So my partner was just recently at a conference. It was her first one so she was excited and I was feeling OK with it and we were both happy. That was until she told me she was feeling attachment issues to someone. That was fine sorta. I've come to expect it. I just breath and try to make myself relax.
"Attachment issues" is quite a euphemism.
That didn't work out so well this time. I started to have serious anxiety attacks. So much so that I went to my mother's house because I was scared. My partner and I ended up fighting because I didn't feel like she was being completely truthful so I questioned her about it and started telling her how I felt like she didn't care about me. That started the fight and a few hours later we talked and we were better.
Here's the thing: I don't think it is inappropriate to be feeling the anxiety and fear that you are feeling. When a partner tells you that they are feeling "attached" to someone else, that is a threat to your attachment to your partner (unless I suppose you have an "open" relationship). Psychologically, non-disordered people are wont to attach to another person in a secure manner and any time that security is threatened, this becomes a source of anxiety to us.
She is finally home now but I've still been feeling weird so I went through her phone when she was taking a shower. I found out that she was sleeping in the same bed with this person she was attached to and even cuddled but this is where I get mixed feelings. She won't tell me anything but she will tell her friend.
She won't tell you because she won't tell you anything that could possibility push you towards leaving (i.e., abandoning) her.
She was telling her about how she hated doing that and how she wished she could just be friends with people and she really wanted to kiss this other person but kept herself from doing it. She later said about how we have been together for a year and hoe she feels like she should be single and free and I don't know what to feel. I know this is how people with BPD can function sometimes.
This is how people with BPD (pwBPD) can function, but this is not how non-disordered people tend to function.
I'm just so scared of losing her. I love her so much. But I don't know whether I should be mad because she didn't tell me the whole truth which makes me feel more anxious like she maybe wants something to happen or be happy because she didn't go as far as she wanted. But I found out today that she will be going to another conference with this SAME person and I don't know how I should react. I want to say something but I feel if I do I would be trying to control her and make her miss out on some really important networking. But if I don't it is going to eat away at me until I have another breakdown. Please help.
You are reacting the way you are reacting and as far as I am concerned there is nothing wrong with your feelings. You may be concerned that if you express how you feel to your partner that this would lead to an undesirable outcome, but if you hold your tongue, you just might get that undesirable outcome anyway.
I don't think you should be trying to find a way to "feel OK" with any of this. Rather you might consider paying attention to your feelings as a gauge for what you are willing and not willing to accept in this relationship. From my perspective you are risking a broken heart and I think it is well within your right to protect yourself from being hurt to this degree.
Best wishes, Schwing
