the way you do – she won’t get it and you are only fuelling the fire.

She told me that living with us was a gift that she wanted to give my DH and I, to cook and clean for us

Lets label this for what is – controlling behaviour.

I felt like I had to call her at least once every single day because she had no one else but when she's good, she's very good

Really! We set up a pattern with our BPD loved ones. We cannot control how much they call – we can control how many times we pick up the phone.

Hadenoughmum, it’s common for children of BPD parents to feel tremendous fear, obligation and guilt when it comes to our parents. This is how we were required to be as children.  We also tend to model our relationship style from our the other parent. My mother was an enabler – I grew up with quite severe rescuing tendencies. I spent much of my 20’s and 30’s attempting to rescue my father. Not my role.

You my friend, are now an adult with adult privileges – you get to decide! If we negate our needs and don’t set boundaries – we end up feeling resentful. This only hurts us and has absolutely no impact on our BPD parents who do lack the ability to take our needs into consideration – this requires you and DH to step up.

We need to learn how to become separate to our parents and build personal self worth. We do this by recognizing what our values are. Personal values are the beliefs, values, and philosophies that we hold about life, its purpose, and our own purpose. As we grow up, we take on board the personal values of others around us until we reach the teen years and start to accept or reject such values as being a part of who we are, or not a part of our own selves. It is easy, however, to pass by the active recognition and sorting of personal values, and to just accept those values that were ingrained in us by parents, teachers, society, etc. We can do this because the fit is comfortable and easy.

Defining your own personal values does require taking a deep look at ourselves and facing our assumptions, but it is well worth the effort when you seek guidance for the remainder of your life.

What values are you wanting to live your life by? – family values and your own personal values?

[FindingStrength]

I am SO sorry for the stress you have endured because of your mum at one of the most special points of your life.  I figure that navigating the brand new waters of being a new mum is stressful enough without having to shoulder the burden of being the "good daughter" or keeping your own child away from hazards in the house.

I am also sorry that your brother and father are enabling and enmeshed and side with her.  I know how it can feel to be the black sheep of the family and to be told so many times that you're the one who is different or wrong.  Being told that enough can begin to make even the strongest believe it.  I am glad you are here where you can share your story openly, without judgement, and be validated for your emotions.  You are not wrong, you are not bad, we all know that, we all have had some experiences similar to yours that prove that. 

Your story is eye-opening and terrifying for me.  I see myself headed down the same path that you've recently traversed.  My family, extended family included, react very similarly to my mother's rages and guilt-tripping and sweeping proclamations of 'love'.   Everyone tells me to hold on until I'm engaged or married because then she won't have any ways to 'parent' (exert control) as I will be an independent adult.  Never mind that I'm living on my own, supporting myself financially almost entirely, in a stable relationship and working towards a very solid career... .  marriage is what defines adulthood. I have always felt that marriage and children will only exacerbate my mother's fear of abandonment and her degree of invasiveness into my life and to know from someone else that these fears could be justified is, well, what I said before, both terrifying and eye-opening.  Thank you for sharing, I know it couldn't have been easy to do so.


I would commend your caution on your mum's ability to change so quickly.  It sounds like your father might be caught up in hope and carried away by his appreciation for her ability to seek help.  While we do want to encourage pwBPD to seek help, I believe I've read before that being overly enthusiastic about their ability to improve often sends them into negative behaviour as the fear support being withdrawn or family members believing they are 'independent' and abandoning them.  Even if this wouldn't be the case with your mum, I encourage you to remember that therapy, interventions and medication only work so long as the person taking them is rigorous about the way that they are applied.  My own mother (uBPD, she is only aware that she has depression) has been through CBT and many different kinds of antidepressants.  She uses the fact that she went through CBT as a blanket excuse for her behaviour currently, despite the fact that she no longer makes any attempt to pratice the techniques she learned.  Just the fact that she sought help means that she's not the one who is defective, the target of her anger is.  Continue to set limits and work hard at enforcing them, especially when she goes off.  Enlist the help of DH and any friends or other family you might find supportive. 

I agree with Clearmind.  Have you had the opportunity yet to do some soul-searching and some reflecting on things that are important to you in terms of values and goals?

Also don't forget to take time to do things that make you happy.  You're going to be a mum x 2 soon and you are a million percent justified in taking absolute care of yourself. 

GGG

[InaMinorRole]

What you've been through is just horrible, and to have to deal with this while pregnant is very sad.

When someone is hurt a little bit they heal up pretty quickly and move on. When they are hurt repeatedly over time, in a vicious way, by people who are supposed to love them, healing takes a long time. I don't think you or anyone reasonable should expect you to go, oh, she's well now so we can be good friends. And that's even if you do believe the story about her getting better.

I think you ought to establish a minimal contact rule for the time being, and by time being I mean the next several years. If she really is doing better she will understand that she badly hurt you - that requires compassion, and if she has no compassion for you then it will be more of the same.

You entitled this "confused about feelings" but when someone else reads through your experience it's not confusing at all. You've given her every chance. She's been cruel to you. I'm sure there are mitigating factors, things that happened to her when she was young, but you are not going to fix that.

