A question...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I am detaching from the relationship with various degrees of success. I have learned a lot from the posts on this forum and everyday I feel I get closer to some truth. I am for the first time in my life telling my father about my feelings and experiences with exBPDgf, and it is a weird sensation to it. I have grown into it. Now I am getting to a picture of my childhood. And I am starting to wonder about certain things about my father. I can't remember my childhood, there are only a few memories there. He would use silent treatment on me and stop talking to me for a period, if I had done something bad. This I remember from youth. He has a really perverse need for attention from others, and constantly brag about things he has done, and I always felt he is "competing" with me. My exgf not BP pointed this behavior out to me once, saying she did not like that he only came on a visit after he had been somewhere cool, and only talk about it. When we talk now he listens but can not really connect to what I am saying and eventually turning the topic into something it is not, leaving me to feel confused. I know this behavior very well now, and now I don't let him do it completely bringing the conversation back to where I was. I have read about walking on eggshells and recognized that i did do that with my exBPDgf, but now something in my memory tells me that I might have done that with him. My father also would disappear for days going on drinking sprees, neglecting my younger sister, this is also a youth memory. I am thinking that this might have something to do with why I stayed in a relationship with exBPDgf. Has anyone has some insights regarding the traits I listed about my father?

[Mountaineagle]

I am detaching from the relationship with various degrees of success. I have learned a lot from the posts on this forum and everyday I feel I get closer to some truth. I am for the first time in my life telling my father about my feelings and experiences with exBPDgf, and it is a weird sensation to it. I have grown into it. Now I am getting to a picture of my childhood. And I am starting to wonder about certain things about my father. I can't remember my childhood, there are only a few memories there. He would use silent treatment on me and stop talking to me for a period, if I had done something bad. This I remember from youth. He has a really perverse need for attention from others, and constantly brag about things he has done, and I always felt he is "competing" with me. My exgf not BP pointed this behavior out to me once, saying she did not like that he only came on a visit after he had been somewhere cool, and only talk about it. When we talk now he listens but can not really connect to what I am saying and eventually turning the topic into something it is not, leaving me to feel confused. I know this behavior very well now, and now I don't let him do it completely bringing the conversation back to where I was. I have read about walking on eggshells and recognized that i did do that with my exBPDgf, but now something in my memory tells me that I might have done that with him. My father also would disappear for days going on drinking sprees, neglecting my younger sister, this is also a youth memory. I am thinking that this might have something to do with why I stayed in a relationship with exBPDgf. Has anyone has some insights regarding the traits I listed about my father?

[Surnia]

Mountaineagle

I am glad you have some success in detaching and one important thing is locking closer to our family patterns.

You are realizing that your father does and did not make real contact with you. You are used to it. You are used to it that he disappeared for days. As a child you are dependent from your parents. You cannot say: This is unhealthy behavior. You try to do the best as a child, sit it out or try to be "good".

This is your role model and you are probably repeating it with your ex. It makes sense to me.

I am familiar with some of your description. My mother has similar traits. Recently I discovered how self-centered she is and most of the time not able to really make connection... .  I needed my shattered marriage to see how unhealthy my patterns from my FOO are.

I am modest with labels. I would say your father has some N traits and some serious problems in interpersonal relationships.

[Mountaineagle]

Thank you for responding Surnia! I'm having a hard time figuring out why I let myself be in the relationship so long. Thanks to a link in one of 2010's posts:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?action=profile;u=38193;sa=showPosts;start=760

I came across an article that described me:

www.suite101.com/article/the-highly-sensitive-temperament-a219516

And that led me to a wiki article:

www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Highly_sensitive_person

that in the end mentions Jeffrey E. Young and his schema therapy and quotes "(Jeffrey E. Young) links high sensitivity, or as he calls it, the "highly empathic temperament" with the Self Sacrifice Schema (Young, 2003, pp. 246–251)". I have been trying to locate that book in several stores today, and the only place in London that had one copy of it closed its doors in front of my nose when I went there today!

[PrettyPlease]

I came across an article that described me:

www.suite101.com/article/the-highly-sensitive-temperament-a219516

Hi Mountaineagle,

+1 for me. I strongly recommend Elaine Aron's book "The Highly Sensitive Person" and "The Highly Sensitive Person in Love," both of which I read several years ago. I qualified as a HSP on the basis of her self-test, and both books answered questions for me about who I am and why I do things in my life in a way that finally made sense.

Knowing about this let me be part of a group of 15% of the human population instead of an odd-ball weirdo. We have some troubles with social interactions but we get to be good scouts, explorers, scientists, etc., so it isn't all bad.   

(Jeffrey E. Young) links high sensitivity, or as he calls it, the "highly empathic temperament" with the Self Sacrifice Schema (Young, 2003, pp. 246–251)".

And thank you for pointing out that there might be a cross-over between this and how we interact with BPDs; I hadn't thought of that angle before.

He has a really perverse need for attention from others, and constantly brag about things he has done, and I always felt he is "competing" with me

+1 also on the father. Mine was the same. Very obviously dysfunctional need to compete with me. And also on the need to swing the conversation back to his topics. Also on the child neglect; mine a bit different: he incested my sister.

I've come to the conclusion that he was probably a NPD, and that my mother was possibly a true NPD also or at least had NPD traits.

You mentioned 2010, and that might be the best way to investigate this connection, because she has very clear writing on the dance that a BPD and the child of an NPD family get into: the latter being a caretaker who needs to understand, tries to make it better, and can't let go. This was my case and it's been very liberating for me to learn about myself and my own FOO in this way.

PP

[Mountaineagle]

Thank you for the recommendations! I will buy those books as well tomorrow when I return to the book shop My only reference is that article so I cant wait to find out more.

