My FOO

[trouble11]

Not sure whether or not to start a new topic or find a place this fits, but don't want to hijack someone's thread.

So, I've been on this board pretty steady for the last month and a half.  I came in thinking, and even posting, that not all people that get involved with BPDs have something wrong with them.  I had it all together when I got with BPD ex.   Successful business, lots of friends, my own house, just got my pilots cert., had my own airplane.  I had lived alone for 4 years and enjoyed my own company when I wasn’t with friends.   I never really felt lonely or needy.   There was NOTHING wrong with me. After reading A LOT of 2010 posts, and have to say, God bless her, it has started to sink in that I do, in fact, have some FOO issues.  Still not sure how they play a role in my BPD close encounter, but they are definitely there.

I was an only child.  While I made friends easily, we moved often. I went to 7 different schools from K to 12.  K & 1 then moved,  2 & 3 then moved,  4 - 6 changed to junior high, 7 & 8 then moved,  9 and moved,  10 & 11 and moved, 12 and done.   I just realized while I always had friends there was always a slight disconnect.  I didn't form any lifelong type friendship until I was in my early thirties. 

My mom was a stay at home mom.  She was always there, but that was about it. She would say all the right words when I would get home from school, but she never spent much one on one time with me, that didn’t involve going to the grocery store or something of that nature.  I would usually go to whatever was my playroom and play by myself.  I never felt neglected or abused in any way , but there was a disconnect with my mom also.  My mom had an older brother whom she detested.  I think I only saw him once as a child.  I could never really figure out that situation and she would never say anything about it except she hated him.  It wasn’t till I was cleaning out their house after moving her to assisted living that I found a couple of book on incest.  Mom never had any really close friends and as I’m typing this I’m remembering her painting a few black from time to time.  She was also much the martyr.  “I gave up everything I ever wanted to do to be a good wife and mother.”  kinda stuff.  She had an endless list of thing she wished she woulda, or coulda, done with her life.  I always had a feeling that she was sorta screwed up, but was too busy being a kid to give it too much thought.   She sure taught me a lot about whom, and how, I didn’t want to be. 

My dad was the go to work at 8, home at 6, 2 martinis, dinner, and TV, guy.  Saturday was his golf day after which he would watch whatever sports were on TV.  Sundays he had his list of Honey-do’s, which he could never get done fast enough, as he only wanted to get back to watching sports.  I don’t remember mom ever offering more than a curt and occasional thank you.  Not sure she ever complimented him on anything.   Come to think of it, I’m sure TV was his sanctuary. 

Mom would get on dad’s case all the time and say things like “Do something with your daughter.”  So dad taught me to golf and took me to a couple of Packers games.   Aside from those times I often felt like I was in his way. 

When I was about 5 I had an imaginary friend named Billy that used to go on trips with us and he and I would play in the back of the station wagon.  Not sure why I thought of that, and really not sure why I mentioned it. LOL

I was fairly spoiled and usually got what I wanted in the way of toys, riding, piano, guitar, and dance lessons.  I got my first horse when I was 12 and wasn’t home much after that. 

Anyway, is it any surprise I ran off, got pregnant, and married the first scum bag that came along?  I only lived with him a short time as he was abusive, and was back at my parents before my son was born.  I’ve blocked out that whole period of my life ever since and never really looked at why or how it happened until now.  I wrote it off to being spoiled and just doing what I wanted when I was young and immature.   Guessing now there was probably a little more to it than that. 

Yet I pulled it all together and made something of myself.  Or, at least, I thought I did.  Now I’m sitting here crying and confused.   I’m 49 years old for Christ sake.  Isn’t this the kind of crap one is supposed to get figured out in their twenties?  God this sucks. 

Anyway, not sure what to do or where to go with all of this now?  Does it just hang here?

[birdlady]

First of all, there is no such thing as a human with no issues or frailties. There are only those who are willing to recognize and work on them, and those who are not. So don't be too hard on yourself.

Our PD partners are inherently very good at hooking us and reeling us in. If we don't know how to look beyond the shiny object self they project, we have to learn how to do it. We are not idiots because we've trusted wrongly. We are just people who until taught didn't have certain skills in detecting the false face that was presented to us.

I will never be hooked by a person with a PD again and if that means I live singly, I accept that. If I'm not sure I don't commit, and even if I do commit, I will leave at the first sign of trouble and not go back. There are no second chances because if I see a red flag once, I WILL eventually see the red flag again.

Be proud that you are out of it. So you made a mistake. It is only a problem if you don't learn from it.

Interestingly, I'm older than you and certificated ASEL. Just curious, was part of it with your ex a mutual love of aviation?  Mine was.

[trouble11]

No ... .  although he pretended to be very interested.  Imagine that.    I had always been interested in flying, but felt it was something beyond my financial grasp.  Didn't know you could hire a private instructor or purchase a plane for +/-20,000.00  Then I dated a guy for a few months that was a pilot. He was selling a car at the time and mentioned that when it sold he was considering buying a plane.  It was then I realized I could afford a plane and instruction.  Anyway, the guy was really arrogant and kind of a buffoon so the relationship only lasted long enough for me to realize anything this guy can do I can do.     So I found a 182 with a fresh engine, took out a second on my house and went to work. By far the coolest thing I ever did.

Is that where birdlady comes from?  Curious because I used to own a bird store and was referred to that way often. 

[birdlady]

No, I'm just a casual bird watcher and bird lover. As far as it goes, I guess I just love things with wings.

As to the pretense, yes, they are good at making themselves into what you want. Once they have you hooked the mask comes off.  Imagine that indeed!

[seeking balance]

Yet I pulled it all together and made something of myself.  Or, at least, I thought I did.  Now I’m sitting here crying and confused.   I’m 49 years old for Christ sake.  Isn’t this the kind of crap one is supposed to get figured out in their twenties?  God this sucks. 

Anyway, not sure what to do or where to go with all of this now?  Does it just hang here?

Kudos to you for digging deep - and more importantly asking - now what?

Crying is good (I used to hate my T when she would say that)... .  grieving the lost childhood, emotional connections and realizing that what you (all of us really) long for is that emotional connection. 

So now what - accept this is where you are emotionally - and that is ok.  Next time, look at someone you date through an adults eyes, not a child's eyes longing for an emotional connection.

Since you seen to like 2010 posts (big reading), Alice Miller - Drama of the Gifted Child - is  a real "aha" read also. 

Healing is about shedding the tears... .  the adult you taking care of the little you... .  I thought this sounded a bit too cheesy at one point, but - it works. 

Do you have a T to do some of this core work with?

[trouble11]

Yet I pulled it all together and made something of myself.  Or, at least, I thought I did.  Now I’m sitting here crying and confused.   I’m 49 years old for Christ sake.  Isn’t this the kind of crap one is supposed to get figured out in their twenties?  God this sucks. 

Anyway, not sure what to do or where to go with all of this now?  Does it just hang here?

Do you have a T to do some of this core work with?

No ... .  and unfortunately I have no insurance either.   Gonna have to just keep reading and get through this on my own.  I'd go in a heartbeat if I could.