Make a note somewhere if you have to, but understand this: you cannot fix the hole in your mother. 

In fact you are probably the worst possible person to fix the hole, not because you're a failure, but because what she wants from you specifically is not in your power to give her. A grandchild who will be her younger self? The target dummy she strikes out at when she thinks of her own failures (you being an "abusive" mother)? The only thing you can do is allow her to manipulate you into this weird codependent relationship, and I don't think you want that. When movie stars get stalked nobody expects the movie star to fix the problem the stalker has, they just keep the stalker away. The stalker's problems are his own and the star is the worst person to fix them. The way she projects so much on you and your children reminds me of the fantasy world of a stalker. Obviously it's not a perfect analogy because she's your mother and not a perfect stranger. But it's all about her feelings with no regard whatsoever for yours.

You have my deepest sympathy for all you are going through and I pray your new little baby will be healthy and you can all make a happy life together.

[hadenoughmum]

Thank you all for such kind and thoughtful words. I felt like crying when I first read them as I've never had that kind of understanding phrasing. When I tell friends or DH about what's going on they either react angrily ("how dare she!" or with disbelief ("are you kidding me, that's crazy!" and both reactions come with the same advice ("she can't treat you like that, tell her to stop!" which makes plenty of sense, unless you're talking about someone with BPD. I so appreciate feeling understood that it's not ok for me to accept being treated this way but that it's also far more complicated for me than just cutting her off or telling her to behave differently.

I would like to ask some advice if I may, I've never laid down boundaries calmly before. I've made rules or demands that she behave certain ways that are reasonable but always in the heat of an argument. This has, as I'm sure you can appreciate, never gone down well and have always been chalked up (by BPDmum) as things I said when I was angry but didn't mean, therefore giving her an excuse to keep stomping all over my boundaries. I have a better understanding of how the disorder works now and realise that this approach would NEVER have worked! I understand from reading material on laying boundaries with pwBPD that you don't necessarily have to vocalise them, just start living them. However, when it comes to phone contact (thankfully she lives too far away to have to worry much about in person contact more than a few times a year) I feel like I need to ask her to wait for me to contact her. I feel anxious whenever she calls me. I'm only prepared at this time to speak to her once a month. She has already started calling once a week, every friday, twice in a day because I haven't picked up the phone the first time. I know that at the moment she feels some kind of shame or remorse about her suicide attempt and telling me she was doing it because of me and that is why she only calls once a week so far. However, when she has completely forgotten about the incident she will up the anti and I know I will eventually be receiving daily calls. If I don't answer she will think that I'm mad at her, feel that I have no right to be mad at her and therefore get angry herself. I CANNOT deal with another drama with her again. I honestly feel (at this time) like the next time she blows up will be the last time I talk to her. I really want to avoid this by asking her to let me call her and that it will only be once a month. I have no idea how to calmly or effectively communicate this with her. PLEASE HELP!

[Clearmind]

Hugs to you and yes we all get it all too well. There is hope though to make things better for you.

Boundaries are really important however when dealing with a Borderline who is dysregulated the only boundary that really will protect you is to physically leave or hang up the phone. Trying to reason with a Borderline when dysregulated is invalidating for you and her.

Absolutely start living them. This is what I meant by researching what your values are. Mine are honesty, respect, humility among others. I know when I need to protect my values and use boundary statements.

Guilt is hard to overcome. My father use to call upwards of 4 times a day! He would also call me at work – not on! I asked him to please not call at work anymore. He respects it – you need to set limits – a Borderline doesn’t have any.

You will feel anxious until such time as you work on your obligation to be there for her. I went through a very trying time about 2 years ago with this. I felt like I was abandoning my father by not answering calls. I started medium chill and not call back right away. I would leave it a day and then stretch it out. If you answer every time, she will keep calling. This is a pattern you need to break.

If you don’t answer yes she may think you are mad at her – you feel guilty – she is your mother and an adult – she needs to learn how to self soothe.

It’s not uncommon for us kids to go no contact (NC) with our parents. I did it for a period of 6 months.

A few articles for you to read when you get a chance:

How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children

Protecting Ourselves with Values and Boundaries

Be kind to you.

[FindingStrength]

A few articles for you to read when you get a chance:

Medium chill (for a BPD parent)

How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children

Protecting Ourselves with Values and Boundaries

Clearmind,

Thank you for your post, I'm very interested in all those articles too,

Is there a particular reason I can't see the first link?

[Clearmind]

Yes! It's not available anymore - I hadn't realized. Lemme check on it and I will get back to you all.

If you google medium chill you may find some good info as well. 

[Clearmind]

I asked and this one is more up to date

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=64749.0

This workshop is a good read - in essence we cannot change our BPD loved ones however we can change the way we react!

Often we neglect to notice our own triggers. For me, my father incessantly calling was a trigger because I knew what phone calls entail.

A combination of having personal limits and boundaries coupled with mindfulness/wise mind helps me to manage the guilt. We place the guilt on ourselves - its our choice to react to their guilt trips. Detachment to the words is important.

It is hard I know! Takes time and practice.

How can we set boundaries with our parents?