Knowing about this let me be part of a group of 15% of the human population instead of an odd-ball weirdo. We have some troubles with social interactions but we get to be good scouts, explorers, scientists, etc., so it isn't all bad.   

Always felt a little bit weird :P, but it was good to also read that 30 % of HSTs are extroverts also, I just need major timeouts to figure things out now and then. And this did not go well in the interactions with my ex. It absolutely killed me to not be able to do my processing.

I've come to the conclusion that he was probably a NPD

I am leaning there as well. Its good to have some concepts to hang experiences on. But he has made huge progress lately, and is very much a different man now. I have kept my distance for a long time. But now this situation I am in has opened doors within and has given me courage to connect, but I am wary in it.

You mentioned 2010, and that might be the best way to investigate this connection, because she has very clear writing on the dance that a BPD and the child of an NPD family get into: the latter being a caretaker who needs to understand, tries to make it better, and can't let go. This was my case and it's been very liberating for me to learn about myself and my own FOO in this way.

PP

2010 is awesome! By the way I new here and there are many things I don't know what is, f. ex. FOO and pwBPD. What does that mean?

[Tausk]

I am detaching from the relationship with various degrees of success. I have learned a lot from the posts on this forum and everyday I feel I get closer to some truth. I am for the first time in my life telling my father about my feelings and experiences with exBPDgf, and it is a weird sensation to it. I have grown into it. Now I am getting to a picture of my childhood. And I am starting to wonder about certain things about my father. I can't remember my childhood, there are only a few memories there. He would use silent treatment on me and stop talking to me for a period, if I had done something bad. This I remember from youth. He has a really perverse need for attention from others, and constantly brag about things he has done, and I always felt he is "competing" with me. My exgf not BP pointed this behavior out to me once, saying she did not like that he only came on a visit after he had been somewhere cool, and only talk about it. When we talk now he listens but can not really connect to what I am saying and eventually turning the topic into something it is not, leaving me to feel confused. I know this behavior very well now, and now I don't let him do it completely bringing the conversation back to where I was. I have read about walking on eggshells and recognized that i did do that with my exBPDgf, but now something in my memory tells me that I might have done that with him. My father also would disappear for days going on drinking sprees, neglecting my younger sister, this is also a youth memory. I am thinking that this might have something to do with why I stayed in a relationship with exBPDgf. Has anyone has some insights regarding the traits I listed about my father?

Greetings MtEagle:  congrats on some realizations and know that you have support here on the board.  There's a lot on you plate here.  I'm not a professional, but I've done some of the work to sort through some of the issues you describe.  And some of the FOO issues are outside the scope of this board.  So, be careful about following advice from people.  Advice is easy to give, but some of your issues may require professional evaluation and attention.  Randomly getting advice to delve right away without a good base and guidance could set you back.  In addition, you'll need a good support system in place as you move forward.

So my advice, to be taken with a grain of salt as well is:

1. Take it easy for now with delving in too deep with the childhood stuff.  Especially because you're not going to get much validation for you feelings and thoughts from your father.  So I'd say first address the breakup first.   I see that you're relatively new on the board.  Recycling attempts and and emotional roller coaster is common.  As you work through the issues with the ex, FOO issues can't help but come up, and deal with them as appropriate. But first things first.  Stay on the board.  Learn about BPD, and make sure that you've gotten to a good place with respect to the your ex wBPD and make sure you're disengaged, otherwise you'll be even more vulnerable to being mirrored and pulled back into the chaos and insanity of the disorder.  

2.  Get professional help if it's available to you.  If you don't have insurance, think about community therapy or sliding scale.  A therapist who understands the types of issues that you're talking about.  :)evelop a trusting relationship with the therapist after you find one that you feel connects with your issues and can bring insight into your journey.

3. Develop a good support network outside of your family at home.  The twelve step recovery groups are filled with people who are going through many of the similar issues.  Al anon is one place that although is not exactly our issues, the steps work for us if we apply them.  In addition, there are 12 step groups for people who grew up with alcoholic parents and dysfunctional families.  You can meet many good people at these groups. Get a sponsor there who really trust and work the steps.  As you move through the difficult realizations, having a support group that has also gone through the process is priceless.  You will find many people in the rooms who have gone through their FOO issues.  And don't be afraid to shop around until you find groups that click with you.  You'll find lifelong friends and people who will give to you unconditionally.

I admire your courage and you inspire me to continue my recovery,

in support

[Mountaineagle]

Thank you Schroder's Piano for good advise. I know I am going a little ahead of me on this one. It just came up in my constant search about BPD so I just reached out here since it this my only support network now. The reason is that I am with my father on a vacation now so being in a very inquisitive state of mind I started to look into it, maybe to protect myself a little while I am here.

Starting T in the beginning of March, really looking forward to that.

I didn't know there where 12 step programs for things like this. Still oblivious to my childhood and I am going to keep it that way until I am stronger!

Really glad to inspire

[Mountaineagle]

What does FOO and the pw part of pwBPD mean?

[PrettyPlease]

By the way I new here and there are many things I don't know what is, f. ex. FOO and pwBPD. What does that mean?

FOO = Family Of Origin

pwBPD = person with Borderline Personality Disorder

At the top of the boards page you'll see an "Abbreviations" link (beside the bolded word Guidelines), and it would be good to go and read that because a lot of them are used in posts and they aren't always easy to figure out.

I also highly recommend the "Lessons" links (see the right column at the top of the page). There are many worthwhile pages linked in there, and further links from any that seem to speak to you especially.

Those links can help you recognize how BPD manifests, and how your own psychology and FOO interact with the BPD, including tools to allow you to detach.   

PP